Judged for something I did aged 16 how can I stop this?

[wasntsuchasweetsixteen]

As a (v immature) 16 year old. I did something awful. Told a massive awful terrible lie and then many other small lies to keep up the first.
I shouldn’t have. Obviously I know now how wrong it was and that I hurt people (my them bf and some friends).

Not to defend myself but to give insight into why this happened I was as I said v immature, also suffering abuse at home (emotional) and have asd and I had issues with boundaries and the truth. Anyway it was awful and wrong.
I tried to move on and move away from all that and learnt a lesson. However I’ve heard from someone recently that a friend had spoken to her about me after seeing my name come up on fb and wanted to ‘warn’ her about me.
I’m ashamed of my past but I was 16. This was a long time ago (I’m 42 now) I don’t want to be judged by a teenage mistake forever. I don’t know what to do

It sounds like you had a similar childhood to me. I told big fibs back then as a 13/14 year old and I'm embarrassed of them now - nothing to harm anyone but obvious lies. Just to have some care and attention. I'm totally different now and always remember that nobody is who they were back then. Please be reassured. What has your friend said to you? Is she being normal?

Was it criminal. If not forget about it.

OP honestly it’s not that bad. College shouldn’t have made you leave and your ‘mate’ needs to move on.

Just to be clear wgg he en I was 16-18 I did much much worse than that. I’m 41 now and not that person anymore . Try and by kind to yourself.

@wasntsuchasweetsixteen

I think at the time it was such a huge thing and I got in so much trouble that’s stayed with me that I was that awful, that terrible and I’d tried to bury it away and move on and the embarrassment I feel that it’s resurfaced is hard to deal with. Maybe there’s a chance for me to explain I’m not sure. To say I’m really sorry but I was going through a dreadful time I don’t know 😞 But Thankyou to everyone who had been so kind I literally thought I was the worst person for telling such a horrible lie

Oh, OP. You are seeing through the memory of shame, hurt and abuse you were experiencing at the time.

You need help to understand that yes, you created a lie to make people care about you, but the people who SHOULD have cared about you - your parents, and the college staff, let you down MORE.

The college behaved deplorably. They should have, at a minimum, sought to find out why you had created the lie.

You were a child. You lied. Some friends got upset / tried to help you and felt betrayed when they found out the truth. It's not nice but it's NOT a terrible crime, and the reasons for it are probably worse.

Please don't carry this crippling shame around with you much longer. See a good therapist and get some help if you haven't already.

For what it's worth, I told my friends at senior school that I had a heart murmur because I wanted to feel special. Many people have done dumb things on a sliding scale xxxxx

I can see how if one of my friends had lied about having a terminal illness when we were 16, it would have been really shocking to me. But looking back there is no way I would judge a 16 year old from an abusive background for doing something like that in the way you did. I am sorry that your former friend can’t be more understanding at this point, but I would try not to worry about it. Hopefully others will see the bigger picture if it does get raised again.

Personally I feel you were the victim here. You were actually sick, you were at risk of dying due to starvation and poor mental health. Telling people the lie was a cry for help and your college kicked you out that's aweful. Absolutely no sympathy for the person trying to ruin your life by contacting people you know decades later they need to go to counseling that's worse than what you did.

Ps yes I totally agree the college should not have punished you or made you leave, I think nowadays you would hopefully be offered support.

Move on from your past and leave these people behind. You have grown up and this is an episode that has helped shape you and develop your character. Yes, you regret it - thats good. It shows you have compassion and empathy - something you don't seem to have had much directed at you.

The person telling these stories about you must be severely lacking in their own life. That's sad. But don't give it any headspace. Move on and be happy - everyone deserves it.

@wasntsuchasweetsixteen forgive yourself, you were 16

I would just say wow how aweful that they contacted you about that! glad I'm not that person because your not that person was a a poor mentally ill 16 year old and your a grown woman.

Op your a different person, if there honestly isn't a drip feed or something I would go mental at someone trying to do something like that to me.

Dont do anything to fuel it. If someone tried to warn me about something someone had done as a child I'd be more concerned about the person doing the warning than the original transgression. I'm sorry it's all been brought back up. You were in a bad place as a child, you know you did wrong and you have every right to move on and stay moved on. 💐

I would tell your friend that you did something awful but you weren't in a good place. If they are worth being a friend they will judge you by what they see now. I would also clamp down on security settings or delete FB.

And you are not alone your story reminded me of the one in this Guardian article. If Richard Coles can have done something awful (especially considering the social groups he was mixing in at the time), and it not to be important to how he is seen by most people nowadays - then you can too.

I would suggest seeking therapy for dealing with your toxic background (but with someone who gets ASD).

I really would not worry about what you did. Its not nice but the backstory makes it understandable. Like other PPs own it. You've done it on here and come across fine. Part of me was waiting for a one of mumsnet's must memorable threads but its not that shocking. Please have some counselling and forgive yourself. It was the product of your environment at the time x

It was 26 years ago, time to forgive yourself. Changing your Facebook name so you aren't as readily recognisable may be enough. Your ex friend is really a bit odd to be bringing it up now, maybe it would help you to contact them and lightly say something like you're sorry you lied when you were going through a very hard time at age 16 and unable to explain the true issues, and you apologise for any upset to them. Then ask that they not contact other current friends, because desperate teenage actions from 26 years ago aren't relevant to your personality nor actions now. Or maybe it wouldn't help, if that doesn't feel right then don't do it.

Honestly don't feel bad, you were in a bad place and did a silly thing, I did far worse as a teenager (who was also emotionally abused). If someone told me now a friend had lied about this at 16, I would wonder why on earth they were telling me and judge them far more than you.

OP I feel really sad for the 16 year old you. I did something similar at the same age. I'm about the same age as you now. After my boyfriend dumped me I pretended I missed my period. I never feel bad about it now or even think about it really. This is a child's lie, bound to be found out and with no thought about what will happen if believed. I think do as others have advised, explain your regret briefly if you wish, to the gossiper and/or the friend. I also think doing nothing would be fine. But mainly please let go of the shame and embarrassment. Most of us have done things we wouldn't repeat and I think you have punished yourself enough.

Oh put the fucking crack pipe down Eeeemac.

OP, for a troubled 16 year old that’s really not a big enough deal for somebody to judge you for it in your forties! I agree with PP, just own it. Tell your friend you were just a kid, it’s not something you would do as an adult and leave it at that. And stop beating yourself up over it.

Just wanted to add that when I was younger I had a friend who was early twenties (so not the same age excuse) who did some unkind things to me including stealing some of my stuff. Occasionally over the years I have brought this up with people who knew us both and I always feel they think I am being the unreasonable one still mentioning it. And that situation was not at all like yours...she was (as far as we know) just being badly behaved and not unwell or stressed.

Op, I've only read your posts and a few of the earliest ones but I want to say that I think the punishment you received at 16 was disproportionate and the guilt and shame you've carried with you since then is damaging you.

Please, its time to forgive yourself.

You needed love and kindness at the time and need it now.

As to the person stirring things up? Don't allow her any headspace. We can't control others and what they do or say, we can only manage our own behavior. If you're asked about it directly, you can explain and express how much you regret it but keep it short and don't enter into prolonged debates.

Concentrate on all the goods things you've done in your life and hold your head high. Once other people see your dignity and character they will doubt any bad-mouthers out there.

If she continues to bad mouth you, you could speak or write to her directly but again, keep it short, honest and in the past.

Honestly if judge the person “snitching” on you after all these years. I was a horrible teen infact in the middle of being assessed for adhd I just refused to go to anymore sessions so who knows on that one.

But I told lies we all did. My lies mainly put me in harms way but to be judged on those lies before I was an adult a mother a married women would be crazy.

You probably feel it is really awful as your abusers convinced you of that and used it as a way to abuse you further.

God - Op - is that all? I assumed you falsely accused someone of rape.

The only people who had anything to be ashamed of are the college and your parents.

The college had a chance to discover what was going on with you and they missed it. Sounds pretty incompetent to me.

Kids do exaggerate for attention. I remember when we did our first aid badge when I was in the guides. By week 3 of it half the girls in our pack had their arms in slings due to “sprained wrists”.

Definitely block them all! I've blocked 56 people on Facebook it's a relief tbh nearly everyone from school and college, my workplace bully and their family/friends and even toxic family members, my best friend who slept with my bf and her family. It's awesome cut out the toxic parts you don't need the baggage

oh @wasntsuchasweetsixteen forgive yourself. That really isn’t such an awful thing.

I wouldn't do or say anything @wasntsuchasweetsixteen

If I met someone and they became a friend or 'friendly acquaintance' and they started slagging someone off who did something 'wrong' 25 years ago, I would think ill of THEM, and not the person who did the 'bad' thing as a teenager/younger person.

Over a decade ago, I knew a woman (in the area I used to live,) called Carol, and she seemed OK for the 7 to 10 times I had spoken to her. Then this woman moved in a few doors from me, called Becky, and Carol instantly told me she was a 'fucking weirdo' who had fired a hate campaign at her ex's new girlfriend Charlotte, making up lies about her, and trying to get her the sack.

Becky was apparently reported to the police by Charlotte, and was arrested and given a 6 month suspended prison sentence for harassment (and a couple of other things, like breaching the peace or something.)

It had happened FIFTEEN YEARS before, and yet this woman Carol dragged it back up the first time she saw Becky.

Becky seemed lovely, and chatty and friendly, and had done wrong and paid her dues, and I thought it was very unkind of Carol to drag it up, and tell the neighbourhood. Fortunately, most people didn't give a shit about Becky's past, and just thought Carol was a nasty cow.

So I wouldn't worry, as anyone bitching and gossiping about you, about something you did 25 years ago, is going to look like an arsehole, not you.