To ask if you have a child who identifies as trans or expresses disconnect between their gender and sex?

[Scroremanga]

I remember a post which asked how many people on mumsnet felt a disconnect between their gender and sex. Out of 1000 respondents, 10 per cent said they did.

How about people are aware their child or children feel that their gender and sex are disconnected?

Yabu-I am pretty sure my child feels aligned with their sex and gender

Yanbu - my child expresses that they are do not feel

It would also be helpful whether to know whether ds or dd thats experiencing this

Thanks

I'd feel awful if my DC came to me and said they didn't identify with their gender. I don't want them spending time contemplating that kind of thing, I just want them to be out there being them, doing great things, not worrying about which set of stereotypes they fit.

Gosh are some parents hone educating thier chikdren and not letting them mix with others?

Or are thier children still young?

Tied to the apron strings?

Because most children will define themselves by thier peers not their parents , it's called growing up

You may provide a gender neutral environment ( as much as anyone can) but it's what goes on outside of your control that you seem to think will have no influence
Parents shape the older child ( adult) but a healthy teen may well ignore your values

I have brought my kids up with no gender stereotypes, and in a household where we talk about everything and where feminism is strong.
We have had long conversations about gender as imposed by society and not innnate.

Despite that according to some of you, I have obviously failed as a parent.

I have 1 dd who identifies as non binary. In the old days she would have been called tomboy. She (sorry 'they' although I don't use it) dresses in a 'masculine' style etc etc. She is gay, and 15

I have a second dd who is on the spectrum and very intelligent, struggles to fit in, struggles with friendships and has decided she is trans. I think that this is a phase, for many reasons that I won't go into. She is only 13 .

With both, I am not sure this is the end of the story. Fortunately they do talk to me.

Children follow their peer groups so you can bring a child up however you like but if they spend too much time on the internet they will start believing things about themselves that aren’t true.

No plans or wishes to be male, but females apparently get a "bad deal" so they don't want to be either.

This is my problem with gender. Yes, it's fucking shit. You can deal with it by fighting against gender, or you can claim "I'm not like other girls" and be non binary. I wish everyone who felt that gender means we get a raw deal would help try to dismantle it, rather than reinforcing it by declaring non-binary and therefore all other females who aren't non-binary must be absolutely a ok fine with being stereotyped and pigeonholed.

I know this is often not what people intend, they are dealing with things their own way, but it's the result.

Sadly a lot of these natal females will realise that post puberty, the world will see them and treat them as a woman no matter how they identify.

mobile.twitter.com/thejeffreymarsh/status/1209484951084847104

Jeffrey Marsh has interesting things to say about family

This idea that people are trans because they grew up believing in gender stereotypes is a bizarre one, I think. I have several trans friends, the majority of whom are transmen who identified as lesbians before they transitioned. They were not in any way leading the life of a gender stereotype, several of them identified as butch prior to transitioning. I really don't think they then made the decision to transition because they felt they could only behave in a particular way/do particular things if they identified as a man. They are all people who have always been very critical of gender stereotypes, they are all feminists and yet they all felt a very profound and deep need to transition. I haven't had that experience so I don't know what that feels like.

@steppemum the point is though, that your daughter is completely normal, she doesn’t need to conform to gender stereotypes, take drugs, or have surgery to change her - all of which have massive side effects, some of which are irreversible.

@WhoEatsPopTarts

My children don’t feel a disconnect between their sex and gender because they’ve been brought up in a home that doesn’t reinforce gender stereotypes.

The sheer arrogance of this!

Do you seriously think, @WhoEatsPopTarts, that all parents of trans teens brought them up as some kind of fifties throwback stereotype

FancyAnOlive

That's really interesting. I think I don't get it because I have never felt it, but also because I have never felt that I am a woman. I am a woman by virtue of my genitals, it isn't something I feel, it is something I am. Like blue eyes or being white. I find it hard to grasp that some people feel their sex (or don't).

I can't answer this as we have a more modern understanding of gender than is required to answer this question - which seems to harp back to kind of 1950's ideas re: gender? My kids are just themselves and can do what they want, wear what they want without having to feel the need to find into little tight boxes

@Updatemate

Completely agree with this sentiment. I am a woman as I have women's bits. Being a woman means nothing more than that and gender is not (well maybe was not when I grew up) anything you self identify as any more than being brown eyed is. I can't actually find a meaningful modern definition of gender, just very old-fashioned ones.

BTW I am not suggesting that those people who have kids who do identify as trans are doing anything wrong. I think society is doing things wrong not individual families.

Kids have a biological sex and all the rest is personality. Gender - a set of useless stereotypes - should not get a look in.

My children don't have a gender.

I have 2 boys and 2 girls.
My youngest son I suspect is gay. We have recently had conversations around sexuality prompted by him and I have long since suspected it. I am sure once he is ready he will explore his sexuality further and "come out" if he chooses to.

I am reading on here response after response saying

'I taught my son it was OK to play with dolls, and my dds that they could play with cars, so my kids have no questions about their sex as they recognise gender is a social construct'

Which does completely fails to realise, that, even if you have done that, some of our kids are coming home and saying I am non-binary. Or I am trans.

As their mothers we may think AHHH that is nonsense.
But at the same time we have to face our kids, and help them to negotiate what they are feeling, and I can tell you, saying to them It's nonsense, or No your not, really really doesn't cut it.

@steppemum

I am reading on here response after response saying

'I taught my son it was OK to play with dolls, and my dds that they could play with cars, so my kids have no questions about their sex as they recognise gender is a social construct'

Which does completely fails to realise, that, even if you have done that, some of our kids are coming home and saying I am non-binary. Or I am trans.

As their mothers we may think AHHH that is nonsense.
But at the same time we have to face our kids, and help them to negotiate what they are feeling, and I can tell you, saying to them It's nonsense, or No your not, really really doesn't cut it.

Well said.

But still, what do we mothers of trans kids know? As we obviously didn't bring them up well enough to "know who they are"

@ChazP

I assume you’re a journalist, phishing for a story. I’m not voting or responding.

Hahaha but you did?!!!

But still, what do we mothers of trans kids know? As we obviously didn't bring them up well enough to "know who they are"

But obviously you did. Because they know they aren't what they were born and are secure enough to say so.

I don't understand how you can not feel (or feel) something which I consider to be something you just "are", no feelings involved, but clearly some people do.

I dont think its anything to do with how you brought them up and more to do with outside influences.

As long as you have an honest relationship with your children then there is not much more you can do.
Yes you will support them to express who they are and protect them from harm but that doesn't mean you will deny reality.
Would you agree your child was Henry VIII just because they said they were?
As the adult and parent we need to guide our children. Not dictate or order but show them the bigger picture and help them see the world does not revolve around them which is a sentence I find myself constantly saying at the moment to my teenagers!

I dont think its anything to do with how you brought them up and more to do with outside influences.

absolutely- teens react against their parents- no matter how cool you are- your teen will be certain you are wrong.

[quote underneaththeash]@steppemum the point is though, that your daughter is completely normal, she doesn’t need to conform to gender stereotypes, take drugs, or have surgery to change her - all of which have massive side effects, some of which are irreversible.[/quote]
Gosh really? Wow I never thought of that. You know, maybe having 2 dds who identify as trans/non binary I shoudl do some reading up about it

The point is, which all you right on feminist seem incapable of understanding, is that our dds are completely sold on this. That if we want to change them, we have to meet them where they are and try and understand what is going on FOR THEM, and LISTEN to where they are.
I come on here and rant. But ranting to them is spectacularly unhelpful. When did any teenager ever listen to their parents rant?