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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Judged for something I did aged 16 how can I stop this?

252 replies

wasntsuchasweetsixteen · 06/02/2021 18:43

As a (v immature) 16 year old. I did something awful. Told a massive awful terrible lie and then many other small lies to keep up the first.
I shouldn’t have. Obviously I know now how wrong it was and that I hurt people (my them bf and some friends).

Not to defend myself but to give insight into why this happened I was as I said v immature, also suffering abuse at home (emotional) and have asd and I had issues with boundaries and the truth. Anyway it was awful and wrong.
I tried to move on and move away from all that and learnt a lesson. However I’ve heard from someone recently that a friend had spoken to her about me after seeing my name come up on fb and wanted to ‘warn’ her about me.
I’m ashamed of my past but I was 16. This was a long time ago (I’m 42 now) I don’t want to be judged by a teenage mistake forever. I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
louise4754 · 06/02/2021 19:15

Oh I wouldn't worry about that you were a teenager you didn't hurt anyone

ShastaBeast · 06/02/2021 19:15

@louise4754 my ASD child is a fabulous liar. You do not embody autism in its totality.

Original poster
wasntsuchasweetsixteen · 06/02/2021 19:16

I actually feel awful. It was an awful thing to do. I wanted to forget it all forever. I shouldn’t have lied and I made people I cared about upset and think they were going to lose a friend. It’s horrible and I learnt from that but now it’s resurfaced and I’m mortified and so upset

OP posts:
sadpapercourtesan · 06/02/2021 19:16

That story just makes me want to hug you. You were 16 years old, hurt, unwell and struggling and you blurted out a lie which then grew arms and legs. Then you were found out and humiliated and disgraced. You've suffered enough OP, you really need to put this down now. You have nothing to feel ashamed about.

louise4754 · 06/02/2021 19:16

Just say you had issues and got help your a different person now

Sittingonabench · 06/02/2021 19:18

Ok so when I read your posts my head did go to a false rape claim which would be understandably difficult to move on from as it is a very serious mistake with long lasting consequences. Assuming your lies were just embarrassing and acting out then would accept them as being part of who you are, you learned from them and without them you wouldn’t be who you are. Friends will understand that you have done things you are ashamed of and you don’t want to spread. I would tell this friend the truth accepting it was totally wrong but was an event that made you change in a positive direction and change your social media settings.

Wildery · 06/02/2021 19:18

OP you poor thing. That isn’t a huge awful lie - I did far, far worse when I was an idiotic teenager and never even think about it. Please don’t dwell on it. I’m sorry your parents didn’t care about you in the way they should have.

Bluntasduck · 06/02/2021 19:18

sixteen year olds often make stupid choices, especially if they are living in abusive situations. You are a completely different person from who you were when you were sixteen and if people can not see that that is not your problem.

You might find therapy useful though because carrying around that weight of shame for so long is not good for you.

OhCaptain · 06/02/2021 19:19

Yeah I figured it was that.

You were a kid. You messed up.

I’d be more concerned that someone felt the need to “warn” people all these years later. What a loser.

Unless they raised money for treatment and you pocketed it or something.

senua · 06/02/2021 19:19

Is that all!?
Anyone with an ounce of empathy would feel sorry for the 16 y.o. you, not judge you 26 years later.

Grenlei · 06/02/2021 19:19

This will depend on what you did.

Cheated on a boyfriend, or falsely accused him of cheating, or something along those lines, that kind of teen romance stuff happens and is no big deal. Certainly no one should be bringing it up 20 years on.

But something more serious, if it led to a police investigation (I know you say no one went to prison but that's not the same as the police not being involved), if someone lost their job or their reputation was ruined, then that is pretty serious and I can understand why 25 years on people might still be bringing it up.

Original poster
wasntsuchasweetsixteen · 06/02/2021 19:19

I can’t to this day understand myself it just came out I didn’t Preplan it I think I just panicked and it was the first thing that came into my head as the seed had been planted by people asking so much was I ok I don’t know.
I’m embarrassed really really embarrassed

OP posts:
Notverygrownup · 06/02/2021 19:20

Keep it simple with the person who told you this, who was 'warned' about you. It was 26 years ago! You are very ashamed of what you did, you are sorry that people were hurt and continue to hold a grudge, but you have changed a lot since then. Then leave it. You cannot continue to blame yourself for this, nor have it hanging over you.

Do you listen to Saturday Live on Radio 4? The Revd Richard Coles who used to be in the Communards told an awful lie, claiming to be HIV positive when he wasn't. He has apologised, been open about what he said, and moved on. It's all that you can do.

Original poster
wasntsuchasweetsixteen · 06/02/2021 19:20

@OhCaptain

Yeah I figured it was that.

You were a kid. You messed up.

I’d be more concerned that someone felt the need to “warn” people all these years later. What a loser.

Unless they raised money for treatment and you pocketed it or something.

No no money was involved at all
OP posts:
sadpapercourtesan · 06/02/2021 19:20

i cant help thinking you probably wouldn't be carrying all this pain and shame about it if the adults around you hadn't responded so atrociously at the time. You needed support and love, not what you got Sad

If you were one of my friends, judging you would NOT be my response to finding out about this. Not for a moment.

5128gap · 06/02/2021 19:20

No one who is worth having in your life would judge you on that lie at that age and after so many years.
If no one says anything ignore it. If they ask you, just say you pretended to be ill for attention when you were 16.
Play it down. If you go round saying how awful it was you make it sound worse than it is. It's so long ago no one but you will know all the details so just admit to the bare bones of it if you have to.
And forgive yourself.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 06/02/2021 19:20

It depends what it was but most of us did stupid immature things when young. Good friends won’t judge

BlueThistles · 06/02/2021 19:21

Block everyone on FB that carries this tale OP 🌺

Georgieporgie29 · 06/02/2021 19:22

Oh bless you, it’s really not as bad as you think. I’m actually quite disgusted that the college kicked you out and didn’t actually try to help you. You have definitely suffered enough and whilst I’m sure it was quite upsetting for your friends at the time, I think this one is being a bit of a dick.
I would just say to your friend now that you had a tricky time in your teens but it was just a blip and you grew up pretty quickly after that, I’m sure any new ‘good’ friends would think no differently of you and probably did stupid things themselves Flowers

oohyoudevilyou · 06/02/2021 19:22

It doesn't sound that awful to me, OP. I'd be more inclined to avoid the "friend" who nastily dobbed you in after 26 years than someone who was a twat at 16 and got caught out! Just rise above it, and say that, yes, you were a mess at that age, but can't really remember what you said to whom, but family issues and MH issues were a huge factor.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 06/02/2021 19:22

I think it affected the person more than some people here realised. Have they ever got a proper apology? Do they understand what happened?
To actually go out of their way and "warn people" instead of just letting it go, after all this time, it had to affect them a lot.

Yes, it's serious pretending you are dying, yes the life was mess, I take back my "sit it out". Agree with others. Explain it to the person who was contacted and... I would probably try to help the other person to get over it. Whether it's apology or explanation.

Branleuse · 06/02/2021 19:22

@Eeeemac

So you don't want to be judged for something you did years ago but are happy to judge your parents from years ago by including your suffering abuse at home comment.

If you want to be forgiven extend that forgiveness to others too.

whaaaaat??
fassbendersmistress · 06/02/2021 19:22

@Eeeemac

So you don't want to be judged for something you did years ago but are happy to judge your parents from years ago by including your suffering abuse at home comment.

If you want to be forgiven extend that forgiveness to others too.

Bit harsh.

Presumably the OP parents were adults when they behaved poorly towards her. Whereas the OP was a child with much less life experience or emotional education when she behaved badly towards her friends. These are separate issues and can’t be lumped together.

OP I don’t think there is much you can do except address any rumour about yourself as and when it rests it’s head. Maintain your dignity and explain things as you’ve explained here.

Original poster
wasntsuchasweetsixteen · 06/02/2021 19:23

I feel so awful about it. And selfishly i feel I lost real friends. When I see on fb things about schooldays and long friendships I don’t have that because I totally messed it up.
What I should have done perhaps was tell the truth about what was happening at home but that never occurred to me

OP posts:
peachgreen · 06/02/2021 19:23

If someone told me that a friend of mine had done this at 16 I would find it very weird that they had told me and would think less of them for gossiping, but it wouldn't impact my opinion of my friend at all.

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