This is racist, right?

[Nellytheele]

I live with DM and her partner at the moment, was supposed to be moving out but covid and other circumstances happened but that's a whole other thread.

DM and partner have been together 19 years and I've never been that fond of him.
Anyway, we live in a block of flats and in the building we have a young Thai woman with her daughter, a black family next door and a Turkish family. All of them are lovely people. We all talk when we pass eachother and everyone is polite. If my mum's partner is talking about them in conversation, for example if he says he was talking to them today, he refers to them in these terms which I find disgusting. He has never referred to them as just the people/family/lady/man etc. He has to make some sort of derogatory comment. For example talking about the black family next door he has referred to them as [redacted by MNHQ] the Turkish family below he has referred to as [redacted by MNHQ] and the Thai woman and her daughter as [redacted by MNHQ] he has said many other variations of these terms but I never said anything to him because I didn't want to cause a problem. I have a DD who is almost 3 and she is repeating alot of what we say so I have started to make it clear that I don't like these terms and why. I have never been ok with them but I don't want DD to think this is ok. I know I can move out and we will, but surely telling him these things are wrong should stand whether I'm living here or not.

Today when he used this term I shook my head and rolled my eyes and my DM noticed, she told him to stop with those terms. He then took the dogs out and text my DM to say he feels that he can't say what he wants in his own house, and that he was brought up using these terms so there's nothing wrong with it and it's funny. He also told her that he has friends which he uses these terms with and they laugh it off and they call him "whitey or vanilla" back. So that's makes it ok.

AIBU to say that this is wrong? Even if he does use these terms with his friends, that doesn't mean that's ok to use them for everyone but he disagrees. He says he's not racist but I disagree. I have never heard him talk about someone who isn't white without using something derogatory.

Tell me if I am wrong, because I'm living with them (even though it's my mum's house not his) should I keep my mouth shut?

[Post edited by MNHQ to remove offensive terms]

FFS, just clocked the poll - who the fuck thinks those terms aren't racist?!

I would never accept a relative or anyone easing these terms in front of my children.
My dad once referred to a Jewish man in a derogatory way and I went crazy and said I'd never bring my child in front of him again.
Hes never done it again.

If you know it's racist may I suggest you ask for your post to be removed and rephrase it. You might get more helpful responses.

She tried to leave him a couple of years ago and he threatened to kill himself.

This is what I call a win-win situation

If anyone used such disgusting terms around me I'd do more than pick on them. I'm not a violent person but I'm not sure I could restrain myself around this vile man.

[quote Nellytheele]@Quaagars

I'm really sorry for repeating them, I hate repeating them but he made out they were terms that weren't a "big deal" and I guess I just needed to clarify that they are as disgusting as I feel.

I'm really very sorry for offending anyone.[/quote]
Think you've got your answer on here going by the comments, it's definitely him, and they are a big deal whatever he says.

Move out with your mum?

It's possible the people who voted YABU did it because their eyes rolled right out of their head at the question in the thread title?

@OverTheRainbow88
@TinyCake

How do I get them to take it down.

I'm really sorry I was just so angry to the point I was almost crying and didn't think. I really never meant to offend anyone

for repeating racist terms. As pp have said you know full well they are offensive.

[quote Nellytheele]@OverTheRainbow88
@TinyCake

How do I get them to take it down.

I'm really sorry I was just so angry to the point I was almost crying and didn't think. I really never meant to offend anyone[/quote]

If possible I'd be trying to move out if it was me.

He sound absolutely vile.
To think that your dd is present when he spouts this racist bile.
Absolute disgraceful

he is wrong in labelling your neighbours with those names but in his own house rightly or wrongly he can say and do as he pleases, you cant tell someone else what to do in their own homes, you are accepting its ok by staying under his roof

Save up move out, offer your mum a room at your place if you claim she wants to leave, get yourselves out of this racist mans life but you cant stop him doing what he wants in a house he pays for.. leave him to it... on his own..

If you click next to your post theres the option to report it. You could just ask mumsnet to take the words out.

Of course its racist. It also shows his nasty side.

Is he Jim Davidson?

Its so racist id smash the teeth out of his reeking mouth.

You have to ask if 'the monkeys' is racist?

@Nellytheele I'm sorry if I came across a bit angry. Those words trigger me a bit. If you click on your post you can report it and ask them to edit your post to remove the terms.

I'm so sorry you are in this tricky situation.

Maybe people could stop having a go at the OP for putting in the full information? We all know if she hadn’t, the answers would be very different (“Well it depends what he said.”).

Obviously the OP doesn’t favour these terms.

@isitsummertimeyet didn’t take to long for someone lie you to come along.

OP it’s racist you obviously know that, now what are you going to do about it as obviously your child shouldn’t be brought up in that environment.

I say "trigger me a bit" I mean they make me livid. So I can only imagine how hard it must be living with it.

19 years together and he's just started this now?? Doubt it

He’s disgusting, I wouldn’t want my child anywhere near him. You need to move out

It is racist. If it wasn’t he would be using those terms when speaking to them - but he won’t because he knows it’s wrong.

I have reported the post. I'm really sorry o honestly wasn't thinking and i totally accept that it was stupid of me to repeat the words.
When I'm angry I don't think things through as much as I should.

Sorry to anyone who I have offended or caused any pain with the words I typed.

@TinyCake don't be sorry, I totally understand. I wasn't thinking . I hope you are ok x

It’s a difficult situation for you OP.

I agree that the language he uses is racist but if I were in your position my tact would be have a chat with him
highlighting that we live in a very different world now and terms that were ‘deemed acceptable’ in the past are totally wrong to use now and explain to him that you don’t want your DD to pick up and repeat these words. Hopefully , as you are not accusing him of being racist he might take it on board and stop using these terms in front of your DD.

I think this softly approach might get through to him and not effect the dynamics in your home too much. If you call him racists, as you suspect he is, this might create more issues for you, your mother and DD.

However even if he does change his language , if he truly has racist views these will be hard to hide from your DD as she gets older so getting your own place should be a top priority.

Yes it's racist and irresponsible to say these things around a young child even if he normally says this kind of thing to other people. But it's his house, so other than asking him to stop or moving out, you can't do anything.