Wife work.. not my issue anymore

[YouhavenoauthorityJackieWeaver]

I work extremely hard at the moment with covid etc. I work 4 long days a week from 7am til 9 plus on call for intensive care. I do not have time to give a shit about the house or DHs family things.

Last year when it all kicked off I still did things like send a moon pig card, small present from us both etc. I moved out last March to a hotel and stayed there til October so it felt the nice thing to do

Then at Christmas AFTER I'd bought all the fucking presents for his family he announces they're not doing Christmas presents this year and not to worry about it. So I sent them all back and told him he was doing it all from now on. Then we got some presents from his siblings and his parents but we didnt have anything to give them because they weren't doing presents and he got in a mood.

I've made it patently clear that he lives in the house too and although he's a key worker (court system) he needs to pull his weight now I'm back home (his vulnerable parents moved to his brothers house). Im not doing the shopping now, I'm not doing lists, he lives here too, he has eyes.

But mostly I'm not sending cards to his family for birthdays. He agreed with me about this and then announces tonight 'oh we haven't sent xx a card for Monday' it's his sibling.. no DH YOU haven't sent a card. I know his family will mention it at the weekend but I will direct them to him, it's not my job.

@user1471462428

My ex walked out last year leaving me with two small children and in financial ruin. A couple of weeks before Christmas he asked me what I had got his family for Christmas. I hardly had the money to feed my children.

@user1471462428
"My ex walked out last year leaving me with two small children and in financial ruin. A couple of weeks before Christmas he asked me what I had got his family for Christmas. I hardly had the money to feed my children."

That is appalling, I hope things are better for you now

@user1471462428

So angry on your behalf. What an entitled prick.

But OP the poor lamb has a penis which can render him incapable of doing such things. That’s the only reason I can think of anyway. Ffs some men are such CFs.

@mySILisawful

I used to do all the buying fo Dh's family, siblings, nieces and nephews and parents. I did it all. I always picked lovely thoughtful gifts. They always thanked him. Never ever me. No acknowledgment whatsoever even though they knew it was me who did it.

So I stopped. And the year I decided to stop one sibling had a milestone birthday and was livid that they didn't get a present. Unfortunately for them, they had chosen that same year to ignore my birthday. I didn't remind Dh. And I never will again.

Absolutely same situation here. Mil is somewhat difficult. They only do presents for dgc which is fine, their choice, but they usually send a card. I didn’t receive one for my lockdown birthday last year, or a text, nothing. I was extremely hurt given that I had organised every single card and present for every single occasion for the many years dh and I have been together, not to mention the meals I have cooked for them and the fact that dh and the kids were often thanked profusely and nothing was ever said to me. It was as though the minute she had an excuse not to bother, she didn’t.

My dh made excuse after excuse, even using lockdown, but when his birthday arrived a couple of weeks later, and still in lockdown, he received a card. I was genuinely hurt. I am the only in-law who perseveres with mil and tolerated her little digs but when I tried to explain how I felt to dh he completely disregarded it and said that I was over-reacting, picking on his poor dm and buying a card and present took no effort and no-one ever asked me to do this anyway. When I thought about it I realised he was right. No-one had asked, it just wasn’t in my nature to forget a member of family’s birthday, which dh often did. So I said fine, just be aware that I won’t be buying anything for pil going forward, he would need to sort it. Fine.

Well you should have seen dh’s face at 6pm on mil’s birthday when he got a text from his df ‘reminding’ him. He looked daggers at me knowing full well that I had remembered, but didn’t have a leg to stand on. I almost felt guilty, until I realised that dmil would only blame me anyway as it couldn’t possibly be dh’s fault.

And then there is the "let him wash his own clothes, sort out his own meals, make his own appointments, etc. cause he has a brain".
Why do you get married then?

The usual reason. I love him.

It never occurred to me or my husband that ‘wife’ was synonymous with ‘housewife’. We both work at professional careers and have equal input into caring for our home and our child. He’d been living independently for years before he met me, is perfectly competent to handle simple household tasks, and has never bought into the idea that grown men require looking after. Why would they?

Learned helplessness has to be taught. If this is the lesson some men have absorbed from their mothers I for one have no desire to continue it. Nor will I be teaching the same example to my son. It does also seem that according to this and similar threads a lot of women are no longer buying it. I say all power to you.

I think it's very sad to not know your PIL's birthdays and not even care.

Depends on the in-laws.

@Peasbewithyou

The problem is if I don’t organise it, it doesn’t happen. DH is an only child and poor MIL would get nothing. For some reason he finds this kind of thing incredibly stressful to the point where he just can’t get his arse into gear to do it. I do get sick of reminding him and he still won’t take action because he has literally no idea where to start. So I usually send him a link to something and say “how about buy this for MIL?”.

It’s her 70th this month so need to get on him to do something about it. Is it my job? No! But if I don’t badger / help him to find something she will spend her birthday totally alone with zero gifts which seems a bit sad to me.

But how can an independent neurotypical adult have 'no idea where to start?' to celebrate a birthday? Can't you hear how pathetic that sounds?

I mean, there's a set pattern to birthdays that's hardly a state secret and if he's lived this long he should be aware of the basic components: card, present, celebration. Presumably he has been to a supermarket at some point in his adult life and knows you can buy a card and flowers , wine or chocolate, there, tick. In normal times how to book a restaurant, tick. How hard is that? If he wants to buy her something more significant there would be no issue in asking you (or any other relative, or a friend, or even his mother himself), "can you give me a hand, do you think my mother would like a, b, or c?" but the onus is still on him to think of those options and then once you have given your input, organise them. Presumably he could even google 'birthday presents 70th' to get some ideas.

All of these are logical, common sense steps if you're asking yourself 'how do I celebrate a birthday?' A five year old could probably work out most of them. If he literally can't think of them then that's a bit worrying....

I'm right there with you OP and have spent 20 years sorting cards, presents, sending photos of our children, nagging DH to ring his family etc. After a visit last summer (during that brief spell where we were allowed to) I realised that his family don't give a toss about me. I am not included in the photos on the wall or in anyone's conversations or concerns. Our children receive minimal affection or time compared to their cousins. I decided there and then to withdraw my services and haven't sent a card or present since. This may seem petty but there are many more tales I could share. It's actually liberating to have stepped away from it.

I don't get the idea of never doing anything for your spouse, BUT that assumes that they also do things for you.

I don't do anything really for his family birthdays, nor does he do anything for mine. If one of us was going shopping though, the other might ask do you mind picking up a birthday card for X, but it's not all one sided.

@Peasbewithyou what an elaborate explanation that bears no scrutiny.
If his employer told him to send an email he’d presumably remember to do it
Your dp He’s taking the piss, he knows you’ll step up.and you do
You’ve both slipped onto stereotypical behaviour and you’re doing the wifework

Wow I've got rage reading your op!

Mil tried the ‘I got you an address book’ trick... conveniently filled with all their family addresses and birthdays (including DH’s cousins and their DC’s!).
I raised my eyebrows and said of don’t you worry, we know when you and Fil’s birthdays are and I don’t need the rest. She sighed like I was rather hard of thinking and explained ‘all the wives send to everyone, my nieces and nephews are family!

DH and I never see these people, I’m certainly not sending them stuff if he cba!!!

Yanbu - after watching DM wrestle with this for years I vowed never to it. Consequently DH's family get nothing from him. I felt guilty for years as it looked so thoughtless and ungenerous (but still never did any of it).

Nowadays I do ensure mil gets something, to set an example for my kids (dont want two nans treated differently) but also I care and respect her myself so would buy for her even if DH not around.

Can't believe some of you have been given address books by mil to do this on partners' behalf although it goes to show that the whole thing is perpetuated and expected by women...

I did this shit first time round. Then I got divorced.

DH2 moved in with me over 20 years ago, as my boyfriend. His mother came down to stay with us after, maybe, six months and told me I would need to start doing his bookkeeping. He ran his own business, she had worked as a bookkeeper and had always done it for him. But now he'd moved in with me she'd had enough and decided she could retire and I could do it.

I laughed. I pointed out that I worked full time, long hours. I had 3 children and was a single mother. He was my boyfriend and was moving into my house where I paid the mortgage and the bills. I asked her what on earth made her think I would also start doing his books for him? She lamely said, well he doesn't know how. I told her that he'd need to learn, or he could watch his business go under. Or he could pay a bookkeeper. It was nothing to do with me and I would not be getting involved.

I have never done cards/presents etc to his family. We have been married many years now and I still don't do that shit. Neither does he - but that's his pigeon! Not my circus...

In adult relationships, both partners should work to their strengths

Isn't it funny though that it's always the woman whose natural strength is all the unpaid work and mental load? I bet those men who simply can't organise presents or remember dates are perfectly capable of managing work projects and show up on time for meetings..

@Chimeraforce My partner of 11 years expected me to do all the present/card bollocks for his family when we'd only been together 6 months...I laughed in his face and asked if his hands had fallen off.

@KatharinaRosalie

In adult relationships, both partners should work to their strengths

Isn't it funny though that it's always the woman whose natural strength is all the unpaid work and mental load? I bet those men who simply can't organise presents or remember dates are perfectly capable of managing work projects and show up on time for meetings..

That isn't my experience.

Men forgetting birthdays and cards It’s an affectation.They hold down jobs,retain information in work, other wise get on. However,in a familial environment they seemingly can’t recall their own mum birthday, or send a card.
They chose not to prioritise buying cards,gifts because they don’t want to and know their partner will do it

Why do you get married then? If all you want to do is share a roof and a bed, why not just be roommates? I am old - almost 70 - and I think of marriage as sharing your finances, doing things for each other, caring about each other (and each other's relatives)

Like PPs, I expect a partnership - it’s not about how things get divided, it’s about each partner taking responsibility for whatever their share is. Doesn’t matter if it’s 100%, 10% or 1%, if it’s your responsibility to do it’s your responsibility to remember. So much ends up being put on the female, even if it’s ‘just’ remembering about it.

My ex would expect me to remember his family’s birthdays and remind him to sort out a present. He’d empty the bin, but only if I reminded him that it was full - did the fact that he’d had to balance an egg carton on top of an already full bin escape him? He’d add stuff he wanted to the shopping list, but only if I reminded him by asking if there was anything else to go on it. And that extended to food he wanted; stuff like “We’ve run out of laundry powder” was somehow my remit, even if it was him who used the last. So much he was seemingly oblivious to, but it was OK - I just needed to remind him

It’s not always, but it it is SO BLOODY OFTEN the case that the women have to do the remembering and reminding (which is just one more damn thing to think about )and that just shouldn’t be required for an actual functioning adult. Maybe it’s ingrained early on for boys that “this is what women do” because it sure as hell would explain the sense of bafflement that seems to be the perpetual excuse (“I’d have sorted the laundry if you’d asked me!”) and that shit has got to stop.

Why do you get married then? If all you want to do is share a roof and a bed, why not just be roommates? I am old - almost 70 - and I think of marriage as sharing your finances, doing things for each other, caring about each other (and each other's relatives)

Yes, and if the men in these scenarios were taking responsibility for gifts and cards for their partner's families then noone would be complaining. But they're not "caring about" that, are they?

that shit has got to stop.

It won't stop as long as there are still women out there asking: 'why do you bother with marriage if you don't do all the emotional labour and iron the shirts?' Or: 'what's the point if you don't take on another family's surname, which has nothing to do with your own family origins, upbringing, genealogy and background?' What possible impact this has on their choice of lifestyle or themselves personally is less certain.

Men don't give a stuff what other men call themselves; it's never been a matter they have needed to consider as the system is set up to support a patriarchal naming function. Likewise, the division of economic vs. domestic labour in other people's households. IMO, sexist observation though it is (and I make no apology for it, as this has been my overwhelming experience) some women - and it is usually women - are a sight too overinvested in other women's perceived shortcomings.

Some women make lifestyle decisions that are different from conventional expectation. Even conventional expectation in itself has changed, despite strenuous opposite from some quarters (and for reasons which escape me). Non of this is intended as a personal affront.

I can’t forget my mils birthday as it’s the same as mine 😂 at least dh has no excuse. When we got married I made it clear that I wasn’t buying and sorting presents for his family. Tbh, he’s pretty good at remembering. Dd11 has a great memory and she reminds him a lot of the time.

@SunsetSenora

I cant stand these guys who get married or into a relationship and suddenly abdicate all responsibility for remembering their own families. There is absolutely no excuse for this, it is just the height of laziness.

Not sure they abdicate! They either always “forgot” or had another women do it for them ( mother, gf etc) My sons did this when they first left home. I didn’t mince about when they “ forgot” my birthday and a few others. Told them they needed to be pretty dumb if they didn’t know how to set up reminders on their phone which I knew they weren’t, and that if they persisted with it bothering I wouldn’t bother with birthdays or Christmas either. It worked.

Can't believe some of you have been given address books by mil to do this on partners' behalf

It wasn’t my mil - who is sadly dead, she sounds wonderful - it was my sil. Presented on our wedding day and immediately handed over to my husband who, of course, promptly lost it! Of course it’s women who do it because it’s always been a woman’s lot to do this stuff.

Are men so fussed about birthdays?

Usually not in my experience.

Tends to be women that make events happen.

My OH has 2 brothers- none of them ever send each a gift or a card on birthdays or christmas.