AIBU for wanting to move 1.5 hours back to my parents home for a month, leaving my boyfriend?

[PurpleRays]

To preface, I want to stay together. I love my partner, but things have been difficult for me recently as I lost my grandmother and have been unable to see my family. We moved in together in October and it was a fairly last minute decision. We share a room, and our flatmate shares the other room. My boyfriend pays no rent as his parents own the place, and we are all a few months away from graduating.

I'm going home for a few days at the end of Feb (for a funeral), though if I'm honest, I want to go home for much longer. I've failed to set my own routine that works with my boyfriends since living here. He goes to bed at 5am, wakes at 3pm and goes straight on the xbox. We've been on two walks together, despite me practically begging. Things were fine the first couple of months, but now I feel lonely and fairly unloved. He prioritises playing video games, and can go days without doing any University work. Just now, I had to come to bed to work because he immediately came in at 4pm and put his video games on.

I'm tired with the way chores are weighed out too. I always bring up to him how I feel tasks aren't done equally, and he always shuts down and refuses to talk to me. The bins are currently overflowing because I haven't went out my way to empty them. I know it's just little things, but I've began this discussion several times and it goes... nowhere.

I want to go home for 3 weeks and just rest. I want to work to my own schedule and regain my sense of 'self' again. I know he will shut down when I suggest it, so I'm posting here to see if I'm just being unreasonable before I mention to him. I know we're a couple and we need to make decisions like this together, but I'd appreciate any advice here.

I would most certainly go home, at least for a while. We all have bad habits but he sounds awful to live with. Put your foot down now or you'll be dealing with that nonsense for years to come. I'm sorry for your loss of your grandmother.

OP,

You are so young and unfortunately you seem determined to allow him to treat you really badly.

Your life will only improve when you realise that you deserve to be valued and treated well.

He doesn't care about you and he knows you will take any old shit behaviour he dishes out because that's all you seem to think you deserve.

We teach people how to treat us.

You sound like such a lovely young women, and a bright one.

What would you say to a friend who was skivvy for her lazy boyfriend and being treated so badly?

Is this REALLY all you want for yourself?🤷🏻‍♀️

You’re not a mug. You’re a young woman who has been conditioned to be piece that if YOU just try hard enough YOU can solve all the problems.
There are a lot of women on here who’ve been through what you’re going through. Some of us put up with it longer than others. Most of us can look back and wish we had done something different.
It’s not you. It’s him. It doesn’t make him a bad person. Just bad for you.
When you go take all your possessions so you don’t feel you “have” to go back. If it’s possible give yourself more than a few weeks away. A couple of months as a start would be good. Hopefully you’ll find no need to go back.
At the moment your rent is paying for his lifestyle.

@PurpleRays

I was going to update this when I returned from my time at home, but I'm so close to tears I couldn't help myself.

I haven't went home yet. I felt (wrongly) guilty for leaving him for 3 weeks that I decided to stay for another few days. I'm now leaving in a few days for 2 weeks.

I feel like a total mug. I spent over an hour this morning making him a valentine's card, only for him to roll out of bed at 3am, open the card, say thanks and leave me in the living room alone. I could burst into tears right now that he didn't even get me a piece of paper.

I get that we shouldn't be joined at the hip, but really? It's our anniversary tomorrow and I feel so angry that I decided to stay here for a few more days.

I'm scared to admit that I feel things are crumbling. We had a long sit down discussion about how I felt re his sleeping habits, the chores, my self esteem etc. and he changed his habits for all of 3 days before leaving it up to me again. Great.

These things happen.

You can have more than one serious relationship that goes pear-shaped. That's how we learn

But you've started to see it's wrong before you've got to the marriage/children/home/completely entwined life, which is great

Go home. Concentrate on your studies. Then talk to your parents. There's no shame in a failed relationship. He's not trying and even if he does care (doubtful) he doesn't care enough.

And please don't run back at the first promise you'll get. I'll guarantee it'll be an empty one.

Why scared to admit that things feel like they are crumbling?

For most readers we think there is no relationship to crumble. What is coming undone is your hope that you can make this work. You can be lovely and proactive and be completely unable to improve the other person. You can’t make this man react as he should. I am sad you didn’t walk last time, I am sad you aren’t calling a friend or your family or just packing up yourself to go and never look back.

I have never been anything other than my partners’ top priority. There were plenty of boyfriends who didn’t become partners because they put themselves, their friends, their family before me. It is completely controllable to have wonderful partners who put energy and enthusiasm into you - you have to ditch the dicks who won’t the minute you see it. That first whiff of laziness, misogyny, pettiness then they go the same day.

I really feel for you. You know what you deserve and you are prepared to offer the same. It’s not you - it’s him. It will define you though if you let it carry on. If you were my friend I would appear with the roll of bin bags ans whisk you away. A few years from now I would be having a drink with you while you tell me about the holiday your dP had booked and how amazing he has been supporting you when something tough happened. He would call and tell you to stay out and dance and offer to pick us both up so we could get home without needing a cab. He would collect you at 3am with an emergency can of Fanta in case you were drunkenly dehydrated and would cook a great lunch whilst you sleep in and recover. A drink while you told me about life with this man would be sad.

You'll look back at this and think, that's what I don't want from a relationship. It will stand you in good stead for the future and I've no doubt, you'll find someone lovely out there who treats you as well as you treat others. Good luck.

Until you wake up and realise this is a parasitic excuse for a relationship and leave, people can say all they want but it'll be pissing into the wind. He's a dick. He will not change, possibly ever. He's not worth it. You're still letting him treat you like crap, not leaving and being with your family who love you. That's sad AF. But honestly, your power is yours and if you choose to give it away then you do.

Does he know you’re living for a couple of weeks? What does he think about it? Why did you feel guilty about leaving before?

Ok, after your last update you now know that he isn't going to change. Three days is nothing and he has shown you who he is and will continue to be going forward. You are not happy with how things are, so why are you hesitating about leaving and going to your parents? I know it is hard to end a relationship, especially when you love someone but you have to love yourself more. He makes you so unhappy and the good bits don't make the bad bits worthwhile. You posted here for a reason - because you know deep down you are unhappy with things and can't go on like this. I understand that it may take you a while to process everything and come to terms with splitting up but your future self will be so glad that you did. You will be unhappy if you split up but that unhappiness will be temporary as you get over him and meet someone else who is an adult and capable of acting like an adult. Stay with him and that unhappiness will just linger and fester.

I would't trust the voting - most people voting YANBU will be thinking that because you want to "stay" with this loser - nothing whatever to do with going back to your parents.

He goes to bed at 5am, wakes at 3pm and goes straight on the Xbox.
WTF do you get out of the "relationship"
Go home, be thankful that you're not tied into a long rental contract, never move back - or even maintain the relationship.

I'm sorry op, I know it hurts. Go home, be looked after a bit, and think what you want. Do you want to be doing all the housework and working full time whilst he slips from job to job and spends his freetime on the XBOX? Do you want to be juggling work and a couple of kids whilst he locks himself away on the bedroom all weekend because he needs him time?

You found our early and you should be proud you can see what this life will be and do something to change it.

You sound lovely and caring, but he isn’t ready for a mature relationship, maybe he needs a couple of years to mature, maybe he never will; either way you are too young and have too much opportunity ahead of you to tie yourself in with him.

Give yourself space, focus on your work, and see where you get to in a few months, but don’t be afraid to walk away if he can’t get it together.

People come into your life to teach you things, and maybe he is here to teach you never to compromise your standards for a man, there are plenty of them out there.

Op, re-read your previous post after he promised to change and you believed he was serious.

Things have already crumbled. It's ok if you need some time to accept this won't work.

Some - most - relationships come to a natural end. Think of all the connections we form in our lives and what it would be like if we tried to continue every last one of them forever.

Accepting a relationship is not right for you and ending it is not a failure and it doesn't mean you're unlovable. If you move on from a job because it's not the right match for you or exploits you, nobody calls it a "failed job" . If you move home because the location doesn't suit you nobody calls it a "failed home" .

Relationships aren't about success or failure and getting into that mindset of treating it like an investment that must bear fruit beyond what it added to your life in the moment is how people end up throwing their whole lives away on miserable unfulfilling relationships. "I've invested so much, I can't give up now" and meanwhile they miss out on positive experiences.

Besides which, having the courage to move on from a situation that is not right for you and where you are not treated as the equal, cherished partner you deserve to be cannot be considered failing by anyone.

I'm sorry he's let you down and that you're hurting.

Stop believing what he says and look at what he does. He doesnt care. Go home and stay home. Dont waste your life on this loser. Fgs youre 21!!!! A baby!!! Live your life. Live it well. This guy will drain you.

Leave just leave. He doesn’t make you happy.

You say you were in an abusive relationship previously. To be honest you are again, albeit presenting differently. He is lazy, entitled and controlling (you’d be at home otherwise).

Go home ASAP, get some rest and have a look online at the Freedom Programme. You don’t need to tell him how long you plan to be away by the way.

Well it sounds like you have given things every chance and every effort and have seen the truth about him now. So you can leave with no regrets and no what ifs in the back of your mind.

He’s shown you who he is. Now it’s time to believe him.

@PurpleRays I know you didn’t like what someone said previously about self respect but what are you waiting for. He’s shown you who he is, believe him! Your a convenience. You sound lovely and deserve better.
Go home.

Evening, all. OP has been in touch and asked us to delete this as it is causing her some concern IRL, and we've agreed to do so.
Thanks for understanding.

Thats a shame. Op really needs to know she should not accept such poor treatment.