Judged for something I did aged 16 how can I stop this?

[wasntsuchasweetsixteen]

As a (v immature) 16 year old. I did something awful. Told a massive awful terrible lie and then many other small lies to keep up the first.
I shouldn’t have. Obviously I know now how wrong it was and that I hurt people (my them bf and some friends).

Not to defend myself but to give insight into why this happened I was as I said v immature, also suffering abuse at home (emotional) and have asd and I had issues with boundaries and the truth. Anyway it was awful and wrong.
I tried to move on and move away from all that and learnt a lesson. However I’ve heard from someone recently that a friend had spoken to her about me after seeing my name come up on fb and wanted to ‘warn’ her about me.
I’m ashamed of my past but I was 16. This was a long time ago (I’m 42 now) I don’t want to be judged by a teenage mistake forever. I don’t know what to do

NOT the real names by the way ^

This... ^

Please don't be so hard on yourself.... It really isn't that awful... And is nothing in comparison to the abuse you suffered as a child.

Please consider seekibg psychological support via your GP.

It's grim you should be still ruminating on this so long after the event...

Anyone who warns someone about something a friend did at 16 needs to get a life.

I think most of us would cringe when we look back at our 16 year old selves, and I would bet money that this individual (I won’t refer to her as a friend) won’t have lived a Lilly white existence all her life. There isn’t one person in the world who has never done anything they might be judged for. Not one.

So you told some lies. And? It was years and years ago, and you were in a bad place.

These people aren’t your friends. You have no reason to be in contact with them. Cut them off and forget they were ever a part of your life.

With friends like that who needs enemies.

Oh my gosh, the punishment you received at the time really didn't fit your 'crime'! You poor thing. Shame on the person trying to use this against you now I would totally blank their efforts. They are pathetic.

I'm 45 and if I found this out about someone I knew I would consider it pretty irrelevant unless I had already noticed that they had a habit of telling fibs.

I also think that this is another story of 90s ignorance about high functioning ASD, especially in women. I am sorry that no one recognised this as a sign that you needed help.

Also OP
I had a friend who did something similar. Later in life I have come to realise with maturity that they were probably struggling and there were things I didn’t know.
No one does stuff like that without there being problems

So if some idiot still doesn’t get it or manage to have some empathy - they my friend are twats

Oh OP, the lie really isn't so bad. In a sense that it's pretty bloody obvious that anyone telling such a lie needs emotional support and not discipline. The college reacted in an appalling way rather than investigating your emotional needs. And any 42 year old ex friends who haven't figured this out once they left their teenage years are just as bad and pathetic to hold on to this and still try to punish you. Anybody worth having a friendship with will completely understand if you are honest. Don't be ashamed, tell them what happened, that you had toxic parents who emotionally abused you and at one point you became so unwell with stress you developed physical symptoms and when pressed you told your friends you were seriously ill because you didn't know how else to get support for your depression, and everything escalated and you were thrown out of college. Anyone who doesn't see how badly you were treated in that situation is honestly not worth knowing. You were just a child, not an adult. Cut yourself some slack.

OP I did things at 16 that make me want to die of shame when I think about them now. Things I deeply regret and have affected my life profoundly. I'm mid 30s. I'd be very embarrassed and ashamed if current friends and acquaintances knew about them, I tell you this so you can see I do understand where you're coming from.

Now, when I read the OP I, like PP, imagined a false rape allegation or similar. The reality is that what you did was not awful at all. It was a cry for help, and all the adults involved in the whole shitshow should be the ones feeling shame all these years later, not you.

It sounds like you were in crisis, had a breakdown of some sort. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if you said you were dying because you genuinely felt like you would die.

You deserved compassion and help, instead you got judgement and punishment.

You really didn't do anything bad enough to drag this shame around with you for decades, you really didn't.

Brene Brown talks about "shame gremlins". Shame withers and dies when exposed to the light. But should only be shared with those who have earned the right to hear your story. I really recommend listening to her stuff. She is an academic specialising in shame.

I am sorry this is happening to you but I hope you can get some perspective. If anyone judged me for what someone else told them I did at 16 - I would not want them as a friend. Your new friend has been mature enough to raise this with you. Just tell her you had a difficult childhood and made some mistakes at that age but you thankfully have put that in the past.

Gosh I read your “lie”

@Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow, I don't understand why you put "lie" in quotation marks? Unless I've completely misread the OP's posts, she didn't actually believe she was dying.

Anyway - OP, you're being too hard on yourself. You made a stupid mistake, but very few teenagers haven't. There's no point in beating yourself up now. I'm sorry to hear you had such an abusive home life.

Oh OP, I am another who just wants to give you a hug.

That lie was such an obvious cry for attention, and was handled by all the adults in your life in the wrong way. I think that is why you have built it up to be so terrible when really, it isn’t that bad.

I think you have punished yourself enough OP. I agree that counselling would help you work through those feelings of guilt and shame that you are carrying around and leave them where they belong - in the past.

It was such a long time ago.

I really don’t think any of your current friends are going to judge you. I’d be more inclined to judge the person bringing something like this up.

I just read what you actually did. It is really not as bad as you think it is. Upon reading this the person I am judging is the person who brought it up. It blows my mind that that person is so lacking in empathy and insight that it doesn't occur to them that you did this because you were struggling. I hope you find a way to show some compassion to that 16 year old inside of you.

I was expecting you to say something much worse. Don’t delete your Facebook account! Why should you!! You sound like you had a horrible childhood, yes you lied but there was reasoning behind it and you were only 16. I would just say to your friend, that it’s a bit awkward and a long story, you were abused as a child and unfortunately you lied for affection. End of.

Over a decade ago, I knew a woman (in the area I used to live,) called Carol, and she seemed OK for the 7 to 10 times I had spoken to her. Then this woman moved in a few doors from me, called Becky, and Carol instantly told me she was a 'fucking weirdo' who had fired a hate campaign at her ex's new girlfriend Charlotte, making up lies about her, and trying to get her the sack.

Becky was apparently reported to the police by Charlotte, and was arrested and given a 6 month suspended prison sentence for harassment (and a couple of other things, like breaching the peace or something.)

It had happened FIFTEEN YEARS before, and yet this woman Carol dragged it back up the first time she saw Becky.

Becky seemed lovely, and chatty and friendly, and had done wrong and paid her dues, and I thought it was very unkind of Carol to drag it up, and tell the neighbourhood. Fortunately, most people didn't give a shit about Becky's past, and just thought Carol was a nasty cow.

I think this is a very, very different scenario from the OP. The OP wasn't being deliberately malicious, whereas it sounds as though Becky set out to ruin Charlotte's life just because she was dating her ex. If you torment someone to the point that you get a suspended prison sentence, you have to accept that the consequences will follow you around for a long time. Being called a "fucking weirdo" fifteen years later is one of those consequences.

Becky seemed lovely, and chatty and friendly, and had done wrong and paid her dues, and I thought it was very unkind of Carol to drag it up, and tell the neighbourhood. Fortunately, most people didn't give a shit about Becky's past, and just thought Carol was a nasty cow.

I don't think being convicted of harassment as an adult is the same as telling a desperate lie for attention as an abused teen

Oh gosh op that is quite a bad lie isn't it 🙈

@MissMarpleDarling

Oh gosh op that is quite a bad lie isn't it 🙈

What a helpful contribution.

OP, I wonder if you feel better for getting it off your chest here? I suspect it is a big relief to talk about it. Maybe you could find someone you trust in real life and tell them what you have told us? If not a friend then a counsellor?

Well, actually I don't think it was even a complete lie; just not the full truth.

You seem to have had a form of anorexia; and that really is potentially life-threatening, with over 5% mortality rate

I am glad to know that you have recovered and done well in your life - congratulations!

I am rather shocked that the college kicked you out for this; of course less was known at that time about young people's mental health. I am even more shocked that your former so-called friend is slagging you off for it. Avoid her. And honestly I think most people would get a much worse impression of her than of you, from this spiteful gossipping.

I want to give 16 year old you a hug OP. If somebody came and told me that a friend of mine had done what you did 25 years ago I would want to talk to them about it, just to let my friend know that I knew and I didn’t care. It isn’t who you are, it’s just something you did, at a really rough point in your life. I bet you’ve done all sorts of lovely things since then. Can you forgive that unhappy teenage girl for making a mistake?

Well, actually I don't think it was even a complete lie; just not the full truth. You seem to have had a form of anorexia; and that really is potentially life-threatening, with over 5% mortality rate

A 5% mortality rate doesn't mean you'll "probably die", though. And it's a massive thing not to tell the full truth about. I don't judge the OP and think she deserves to move on, but it's not helpful to downplay what happened. If the OP discusses this with people IRL and tries to justify it with "it wasn't a complete lie, it was only a lie by omission", they'll think she learned nothing and will really struggle to trust her.

OP, please try not to worry about this. Nothing bad is going to happen to you. Put it into perspective. In perspective your big fault is the size of this full stop . compared with what was done to traumatise you which is this size of this capital O.

As far as anyone else is concerned, you don't have to go into it or respond to your former friend from so many years ago. All you have to say if someone asks is that you had a traumatic time growing up, mixed up with parents. relationships and friends but you left and went on to make your own life and you have nothing to hide but it's a long time ago and bizarre for someone to rake up old teenage things as if the last 25 years hadn't happened. What sort of person does that?

Protect yourself from such people on social media with settings and so on. But you have nothing to fear. And nothing to feel weighed down by, though I understand that you do feel it.

You were a child who had adverse childhood experiences, it's well accepted that this causes issues. Call this person out on it if they cause you any issues.

Do you know any 15 or 16yr olds now?

If you do, can you think about them a bit, or characters on TV?
Then compare them to the adults around you... because they are SO different aren’t they?

They are young. And vulnerable. And lovely... and gawky, and funny, and sometimes very good at acting grown up, then reverting into a giggling/morose/ door banging mess about 5 minutes later!

And that’s just what they are. Wonderful gawky difficult funny teenagers

And we can see that, from our perspective how young they really are, even when they think they aren’t... but as adults we can see teenagers need protection, guidance and safe spaces to live, learn, grow and yes, make mistakes.

It’s so very sad you weren’t given that environment to finish growing up in. Your reaction now shows that you were betrayed back then, by the adults who should have cared for you and helped you through the trials and tribulations of teenagehood... instead they contributed to your problems, and when your behaviour showed your internal needs and distress, they failed you again, by responding in a terribly harmful way, leaving you with this hugely inflated idea of shame, and badness.

The best thing you can do fit yourself now is to FORGIVE that young girl. It’s easier to forgive yourself if you imagine the young you as a separate person outside yourself...

Forgive you as a teenager and see that incident shrink into proportion.

Re-judge it for yourself and don’t be led by the frankly disgustingly harmful reactions of your parents at the time.

Be kind and give that poor teenager some love and kindness as she struggled with the daily circumstances of abuse... that’s so damaging, you didn’t need any more damage or hurt piled on top did you?!

You might find that once you’ve forgiven yourself, putting in boundaries to protect your life and self from that gossip monger on Facebook is much easier... priority is you, and your relationships that you care about now. That’s it.

Take care, abd be kind to yourself