This is racist, right?

[Nellytheele]

I live with DM and her partner at the moment, was supposed to be moving out but covid and other circumstances happened but that's a whole other thread.

DM and partner have been together 19 years and I've never been that fond of him.
Anyway, we live in a block of flats and in the building we have a young Thai woman with her daughter, a black family next door and a Turkish family. All of them are lovely people. We all talk when we pass eachother and everyone is polite. If my mum's partner is talking about them in conversation, for example if he says he was talking to them today, he refers to them in these terms which I find disgusting. He has never referred to them as just the people/family/lady/man etc. He has to make some sort of derogatory comment. For example talking about the black family next door he has referred to them as [redacted by MNHQ] the Turkish family below he has referred to as [redacted by MNHQ] and the Thai woman and her daughter as [redacted by MNHQ] he has said many other variations of these terms but I never said anything to him because I didn't want to cause a problem. I have a DD who is almost 3 and she is repeating alot of what we say so I have started to make it clear that I don't like these terms and why. I have never been ok with them but I don't want DD to think this is ok. I know I can move out and we will, but surely telling him these things are wrong should stand whether I'm living here or not.

Today when he used this term I shook my head and rolled my eyes and my DM noticed, she told him to stop with those terms. He then took the dogs out and text my DM to say he feels that he can't say what he wants in his own house, and that he was brought up using these terms so there's nothing wrong with it and it's funny. He also told her that he has friends which he uses these terms with and they laugh it off and they call him "whitey or vanilla" back. So that's makes it ok.

AIBU to say that this is wrong? Even if he does use these terms with his friends, that doesn't mean that's ok to use them for everyone but he disagrees. He says he's not racist but I disagree. I have never heard him talk about someone who isn't white without using something derogatory.

Tell me if I am wrong, because I'm living with them (even though it's my mum's house not his) should I keep my mouth shut?

[Post edited by MNHQ to remove offensive terms]

Yes, it’s racist. I think you need to move out.

He sounds absolutely vile.
You really have to ask if it's racist?!
Of course it is.
I definitely wouldn't have him anywhere near my 3 year old either, they're like sponges at that age!

Your mum is with a racist. It has been 19 years; she isnt leaving him. He isnt going to stop. Racists of this sort never actually think they are racist, it's all a joke or funny and they arent smart enough or self aware enough to realise what the underlining prejudice and bias actually mean. That they are racist.

You need to move out. Move your daughter out of there and leave your mum and her racist boyfriend to it.

That's shockingly offensive OP.

YANBU. You won't change his mind though.

He’s a racist and the way he talks is disgusting. I wouldn’t want it around my children. Time to work on this plans to move out, OP!

Yes it’s disgustingly racist.

The only thing that ever stopped a relative of mine was when we referred to him as Gammon.
The first time he'd ever had a label and he hated it.

Yeah it's racist. DH's stepfather is just the same. Luckily we don't have to live with him though!
Only you can decide if it's worth moving out over. Doesn't sound like he's going to change.

He's a racist cunt and your silence is complicity in it.

He may have been brought up with these terms but they would have been offensive even in the 1970s. They are completely unacceptable now.

I would honestly hit the roof if someone used language like this around my children. I would have also asked that he not use it around me. Living with someone doesn't mean you should completely disregard their feelings.

YADNBU. Even if he did have a friend of every one of those exact ethnicities (which he doesn't) and uses those exact names with them, they're not like Racism Ambassadors. They can't give him carte blanche to use racist names to describe literally everyone who isn't white, that's not how that works. He's just racist.

You know full well this is racist and deeply offensive OP so why repeat it here?

AIBU to say that this is wrong?

@Nellytheele

You know it’s wrong, you know it’s racist.

Please ask to take this thread down, it will do nothing but cause upset and offence. Which is has when I read it.

He's sooo racist ... and the denial is worrying..

Of course it's racist, of course it's wrong, of course he's a disgusting pig.

Should he be able to express his disgusting views in his own home that he (presumably) pays for? Well that's a slightly different question, isn't it?

You need to move out. You can't change him and your mum is clearly not bothered, so the only thing you can do is move out. That said, I would pull him up if he speaks like that in front of DD, which would probably means I'd have been kicked out long ago.

@Sanchez79

You know full well this is racist and deeply offensive OP so why repeat it here?

I thought exactly the same, I mean can get point across without repeating phrases in full - it made me curl my lip in disgust and recoil, so goodness knows how others reading it feel

Move out.
You know it's racist you didn't have to post the terms again.

Obviously it’s racist, no idea why you need anyone else’s opinion on it
Unfortunately it’s (presumably) his house and you can’t stop him using those terms.
Just try to move out ASAP

I know it's racist but he makes me feel as thought I'm picking on him.
Usually we stay away from eachother, we don't see much of eachother as he works alot, but the last couple of weeks he's not been needed at work as much.

My mum wants to leave him, she has been suffering with depression for a long time and is on medication. She tried to leave him a couple of years ago and he threatened to kill himself. She says she loves him but she's not in love with him anymore and she wants to split on good terms, but if she tries to get out he makes it difficult. In the house my mum is always in her room and he is always downstairs, they are never together and I know my mum is lonely if I'm not here and having DD around more has gave her something to keep her going. That's part of the reason we moved in (as well as being a great support for me in a difficult time) Not that this is an excuse for anything, but I know she wants to leave and I keep trying to tell her to get rid of him but she's scared.

I hate this man, and I miss my mum and how she used to be.

Who the fuck has voted YABU??

As a PP said, he may have been brought up with those terms being used but it 100% isn't acceptable any more thankfully. Does he work? Because I can guarantee if he used that language at work he'd be in big trouble. I bet he doesn't use it there though as he knows it's unacceptable really

He is clearly a racist

OP can you and your mum afford to get somewhere together away from him? I'd start planning that if you can. He's vile and she sounds desperately unhappy

@Quaagars

I'm really sorry for repeating them, I hate repeating them but he made out they were terms that weren't a "big deal" and I guess I just needed to clarify that they are as disgusting as I feel.

I'm really very sorry for offending anyone.