Judged for something I did aged 16 how can I stop this?

[wasntsuchasweetsixteen]

As a (v immature) 16 year old. I did something awful. Told a massive awful terrible lie and then many other small lies to keep up the first.
I shouldn’t have. Obviously I know now how wrong it was and that I hurt people (my them bf and some friends).

Not to defend myself but to give insight into why this happened I was as I said v immature, also suffering abuse at home (emotional) and have asd and I had issues with boundaries and the truth. Anyway it was awful and wrong.
I tried to move on and move away from all that and learnt a lesson. However I’ve heard from someone recently that a friend had spoken to her about me after seeing my name come up on fb and wanted to ‘warn’ her about me.
I’m ashamed of my past but I was 16. This was a long time ago (I’m 42 now) I don’t want to be judged by a teenage mistake forever. I don’t know what to do

I've worked in education for a long time and this kind of lie happens more than you think. Usually it's when the person who tells the lie is at a really low and/or vulnerable point in the life and need people to care and support them. For whatever reason, they don't know how to do this so say something extreme to get this need met. OP - try to view it that you were trying to communicate a need to these people. This was about you trying to deal with really complex emotions and was never about hurting your friends. Be kind to yourself xxx

[quote CatsNotDogs]@Eeeemac

Oh Eeeemac. What's it like to be so fucking perfect? [/quote]
Oh I wouldn’t call it being perfect...either trolling or quite a messed up perspective to hold.

It doesn’t sound as bad as you are making out. I thought you were going to say your falsely accused someone of something.
Your old ‘friend’ sounds very odd warning people about something you said as a child.
It sounds like your parents and collage over reacted too.
You need to forgive yourself people have done way way worse.

I'd come off Facebook for a while but not permanently you don't need to hide away you Sudbury hurt anyone. Stupid thing to do at the time but you don't need to be punished you had a difficult time.

I feel sick and sad for you, you sound lovely.
It’s horrid that it’s come up again bringing with it the horror and pain it caused you.
Sounds like the punishment was absolutely brutal and over the top, you poor girl
Please try and find peace with this, see a therapist, talk to a friend, 16 year old you deserves forgiveness and a break
Xxxxxx

@ooherrmissus14

I've worked in education for a long time and this kind of lie happens more than you think. Usually it's when the person who tells the lie is at a really low and/or vulnerable point in the life and need people to care and support them. For whatever reason, they don't know how to do this so say something extreme to get this need met. OP - try to view it that you were trying to communicate a need to these people. This was about you trying to deal with really complex emotions and was never about hurting your friends. Be kind to yourself xxx

I really wish someone had seen this as a warning sign and helped me. I literally couldn’t say it myself i never considered telling anyone I thought I wouldn’t be believed. At any appts my mother would always wear an expression of total confusion/exhaustion about my behaviour and would cry all the time In front of drs teachers etc about how my ‘disorder’ affected HER. She behaved like a victim yet as soon as the door was shut she would be laughing at me mocking me and things I did (stimming particularly) and i had no privacy or freedoms. She put on an act though. My parents had money and I was constantly told by professionals how embarrassing it must be and upsetting for my poor parents trying to do their best in terrible circumstances and how i should be grateful for all they did for me etc etc

Get rid of Facebook!!! I know others have said the same!! I was obsessed with checking f.b.. then my ex commented about it (when he was on it and I wasn't!!) I deleted it and him!! Haven't checked it for 3 years and it is amazing!!!!

You need to forgive your 16 year old self, Op. I would suggest therapy.

You were young and needed love. You lied to get it. You didn't hurt anyone, no one went to prison. I would honestly forget it and move on. I dont understand why some one would bother to warn others about you, over 20 years later?! If your friend asks you, just say, "I was a daft teenager who didn't eat for a while. I thought that it was easier to say that I was ill, to distract people from why I wasn't eating! Lesson learned, always be honest!" She's your friend, she's always going to have your back. Stop worrying. Some people have done far worse things and actually don't care.

@Reallyhadenough

Get rid of Facebook!!! I know others have said the same!! I was obsessed with checking f.b.. then my ex commented about it (when he was on it and I wasn't!!) I deleted it and him!! Haven't checked it for 3 years and it is amazing!!!!

I considered this today as it hasn’t been the help I thought it would be. I had used it as a way to try and be sociable as in real life I’m spectacularly awkward and fb took away that part of it mostly. Maybe I just need to delete my account

@ooherrmissus14

I've worked in education for a long time and this kind of lie happens more than you think. Usually it's when the person who tells the lie is at a really low and/or vulnerable point in the life and need people to care and support them. For whatever reason, they don't know how to do this so say something extreme to get this need met. OP - try to view it that you were trying to communicate a need to these people. This was about you trying to deal with really complex emotions and was never about hurting your friends. Be kind to yourself xxx

Thank you. You just verbalised a very bad time and place in my life. I wish I'd had someone in my educational path like you.

Oh this is so sad. Please forgive your 16 year old self and try to move on. It's so long ago and you have new friends to make as a grown-up woman. Try to look forward, not back.

You are not a terrible person, I can't believe that the college asked you to leave, I can't believe no one questioned why a 16 year old would tell a lie like that. You were badly let down. You are not that person anymore and you need to let it go. If people judge you by the person you were 25 years ago they are not the sort of people that you want to be friends with.

Eeeemac adults are accountable for how they treat children. A 16 year old who makes a misjudgement with a backdrop of serious underlying issues is a totally different matter.

I wouldn't think badly of you for this unless it was part of a pattern of behaviour in adulthood. Who didn't say stupid stuff when they were 16? Your lie was outlandish but, as an autistic teen, you were unlikely to have understood the social intricacies defining the boundaries of such things. It's understandable.

I'd be more critical of the behaviour of the old friend. Quite a vindictive way for her to behave.

Like others have said, I also want to give you a huge hug.

It really, really isn't that bad. I'm sorry you were punished so badly for it by those who should have had the sense to ask you what was going on.

It sounds like you've been traumatised by the incident and are finding it hard to let go as your brain wants to process it. It's this kind of thing that can respond really well to therapy as a good therapist can help you process it and move on.

The story on its own sounds not nearly as bad as things my friends have told me with humour, along the lines of "OMG, I was terrible as a teenager, guess what I did! I did XYZ, can you imagine? My poor mother/friends etc!" but no on thinks they're like that now.

I wonder also if maybe you might have rejection sensitivity dysphoria? I have ADHD and I've been reading up about it, but I think it may be something you can get with ASD also?

It's hard to deal with rejection if you have RSD, it can make you really hang on to it and not know how to process it. RSD can be triggered with perceived rejection. However you experienced a whole lot of actual rejection from those who should really have been concerned for your feelings. I wonder if that's made it harder for you to process. Just a thought, perhaps something to think about.

www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-adhd-symptom-test/

wasntsuchasweetsixteen, please have a think about how to start working out how to forgive your 16 year-old-self for this, so you can move on. It's a ghost of the past that you need to banish back to the past where it belongs, it has no business in your life now.

Oh OP. I wouldn't want to lose you as a friend if I were your friend now and you told me that story. I'll be honest I thought you did something really terrible and there were awful consequences for other people. The story you told was about a sixteen year old girl - if we were friends now at 42 I absolutely would give you a big hug and get back to our friendship as normal.
Well done for overcoming your terrible home circumstances too.

[quote DewDropsonKittens]@Eeeemac Quite possibly the most ridiculous thing I have ever read. Wtf is wrong with you??[/quote]
Just spreading their special brand of "joy" on another thread.

To the OP: dude, just not that awful a thing. You poor girl, at 16 that was a lot to be dealing with, the college failed you, then your parents basically imprisoned you.
Honestly, I know it's difficult, but see if you can access some therapy. You need to forgive yourself for this, and this rumour-monging "friend" can go piss up a rope, frankly.

Oh goodness, @wasntsuchasweetsixteen

I can't advise you re. Facebook (though I loathe social media, and have no social media presence at all, unless you count MN - and I have had God knows how many name changes on here over the past 18 yrs).

However, I can say that if any of my children came out with a lie of this type, my sole focus would be on their wellbeing. I wouldn't necessarily try to work out 'why' (because teenagers, like toddlers, sometimes do really unfathomable things), but I would very much see it as a cry for attention/help. I absolutely would not judge. My children have done all kinds of things which have displeased me - but I hope I have never made them feel like fundamentally bad people.

Good people sometimes make bad choices, and do silly things. 16 is very young (it seems very old when you have young children, but very young when you have older ones).

Don't punish yourself any further, and don't allow anyone else to punish you, either. You are a better person than anyone who seeks to revisit an ancient mistake.

In your situation I’d probably ask your friend what’s been said, if it’s everything, explain your situation, if she is a true friend she won’t care.

If she dosnt know, again a true friend probably wouldn’t care to know the details. I’d say that a v long time ago, I messed up. It’s in my past it’s not who I am now. Then leave it at that unless you feel you can confide in them.

Most teenagers mess up in one way or another. Its whether they learn from their mistakes and change that is a sign of good character.

As someone who has been in your friends position I just said thanks for the heads up, what did they do? The person who wanted me to know about my friend just couldn’t say because of ‘confidentiality”, apparently it was something that happened when they were at school together. I know the person who messaged me left school at 16 and the friend in question was 2 years younger so she couldn’t have been more than 14. My response was, o ok and I changed the subject, I never brought it up with the person in question as what ever it was happened before I knew them and quite frankly none of my business.

I’d also heavily lockdown your fb account so people can’t see your profile or you on your friends list. Maybe change your profile pic to something neutral that dosnt show your face or even change your name slightly, add a nickname or something so people from your past don’t know it’s you.

I considered this today as it hasn’t been the help I thought it would be. I had used it as a way to try and be sociable as in real life I’m spectacularly awkward and fb took away that part of it mostly. Maybe I just need to delete my account

A bit of a tangent but if you're looking for ways to socialise without autism getting in the way, have you thought of joining any groups doing voluntary work, or any political campaigning, if there's stuff you're passionate about?

I'm involved in political campaigning on a single issue and it's surprising how many people ASD and ADHD people are involved - a friend and I noticed how it made things like going to the pub, for example, easier for those with ASD if you were with your activist mates, everyone was focussed on talking about the same subject, that you were also interested in. No need for all that awkward, purposeless small talk.

@fastwigglylines

Like others have said, I also want to give you a huge hug.

It really, really isn't that bad. I'm sorry you were punished so badly for it by those who should have had the sense to ask you what was going on.

It sounds like you've been traumatised by the incident and are finding it hard to let go as your brain wants to process it. It's this kind of thing that can respond really well to therapy as a good therapist can help you process it and move on.

The story on its own sounds not nearly as bad as things my friends have told me with humour, along the lines of "OMG, I was terrible as a teenager, guess what I did! I did XYZ, can you imagine? My poor mother/friends etc!" but no on thinks they're like that now.

I wonder also if maybe you might have rejection sensitivity dysphoria? I have ADHD and I've been reading up about it, but I think it may be something you can get with ASD also?

It's hard to deal with rejection if you have RSD, it can make you really hang on to it and not know how to process it. RSD can be triggered with perceived rejection. However you experienced a whole lot of actual rejection from those who should really have been concerned for your feelings. I wonder if that's made it harder for you to process. Just a thought, perhaps something to think about.

www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-adhd-symptom-test/

wasntsuchasweetsixteen, please have a think about how to start working out how to forgive your 16 year-old-self for this, so you can move on. It's a ghost of the past that you need to banish back to the past where it belongs, it has no business in your life now.

I got 54/60 It does sound very much like me. I did spend a huge part of early childhood in desperation trying anything and everything to impress my mother and make her love me

don't beat yourself up about this op. You were a child.

@sadpapercourtesan thanks for the smile. But I do wonder whether these toxic characters really are so wrapped up their own arses they don't realise. Then I stop giving them headspace.

I'm shocked that your then friends haven't shown the same level of maturity you have in moving on from this. You should be proud of how far you've come and don't beat yourself up at what your 16 yr old self did our didn't do and remember hormones at this age play a huge factor. Please don't beat yourself up over this, cringe at it and move on, you deserve that!