Wife work.. not my issue anymore

[YouhavenoauthorityJackieWeaver]

I work extremely hard at the moment with covid etc. I work 4 long days a week from 7am til 9 plus on call for intensive care. I do not have time to give a shit about the house or DHs family things.

Last year when it all kicked off I still did things like send a moon pig card, small present from us both etc. I moved out last March to a hotel and stayed there til October so it felt the nice thing to do

Then at Christmas AFTER I'd bought all the fucking presents for his family he announces they're not doing Christmas presents this year and not to worry about it. So I sent them all back and told him he was doing it all from now on. Then we got some presents from his siblings and his parents but we didnt have anything to give them because they weren't doing presents and he got in a mood.

I've made it patently clear that he lives in the house too and although he's a key worker (court system) he needs to pull his weight now I'm back home (his vulnerable parents moved to his brothers house). Im not doing the shopping now, I'm not doing lists, he lives here too, he has eyes.

But mostly I'm not sending cards to his family for birthdays. He agreed with me about this and then announces tonight 'oh we haven't sent xx a card for Monday' it's his sibling.. no DH YOU haven't sent a card. I know his family will mention it at the weekend but I will direct them to him, it's not my job.

I'm another who when moving in with DP after 2 years together was given a birthday calendar by MIL. As if she was passing the responsibility she'd always had on to me.

I handed it straight to DP in front of her.

Insane isn't it.

Yeh shocked at the balls of the ''Mil'' doing this when their son isn't married to the 'dil'

My x's father said to my mother ''it's a tradition in my family that the first child is called Anthony'''. If I'd agreed to that he would have been the 5th.

My mum replied '' it's a tradition in my family that man marries the mother of his child''.

Ha ha, I left obviously because they were all awful.

That isn't my experience.

what isn't? Obviously if the men in question have additional needs and can't remember any dates whatsoever, then that's different. I don't think all the men on this thread have this issue?

Why put up with this poor treatment then?

Nearly everyone joins in the moaning and complaining about 'wife work' .... surely there must come a time when you just don't accept it.

When my DH and I married we, had both lived on our own and could see how we lived, I certainly wasn't going to choose to share my life with someone who couldn't cook a meal, wash their own clothes or manage their own bank account, however much we were in love.

Yes, we still have 'household tasks' that we both 'specialise' in, but I know that if either of us drop dead we are both fully functioning adults who can raise our DC and send birthday cards.

It's too easy to keep saying 'it's just how men are' .... clearly many are not.

I nearly got into doing this for my DH then realised I was already doing a zillion other things and I just didn't need to. As a result, his family sometimes get things, often late but not my concern.

One point though, some people think stuff like this is important, others genuinely don't, and not only men. I get annoyed by people, and lets face it, most likely to be women, who make a huge fuss and spend loads of money on occasions even if the person in question has said they don't want a present or anything organised and they just do it anyway. SIL is like this. So to some extent, men may have a point and some of this stuff doesn't actually need doing.

@Ragwort my experience was that if I didn’t do everything then he would sulk and eventually abuse me and the kids.
To the other pp who asked whether I ended up buying his family presents after he left me to be honest being broke was actually a blessing in disguise as I couldn’t feel bullied into it. I literally got to the stage where I was missing lunch to feed my children so there wasn’t a penny spare. I never feel sorry for myself being alone. It’s freedom.

Good for you. What did his last slave die of? I refuse to run around after my fiancé; l sort out my family / friends and he does the same for his. He is fine with this, my ex-husband isn’t but he was always a bit lazy and whiny

@LuaDipa our situations are pretty identical. There's a significant birthday coming up soon on Dh's side and I have to admit the bitch in me can't wait for him to forget🤣🤣 I was so hurt not to get as much as a text on my birthday this year so as far as I'm concerned they're getting the same treatment.
I'm also the only one who doesn't send Mother's Day cards to the grandmothers. On either side. I'm my DC's mother. They are not.

@malloo

I nearly got into doing this for my DH then realised I was already doing a zillion other things and I just didn't need to. As a result, his family sometimes get things, often late but not my concern.

One point though, some people think stuff like this is important, others genuinely don't, and not only men. I get annoyed by people, and lets face it, most likely to be women, who make a huge fuss and spend loads of money on occasions even if the person in question has said they don't want a present or anything organised and they just do it anyway. SIL is like this. So to some extent, men may have a point and some of this stuff doesn't actually need doing.

There is definitely something in what you say, I do think it is mostly women who add layers and layers of additional work and detail and what you might call finesse on to things like Christmas, birthdays, etc and if that is so important to them, then they should probably do the lions share of it. What is the annoying part is where other people -husbands and partners included - EXPECT this of them or where women are judged for not doing this extra work. But I do think a lot of women have indeed made a rod for their own backs and are the worst judges of one another.

When I was young and stupid and first married, I also took over the wifework and started buying presents for all DH's family. But when the entire family, knowing very well it was me who did it, then only thanked him for the lavish and thoughtful gifts, I decided that fuck it.
Now they might get a random candle or bottle of wine, whatever DH manages to find. At least the thanks go to the correct present buyer.

And no, I don't actually dislike my in-laws, they are fine - but surely it's not expected that I will care about them more than their own son/brother/uncle?

But I do think a lot of women have indeed made a rod for their own backs and are the worst judges of one another

I agree with this and it's not just gift giving, cleaning and other housework is another example. While it's obvious that the type of man who 'never sees dirt' and believes in the laundry fairy needs to step up and do his share, there's no need at all for anyone to go to the other extreme of daily bathroom cleaning and vacuuming, or washing everything after one wear.

People who think that's necessary need to cut what they're doing to a reasonable level, rather than expecting their partner to do half of their insane schedule.

@theleafandnotthetree I agree, my friend always moans about how stressful Christmas is but she insists on doing things like Elf on the shelf even though one child finds it creepy and the other IMO is too old for it.

Every man I've ever been out with has been bloody useless. I live alone now because I refuse to be someones maid and PA.

This is so weird. I always think - how would it work the other way round. Would DH choose a present for your mum from you both or for your sister? No? Why on earth do it the other way round then?

When I moved in with DH his sister sent me a list of important dates plus hints for presents their mother enjoys, a template for a housework rota for me and his daughters along with some other little gems. I thanked her for them and said I would pass onto DH, next time to just send them directly.

It never occurred to me to take on this wife work when DH and I got together. And he never expected me to. I do sometimes remind him about international posting dates before xmas, but he does what he likes for his side of the family, just as he managed to do before I met him. He has a brain and knows where the shops/post office is.

Yes if anyone mentions it direct them to him, and don't take on this mental burden.

@Sillysandy

When I moved in with DH his sister sent me a list of important dates plus hints for presents their mother enjoys, a template for a housework rota for me and his daughters along with some other little gems. I thanked her for them and said I would pass onto DH, next time to just send them directly.

Wow, that really takes some beating! What was she thinking?

When I got married I made up my mind that I would not be in charge of this stuff - mainly because I am very fond of my ILs and my DH’s friends and I don’t want to be resentful towards them. We have a shared address book and wall calendar with birthdays etc on, DH is in charge of the calendar. We usually discuss present ideas between us. I am more likely to send a spontaneous card to his DPs than he to mine but we spend a lot more time with them and I often want to send a quick thank you or something.

DM has the expectation that I should oversee it somehow - DH did all our Christmas cards this year, DM told me I should have an ‘overall list’ so I know for sure if he missed anyone -

I read Wifework in my twenties and it has paid off massively, I have a happy, balanced marriage with a man who is my equal, not a child I have to remind or scold or train. Even so, I do more of the thinking and planning around the dull, daily chores, but I can handle it because he doesn’t complain, or put responsibility on me.

Yes I had the same from MIL: 'So, it's uncle Ronnie's birthday next week..'

Um, yes, good for him? But either DH managed to send uncle Ronnie cards before we got married, then he can continue. Or he didn't, in which case why on earth would I suddenly start, especially considering I have never even met uncle Ronnie?

It's too easy to keep saying 'it's just how men are' .... clearly many are not
This
What's sad is that when people point this out, and point out that most of these men will have functioned as adults before moving in with someone then some posters say 'you're blaming women for men's behaviour', as if the only natural thing to do is sit back, say nothing and then moan on Mumsnet that your husband won't do the laundry.
Why should we enable men to lounge around doing nothing?

I agree with you BarbaraofSeville. The lazy men need to step up, we should stop accepting it as an inevitable fact of life that we carry the load as women. Equally, there's endless threads where people berate their husbands for doing household chores 'wrong', but what they mean by 'wrong' seems to equal 'he doesn't load the dishwasher the way I do' or 'he uses a general multipurpose cleaner for appropriate surfaces instead of using the correct combination of 17 different products for one bathroom'.
Same for Christmas when some people complain that christmas is so exhausting but then you realise they've given themselves loads of extra tasks, or are choosing to focus on details that they care about whilst complaining that nobody understands the effort thay goes into coordinating chair covers with napkins.

YANBU. I do Christmas cards and get DH to write half on years when he’s not flat out at work, but that’s because I enjoy it. I’m massively cutting down the list next year and dropping people who don’t reciprocate.

I don’t do presents or cards for DH’s family otherwise though - it’s his responsibility - if DMil mentions on a calm that there’s a family birthday coming up I’ll remind DH, but that’s it.

If enough on my plate sending cards etc to my own relatives (large family) and being a working Mum, without doing my DH’s tasks for him as well.

*call

My MIL is the type to expect me to do the wifework. I think a part of her is still horrified I don't do all the housework, take down and wash my curtains each week. When DH lived with her she would get his breakfast bowl and spoon out for him so he didn't need to when he was getting up for work. His work clothes would be washed, ironed and placed ready for him and she even popped his vitamin pill out of the packet and left it by a glass with his breakfast bowl.

And then he moved in with me.

Now one would assume I had got myself a useless mummy's boy but surprisingly he rose to the challenge of being a fully functioning adult at age 26.

His mum would remind me about birthdays and such and I would say, "Oh right. I'll let DH know" and that's the most I would do.

She rang me once at 7pm when DH was getting home from work to have a go at me for not having a birthday card for FIL there that day, so I took the phone away from my ear, didn't cover the mic and yelled, "DH darling, your mum's on the phone. You never sent a card to your dad!" Making it clear that it was not my doing but DH's. (DH did have a card but hadn't been able to take it round the day before so needed to go after work. If he had asked me I would have popped it round as they live on the next street) but DH knows it's his job and forgot about asking me as it's just not expected.

Tell him to download moonpig app and set an alert

To return to an earlier point I made, and if this thread is anything to go by, it is overwhelmingly women making other women feel bad about their perceived shortcomings in wife work. Where are the father-in-laws demanding to know where their wives cards and presents are or the brother-in-laws handing over calendars of events at weddings? (which I find utterly incredible by the way). I think all individuals, male or female are responsible for managing their relationships with their own families and friendships, including present-giving, marking occasions etc but at a wider level, people - and perhaps women in particular - need to tone down the demands on and expectations of other people. Every occasion has now become such a big fucking deal, the wastefulness and avarice associated with much of it - Christmas being the best example - of it all has gone well beyond small gestures of love and care and thoughtfulness in a lot of cases. When my chidren are grown up, I'd much prefer they'd come and do a bit of gardening with me on random Tuesday than tie themselves in knots with overblown gifts