How often do married couples really have sex??

[PlsSendWine]

My husband has always wanted a lot of sex. We’ve been together 12 years, married 7 and have 2 older children (mine) and two younger ones (ours).
I’m tired, all the time! I have some health issues which cause chronic fatigue and lots of muscle and joint pains but I still work part time, deal with the house and kids and try to carry on with life as best I can, like we all do.
But he wants sex++, everyday if I’d do it! I’ve tried to give him more and recently we’ve been ‘doing things’ at least twice a week if not more. I’m exhausted and in more pain than I’ve ever been. I don’t really enjoy it anymore, he’s very big (10 stone heavier than when we met!) I just don’t feel attracted to him. But if I say no (usually he’ll text me from work or somewhere else in the house to tell me he wants it that night or even sooner) he repeatedly asks and then gets annoyed then gets moody and arsey with me, sometimes for days, until I eventually give in. In between that time, before I give in, we’ll argue about everything and sometimes I end up saying really mean things just to get him to leave me alone... I hate the person I become. His version of arguing is shouting and swearing even in front of the kids and I hate it! He says I’m never affectionate to him and he feels unloved but if I do so much as give him a hug he takes it as a come-on and won’t leave me alone. He acts as if I should be pleased he finds me so attractive, maybe I’m just being selfish.

So I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable not to have sex with him more. We have gone through patches where we don’t for a week or two and he carries on and on about it, but to be honest I just don’t want it anymore. Recently I’ve made a huge effort, yet I said no the other day because frankly I’m in too much pain all over and it’s been arguments ever since. I’m so miserable.

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What does he plan to do about all the weight he's gained? You can't be physically attracted to him surely?

I’d do it every day if I had the energy and so would DH (we did until about a year ago when we started our own business) now we’re down to twice a week.

Your H sounds horrible!

See pp who are saying 5 times a week?! Do your children not hear you? i am curious and how do you get the time?!

I just don’t see a way out. In the first lockdown I’d had enough of his anger and treading on the eggshells and told him to leave. He refused...I don’t have any way of making him, we both pay the mortgage and bills so I don’t have any legal right to make him go.

Please consider leaving.

He's sexually abusive. It really doesn't matter how much people have sex as long as everyone freely and enthusiastically consents. He doesn't want that, he just wants sex regardless.

I’m not any more no

x-posted. Find a lawyer and talk to them about how to do it. And Women's Aid, because he's abusive.

I think you should show him this thread OP .

For a start stop.having sex when you don't want to.

Given the updates he does sound like a self indulgent undermining pig plus a sex pest even if the DC do love him.
He is not setting a good example for the DC they learn what they see we are the mentors.

Op you need to start a new thread in relationships
Competitive fucking clearly is a thing on mumsnet - regardless of if your dh is a coercive abuser.

@Mrsmadevans

I think you should show him this thread OP .

Do NOT do this. He is abusive. Never ever show your hand to an abusive man.

Thank you for understanding, it’s not that simple when kids are involved and they adore him, and him them. I’ve told him but I’m always the one in the wrong apparently.

Hope this link works, if not google 'consent and tea' and the video should come up. This is what helped me in a similar position. 2 kids, I stayed longer than I should have. Seek legal advice if leaving is something you decide to do. You will be more ok than you think on your own.

It’s my first ever post I really didn’t know where I have posted tbh

@Mrsmadevans

I think you should show him this thread OP .

🤦 How about no.

How does anyone think this is actually a good advice?!

Hi, I totally get where you’re coming from but my point was about how much his weight hurts me. I’ve put on weight since we’ve been together but only a fraction in comparison. He says he’s a compulsive eater and can’t help it.

@PlsSendWine
If you ask mumsnet then they can move your thread.
Relationships is much much kinder, Aibu is w total meltdown of wankers atm
You have huge problems that kind people on here will help you with

@PlsSendWine

It’s my first ever post I really didn’t know where I have posted tbh

You can report your post and ask MN to move it to relationships. Taht was a good advice from pp. Aibu does get sometimes mental

@PlsSendWine

Because it’s just not that black and white. We have children together who adore him and who he adores. It’s not often he shouts in front of them.

'Not often.'

I believe you, it's just extremely damaging for children to witness abuse even occasionally. It can impact someone's whole life - we're talking your children's future mental health, their romantic relationships, their friendships, their relationship with you as well as their dad. We know such much more about the huge damage it does now. It's not simple or black or white but he is abusive and there's no getting away from that, unfortunately.

It’s tempted but he’d only tell me I’m not telling the whole story or exaggerating and would probably (definitely) cause more arguments.

I think he behaviour towards you is abusive. I think you know this, and aren't ready to fully face what that means for your relationship because you've got kids together, you're physically (and probably mentally) exhausted and you can't contemplate doing anything about it. I get it - I've been there. But you need to hear that his behaviour is abusive and just let that percolate for a while. He sounds awful and he's behaving really really badly. I hope you can see that.

@Mrsmadevans

I think you should show him this thread OP .

Why would an abuser - who doesn’t care that his wife is in pain and wants to have sex with her even though she’s unwilling - care one jot what a bunch of randoms on the internet think? He’s treating his wife like a sex doll so clearly has no respect for women. This sight is predominantly women so our opinions count for nothing.

Of course he can help it. If he wants to stop eating he does the shut your mouth diet.
He sounds lazy on top of everything.

I’m not defending him at all, I think I’ve been desensitised over the years without knowing it now I’m reading all these posts... are all parents who shout at a partner and swear in front of their children abusive? Don’t lots of people shout sometimes? I don’t shout, but his family seem to see this as normal.