Is this normal for a step family?

[Dundee67890]

I have a situation at home that has gone on for so long I’m not even sure if it’s normal or not?

DSD is 17. I’ve been with her dad for 10 years and we’re married. She comes to our house every other weekend Fri to Monday. I wasn’t the reason her parents split but her mum hated me from the start and made my relationship with her daughter difficult from a young age.

When DSD is with us she rarely speaks to me. She’ll answer if I ask her something, but will never take the conversation further. She whispers with her dad regularly and she’ll stop talking if I walk into a room. Like most teens she spends most of the time in her room (even pre COVID). She has been with us since Friday and he literally spent the whole time in bed except for coming out when called for dinner. She’s taken drinks and breakfast back to bed.

She doesn’t wash or shower and her room is an awful mess when she leaves, used sanitary towels left lying around, dirty bed sheets - I don’t go in to her room when she’s here as it’s her private space but from a quick glance as I walk past (door ajar) it is a tip.

I don’t live like this. I work in a hospital and regularly work 50+ hours a week. My weekends are pretty special to my recovery from work and MH but I find the weekends she’s with us are stressful due to the difficult atmosphere.

I’ve tried talking to her dad but he is immediately defensive and starts shouting at me. He refuses to talk about it as he says she’s doing nothing wrong. I’ve tried writing to him but he just ignores me.

I’m not trying to stop her coming, but is there any advice on what I can do to make it better for myself? Is it normal or AIBU?

But the OP has a good relationship with her husband. The "atmosphere" is created by the daughter's presence. I'm thinking the atmosphere is not between him and his daughter but between his daughter and his wife with him as piggy in the middle.

He can't change that she's his daughter. This girl is almost an adult and will be a different person in a year and different again and again as she matures. OP IS already an adult so if she wants things to change immediately then the actions need to be her own and, perhaps rather than blaming other people, she can address what is within her own control.

Firstly, she can stop cleaning the room. Her husband can do this for his own child.

Secondly, she can give them some time alone so they can have their private conversations (that are clearly not for her ears).

Thirdly, she can remind herself that nothing is permanent and this will be a bad memory soon enough.

We are in the middle of a global pandemic and OP works in a hospital. The daughter has had her exams cancelled and her social life shut down and is displaying signs of poor mental health. What's happening with the husband is unclear because he seems to be a pawn in this with the two females fighting to be "loved the most" by him. What he thinks seems to matter very little although we can surmise that he feels OP is the problem, not his daughter.

It's 8 days a month for another year at most. If you don't want to damage your marriage beyond repair then find a way to get through it and try to have some empathy for both your husband and his daughter, even if you feel you are misunderstood yourself. It's your choice OP.

A parent can deeply love their children but not be blind to who they are.

If any of my children were behaving in such a rude, filthy manner, I would be appalled.

I certainly wouldn't be encouraging and supporting them to behave so badly.

A decent parent wants their children to be their best self.

She has very poor self esteem to be so filthy in her personal habits.

Her father has abdicated his duty by allowing her to behave so badly.

The OP has also failed the girl by silently cleaning up her filth rather that leave it for her.

The whole dynamic is deeply dysfunctional.

@billy1966

A parent can deeply love their children but not be blind to who they are.

If any of my children were behaving in such a rude, filthy manner, I would be appalled.

I certainly wouldn't be encouraging and supporting them to behave so badly.

A decent parent wants their children to be their best self.

She has very poor self esteem to be so filthy in her personal habits.

Her father has abdicated his duty by allowing her to behave so badly.

The OP has also failed the girl by silently cleaning up her filth rather that leave it for her.

The whole dynamic is deeply dysfunctional.

Nailed it

This situation doesn’t developed overnight

It is indicative of a sustained and insidious creep. And of all involved, the DD is the least to “blame”

This dynamic has been going on for 10 years, it may be exacerbated by the pandemic and the impact its having on all the protagonists but the underlying patterns are there and have not been dealt with, ever. Therefore, I can't see them changing just because the pandemic eases or the girl turns 18. How patient does this poor woman have to be?

But id is also your dh problem as he hasn't taught her to be respectful and he sees nothing wrong with her behaviour towards you or how she leaves the room
I have 2 teenage boys and whilst at times there rooms are messy they are not dirty and they have to tidy once a week , also I generally do nit allow dinners to be taken upstairs , other meals but dinners they have to sit on frontroom with us so we at least have a little conversation.
Yes your dh should have some one to one time with her, but he can go for a walk with her or chat in her room , not expect you not to feel uncomfortable in your own home.
When things get back to normal can you all go out for day or anything maybe you and dsd can do just 2 of you for an hr to create a friendship even ?
Used sanitary towels thats just wrong and gross and I would hit the roof if that happened in my house

@theleafandnotthetree

No one has the OP in a head lock
She knew the score years ago
The DD has not changed
The partner has not changed

@7yo7yo

Leave it for him to clean. I couldn’t stay in a marriage where I am so disrespected. Your DH is a twat.

This. It will soon stop when he has to clean it.

@theleafandnotthetree

This dynamic has been going on for 10 years, it may be exacerbated by the pandemic and the impact its having on all the protagonists but the underlying patterns are there and have not been dealt with, ever. Therefore, I can't see them changing just because the pandemic eases or the girl turns 18. How patient does this poor woman have to be?

As patient as her husband has to be I guess. We're only getting one side of the story here after all.

Perhaps, dont clean it. When she comes over next time, ask her to help you clean the bedroom. Give her a plastic bag and ask her to strip down the bed. If the mess starts affecting her, I'm pretty sure she ll behave better.

And of all involved, the DD is the least to “blame”

You have no idea

Everything about this dynamic screams contempt towards the op.

If she was like this at home, you can bet the father would have heard about it.

If she is like this at her m house, and has been so for 10 years then they - the parents - are mega neglectful and it would be a different post from the op.

This behaviour is targeted and deliberate

The only blame op has is that she hasn’t put her foot down sooner, but with the histrionics and the h shouting... who can blame her for allowing this intolerable situation to go on.

@Dundee67890 has drawn a line, hoping that she’ll resist the urge to do anything about it.

I’d also disagree that the bedroom mess is either h or the dsd responsibility to clean up. It’s dsd, plain and simple. She leaves her bloody rags all over the place, SHE can clear them up.

I hope @Dundee67890 can stay strong and hold firm. I hope that she can effect a change in her home

Nobody would return to my home if they did way less than this.

My oh would absolutely back me (and has done incidentally) with some of the crap we’ve had due to his ex and their dc.

And of all involved, the DD is the least to "blame"

It's quite amusing the lengths people will go to on here to absolve "children" of any responsibility. No, she isn't least to blame for her own actions.

OPs husband is clearly most to blame for his awful attitude to OP, but his daughter is still doing the things she is doing despite being more than old enough to know better. The person that is least to blame is clearly OP.

17 is old enough to be responsible for your own actions and behaviour. Some 17 year olds are already parents or living alone and they cope.

Op you are being respectful of sd space. Obviously her dd can go in her room but you won’t be any more. Do tell your dh that’s what you are doing because it’s a change that he needs to discuss with her. If stuff appears in the laundry basket I’d was it, I’d cook food as part of family meals. But you are not a maid. Honestly I’d be livid if a child of mine didn’t have basic manners , so a lot of this is your dh responsibility. It would cause me major issues if you are expected to be respectful to a 17yo and she can be a bitch to you.

Thanks again there are many wise comments here and a lot of help. Update is I’ve still not cleaned the room.

I do notice a bit of step mum bingo is slipping into comments. Inevitable, but nonetheless not kind. By this I mean, you’re the outsider and always will be; leave them alone they clearly don’t want to include you, this sort of thing.

I’m not perfect, far from but I did try hard with SD. I certainly don’t despise her as someone has previously said. I just don’t like the awful atmosphere in my own home, I shouldn’t think she likes it either.

OP,don’t budge on cleaning the room. Absolutely let your “D”H do it as when you point out anything connected to “D”SD he shouts or leave it to her.

17 years old poor diddums leaving her used pads lying around.
Disgusting and disrespectful.

It's not right that you're treated this way in your own home. You can leave your DH and SD to have their own relationship, but she should still be able to be civil and friendly to you when she sees you.

Well done for disengaging and not cleaning the room. You need to make it clear to your DH that it is his responsibility to do everything for SD from now on. Also, that you'll be doing your own thing when she's here from now on as you just don't fancy wasting your energy trying to develop a relationship with a young adult who treats you with such rudeness and contempt.

Dundee it sounds like your husband and daughter have got stuck somewhere along the way. Perhaps his guilt at not being full-time dad, perhaps he enjoys his time not being dad and feels guilty about that - who knows? Meanwhile your SD is struggling with something and is acting it out. Both appear to be attempting to hide/resolve their issues by blaming/punishing you.

Lots of advice upthread but the bits that stood out for me were

• whatever action you take, make it positive. Giving her space, respecting her privacy etc
• speak to your husband before she next visits so that he isn't surprised, and make him see her room for himself.
• one step at a time. The room first.

Good luck

@Dundee67890

Thanks again there are many wise comments here and a lot of help. Update is I’ve still not cleaned the room.

I do notice a bit of step mum bingo is slipping into comments. Inevitable, but nonetheless not kind. By this I mean, you’re the outsider and always will be; leave them alone they clearly don’t want to include you, this sort of thing.

I’m not perfect, far from but I did try hard with SD. I certainly don’t despise her as someone has previously said. I just don’t like the awful atmosphere in my own home, I shouldn’t think she likes it either.

I hear you about the stepmum bingo, it seems to me it's the stepmum here who has been expected to do all the understanding, all the biting of her tongue, all the grunt work too by the way. The main one 'suffering' for this set up is the OP, not the father whose responsibility this young woman is. Clearly the young woman is also unhappy to and it's to the OPs credit that she still seems to care about that, I think I'd have lost that a lot time ago. The father, like lots of men sadly, is very passive in not tackling head on and much sooner this very challenging dynamic - no doubt he thought the women would figure it out - and yet he's the one getting off the lightest. Typical.

I just don’t like the awful atmosphere in my own home

And it’s THIS that you hang on to.

I’m not being made to feel like this in my home, on my weekends and clearly on purpose

If SD doesn’t like her room in the house to the point that she’s trashing it, then she doesn’t have to use it. She’s almost an adult and has choices.

Thing is, she WANTS to be there, fine. But she’s using her time with her dad as a dirty protest against you @Dundee67890, and waging a whispering war. Shame on your h for allowing this situation to happen. Is he not ashamed of how she is? I would be!

She has 2 homes to be in. You have 1. You don’t have to live like this in your own and only home.

My dsd is in her thirties. I’ve been married to her dad for 26 years. Her mother hated me from the start. She was awful to DSD. Telling her not to talk to me etc despite her coming to us since she was 4 years old. She was lovely to me when she was here but if I did her hair or something she’d always take it out before going home and mess up all the clothes in her bag that I’d folded. Poor little thing was terrified of her mother at 4/5 years old and learned early on how to keep her mum happy. During her teen years I found her hard work. She rarely spoke to me, stopped coming to stay at 15. If I went away fir the weekend she’d come over though. Fast forward to now . We have a lovely relationship now, have done for a few years. She realised once she was older how vindictive her mum was. I’ve never said a bad word against her mum and regularly “stick up” for her mum if they’ve had an argument etc. Step children can be hard work but sometimes it’s out if loyalty to the other parent.

As for the room, I wouldn’t tolerate that.

@theleafandnotthetree Step-Mum bingo comes from a place of truth sadly, even if it seems unkind, it's not intended that way. Burying your head in the sand and pretending the problem is wholly of the daughter's doing helps no-one including, stuck in the middle, dismissive Dad.

We have your perspective alone on this @Dundee67890 but would hear an entirely different tale from your husband and step-daughter.

What's clear is the girl is struggling, you can research signs of mental health yourself but I'm pretty sure if this was your "baby" something would've been done about it by now. Does your husband recognise this or is he putting it down to normal teenager behaviour, because it's not? Messy rooms aside, most healthy 17 year old girls wash and get out of bed and take some personal pride.

You say she isn't rude to you but really doesn't want to engage more than she has to. You say she stops talking when you enter the room. You say there is an atmosphere when she's there. When your husband says she's doing "nothing wrong" is he then suggesting you're the problem? You say she's happy around her friends, boyfriend and presumably her Dad, what does all this point to OP? Perhaps you need to give them both some breathing space?

However, this OP is about how it affects you and your life. So my advice is do what you can and what is achievable without destroying your marriage because nothing stays the same and this will pass soon enough.

Glad you've stopped cleaning the room though, well done!

Step-mum bingo comes from a place of truth sadly, even if it seems unkind, it's not intended that way.

If you know what people are referring to when they say step mum bingo - it definitely doesn't come from a place of truth and it definitely is intended to be unkind.

@aSofaNearYou

Step-mum bingo comes from a place of truth sadly, even if it seems unkind, it's not intended that way.

If you know what people are referring to when they say step mum bingo - it definitely doesn't come from a place of truth and it definitely is intended to be unkind.

So are you saying these "bingo points" are raised repeatedly by different posters because they are untrue. How does that make any sense?

Step mum bingo is played usually by women who dislike step mums for a whole host of reasons, more often than not exes who are projecting their own insecurities. The comments are often untrue, nearly always unkind and unnecessary. Just because they’ve been repeatedly said doesn’t make them any more true. Perfect example is the comment on this thread, “you’re an outsider”, not true, I’m married to my husband, her dad, we offer her a place she could call home if she wanted.
I’m not an outsider.

I think it goes both ways sometimes people are really unpleasant and blame Mums, sometimes they do that to stepmums. From what I’ve observed of both older children and adults it’s common to not be that interested in having a close relationship with a step- parent. It can be quite a difficult relationship and if they don’t see much of their parent they just want to spend time with them. It’s not a failing that you’re not close. However, it’s not acceptable to be rude or disrespectful. Well done for leaving the room, your husband really does need to go zero tolerance for the disrespectful behaviour towards you