Judged for something I did aged 16 how can I stop this?

[wasntsuchasweetsixteen]

As a (v immature) 16 year old. I did something awful. Told a massive awful terrible lie and then many other small lies to keep up the first.
I shouldn’t have. Obviously I know now how wrong it was and that I hurt people (my them bf and some friends).

Not to defend myself but to give insight into why this happened I was as I said v immature, also suffering abuse at home (emotional) and have asd and I had issues with boundaries and the truth. Anyway it was awful and wrong.
I tried to move on and move away from all that and learnt a lesson. However I’ve heard from someone recently that a friend had spoken to her about me after seeing my name come up on fb and wanted to ‘warn’ her about me.
I’m ashamed of my past but I was 16. This was a long time ago (I’m 42 now) I don’t want to be judged by a teenage mistake forever. I don’t know what to do

Perhaps talk to the person who knows about this and might bring this up?

@Eeeemac

So you don't want to be judged for something you did years ago but are happy to judge your parents from years ago by including your suffering abuse at home comment.

If you want to be forgiven extend that forgiveness to others too.

Reported.

Gosh I read your “lie”

Please please forgive yourself. This is honestly not such a big deal and you are being far too hard on yourself.

Please see yourself then as others do - a very vulnerable and hurt 16 year old.

If you were my friend I wouldn’t care!!!

Whose held accountable for the fact that you were emotionally abused? I’m surprised that’s all you did . Actually in a way you were ill but with things they didn’t recognise then. The College and people around you maybe should have looked at why you did it and how they could of helped. Not shunned you that’s disgusting in my opinion. I always felt guilty for a lot growing up because my self esteem was so low. When I was called out for being a miserable angry bitch after a few years I actually said ‘well after all the shit I’ve had thrown at me I’m surprised I’ve not had a fucking breakdown’ and I didn’t give them what they wanted to hear. I stood up for my self and what I have been through and said yes i did stuff but I’ve lost the plot and called out / cut off the very people who put me there.

Honestly it’s really not bad you was just a kid you messed up and told a lie that escalated. I’m sorry it’s still causing you angst all these years later. Forgive yourself and let it go! The person bringing it up now is pathetic.

I’m going to take a wild swing and guess it was a lie about someone being dying or having died.
Whatever it was? Abuse twists your world. It skews how you sees things and messes with your ability to see rationally.
Then you get “free” and that can change.
Be who you are now. Live your life and don’t engage with the past.

I would feel sympathy for you OP, your mental health was obviously poor and it sounds like you had some sort of breakdown.

@wasntsuchasweetsixteen

I can’t to this day understand myself it just came out I didn’t Preplan it I think I just panicked and it was the first thing that came into my head as the seed had been planted by people asking so much was I ok I don’t know. I’m embarrassed really really embarrassed

Have you had therapy OP? To process your childhood and why you behaved the way you did? I think it would really help you manage these current feelings and not drag the past into present day when you have matured and emotionally moved on.

I don't see what you've described as all that bad, OP.

You didn't hurt anyone else. You've admitted here that you pretended to be ill because you felt so lost and alone and you wanted your ex-boyfriend to care about you. It sounds like you were a very vulnerable and confused young woman. Forgive yourself!

Wishing you a happy future.

@Georgieporgie29

Oh bless you, it’s really not as bad as you think. I’m actually quite disgusted that the college kicked you out and didn’t actually try to help you. You have definitely suffered enough and whilst I’m sure it was quite upsetting for your friends at the time, I think this one is being a bit of a dick. I would just say to your friend now that you had a tricky time in your teens but it was just a blip and you grew up pretty quickly after that, I’m sure any new ‘good’ friends would think no differently of you and probably did stupid things themselves

They said I couldn’t continue my studies there and that my parents should consider somewhere specialist. That the incident was too serious and I had caused other students distress it was awful

OP, in the general scheme of things that really isn't so bad. I can see it's clearly been eating away at you for a really long time but honestly, if that's the worst thing you ever do in your life then you're not doing too badly.

Most of us have done things we were ashamed of or embarrassed about as teenagers, trust me. If you are worried about this "coming out" (and if someone told me that a friend had done this quarter of a century ago, I would barely give it a second thought beyond "Poor girl, she must have been in a mess to do something like that") then head the shit-stirrer off at the pass, and tell the people around you what happened, why and how you regret it but have moved on. You don't need to go into lots of details, just the basics, but anyone worth their salt would shrug it off.

Also after reading your lie genuinely all I thought was is that it?

@wasntsuchasweetsixteen block this person from your past.

Honestly, if you told me that you were an abused teen who made up a silly lie I’d think it was understandable.

Your ex friend still harbouring it is the weird behaviour here.

Yes you lost friends then but you have friends now. Stop obsessing about the past.

That was a silly thoughtless thing to do but not evil and not unforgivable. I wonder if you’ve ever thought of talking it through with a therapist and putting the shame and embarrassment behind you. If I found this out about my friend I would want to give her a hug and say I loved her not reject her.

You don't need to do anything but clearly the person 'warned' has told you what was said.

Be honest. I was messed up and I messed up. I learnt and grown up since then.

Op I had an abusive childhood too, and I did a similar sort of thing. It was to get the attention and care that I never got at home. I realise this now. Its not uncommon at all in abusive situations.

Your former friend obviously still carries some hurt around, you can't change that now, you can't stop her telling people, all you can do is control your response, which is to tell the truth now.

What you did is totally understandable, and shouldn't have any effect on people who weren't directly involved at the time.

You poor thing op. You need to forgive 16 year old you. Imagine somebody else told you this story. You sound like a good and kind person, you would have empathy for them. You must empathise with your younger self who was suffering and I'm pain for the emotional trauma you have suffered. Your "friend" sounds toxic and gossipy. Forgive yourself op and let it go x

The past is in the past, so I don't think you need to do anything. I will say that it is never too late to apologise. A big, police-got-involved lie was told about someone close to me when I was a teenager. This affected their career and relationships. For me it lead to a PTSD diagnosis, medication and counselling on and off for the entirety of my life since. I'm now pregnant and having to recieve additional perinatal metal health support. All because someone told a lie that got out of control...

You were badly let down, by all the adults who should have been looking after you. I think all your pent-up feelings about your rotten childhood have been concentrated in this one incident, and you've been left blaming yourself where, really, you are no more deserving of blame than any other abused child.

You were a kid OP. If someone judges you on some twattish lie you told when you were a teenager then honestly youre better off without them

If some random person told me about a friend of mine's lying at 16, I'd be like "so?"

Who is going to care about this kind of thing? Anyone who does isn't worth worrying about.

OP, if people are stupid enough to judge you on something you did when you were 16 then they are not the sort of people you want to be friends with anyway.

You didn’t lie as such, you were unwell and obviously depressed to the point you looked physically ill, people asked if you were unwell and you told them you were. You were unwell, mentally .

I have 2 teenagers, both have ASD, one can’t lie, always tells the truth, the other lies through her teeth, so no ASD doesn’t always make it hard to lie, it can work both ways.

You should not be too open on social media use blocks and share very little.
As to your friend now I doubt they would care

And yes, I agree that the college kicking you out was a shit thing to do. I'm a similar age so I do know (trust me!) that things were different back then but they still should have considered that there was an underlying issue. They had an obligation under safeguarding principles to check you were OK - lying is a pretty big red flag when it comes to 'cries for help' etc.

You seem to have been let down by those you had every right to expect support and protection from, and you deserved better. Please forgive yourself.