How often do married couples really have sex??

[PlsSendWine]

My husband has always wanted a lot of sex. We’ve been together 12 years, married 7 and have 2 older children (mine) and two younger ones (ours).
I’m tired, all the time! I have some health issues which cause chronic fatigue and lots of muscle and joint pains but I still work part time, deal with the house and kids and try to carry on with life as best I can, like we all do.
But he wants sex++, everyday if I’d do it! I’ve tried to give him more and recently we’ve been ‘doing things’ at least twice a week if not more. I’m exhausted and in more pain than I’ve ever been. I don’t really enjoy it anymore, he’s very big (10 stone heavier than when we met!) I just don’t feel attracted to him. But if I say no (usually he’ll text me from work or somewhere else in the house to tell me he wants it that night or even sooner) he repeatedly asks and then gets annoyed then gets moody and arsey with me, sometimes for days, until I eventually give in. In between that time, before I give in, we’ll argue about everything and sometimes I end up saying really mean things just to get him to leave me alone... I hate the person I become. His version of arguing is shouting and swearing even in front of the kids and I hate it! He says I’m never affectionate to him and he feels unloved but if I do so much as give him a hug he takes it as a come-on and won’t leave me alone. He acts as if I should be pleased he finds me so attractive, maybe I’m just being selfish.

So I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable not to have sex with him more. We have gone through patches where we don’t for a week or two and he carries on and on about it, but to be honest I just don’t want it anymore. Recently I’ve made a huge effort, yet I said no the other day because frankly I’m in too much pain all over and it’s been arguments ever since. I’m so miserable.

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It doesn’t matter how often other married couples have sex, all that matters is that you are feeling forced to have sex when you don’t want to. That’s a type of abuse. Id call or email women’s aid.

Meant to add a close friend of mine went through similar minus the weight issue.
Her now exh demanded sex every day 2pm monday to friday when the dc were at school and whenever he could corner her in their bedroom on weekends. There's other stuff too like recording her while sleeping naked on holiday, actually positioning her legs apart while she slept to get a better view- sick bastard!

Huffy miserable fucker he was if he didn't get what he wanted. She, like you, would give in and do it to keep his face straight so he didn't take it out on the dc.
At the time I was also with an abusive bastard but not a sexual one. I stopped having sex with him.
This was a revelation to her when I told her. She honestly didn't believe I got a choice.
I drummed it into her for months that her situation was wrong and she eventually seen sense for herself. She left him and took the kids.
Many years later she has remarried a lovely guy who she adores and the ex is still single because no one else will allow his demands probably plus he is just a cunt in general.

Once a month. We have a 3 month old and a 2 year old. But I would say we have a very good relationship. Lots of sex doesnt mean a good relationship. Your DH sounds like a sex pest, and he sees you as a sex object rather than a loving partner. It's not a healthy relationship dynamic to demand sex. It should be a mutual thing, even if it doesnt happen often, not a perfunctory act.

@PlsSendWine

Thank you for understanding, it’s not that simple when kids are involved and they adore him, and him them. I’ve told him but I’m always the one in the wrong apparently.

Kids can be wirh him 50 % of time. He can carry on relationship with them

Kids will love dad whatever
Does not mean you need to stay
Go talk to counsellor on your own

Married 25 years. Very happy. Varies from twice a week to twice a month. Mainly due to lack of opportunities with teens in the house awake late! The main thing is we never ever would or have pressured each other. any man that did that wouldn’t be for me.

Agree with @twerpingbird . I don’t equate lots of sex with a good relationship.

So sorry you're in this situation op. I have various health conditions which makes sex painful so Dh and I have a lot less than we used to. I feel guilty about it but dh is very respectful about it. I always dwell on how odd I am!

I tried to end it in the first lockdown, I’d had enough, but he refused to leave his children. Then I guess he wore me down again and things just kept going.

I think the correct ammount of days to fuck love is about 20 times a week

YANBU. Please don’t have sex you don’t want.

I’m in my 30s, had a baby 2 years ago- my DH and I have had sex less than 10 times since then.

You don’t owe him your body. He may not wish to stay in a sexless marriage, and it’s his right to leave if he wishes to - so I’d be aware that’s a risk, but don’t ever have sex unless you are genuinely up for it.

@PlsSendWine

Hi OP. If he refuses to leave is there anyway you can co-habit whilst being clear your sexual and romantic relationship has ended and it is now purely about the kids.

@Clemminbucklesworth6123

I think the correct ammount of days to fuck love is about 20 times a week

Buckled

@PlsSendWine

I tried to end it in the first lockdown, I’d had enough, but he refused to leave his children. Then I guess he wore me down again and things just kept going.

Oh pet.

This does not sound like a happy relationship.

@Christmasfairy2020

So you have fibromyalgia.?

Once or twice a week

Yes and osteoarthritis in various joints

So you should be grateful he still finds you attractive, but do you find the great lump of lard you are married to attractive. I would be as frank as him and say you weigh too much which hurts me and I really do not find you attractive anymore. I will bet the women are not lining up to be a sex slave so why should you be one.

[quote LemonadeFromLemons]@PlsSendWine

Hi OP. If he refuses to leave is there anyway you can co-habit whilst being clear your sexual and romantic relationship has ended and it is now purely about the kids.[/quote]
Hi, I think this is what it might come to but I think it would be awful as he wouldn’t be nice.

I’m really miserable

Your husband is being an arse and I'm surprised you are staying with him. His behaviour would be a real deal breaker for me. My dp has a higher sex drive than me, but he doesn't pester, and we are close in other ways like cuddling and kissing. I also have chronic pain issues and don't enjoy sex like I used to for this reason. If dp didn't understand this I wouldn't stick around.

@PlsSendWine

I’m really miserable

We can tell.

You have to get your ducks in a row here, OP. You deserve better.

I’ve been you, OP.

I drove myself demented wondering about everybody else’s sex life. Was there something wrong with me?

Turns out there was not and is not. I suspect not with you either.

Some long term couples have sex every day. Some one a month or less. It doesn’t matter a bit tbh.

I am blissfully shot of my sex pest husband. From this distance, I can see he was abusive in this and many other ways.

Nobody fancies a sex pest!

There’s nothing wrong with you OP, apart from your husband.

Find your anger, that will get you out of there. You can't stay in this situation, and the children are being damaged whether you realise it or not. Speak to womens aid and speak to a good divorce lawyer. He does not have the right to do this to you, and you have every right to call time. Do not show him this thread, do not warn him. He is not your friend. If there is any support you can call on in real life, you need it now. You can re write your life and it will be hard and so worth it. Resolve that you won't be where you are now a year from now.

@delilahbucket

Your husband is being an arse and I'm surprised you are staying with him. His behaviour would be a real deal breaker for me. My dp has a higher sex drive than me, but he doesn't pester, and we are close in other ways like cuddling and kissing. I also have chronic pain issues and don't enjoy sex like I used to for this reason. If dp didn't understand this I wouldn't stick around.

It’s just not that simple with kids, dogs, house, debts ....... I have no way out that would be healthy for the kids.

Guess he was not a compulsive eater when she met him, and if they divorce he will do the diet exercise thing to get into shape to get laid again.

Me and DH usually have sex around once or twice a month. Sometimes more maybe weekly and sometimes less, after around 6-8 weeks for example! It really varies and how people with children have the energy for regular sex is beyond me 😂 He would prefer a bit more, a few times a week he says. But he’s definitely not a pest and he’s fine sorting himself out if I’m not in the mood! Which is how it should be I think.

When I had two tiny children was tired, bed time OH moaned again about not having sex. I turned to him and said oh go cut a hole in the mattress coz that is all you need. He did not forget that remark for years, but he did back off.