Page 10 | Judged for something I did aged 16 how can I stop this?

wasntsuchasweetsixteen · 2021-02-06T18:43:37+00:00

As a (v immature) 16 year old. I did something awful. Told a massive awful terrible lie and then many other small lies to keep up the first. I shouldn’t have. Obviously I know now how wrong it was and that I hurt people (my them bf and some friends). Not to defend myself but to give insight into why this happened I was as I said v immature, also suffering abuse at home (emotional) and have asd and I had issues with boundaries and the truth. Anyway it was awful and wrong. I tried to move on and move away from all that and learnt a lesson. However I’ve heard from someone recently that a friend had spoken to her about me after seeing my name come up on fb and wanted to ‘warn’ her about me. I’m ashamed of my past but I was 16. This was a long time ago (I’m 42 now) I don’t want to be judged by a teenage mistake forever. I don’t know what to do

douliket · 06/02/2021 23:38

Op, if I found out this about a friend of mine now,that she lied as a child and it spiralled out of control, it would not make me think any less of her, I would feel completely compelled to throw my arms around her. You need to read all the responses above and realise this is how the majority of people if not all people would react. Nobody will think any less of you. You were a lonely,sad, heartbroken teen who craves attention and love and you weren't getting it,you did what your child mind told you to do to protect yourself.please Op, be kind to yourself and get the therapy you need to put this all behind you,do not let this incident burden you down any longer,think back to that 16 year old you and give her the love and kindness she deserves,it's time now to put a stop to your shame

Tambourinetunes · 06/02/2021 23:49

I think if this happened in current times, concerns would be raised about you and what keys you to this point. Sadly back then (I am close in age) people ignored so much behaviour which related to children acting out due to what they were experiencing. I would like to reach out and reassure 16 year old you that things get better, please don’t let this drag you down. You have achieved so much through surviving and making your own way in the world.

Sae123 · 06/02/2021 23:57

I'm reading all of this with interest as I can totally relate to feeling so, so bad still at 42 for mistakes I made in much earlier life. Like the OP I had a very tricky upbringing with little / no emotional support.

I agree with all the other posts that say you made a mistake and it was a desperate cry for help which went unnoticed and then punished.

What I don't get is how to forgive myself / make suggestions for you to forgive yourself. Can anyone suggest? I've seen therapists and it makes me feel a bit better at the time but doesn't dislodge it iykwim.

Vivi0 · 07/02/2021 01:10

@Sae123

I'm reading all of this with interest as I can totally relate to feeling so, so bad still at 42 for mistakes I made in much earlier life. Like the OP I had a very tricky upbringing with little / no emotional support.

I agree with all the other posts that say you made a mistake and it was a desperate cry for help which went unnoticed and then punished.

What I don't get is how to forgive myself / make suggestions for you to forgive yourself. Can anyone suggest? I've seen therapists and it makes me feel a bit better at the time but doesn't dislodge it iykwim.

I suffer with anxiety and can often get caught up in overthinking about the past.

I started meditating (I use the Headspace app) and my anxiety has massively reduced and I no longer get caught up in such thoughts.

If counselling hasn’t worked for you, meditation might help.

Emeraldshamrock · 07/02/2021 01:20

Forget it shit happens if you can't change it put it behind you.
I haven't rtft it is really common for teenagers to tell lies especially teenagers who don't have an emotional support network or love and hugely common with teenagers on the spectrum.
When anyone asks say yes you fucked up you're a different person every deserves another chance.
Forgive yourself xx

NeverRTFT · 07/02/2021 09:21

OP do you feel a little bit better for writing on this thread what the lie actually was?

You deserve forgiveness. It was a horrible mistake which you have massively paid for and learned from. You have started over and grown up.

Now that the old friend has contacted a new friend then it would be helpful to take a lead on telling the new friend your truth. Hopefully she is a good friend. It will be a test of friendship but honestly I think the old friend is the one she will judge more harshly for interfering in your life after all these years.
Tell her exactly the way you told us. Your words are good and true. And it might unburden you a little

Original poster

wasntsuchasweetsixteen · 07/02/2021 09:27

@NeverRTFT

OP do you feel a little bit better for writing on this thread what the lie actually was?

You deserve forgiveness. It was a horrible mistake which you have massively paid for and learned from. You have started over and grown up.

Now that the old friend has contacted a new friend then it would be helpful to take a lead on telling the new friend your truth. Hopefully she is a good friend. It will be a test of friendship but honestly I think the old friend is the one she will judge more harshly for interfering in your life after all these years.
Tell her exactly the way you told us. Your words are good and true. And it might unburden you a little

Yes I do feel better but I’m also surprised as I honestly thought this was the worst lie I could have told. But hearing everyone say it’s not that bad is reassuring as I really thought it was disgusting of me to have said it when some people do actually die at that age and I’ve had awful awful guilt over that and really felt like a terrible person. I cried a lot last night I tried to think of myself aged 16 as a separate person to the adult me now and when I think of my own dc who are around that age I can’t imaging them going through anything like I did so I can sort of start to pick a pay why I did what I did of I try to look at it from an outsider view and not as me being critical of me

OP posts:

Emeraldshamrock · 07/02/2021 09:55

Forgive your 16 year old self.
I sometimes think of my teenage self it makes me sad how vunerable naive and hurt I was through those years.
I'm 40 now teenage years are extremely hard unless you are a confident well rounded person with a support system in place.

fastwigglylines · 07/02/2021 20:24

I cried a lot last night I tried to think of myself aged 16 as a separate person to the adult me now and when I think of my own dc who are around that age I can’t imaging them going through anything like I did so I can sort of start to pick a pay why I did what I did of I try to look at it from an outsider view and not as me being critical of me

This sounds like progress. Well done for writing about this here and facing it. It can't have been easy when you've been carrying around all this guilt for so long.

But I hope you can see, the guilt was disproportionate, as was the punishment. It's time to let it go and accept that, actually, you're a pretty decent human being and there's absolutely no need to feel guilty any more.

Coffeeandaride · 07/02/2021 20:35

I think it’s unfair of them to tell people now, I’d assume at 42 years you’d be different and that the other person can form their own opinion. If someone told me that a friend of mine lied like that at 16, I’d feel bad that I knew (without them telling me) and wonder at the motives of the informer (probably likes to tell a dramatic story).

StrangeLookingParasite · 07/02/2021 20:53

There is no saint without a past, no sinner without a future Augustine of Hippo.

Not so much for me the religious perspective of saints/sinners, as that everyone has their regrets or things they would rather not have done/said.

Sae123 · 07/02/2021 23:52

@Vivi0
Thanks. I'll look again at meditation. It's difficult to get started / stick but good to know it's making a positive difference in your life.

WellThisIsShit · 08/02/2021 02:21

Well done OP, that sounds like a massive step in the right direction for you. I’m so glad

SD1978 · 08/02/2021 02:52

The friend that has been warned- are they a close friend? I agree regarding tightening up your Facebook settings so you aren't visible to friends of friends. Has the drones said anything to you? You don't need to launch into a huge description, juts that things were very different at 16- like they were for most people, and 20+ years later youve moved on as most of us have, and it's a time you'd rather not dwell on or try to justify. If they are your friend, they'll be curious- who would it! However should leave it at that.

Graciebobcat · 08/02/2021 05:03

I hope having DC of a similar age will help you on a path towards forgiving and loving your 16 year old self. If your own kids did this, presumably you'd think they deserved help, love and support not rejection. I don't think what you did was even dishonest or untruthful, it was a cry for help. You had stopped eating, you had more than one illness people can die from - depression and an eating disorder. You should have been supported and the college and your family were absolutely appalling.

Rangoon · 08/02/2021 06:03

It says more about the person dragging up stuff from 26 years ago than it says about you and your desperate lie as a teenager. I would think badly of a person in their forties spreading that sort of gossip and consider them no more than a malicious tattle tail. We all did stupid things as teenagers. You didn't ruin somebody's reputation, make someone lose their job, break up a family, unjustly send somebody to prison, or make money out of it and the person who was most hurt by this was you. I can't see how your school friends were traumatised by finding out you weren't about to die and to be fair you must have been pretty unwell. I think the college was completely unreasonable.

Imworthit · 08/02/2021 06:24

By owning it. It was your past from forever ago. Your a grown up no excuses, no apologies just be your best self, handle yourself with integrity and dignity. anyone worth their salt will make there own conclusions about you & gossips arnt worth knowing.

Porridgeoat · 08/02/2021 06:36

People should not forgive their childhood abuser. They were adults abusing a child with a disability. This is clearly a safeguarding issue and therapy to come to terms with things now is more appropriate. The main point is that you were a child reacting my badly to an awful situation and it was a long time ago. People change.

With your friend who had been warned and the person who did the warning just be honest. If you want to? Tell them you had a really difficult childhood and you made some poor choices as a child which upset everyone and which you felt bad about as a teen resulting in moving away. However you’ve learnt from your childhood mistakes. It was 30 years ago

MRex · 08/02/2021 06:39

Once the college had called my parents and asked me to leave I pretty much didn’t get to leave the house again for a long time.
Did you speak with the college yourself at any point during this incident? I'm wondering if they actually did ask you to leave, or if your parents withdrew you and told you that to keep you away. The college should have been doing some safeguarding checks as well, but the story told to them may have bern different, and the ending may therefore have been different to your group of friends too.

Porridgeoat · 08/02/2021 06:43

If my friends shared some thing difficult from the past, a mistake or whatever, my first feeling would be kindness and compassion. In my friendship group we all have some historic crazy teen behaviour but now aged 52 53 we can see teen mishaps as part of a journey

Llamadog · 08/02/2021 06:46

Sixteen year olds do stupid things. I remember a friend telling us she was hurting herself and suicidal at that age for attention. My friendship group were all terribly worried and the school/parents were involved. None of this is something I would raise 20 years on. I think you need to forgive yourself and move on. Not a great thing to have done, but not dreadful at all.

Porridgeoat · 08/02/2021 06:54

I think the college dealt badly with the situation. I think they should have sat you all down and supported a discussion about every ones feelings. Helped you all work through things pastorally.

However more importantly the college missed a massive safeguarding flag. They missed the emotional abuse which they should have picked up at this point.

Porridgeoat · 08/02/2021 06:58

Also I thought you were going to tell us something much more serious. A bigger issue. You made a silly mistake as a child yes. Please don’t give this too much thought now. Be kind to yourself

alanpartridgefromtheoasthouse · 08/02/2021 07:09

I feel so sorry for you OP. I can totally see how it happened and I don't think you should feel guilty about it any more. We all do stupid things as teenagers and most of the time there aren't huge consequences.

I used to beg strangers for money "for my bus fare" when I was a teenager. I didn't even really need the money, I don't know why I did it. I'm mortified about it now, I only lived in a small town so it could easily have got back to my parents and they would have been furious with me.

You were still a child and you were going through a tough time. I hope you can work on forgiving yourself and yes, I agree, delete your Facebook page.

Heatherjayne1972 · 08/02/2021 07:20

If it was me I’d never speak if it. Because the past is past
However if someone else mentioned it I’d give a puzzled / raised eyebrow look and ask why they are still discussing something that happened over 20 years ago to a child ? Ask and pause for an answer
Sort of style it out- in a way

We all do daft things op. Forgive yourself