Wife work.. not my issue anymore

[YouhavenoauthorityJackieWeaver]

I work extremely hard at the moment with covid etc. I work 4 long days a week from 7am til 9 plus on call for intensive care. I do not have time to give a shit about the house or DHs family things.

Last year when it all kicked off I still did things like send a moon pig card, small present from us both etc. I moved out last March to a hotel and stayed there til October so it felt the nice thing to do

Then at Christmas AFTER I'd bought all the fucking presents for his family he announces they're not doing Christmas presents this year and not to worry about it. So I sent them all back and told him he was doing it all from now on. Then we got some presents from his siblings and his parents but we didnt have anything to give them because they weren't doing presents and he got in a mood.

I've made it patently clear that he lives in the house too and although he's a key worker (court system) he needs to pull his weight now I'm back home (his vulnerable parents moved to his brothers house). Im not doing the shopping now, I'm not doing lists, he lives here too, he has eyes.

But mostly I'm not sending cards to his family for birthdays. He agreed with me about this and then announces tonight 'oh we haven't sent xx a card for Monday' it's his sibling.. no DH YOU haven't sent a card. I know his family will mention it at the weekend but I will direct them to him, it's not my job.

I've never understood why men think their wives should sort out presents and cards for their relatives.

I've never sent cards to my husband's family. We occasionally pick up presents for each others' relatives because we see something we think they might like, but that's as far as it goes.

DH writes his own Christmas cards, too.

Well done OP, and if the in-laws say something at the weekend, not your problem, not your family.

@Bluntness100

I do the cards and presents here, but quite frankly even though they are his family they are my family too and I wish to buy them cards and presents, we get on well, there are things we do where my husband does it. But this simply isn’t a task I object to, I like doing it.

This...

Why is it called 'wife work' rather than 'family work'?

Honestly, reading some of the replies here is like listening to petulant children stamping their feet. In adult relationships, both partners should work to their strengths and organise their lives as they see fit.

I do all the organisational stuff including holiday planning and booking, cards and gifts for everyone, whilst DH does all the organisation for both cars, the garden and house maintenance and household help. I do the financial stuff and we both share the cooking and tidying.

DH never misses cards and gifts for my birthdays/anniversaries/important events.

We work as a team. It is not a competition to see who can be 'trained' to do XYZ we discuss what needs to be done and decide which of us will do it.

My family would be very lucky to have my husband doing the cards and presents job for my side.

HIS family get their cards and gifts on time without fail. If I were responsible for wife work I'd be fired for incompetence.

I do love buying presents for Christmas (same date so easier to remember than birthdays) and we went through a phase where we bought separate presents for our parents each (usually because they were hosting us too as students). We switched to combined gifts from each of us a few years back, but my husband still forgets that he doesn't need to buy my family separate gifts from him sometimes.

Men do this. I constantly get things like 'oh we need milk'. I'm then supposed to jump up and run to the shop, or nip to the shop on my way to or from work or even in my lunch hour. Once upon a time I would've done it. No more. Shortly after me and my then boyfriend moved in together in 1986, one morning he opened the fridge and said "Oh, don't we have any milk?" I replied, I don't know, don't we? I don't drink milk or use it at all so why was it my job? Because his mum had done absolutely everything for him (only child). We teach people how to treat us, and I've made sure my DDs (adults now) know it's not their role to be servants to men.

Who in your household is most likely to know how much fabric softener is left?
Dh or the dc, they do the laundry

When someone can't find their jeans, whose name do they shout?
No one’s, everyone is responsible for their own clothes

And whose name will be yelled in a "Awwww!" way when it's discovered that there's no ketchup left?
No one’s, whoever finished it should have put it on the shopping list. They will just put it on.

Who does the school / pharmacy call first about your kids? They are healthy and home schooled, so not relevant

Who knows what time X's swimming lesson is, and the name of the teacher?
Varies according to the activity, some I take the lead some dh does.

The fact is that many women take on all the jobs without being asked and then complain when they end up doing them all. If you talk to each other, agree what you both feel is fair and then stick to it there is no reason for this.

It’s also a much better example for the dc.

@GeorgiaGirl52 a happy,respectful realtionship is not defined by women doing things for men
My mum always encouraged me to be independent, taught me practical skills that I use as an adult
I don’t buy gifts,or cards for his family because it’s not my responsibility to check if an adult remembers these things
For my children I buy granny,aunty etc cards and presents because they aren’t able to do so.

I don’t share finances other than we jointly pay bills,mortgage,nursery. Apart from that my money is mine is mine, And his money is his.

My mum always told us to have just in case money. And I do.

I wonder, in a same sex relationship where the couple are both men, who remembers the birthdays and Christmas gifts and writes the cards, as neither has a vagina?

For some reason he finds this kind of thing incredibly stressful to the point where he just can’t get his arse into gear to do it. I do get sick of reminding him and he still won’t take action because he has literally no idea where to start.

Yet I would imagine men like this hold down a job and manage the tasks there. It doesn't need to be a celebrity extravaganza - a card and something obvious like flowers or chocolates would be enough for most people. But for some men it feels like the 'it's SO HARD' or 'you're just better at this' card is played to get the woman to sigh and take over.

Read something interesting the other day about a study where women were much more likely to respond to charity appeals than men, and the women were motivated by guilt whereas men were motivated into giving if not doing so was presented as having negative consequences for them. Can't help comparing it to the card issue!

Who does the school / pharmacy call first about your kids?

Actually, the school calls my DM first as she doesn’t work so would be able to pick up DD if need be. If they can’t get through to her, they ring DH because he can answer his phone during work. I am a teacher so can’t.

With school, I would expect it to be whoever is able to answer the call easiest.

We have always done our sides of the family, not sure why really, but seemed the most logical way to split it down the middle (we have a similar amount each side of close relatives we buy gifts and cards for). Not overly precious about it, and happily buy for the other side if easier/needed, but nah to sorting everything.

I agree with Cheltenham's point, if you choose to live with someone then surely you agree to play to your strengths and share the "load" of household chores. I hate the petty "point scoring" you so often see on Mumsnet about which partner has the worse deal.
There are some tasks I prefer to do and some my DH does, we are not going to argue over who does what and be martyrish about it. Can you imagine only mowing half the lawn because you both use the garden so should only have to be responsible for half the lawn .

Of course if one of you is an inconsiderate slob and does far less than their 'share' of the load then that it is a separate issue and should be dealt with accordingly.

I read on here once an expression about having 'equal' downtime - that's always resonated with me ... so long as one of you isn't taking the piss does it really after who writes the cards, mows the lawn or takes the bins out? Personally I've always had a great deal in my marriage - maybe I am lucky - sending a couple of cards twice a year is a far better deal than mowing the lawn, doing the gardening etc every week . And yes, I have lived on my own and could of course do those things if necessary.

@Ragwort

I agree with Cheltenham's point, if you choose to live with someone then surely you agree to play to your strengths and share the "load" of household chores. I hate the petty "point scoring" you so often see on Mumsnet about which partner has the worse deal. There are some tasks I prefer to do and some my DH does, we are not going to argue over who does what and be martyrish about it. Can you imagine only mowing half the lawn because you both use the garden so should only have to be responsible for half the lawn .

Of course if one of you is an inconsiderate slob and does far less than their 'share' of the load then that it is a separate issue and should be dealt with accordingly.

I read on here once an expression about having 'equal' downtime - that's always resonated with me ... so long as one of you isn't taking the piss does it really after who writes the cards, mows the lawn or takes the bins out? Personally I've always had a great deal in my marriage - maybe I am lucky - sending a couple of cards twice a year is a far better deal than mowing the lawn, doing the gardening etc every week . And yes, I have lived on my own and could of course do those things if necessary.

It matters when the only one doing it is the woman. Thats what we are talking about not one isolated task.

SIL is Queen of shit like this - I used to try but we had been out of contact with his side of the family for many years (due to his mother making him choose between his family and me when we first got together because she disliked me) I have now given up as I truly don’t care about any of them. Needless to say we now have no contact

I stopped doing this too, needless to say DH forgot some Birthdays etc.

He does not even know the significant family dates of 'my side' of the family

Enough said really

I actually do do all the cards and presents for both sides of the family here, including Mother’s Day etc, but he does 90% of the laundry and I’d rather buy gifts a few times a year (it’s just his small immediate family) than fold. We split based on strengths and I’m better at sorting presents, he’s quicker at folding. Seems fair to me.

I would say our general split of house and family responsibilities is is pretty equal, but we don’t do 50% of each thing. I do most of the cooking, he does more cleaning etc. But I know this isn’t the norm and mostly it’s women doing more and more and men doing very little. I grew up in a house where my Dad did literally nothing at home despite both my parents working full time - apparently fair because DM liked her job and he didn’t - and I wasn’t having a marriage like that. So I chose a husband who wanted to be an equal partner and it’s coming along well.

@sunflowersandbuttercups

Isn’t that what being married is all about? Dh’s family are my family now too and dh present picking skills aren’t the best whereas I love choosing gifts for others.

I'm sure he managed perfectly well before you came along.

And no, I didn't get married to take on the job of buying cards and presents for someone else's parents. Bonkers!

Weve been together since we are teenagers!

You picked one part of my post. I had said we share everything in the house depending on our strengths and weaknesses. I'm better at present buying so I do it. Hes better at cooking so he does that.

Plus I like his family and they’re my family now, because we’re married.

@Peasbewithyou

The problem is if I don’t organise it, it doesn’t happen. DH is an only child and poor MIL would get nothing. For some reason he finds this kind of thing incredibly stressful to the point where he just can’t get his arse into gear to do it. I do get sick of reminding him and he still won’t take action because he has literally no idea where to start. So I usually send him a link to something and say “how about buy this for MIL?”.

It’s her 70th this month so need to get on him to do something about it. Is it my job? No! But if I don’t badger / help him to find something she will spend her birthday totally alone with zero gifts which seems a bit sad to me.

She should have raised him better?

The only thing I thought I did in the house that DH doesn't, is cook. Luckily I don't mind because I absolutely love cooking and feeding people whereas I reckon he could burn water!
I had always thought that DH absolutely does pull his household weight, especially considering that he works and I'm a SAHM. He comes to all parents evenings, does school runs every day that he's not working (continental shifts so he's always off 2 or 3 school days), takes the kids to appointments when he can, he knows who our kids friends are, what they like and dislike, what hobbies and club they go to and when they are. He even manages to remember his family's birthdays (whoever is going to the shop next picks the cards up because neither of us mind being asked) but one thing struck me lately. He moaned that he gets stuck with most of the housework. He's one of these blokes who doesn't like to do nothing. He'll wander round folding and putting away the laundry or hoovering and sweeping. Or he'll do the dishes. I noticed that he does the obvious chores.
So I asked him, when did he last wipe down the bathroom? When did he last mop (he hasn't) that I know of or when did he last wash the windows. When did he last clean the kitchen cupboards? Had he ever washed the window blinds? Other than painting them, had he ever washed the skirting boards or door frames? Has he cleaned the toilet or sorted out the kids clothes and got rid of the small stuff?
Now I don't mind doing that as DH works to pay all the bills (I'll go back to work when we're done with raising the kids or at least when that bloody homeschooling is over with!) but I told him to sod off if he thought I did nothing just because it's not obvious like a pile of clean dishes or laundry. He'll not say that again. It does go to illustrate that sometimes, even the best husbands can miss what wifework gets done.

You picked one part of my post. I had said we share everything in the house depending on our strengths and weaknesses. I'm better at present buying so I do it. Hes better at cooking so he does that.

I just don't see present/card buying for each other's relatives in the same category as cooking.

You both benefit from him cooking. Just like you both benefit from having clean clothes or a clean bathroom or food in the fridge, or the bins being emptied etc, so it's in your best interests to share those jobs between you (based on time, strengths and weaknesses, likes/dislikes etc.).

But for me, buying presents for DH's family isn't in the same category. His family is also about 10x bigger than mine! I just have my parents to buy for - he has parents, six siblings (plus six partners) - and they have about eighteen children between them and probably 6-7 grandchildren too.

If he wants to spend money on all those presents, then he can knock himself out - it's certainly not a task I ever plan on taking on!

@Ragwort

I agree with Cheltenham's point, if you choose to live with someone then surely you agree to play to your strengths and share the "load" of household chores. I hate the petty "point scoring" you so often see on Mumsnet about which partner has the worse deal. There are some tasks I prefer to do and some my DH does, we are not going to argue over who does what and be martyrish about it. Can you imagine only mowing half the lawn because you both use the garden so should only have to be responsible for half the lawn .

Of course if one of you is an inconsiderate slob and does far less than their 'share' of the load then that it is a separate issue and should be dealt with accordingly.

I read on here once an expression about having 'equal' downtime - that's always resonated with me ... so long as one of you isn't taking the piss does it really after who writes the cards, mows the lawn or takes the bins out? Personally I've always had a great deal in my marriage - maybe I am lucky - sending a couple of cards twice a year is a far better deal than mowing the lawn, doing the gardening etc every week . And yes, I have lived on my own and could of course do those things if necessary.

I agree, as I type DH is mopping the floors! Later, I will prepare and cook a full Sunday dinner whilst he watches sport.

It is about equal downtime.

I can’t believe people still send cards, he can text, phone ...

@BloggersBlog

Did he start sending the cards *@DinosaurDiana*?

Yes, but only because his sixty something year old sister kicks off if he doesn’t send a card. I think it’s pathetic personally.

I was handed a calendar with all the bloke’s family birthdays marked on it when we got married. I gave it to him and said “This is for you”. None of them have ever received a birthday card in 21 years.

I do my stepchildren’s birthdays and Christmas presents because I love them and they feel like mine. That’s the lot though.

Good for you.

I also tired of it.

If the present was acceptable - all thanks went to DH.

If the present was not acceptable- all blame went to me.

No presents = Also 💯 my fault as though DH had desperately wanted and tried to lavish them with gifts but I physically prevented him from doing so.

DH has never given their presents a thought beyond accepting their thanks and praise without a word of credit thrown my way.

Fucking sick of it.

I quit one year, it was awkward, expensive and time consuming as DH realised Christmas Eve that I had been serious in October when I said I would not be buying Christmas gifts for his family that year. Of course he trotted off for a day of (overpriced and poorly chosen gift) shopping leaving me alone to prepare food while watching two toddlers and a newborn by myself.

So last year every adult on his side got a bottle of wine. Every child got two books. From now on, everyone related to DH gets the same thing, on sale, bought early and in bulk with no thought at all. Only seething resentment. Merry fucking Christmas.

DH otherwise a lovely man.

All of this to say, my hat is off to you OP. Stand firm.