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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

This is racist, right?

122 replies

Nellytheele · 06/02/2021 12:12

I live with DM and her partner at the moment, was supposed to be moving out but covid and other circumstances happened but that's a whole other thread.

DM and partner have been together 19 years and I've never been that fond of him.
Anyway, we live in a block of flats and in the building we have a young Thai woman with her daughter, a black family next door and a Turkish family. All of them are lovely people. We all talk when we pass eachother and everyone is polite. If my mum's partner is talking about them in conversation, for example if he says he was talking to them today, he refers to them in these terms which I find disgusting. He has never referred to them as just the people/family/lady/man etc. He has to make some sort of derogatory comment. For example talking about the black family next door he has referred to them as [redacted by MNHQ] the Turkish family below he has referred to as [redacted by MNHQ] and the Thai woman and her daughter as [redacted by MNHQ] he has said many other variations of these terms but I never said anything to him because I didn't want to cause a problem. I have a DD who is almost 3 and she is repeating alot of what we say so I have started to make it clear that I don't like these terms and why. I have never been ok with them but I don't want DD to think this is ok. I know I can move out and we will, but surely telling him these things are wrong should stand whether I'm living here or not.

Today when he used this term I shook my head and rolled my eyes and my DM noticed, she told him to stop with those terms. He then took the dogs out and text my DM to say he feels that he can't say what he wants in his own house, and that he was brought up using these terms so there's nothing wrong with it and it's funny. He also told her that he has friends which he uses these terms with and they laugh it off and they call him "whitey or vanilla" back. So that's makes it ok.

AIBU to say that this is wrong? Even if he does use these terms with his friends, that doesn't mean that's ok to use them for everyone but he disagrees. He says he's not racist but I disagree. I have never heard him talk about someone who isn't white without using something derogatory.

Tell me if I am wrong, because I'm living with them (even though it's my mum's house not his) should I keep my mouth shut?

[Post edited by MNHQ to remove offensive terms]

OP posts:

Whalespeak · 06/02/2021 13:21

Its also worth pointing out that names his friends might find acceptable aren't meant for wider use.

Lots of the times people in a bantering culture, or amongst close friends mean names might be called but its not acceptable for strangers. Eg. I have friends that might call me a name that's more widely offensive, but I wouldn't accept a randomer calling me it.

Your dad might have a friend called fat dave, who wouldn't like a shop keeper saying excuse me fatty.

He is a grown man and should understand that

ResIpsaLoquiturInterAlia · 06/02/2021 13:21

Not sure what the original poster redacted by MNHQ words are but assuming it is racist and illegal.

I would like to make the point that yes this is evidently criminally racist as both humanity and criminal laws have evolved over time.

Arguably humanity recognition and respect has evolved exponentially that many new rights and identities (gender fluidity and sexual politics in particular etc) are now protected from discrimination laws.

In addition my message to all the old school racist (closet or relaxed open pre legislation style) - although two wrongs never make a right but hypothetically what if a person of another race is racist towards you? Racism/discrimination can as a concept includes all viewpoints. Reckless self righteous small mindset springs to mind!

And finally are racist only against the person of another race or also have discriminatory hatred towards any products made by other peoples etc. We do after all live is a global village as movement of peoples, goods and ideals flow without borders. Just some thoughts as racism was supposedly so last millennium as wrongs of the past are behind us!

Whalespeak · 06/02/2021 13:22

Worrying that at least 15 people voted to say yabu

TheNorthWind · 06/02/2021 13:26

I have to agree @mnhq - if the post had been written in the way that the mother's partner no doubt speaks, then redacting/deleting the thread would have been appropriate. But when the OP is already saying X word, Y word, Z word aren't ok, it's odd and makes it harder to respond.

I'm not saying it's ok to use them, but the op isn't doing that. She's describing somebody else's (reprehensible) behaviour. It's kind of like taking down references to some other kind of abuse. It doesn't stop it. It just hides it.

I didn't see the exact terms used, although I can make a guess. And there are people who use them completely innocently. Posts like this, baldly saying "This isn't ok" might have reached those people and done some good. Now they won't.

TableFlowerss · 06/02/2021 13:26

Not sure why you need to post on here to ask if the terms are racist? No one is going to say YBU are they. The very fact we can’t see the terms now, clearly indicates they’re racist

He’s a dick clearly

WorraLiberty · 06/02/2021 13:28

@Whalespeak

Worrying that at least 15 people voted to say yabu

They probably voted 'YABU' that the OP was asking such a ridiculous question, as they would've seen the extremely obvious in your face absolutely no doubt in the world, racist words that were redacted.

Catwoman123 · 06/02/2021 13:28

I think you'll realise the enormity of what he says when you hear those words come out of your little girls mouth

TableFlowerss · 06/02/2021 13:29

And of course he shouldn’t be using disgusting language to describe anyone in front of your DC. Move out ASAP

DioneTheDiabolist · 06/02/2021 13:29

Can you get hold of an old manual typewriter OP? If so, drop it on his face while he's sleeping. It wont cure his racism, but it may help in getting him to fuck off out of your mum's house.

You may need to do it a couple of times, but manual typewriters are hardy and up to it.

WorraLiberty · 06/02/2021 13:30

I didn't see the exact terms used, although I can make a guess. And there are people who use them completely innocently. Posts like this, baldly saying "This isn't ok" might have reached those people and done some good. Now they won't.

You've made a very wrong guess.

There was absolutely no room for doubt that the words/phrases used were utterly racist.

That's why it was a really stupid question in the thread title.

The OP would've been better off asking "How can I help my mum leave her racist partner?"

Quaagars · 06/02/2021 13:30

The words were racist. The OP is looking for advice on what to do about living with a racist

This - why do we need to see the words?
They were extremely racist, the OP wants advice on living with a racist - can do that without potentially hurting someone, and someone could quite easily have been.

Boardeduplife · 06/02/2021 13:32

People like this always need pulling up for being racist. Not sure why you had to repeat the same words though. I’m sure we would have got the drift.

Quaagars · 06/02/2021 13:33

there are people who use them completely innocently

Not those in the OP - they were without a doubt racist derogatory terms, there is no way you'd just accidentally come out with them!

Mittens030869 · 06/02/2021 13:35

It’s clear that this man is a vile racist, but it’s also clear that he’s an abuser. The OP is obviously very worried about her mum, which is making it hard for her to move out.

However, you know that your DD is starting to copy his language, OP. So, for her sake, you need to move her away from this environment. You can still support your mum without living there.

RedskyBynight · 06/02/2021 13:35

OP is being U in that she's not said anything to him. So implicitly suggesting that she condones that behaviour.

HypocrisyDoubleStandardsMess · 06/02/2021 13:38

Interesting people having a go at OP for staying in the house but the mum who is married to the man for 19years gets a "get her out of the house", "remove your mum" like she is some sort of invalid or helpless victim. Typical.

Well, I'll go against the grain here then and say OP your mum's partner and your mum are racists. Your mum's partner is the more vocal one and your mum isn't bothered because it doesn't affect her, which is typical of women who stay with men like this (See: Melania Trump everyone is adamant to paint as a victim and helpless damsel).

If she wants to leave him, I'll bet it isn't because he's saying racist things to or about people she has no attachment to. It's likely because he has other qualities that's making her miserable (in other words, affecting her).

As for deleting racist words, I have no idea what was said so I can only judge by other people's reaction and you saying that he uses racist description for people. It's one thing to say it when you don't realise what it means, it's another thing to insist on using it after you've been told.

But I don't think people should be having a go at you for putting the words there when that was the point of your post. You were not calling anyone those words. If they didn't see it, there would be many people asking what exactly was said in order to react appropriately. Different words would have different levels of reaction, though none are okay.

peak2021 · 06/02/2021 13:38

Seek a way to leave as soon as possible, preferably with your mum as well.

WorraLiberty · 06/02/2021 13:39

I have to agree that the mum definitely has racist 'leanings' to put it mildly, if she's lived with this man for 19 years.

Cheeseandwin5 · 06/02/2021 13:40

I dont think, this is about if he is being racist or not. He obviously is using language that is and to be honest if you allow him to than you are being accessories to it. You should confront him , if not to change his behaviour but then to make him understand you dont find it acceptable.
It seems you are not intimidated by him so dont let him get away with it.
One thing though, do you think he make have some mental problems that has caused his.

WorraLiberty · 06/02/2021 13:41

People are having a go because what the OP did was the equivalent of pointing to a red pen and asking if it was a red pen.

That's how blindingly obvious the question was.

MNHQ

YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet · 06/02/2021 13:47

Hello there. We appreciate why some are questioning the logic of redacting the words but leaving the thread to stand. It was established pretty much straight away that the words were racist. Several people contacted us to ask that we either warn people of the words in the thread or take it down. We think that the OP could still use the advice and support of how to deal with the situation and so we chose to hide the words.

We're mindful that many MNers will have been called the words in the OP, and that seeing them here could be extremely distressing. FWIW, we will frequently star out or redact offensive terminology for this reason.

CharlotteRose90 · 06/02/2021 13:48

Not read the words but if they’ve been removed it’s definitely racist. People like him never change and it’s sickening. My family have dealt with racism for years and i think it’s disgusting. I know you live with him but honestly I wouldn’t speak to him. He is right that he can say what he wants in his own home but you don’t have to listen to it. One day karma will bite his arse and the next person he calls will beat him up. I don’t condone violence but there’s only so many times you can hear go back to your own country or being called for what country your from.

Shetoshe · 06/02/2021 13:48

That's a difficult one. I didn't see the words but I can imagine. I know people like this too and there's really no point trying to get them to see. They don't want to. Most likely the type to passive aggressively use even more derogatory words now that he knows it riles you.

The only thing you can do is avoid him as much as possible in the house so your DD has very little exposure to such words and get out of there as fast as you can.

FelicityMingington · 06/02/2021 13:50

This thread is rendered pointless with the insults "redacted by Mumsnet HQ". How can we tell? How can we possibly have a grown-up discussion about racist terminology if we can't use the racist terminology?

TheNorthWind · 06/02/2021 13:51

@WorraLiberty

You've made a very wrong guess.

There was absolutely no room for doubt that the words/phrases used were utterly racist.

That's why it was a really stupid question in the thread title.

The OP would've been better off asking "How can I help my mum leave her racist partner?"

Ok, fair enough! That's the problem with not knowing what they were. But I really don't enjoy vile racist terms either. Thank you for explaining where they were on the scale of bad.

So the answer to the question is: Yes that's fucking racist. No it's not ok. And to the partner: It's not your house, mate. Sling your hook.

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