Judged for something I did aged 16 how can I stop this?

[wasntsuchasweetsixteen]

As a (v immature) 16 year old. I did something awful. Told a massive awful terrible lie and then many other small lies to keep up the first.
I shouldn’t have. Obviously I know now how wrong it was and that I hurt people (my them bf and some friends).

Not to defend myself but to give insight into why this happened I was as I said v immature, also suffering abuse at home (emotional) and have asd and I had issues with boundaries and the truth. Anyway it was awful and wrong.
I tried to move on and move away from all that and learnt a lesson. However I’ve heard from someone recently that a friend had spoken to her about me after seeing my name come up on fb and wanted to ‘warn’ her about me.
I’m ashamed of my past but I was 16. This was a long time ago (I’m 42 now) I don’t want to be judged by a teenage mistake forever. I don’t know what to do

I think the level of shaming you were subjected to after this incident was part of the ongoing abuse you suffered - not only were you found out and humiliated, but you were cut off from your life at college, isolated with the people who had messed you up in the first place - no wonder you're still carrying it around. For a vulnerable 16yo it must have been utterly overwhelming. I think you did have a sort of breakdown. And it's past time to stop being ashamed. The idiot who has decided to rake this shit up again isn't worth your time.

So there was no real closure

I think it is lacking closer for that person too. I mean 26 years and they still cary something from that too. Probably because of that. I think it would be beneficial to both of you to try. For all they know you did this and fucked off. They don't know anything else, do they.

Oh OP. Please give yourself permission to forgive yourself and move on from this. It really really isn't as bad as you think and I honestly think the way the college behaved was absolutely awful. Instead of supporting you and helping you, they punished you. Much the same as your parents did by the sounds of it.

I experienced the same at home and we're a very similar age so I totally empathise with how your parents abuse affected you, even to this day, you berate yourself over something that happened WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD.

My parents were very similar and to this day their behaviour still affects my confidence and self belief at times but honestly take it from a bunch of strangers, you need to let this go. No sane person would judge you for something so small, so long ago.

Also pretty sure that asshole eeeeeeeee what's her name is my mother, haunting the forums, telling everyone and anyone her daughter wont talk to her for reasons unbeknownst to her and would never acknowledge it's entirely down to her abusive behaviour.

Anyway. Forgive yourself, forget it and please move on. It's about time

@senua

Is that all!? Anyone with an ounce of empathy would feel sorry for the 16 y.o. you, not judge you 26 years later.

This.

When I read your confession I felt sorry for that desperate
year old.

Anyone who doesn't probably isn't worth making friends with.

Oh jeesh you were a kid, it sounds like you weren’t properly supported by the adults around you. I think you need to forgive yourself.
If one of my friends had done this I wouldn’t still be banging on about it.

Please please forgive yourself and move on. You were 16. You are a similar age to me....I wouldn't listen to any gossip someone gives me about my friends from when they were 16.

When I was 5th year a 6th form mature student (we had adults I'm 6th form in those days....) she was only really a bit older maybe early 20's. She had a brain tumor and was going to die if they didn't operate. Of course I was shocked, sad, worried etc.... I remember a teacher friend basically telling me nit to be too worried she would be fine.....and the wool moved from my eyes....she was a very lonely girl with a horrid home life. She told these stories to validate herself. (I was also going to be a bridesmaid in a big production wedding that never happened). Fwiw she was never asked to leave school. I didn't hate her. And if I bumped into her now I would probably say Hi, if we recognised each other....but just keep on walking. We were kids. Please stop worrying.

Omg IP i just read all your posts and realised there is nothing accusatory about anyone, the lie was about you being ill.

You need to let this go my dear, it's such an incredibly petty thing for others to hold on to!!

Dear OP, please please try and find a way to forgive yourself. Christ we have all done daft stuff at 16. I pulled some absolute howlers!!!!

You must forgive yourself, you don’t need to carry this round anymore As for Facebook, delete, delete, delete!
Plus friend warning someone off you - I think they have the problem.

I think at the time it was such a huge thing and I got in so much trouble that’s stayed with me that I was that awful, that terrible and I’d tried to bury it away and move on and the embarrassment I feel that it’s resurfaced is hard to deal with.
Maybe there’s a chance for me to explain I’m not sure. To say I’m really sorry but I was going through a dreadful time I don’t know 😞
But Thankyou to everyone who had been so kind I literally thought I was the worst person for telling such a horrible lie

If someone wants to judge you for what you did as a vulnerable tean it says more about them that it does about you.

Let the critics talk, true friends will see through this spiteful rubbish.

Have you thought about therapy or chatting to a good friend about this, you need to see this incident in proportion.

Op you were very young and I don’t think you should let this ruin your life. I listened to an interesting podcast about secrets recently which you might find helpful?

Hidden Brain: podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/hidden-brain/id1028908750?i=1000505009348

The secret / lie shame is probably eating you up disproportionately. You might find some freedom in telling your close friends about it? And how awful you found it? If they’re true friends, they won’t turn against you, not many people are the same as adults as they were as teenagers.

In telling, perhaps you’ll take power away from the threat of a secret exposed. And you’ll see that it’s not all as bad as you think it is now.

I think you should speak directly to the "friend" who has allegedly warned another person about you because of this.

I would tell the "friend" what has been said, ask her if this is accurate. If it is, why did she need to rake up this ancient bad thing you did? If she has done this, I think I would end the friendship and walk away with your head high.

The lie you told as a 16 year old was bad, but NOT terrible and certainly forgivable. Time to forgive the child you OP, find out the truth of this and nip this in the bud by being upfront, frank and positive.

Good luck

OP it sounds like you've been punished too much already!

There was a girl in my school that my sister was friends with who lied about her father dying -we were about 14.
When the lie came out my sister told the teachers who informed her parents, but there was no talk of kicking her out- that is really harsh, I can't understand why they did that.
If you had stayed it might have been unpleasant but it would have been resolved and everyone would have moved on I think.

@Treacletoots nah I'm pretty sure it's my mother

Perennially "baffled".

If I’m honest, my elder sister pretended to have kidney cancer when I was 15, and she was 17. She didn’t actually say it, but she shaved her head, stopped eating so she’d get really ill, referred constantly to when she was “gone”.

Not only was I petrified about losing my sister - who had been rehoused at 16 by social services because our parents were violent and emotionally abusive, and was my only hope that I’d escape and could live a normal life, and that I’d have her there as family... but I had to have a lot of checks too, because I have a transplanted kidney. It was horrible. I could be likely to die, too. I could lose one of my sisters in no time at all. I worried about her looking after herself, about her self confidence, about everything. Every reference to dying that she made hurt us both.

I haven’t forgiven her. I’m sorry, I know she was young, but she knew what she was doing. It’s a whopping lie to tell. I can’t forget it, but I also don’t message people that she makes friends with, but it made me wary about anything she said and we have no relationship now. It was the giant crescendo to constant little lies...

I think the advice to get rid of Facebook is good. It seems either this person who has messaged your new friend is still very hurt, or they’re not well, and Facebook provides a way of them contacting anyone that you’re in contact with.

I’d recommend counselling for both forgiving yourself and understanding why others may still be struggling. I had it to understand why my sister could tell such a horrendous lie, and how she could pretend she didn’t have long to live... it didn’t make me forgive her, but it did help me.

@Eeeemac

So you don't want to be judged for something you did years ago but are happy to judge your parents from years ago by including your suffering abuse at home comment.

If you want to be forgiven extend that forgiveness to others too.

OP was a child - parents were presumably adults.

I imagine that there are very few of us who haven't done something we regret. Most of us are lucky enough for it not to catch up with us decades later.

It's breaking my heart to think of poor 16 year old you being shamed, humiliated, punished and isolated for a fairly run-of-the-mill teenage foible. I think the shame you've been carrying all these years isn't yours, it belongs to your parents. I hope you can find a way to give it back to them. I'd really recommend some kind of trauma-informed psychotherapy. Be kind to yourself OP

@Eeeemac Quite possibly the most ridiculous thing I have ever read. Wtf is wrong with you??

OP we have all done things we regret, that make us cringe. I was bullied and unpopular for years, then the bullies moved on to someone else who was even more of an obvious target than me, and instead of standing up for her, I joined in because I was so relieved it wasn't me. This was just one occasion when they took her stuff and hid it; she asked me if I knew where it was and I pretended I didn't know, so she was still looking hours later. I am mortified to this day. And if our paths ever cross again I will be apologising from the bottom of my heart. But you know what? I still think I'm a good person, essentially. You sound like someone who was very mixed up, unhappy and in need of care and attention. You probably WERE ill if you got very thin to the point where people noticed. And if the college had been doing its job they would have spotted the signs of abuse and offered you help, or at the very least looked into why you lied once it all came to light, instead of demonising you for lying. They handled this very, very badly OP. You are not to blame. If you still feel awful about it and it's overshadowing your life, is there any way you can write and apologise to your then boyfriend and friends? You need to give yourself permission to forgive yourself. You honestly sound like a really nice person with some baggage - like many of us. One mistake doesn't define you.
If you're worried somebody is going to tell your current friends what happened, get in first. Tell them you were very mixed up and had a bad home life. I am sure if they are good friends they will be sympathetic. If any friend of mine told me this had happened I would feel sad for them that their home life was so shit. In fact I would want to give them a great big hug for all the misery and the guilt they have needlessly put themselves through.

@wasntsuchasweetsixteen

I feel so awful about it. And selfishly i feel I lost real friends. When I see on fb things about schooldays and long friendships I don’t have that because I totally messed it up. What I should have done perhaps was tell the truth about what was happening at home but that never occurred to me

You need to stop feeling awful about it.

All the adults let you down. The college and your parents. All of them were shit.

Please go and see a counsellor to get over your shame about this, you must stop carrying this weight of shame, it's disproportionate and too heavy and if you haven't been able to let it go by now, you may need someone to give you professional help to do so.

You poor thing.

In this case I would own it - Facebook message the person who said something horrid about you.

When I was a teenager I suffered with emotional abuse and other abuse and I then went out with x. He was my first boyfriend and first love. When it ended I became mentally unwell etc and I was heartbroken. I told people I was dying, I lied but at the time it felt like my life was ending the lie spiralled out of control. I was found out and college kicked me out. Mortified and alone I was at home and cast as mentally unstable.

I was wrong and I own what I did - other people were very very hurt and damaged by what I did. -25 years later I still find people saying to be careful of me etc and given the past I think they have every right to be upset as at the time I wasn’t allowed to try and explain or apologise for what I did.

I am mortified for my teenage self abs the pain and upset I put some very very lovely people here. Please accept my apology 25 years late.

I really have spent the last 25 years moving on and trying to do the right thing. I’m so sorry for any pain I caused but I am a different person now.

Adults think with the prefrontal cortex, the brain’s rational part. This is the part of the brain that responds to situations with good judgment and an awareness of long-term consequences. Teens process information with the amygdala. This is the emotional part.

Don’t blame yourself for this poor decision. Blame biology.

Sweetheart, don't let this mistake define you. Don't let it blight your entire life. You were a poor wee child, trying to muddle through some very bad times on your own, with no loving, caring adult guidance. It's hard. You make mistakes.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

I think it affected the person more than some people here realised. Have they ever got a proper apology? Do they understand what happened? To actually go out of their way and "warn people" instead of just letting it go, after all this time, it had to affect them a lot.

Yes, it's serious pretending you are dying, yes the life was mess, I take back my "sit it out". Agree with others. Explain it to the person who was contacted and... I would probably try to help the other person to get over it. Whether it's apology or explanation.

Nah. Someone at my school made up a web of lies. It was extraordinary and I still think about it today because it was so odd. If that person was still visible to me on Facebook, it would be the first thing I thought of when I saw them. That’s probably what’s happening here. Unless the person who “warned”the other person was the boyfriend, they can get over themselves tbh

OP

Really dont worry yourself about this. I've seen your explanation and honestly I've done worse at a similar age. I cringe when I think back, but that's part of the growing up stage.
I haven't changed my name (I did move away) I've got an unusual name and if anyone bothered so much about my mistakes when I was a teen that they wish to tell current friends then they must do what suits them. I will not apologise for the stupid things I did 30 years ago. I wont apologise for things I did more recently.

And if current friends decide to unfriend me because of stupid things I did before I knew them, and can guarantee me they didnt also do equally stupid things, they are no loss to my life.