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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How often do married couples really have sex??

393 replies

PlsSendWine · 04/02/2021 18:17

My husband has always wanted a lot of sex. We’ve been together 12 years, married 7 and have 2 older children (mine) and two younger ones (ours).
I’m tired, all the time! I have some health issues which cause chronic fatigue and lots of muscle and joint pains but I still work part time, deal with the house and kids and try to carry on with life as best I can, like we all do.
But he wants sex++, everyday if I’d do it! I’ve tried to give him more and recently we’ve been ‘doing things’ at least twice a week if not more. I’m exhausted and in more pain than I’ve ever been. I don’t really enjoy it anymore, he’s very big (10 stone heavier than when we met!) I just don’t feel attracted to him. But if I say no (usually he’ll text me from work or somewhere else in the house to tell me he wants it that night or even sooner) he repeatedly asks and then gets annoyed then gets moody and arsey with me, sometimes for days, until I eventually give in. In between that time, before I give in, we’ll argue about everything and sometimes I end up saying really mean things just to get him to leave me alone... I hate the person I become. His version of arguing is shouting and swearing even in front of the kids and I hate it! He says I’m never affectionate to him and he feels unloved but if I do so much as give him a hug he takes it as a come-on and won’t leave me alone. He acts as if I should be pleased he finds me so attractive, maybe I’m just being selfish.

So I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable not to have sex with him more. We have gone through patches where we don’t for a week or two and he carries on and on about it, but to be honest I just don’t want it anymore. Recently I’ve made a huge effort, yet I said no the other day because frankly I’m in too much pain all over and it’s been arguments ever since. I’m so miserable.

If you've found this page in your search of affordable sex toys and essentials that have been recommended by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best cheap sex toys useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

OP posts:
Marinaloves · 04/02/2021 20:36

If the op shows her H this thread all he would do is pick out the people who say (lie) they have sex everyday. Not helpful

Original poster
PlsSendWine · 04/02/2021 20:37

You are right x

OP posts:
TellySavalashairbrush · 04/02/2021 20:37

This thread is the opposite of the ‘what I have eaten today’ thread but with the same intentions:
Food- salad and 2 grapes
Sex- at least 10 times a week (well we do have kids) GrinGrin

notalwaysalondoner · 04/02/2021 20:38

I think I read from anonymous surveys where people are actually honest it’s 1-2 times per week average. That’s what DH and I do too, although TTC for more than a year and now being pregnant have reduced my interest, plus DH is a bit repetitive in bed if I’m honest... I’m glad our sex drives are evenly matched though, I can’t imagine being with someone who wanted to do it every day!

Original poster
PlsSendWine · 04/02/2021 20:38

With four children it’s just not that simple to up and leave. And I would never, ever leave them! But the problem is, neither would he.

OP posts:
Emeraldshamrock · 04/02/2021 20:39

It is awful sometimes it makes me sad then I see women trapped by a mortgage don't let it trap you.
If you stand up to him he'll sulk but keeping the peace isn't a fix either you shouldn't have to live with it, let him sulk I'd tell him you need a break from the marriage while living together it will take the pressure off you, draw a line on the sheets if necessary I suspect he'll be nasty about it and you'll know you need to leave permanently, I'd sell and live in a bedsit with the kids you'd be happier.

kennycat · 04/02/2021 20:39

Once a week, sometimes less. I have no interest in it whatsoever! I kind of like it when we do it but could easily never do it again. It's no sleight on my DH but I'm just a bit asexual I think! Maybe that's to do with PCOS if that's even a symptom.

Marinaloves · 04/02/2021 20:39

@PlsSendWine
Without bringing the children into it. Do you want to stay with him

Quartz2208 · 04/02/2021 20:40

@PlsSendWine

I’m not defending him at all, I think I’ve been desensitised over the years without knowing it now I’m reading all these posts... are all parents who shout at a partner and swear in front of their children abusive? Don’t lots of people shout sometimes? I don’t shout, but his family seem to see this as normal.
Yes you have been desensitised - all of your posts show just how long you have been treading on eggshells and walking around him

Do you want to ever have sex with him again - it sounds like you dont?

sabrinathemiddleagewitch · 04/02/2021 20:40

You need to stop sleeping with him until he goes to counselling with you.

Air this all out with a logical person in the middle who will tell him he is in the wrong.

and to answer your question we have sex twice a week

HeidiHaughton · 04/02/2021 20:40

Shouting at the kids is a very rare occurrence in this house.
My husband has never sworn at me or the kids and vice versa. We just don't use those words as every day language.

Original poster
PlsSendWine · 04/02/2021 20:43

@partyatthepalace

OP this is awful, what’s the matter with him, doesn’t he realise you have health conditions, plus your own needs and priorities as an individual.

You should not put up with being treated like this. I know it’s hard when you’re tired and worn down, but I really would sit down with him and point out he is behaving like a sex pest/totally inconsiderate person and it stops now. I also think you need to be clear with him re weight loss. Maybe a months break from the physical would be good, then you can decide what the new framework is.

Don’t put up with this op it is abusive.

This is good advice thank you. I’ve tried it all at different times and we always end up back here.
OP posts:
Updatemate · 04/02/2021 20:43

Virtually never. Done it 3 times in last month but before that it was probably 3 months. We've gone 6 before now. I can take it or leave it. DH would have sex every day if I was up for it. But I'm not. And he's fine with that. We still kiss and hug and hold hands.

Your husband sounds awful!

Bagelsandbrie · 04/02/2021 20:43

I felt sad reading your book post. I have a lot of autoimmune conditions and there is no way I could put up with someone like your dh. It’s one of the reasons I left my now ex Dh. When you’re already in a lot of pain and discomfort the thought of being physical with someone else feels like such an invasion.

CatherinedeBourgh · 04/02/2021 20:43

@PlsSendWine

I’m not defending him at all, I think I’ve been desensitised over the years without knowing it now I’m reading all these posts... are all parents who shout at a partner and swear in front of their children abusive? Don’t lots of people shout sometimes? I don’t shout, but his family seem to see this as normal.
Regardless of shouting or not, sexual harassment is never OK.

Ever.

fantasmasgoria1 · 04/02/2021 20:43

Depending on how tired he is due to work, my pain levels etc. It could be 4 times a week it could be 2! When I have my period we don't because I'm too heavy. It's more during the spring summer I have noticed! Your husband is expecting way too much and I would outright inform him that he is being a sex pest. Also I would be upfront about not finding him attractive anymore.

Still1nLove · 04/02/2021 20:44

My exh and I used to have sex about once every 2-3 weeks.

Your dh doesn’t accept when you don’t want sex and become argumentative when you refuse and pesters you until you give in, that’s sexual abuse

He won’t listen when you tell him you’re in pain...that’s abuse

There are so many red flags here I can’t even list them all.

You may love him but he’s not a good husband, he’s an abusive, manipulative, coercive bastard.

He’s not even a good dad if he treats the mother of his kids like this and shouts at you in front of them.

Do research on coercive control and contact domestic abuse charities to talk so someone about this. I fear that you are so involved and conditioned that you don’t realise what is happening to you. How would you feel if your daughter was going through this?

jgb129 · 04/02/2021 20:44

We aren’t married but been together a long time. We have it maybe once every week sometimes it might be once every 2 weeks! Due to his hours and us both being shattered there’s no time for more. Thankfully dp hasn’t got the highest sex drive in the world. I mean he likes sex but he’s not a once a day kinda guy. So we are fine with that as both on the same page.

I think the problem starts when sex drives are mis matched. So what everyone else is doing is irrelevant to be honest. Your husband sounds annoying in all honesty. I can understand your husband feeling a bit pants if he is feeling a bit rejected but it’s no excuse for the behaviour at all.

Cpl654321 · 04/02/2021 20:44

I know it's not as simple as leaving, but would he be willing to go to couples counselling? I feel like he's just not listening to you, and maybe an objective third party could help?

You have chronic pain and he thinks your body is just his to use. It's no way to live op.

SarahBellam · 04/02/2021 20:46

Your husband is a coercive manipulative sex pest. No wonder you don’t want to have sex with him. I can’t imagine anyone would want to have sex with him. Do you want to stay with him?

dingdonger · 04/02/2021 20:46

Yeah great idea to go to coupes counselling with an abuser

Cpl654321 · 04/02/2021 20:48

She said she didn't want to leave. A couples counsellor made me see that my relationship was abusive and I left. Just offering a solution that worked for me.

dchange · 04/02/2021 20:50

Depends. Can be once a week or sometimes skip a week (especially when on period). However, during summer it can be twice a week. For some weird reason the heat drives more sexual activities. No pressure to be honest from the both of us.

On holiday, it is like 4 -5 times a week 🤣🤣

LemonadeFromLemons · 04/02/2021 20:51

@partyatthepalace

I would imagine he does know that the OP is in pain (as she has told him) and does know the OP has her own needs and desires (because he’s an adult and should be capable of some level of empathy),.. BUT...his needs and desires are more important and the OP is being entirely unreasonable in not fulfilling them...

bottleofvodka · 04/02/2021 20:53

Currently it's 5 times a week but that's following a high risk pregnancy where we couldn't do it...before that it was about 5 times a month. Been together 15 years, married 7 and have 2dc.

Your situation sounds horrible. Sending hugs your way x