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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

This is racist, right?

122 replies

Nellytheele · 06/02/2021 12:12

I live with DM and her partner at the moment, was supposed to be moving out but covid and other circumstances happened but that's a whole other thread.

DM and partner have been together 19 years and I've never been that fond of him.
Anyway, we live in a block of flats and in the building we have a young Thai woman with her daughter, a black family next door and a Turkish family. All of them are lovely people. We all talk when we pass eachother and everyone is polite. If my mum's partner is talking about them in conversation, for example if he says he was talking to them today, he refers to them in these terms which I find disgusting. He has never referred to them as just the people/family/lady/man etc. He has to make some sort of derogatory comment. For example talking about the black family next door he has referred to them as [redacted by MNHQ] the Turkish family below he has referred to as [redacted by MNHQ] and the Thai woman and her daughter as [redacted by MNHQ] he has said many other variations of these terms but I never said anything to him because I didn't want to cause a problem. I have a DD who is almost 3 and she is repeating alot of what we say so I have started to make it clear that I don't like these terms and why. I have never been ok with them but I don't want DD to think this is ok. I know I can move out and we will, but surely telling him these things are wrong should stand whether I'm living here or not.

Today when he used this term I shook my head and rolled my eyes and my DM noticed, she told him to stop with those terms. He then took the dogs out and text my DM to say he feels that he can't say what he wants in his own house, and that he was brought up using these terms so there's nothing wrong with it and it's funny. He also told her that he has friends which he uses these terms with and they laugh it off and they call him "whitey or vanilla" back. So that's makes it ok.

AIBU to say that this is wrong? Even if he does use these terms with his friends, that doesn't mean that's ok to use them for everyone but he disagrees. He says he's not racist but I disagree. I have never heard him talk about someone who isn't white without using something derogatory.

Tell me if I am wrong, because I'm living with them (even though it's my mum's house not his) should I keep my mouth shut?

[Post edited by MNHQ to remove offensive terms]

OP posts:

CryMeAnAquifer · 06/02/2021 13:54

Who is voting YABU?! 😰

FelicityMingington · 06/02/2021 13:55

We seem quite happy on Mumsnet to bandy the word cunt around, and I've seen threads on whether it's an offensive word. I think it clearly is massively so, I'd never use it ordinarily, but I can't see how you can talk about words without being clear what words your using. If anyone is less offended by f*ck then fuck I'm afraid the problem lies with them!

babbaloushka · 06/02/2021 14:00

I can imagine the word he used for the black family but not the others. Obviously he is racist. Would look for ways your mum can safely leave him, him threatening to kill himself if she leaves is coercive control and abuse. Can women's refuge help in situations like these?

Sanchez79 · 06/02/2021 14:25

Listen, some of us saw the original text, those of you who didn't need to trust us that there was absolutely no room for doubt, no grey areas, no ifs or buts, it was extreme very explicit racism.

Quaagars · 06/02/2021 14:27

@FelicityMingington

This thread is rendered pointless with the insults "redacted by Mumsnet HQ". How can we tell? How can we possibly have a grown-up discussion about racist terminology if we can't use the racist terminology?

Surely the fact they've gone tells you all you need to know whether they were or not?! I saw them, there was no doubt they were. So why can't people give advice to OP on how to deal with having to live with a racist who is around her child too?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/02/2021 14:39

Who is voting YABU?!

Perhaps some feel OP's misguided in not having challenged him enough?
Or even for continuing to live there at all?

As a PP said, it's been 19 years, the DM knows perfectly well what her partner's like, and the "wanting to leave" is most likely just words which will never come to anything
So surely the only sensible course is for OP to get the hell out of there and remove DD from this toxicity

AStudyinPink · 06/02/2021 15:05

How can we possibly have a grown-up discussion about racist terminology if we can't use the racist terminology?

We can’t. We’re left with “MN wouldn’t redact it if it wasn’t racist”. (I saw the original terms and it was.)

strawberriesontheNeva · 06/02/2021 15:06

@YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet

Hello there. We appreciate why some are questioning the logic of redacting the words but leaving the thread to stand. It was established pretty much straight away that the words were racist. Several people contacted us to ask that we either warn people of the words in the thread or take it down. We think that the OP could still use the advice and support of how to deal with the situation and so we chose to hide the words.

We're mindful that many MNers will have been called the words in the OP, and that seeing them here could be extremely distressing. FWIW, we will frequently star out or redact offensive terminology for this reason.

I think it's a surprise to some people that this thread is still up but for example mnhq have recently deleted a thread where the op was talking about banning eating meat.

strawberriesontheNeva · 06/02/2021 15:07

@Whalespeak

Worrying that at least 15 people voted to say yabu

Probably my because the post has been edited so we don't actually know what these racist words were?

LindaCartersBun · 06/02/2021 15:10

The thing about these sorts of racists are that they are complete shitters. He probably wouldn’t use those terms to the neighbours’ faces. Why not if they’re so harmless? Because he knows they’re not - they’re horrible and morally wrong.

But he happily uses them behind closed doors, where he is safe in his nasty little racism and the only person to challenge him is a stepdaughter worried about her little kid. Coward. Bet he’s a raging misogynist, too.

From my experience, this sort of racist doesn’t change and the only option is to distance yourself from him and for goodness sake get your child away from him.

TheCrowening · 06/02/2021 15:19

So the answer to the question is: Yes that's fucking racist. No it's not ok. And to the partner: It's not your house, mate. Sling your hook.

It is his house though.

OP you really need to leave as soon as possible. I’d advise you to get some housing advice. You can’t bring up your child around this behaviour, and you absolutely do need to call it out.

BeanieB2020 · 06/02/2021 15:30

Can we please not say people are complicit in racism just because they are living with a racist or not actively confronting the racism. Being in a difficult living situation with no easy/safe/financially viable way to find other accommodation doesn't make a person complicit in racism and neither does not confronting racism when doing so could leave the person in a potentially unsafe environment (violence, being thrown out and made homeless etc.). OP clearly isn't racist and it's unfair to jump on her and call her complicit because of her situation. Guilt by association is illogical.

MintyMabel · 06/02/2021 15:49

I think this softly approach might get through to him and not effect the dynamics in your home too much. If you call him racists, as you suspect he is, this might create more issues for you, your mother and DD.

Absolutely useless advice. You don’t know the guy and have no idea what he responds to. I’ve never seen someone who happily uses obviously offensive language step back after a quiet chat and stop using that language. She asked him not to and his response wasn’t “I don’t know what I said wrong” it was “I can’t speak freely in my own home” That’s not someone who cares about what he said.

You can tell by the posts from people who saw the comments. Entirely possible to discuss the issues raised in the thread without repeating the words.

Piglet89 · 06/02/2021 15:53

@YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet and yet MNHQ repeatedly has to be reminded that terms like “Having a paddy” (which I’ve seen more than a dozen times on here) are anti-Irish.

MintyMabel · 06/02/2021 15:53

Being in a difficult living situation with no easy/safe/financially viable way to find other accommodation doesn't make a person complicit in racism and neither does not confronting racism when doing so could leave the person in a potentially unsafe environment

DM’s been with him 19 years. She had the chance to not accept being with a racist.

Oldraver · 06/02/2021 16:04

My Mum is exactly the same and has recently started using phrases I have never heard her use, so the 'we've always used this word' doesn't wash

I shut her down and say it's not acceptable and also when she starts in the "oh you can't say anything nowadays "

They know it's not acceptable they really do, it's just they get away with it they will continue

Emeraldshamrock · 06/02/2021 16:19

"oh you can't say anything nowadays " I hate that attitude too.
I can't understand why the hell they'd want to say vile awful things about another human being based on the culture or colour of their skin it shows them up as stupid.

ktp100 · 06/02/2021 19:04

Of course it's racist. Of course it's wrong.

The real issue here though is your daughter. She will pick it up and she weill repeat it. This could get her in big trouble at nursery/school or even physically attacked if she comes out with something that outrageous!

He sounds like an absolute twat. Everyone knows swearing in front of kids isn't OK, nevermind this!!

Is he stuck in the 70's or something?

Quaagars · 06/02/2021 19:31

Yes, I think the living with him with your small child is the most worrying thing.
You'll never change a true racist's view, as they don't realise what they're doing or think it's just a joke or whatever
Subjecting her to him day in, day out, she'll no doubt start picking up words or thinking it's OK.
I know it's hard to challenge someone in RL so don't blame you there but I really would want to not be around this.

Tal45 · 06/02/2021 19:46

I think you need to talk to your mum, you say it's her flat so could you suggest she gives him a month to find somewhere else and that he then has to leave, if he refuses call the police to have him removed. Keep evidence that you have given him reasonable notice to leave (although you might not need this it might help). It sounds like he has no claim on the flat except being there a long time.

Quaagars · 06/02/2021 21:09

How does that work though if it's not OP's house?!
She's merely staying there from what I can gather.
If her mum is there 19 years later, must mean she's put up with his views all this time, she won't suddenly change them.
She's either on board and thinks his views are abhorrent or she doesn't.

Livelovebehappy · 06/02/2021 22:14

Let’s be honest, this is who he is. This is who ops dm is with, and has been for 19 years. The reality is that he will not change, and neither will ops dm leave the situation. Therefore the only option is for the OP to leave and take her daughter with her. Stay at another family members home, or a friend, until she sorts out her own accommodation. As far as I can see that’s the only option. Calling him out on it, and ranting at her mum will not change anything. This is who they are.

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