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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Judged for something I did aged 16 how can I stop this?

252 replies

wasntsuchasweetsixteen · 06/02/2021 18:43

As a (v immature) 16 year old. I did something awful. Told a massive awful terrible lie and then many other small lies to keep up the first.
I shouldn’t have. Obviously I know now how wrong it was and that I hurt people (my them bf and some friends).

Not to defend myself but to give insight into why this happened I was as I said v immature, also suffering abuse at home (emotional) and have asd and I had issues with boundaries and the truth. Anyway it was awful and wrong.
I tried to move on and move away from all that and learnt a lesson. However I’ve heard from someone recently that a friend had spoken to her about me after seeing my name come up on fb and wanted to ‘warn’ her about me.
I’m ashamed of my past but I was 16. This was a long time ago (I’m 42 now) I don’t want to be judged by a teenage mistake forever. I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
Five67Eight · 06/02/2021 19:29

@peachgreen

If someone told me that a friend of mine had done this at 16 I would find it very weird that they had told me and would think less of them for gossiping, but it wouldn't impact my opinion of my friend at all.
Very much agree with this, and I think most (reasonable) people would think the same.

You poor thing. I think you need to have a look at your FB settings to up your privacy, and change your name a bit, to limit what people from your past can identify about you.

AnaisNun · 06/02/2021 19:29

OP - there’s a series on IPlayer, it’s called Love life and it stars Anna Kendrick. Her character does exactly this midway through the series. It wonder if it might might be cathartic for you to watch? (Only you know if it would be, or if it would be triggering).

Cattenberg · 06/02/2021 19:30

I had a school friend who told many tall tales. When she was about 15, she told another friend that she was dying of leukaemia and had spent Christmas Day in hospital, on a drip. Our friend went home and cried.

I think our attention-seeking friend finally grew out of this behaviour in her early 20s. Anyway, it seems really weird that someone is still stirring up trouble over what you said more than 20 years ago. Hopefully, the stirrer will end up looking bad, not you.

Original poster
wasntsuchasweetsixteen · 06/02/2021 19:30

I just still feel embarrassed and so guilty and so stupid that I should have just told someone the truth rather than make up something and being dumped I suppose I should have accepted but I had never felt that anyone cared about me till then so it al went totally wrong in my mind

Thsnkyou for being so kind. I just wish I’d never done it. I generally didn’t lie before them and haven’t really after it was just a huge lie and all concentrated into one part of my life maybe it was a breakdown whatever it was I feel awful I did it

OP posts:
dandelionbayts · 06/02/2021 19:30

You were a child OP. We've all done things we aren't proud of, you've clearly learnt your lesson so move on.

mbosnz · 06/02/2021 19:31

You were a child, a messed up child, who didn't know how to deal with a situation, and dealt with it in a less than perfect manner.

You didn't set out to defraud anyone, you were caught on the spot, and you magnified things. If I were you, I'd be upfront about it, you cannot run from your mistakes, they catch up with you, but you can make it clear that you've learned from them, you've grown, and you've moved on. As other people far less immediately affected really rather ought to. . . it's yesterday's chippy paper. . .

BBCONEANDTWO · 06/02/2021 19:32

Don't do anything sweetie - we all make mistakes - even when we're older people do things they regret.

If anyone brings it up to you just say gosh it was so long ago and I'm a much better person now.

Please don't let this ruin your new 'self'.

PearlescentIridescent · 06/02/2021 19:33

This is difficult.

My judgement would be - did you set things straight?

My partners ex is an awful woman - she ruined my already vulnerable dps support network after he ended things by telling everyone he was a violent abusive partner. I've also recently discovered she routinely lies about similar but even worse awful things about others on the internet. These aren't just words, they ruin lives and no one would ever question someone is the apparent victim's position. And lies of that sort of magnitude don't really have an expiry date on the harm they do either.

So, did you set things straight with the relevant people that it was a lie, or was it a case of you moved on and think others should too?

I don't want to come across as harsh, I do empathise truly, people who do those things are clearly suffering some pretty big separate issues and I always bear this in mind. But that doesn't help the subject of the lie either.

FatCatThinCat · 06/02/2021 19:33

Bloody hell OP, in the great grand scheme of everything stupid a teenager has ever done, that doesn't even make the top 100. You're carrying a stupid teenage fuck up around with you like a millstone. Forgive yourself for being a daft kid and let it go.

Heyahun · 06/02/2021 19:34

Couldn’t this all just be solved by deleting your bloody Facebook page ! Then nobody from your past sees you or knows who your new friends are

LalalalalalaLand123 · 06/02/2021 19:34

I would get off Facebook

Marinaloves · 06/02/2021 19:35

Just don’t use social media. It’s toxic in the main.
Honestly. What you did is not that bad

littlepinkwinky · 06/02/2021 19:35

Oh wow - you were just a kid, and you WERE poorly, in a way. I thought you were going to say that you broke up a marriage and a family. You were very, very young. Please try to forgive that sad young girl.

Original poster
wasntsuchasweetsixteen · 06/02/2021 19:35

@PearlescentIridescent

This is difficult.

My judgement would be - did you set things straight?

My partners ex is an awful woman - she ruined my already vulnerable dps support network after he ended things by telling everyone he was a violent abusive partner. I've also recently discovered she routinely lies about similar but even worse awful things about others on the internet. These aren't just words, they ruin lives and no one would ever question someone is the apparent victim's position. And lies of that sort of magnitude don't really have an expiry date on the harm they do either.

So, did you set things straight with the relevant people that it was a lie, or was it a case of you moved on and think others should too?

I don't want to come across as harsh, I do empathise truly, people who do those things are clearly suffering some pretty big separate issues and I always bear this in mind. But that doesn't help the subject of the lie either.

No I didn’t get a chance. Once the college had called my parents and asked me to leave I pretty much didn’t get to leave the house again for a long time. I was severely punished and not allowed out as I was ‘untrustworthy’ also there was no way then to communicate with anyone and I wasn’t allowed access to the phone or even to money to buy stamps to write a letter. So there was no real closure
OP posts:
Musicalmistress · 06/02/2021 19:36

@Eeeemac

So you don't want to be judged for something you did years ago but are happy to judge your parents from years ago by including your suffering abuse at home comment.

If you want to be forgiven extend that forgiveness to others too.

Abused no a child is not something that needs to be forgiven. Ever!
Original poster
wasntsuchasweetsixteen · 06/02/2021 19:36

@Heyahun

Couldn’t this all just be solved by deleting your bloody Facebook page ! Then nobody from your past sees you or knows who your new friends are
I have considered this today
OP posts:
Stinkywizzleteets · 06/02/2021 19:36

Op on the scale of things what you did wasn’t that bad and it was a lifetime ago but I do understand how the autistic brain plays these things over and over. I still beat myself up over something I said when I was 9 years old and wish I could fix it. That’s almost 40 years ago!

You old friend is a drama queen. Most people will have moved on, most people will have realised you were a troubled teen. We all know someone who did similar in their teens - it’s what teens do. What we don’t do as adults is bring it up again unless we’re trying to create drama and gossip.

You don’t even need to tell your new friend what the lie was just hat you see stupid in the past you learned from it and maybe remind them to judge you on what they personally know of you now not what some ex friend says about you from 25 years ago.

cansu · 06/02/2021 19:37

There is an easy way out of all this crap and gossip.
Get off facebook for a bit. If you do really like it and want it, rejoin with a different name.

Alternatively, do not engage in any discussion about this episode. It really is not so terrible and was so long ago as to be completely irrelevant. If anyone does directly bring it up with you, I would be tempted to brush it aside with 'yes I imagine we all do stupid stuff we regret as teens'

Honestly, whoever is stirring this shit up is bonkers and not a very nice person. Shrug it off.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 06/02/2021 19:37

Ahhh OP. I also want to give you a hug.

Please forgive yourself for this. You were a kid. You were being emotionally abused by people who were supposed to love and protect you, and you done something daft.

It would have upset people at the time but I cant believe someone would still hold on to this story as a stick to beat you with.

I think I would tell my friend if it were me. Explain the situation at home and you dont know why you told the lie, but you moved on and it's two and a half decades later.

We've all done stupid things and told stupid lies when we were younger.

Your past hasn't come back to haunt you because it was a moment of teenage madness with lots of bot normal factors in play.

Gretafamily · 06/02/2021 19:38

You are carrying so much guilt over this. I hope you can move past it as it’s not even that terrible. As pp said the college should’ve helped, not kicked you out and whoever is still judging you is a twat.

Phoenix21 · 06/02/2021 19:39

OP there no need for you to still feel guilt over that, most teenagers do stupid things and you were clearly having a difficult time.

Are you sure that new friend didn’t tell you what old ‘friend’ did as a warning not to trust old friend?

PearlescentIridescent · 06/02/2021 19:39

Sorry OP, there is a level of projection in my post and your lie may not have been directly harmful to someone. If it was though, it might even be cathartic to set the record straight?

Listen to the responses you've received here - no one who has any idea of what you went through back that would be able to continue to hold it against you if you opened up and also admitted your mistake - and if at that point they are still arseholes then you've done all you possibly can to rectify the situation.

Cheeeeislifenow · 06/02/2021 19:39

@Eeeemac

Are you my mother?! Lol 😆😆😆
This is the kind of shit she would spout and wonders why none of her kids can stand her.

1Morewineplease · 06/02/2021 19:40

Oh my lovely... you are a wonderful person. You've accepted your lie and you clearly want to move on in your life.
Social media is an horrific place. Do you really want to be part of this? I'd walk away from social media and focus on the here and now, if you can. If people, locally, know, then that's a bit tricky .
Just keep saying that you were young, inexperienced and that you've learned and moved on. Only stupid people will hold you to a lie from the past.

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 06/02/2021 19:41

OP, this is not that bad. It’s much worse in your head than it is in reality. Please get someone to talk or and offload this. Part of your guilt is due to the emotional abuse and low self esteem. You should not be carrying this burden.

Sending hugs.