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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for wanting to move 1.5 hours back to my parents home for a month, leaving my boyfriend?

170 replies

PurpleRays · 04/02/2021 17:38

To preface, I want to stay together. I love my partner, but things have been difficult for me recently as I lost my grandmother and have been unable to see my family. We moved in together in October and it was a fairly last minute decision. We share a room, and our flatmate shares the other room. My boyfriend pays no rent as his parents own the place, and we are all a few months away from graduating.

I'm going home for a few days at the end of Feb (for a funeral), though if I'm honest, I want to go home for much longer. I've failed to set my own routine that works with my boyfriends since living here. He goes to bed at 5am, wakes at 3pm and goes straight on the xbox. We've been on two walks together, despite me practically begging. Things were fine the first couple of months, but now I feel lonely and fairly unloved. He prioritises playing video games, and can go days without doing any University work. Just now, I had to come to bed to work because he immediately came in at 4pm and put his video games on.

I'm tired with the way chores are weighed out too. I always bring up to him how I feel tasks aren't done equally, and he always shuts down and refuses to talk to me. The bins are currently overflowing because I haven't went out my way to empty them. I know it's just little things, but I've began this discussion several times and it goes... nowhere.

I want to go home for 3 weeks and just rest. I want to work to my own schedule and regain my sense of 'self' again. I know he will shut down when I suggest it, so I'm posting here to see if I'm just being unreasonable before I mention to him. I know we're a couple and we need to make decisions like this together, but I'd appreciate any advice here.

OP posts:
chilling19 · 04/02/2021 22:58

A friend pointed out to me that if I blew my degree over the waste of space I was with at the time I would never forgive myself. She was right so I dumped him. Do the same and go home. You will barely remember his name in a year.

DarcyJack · 04/02/2021 23:07

This is absolutely bonkers. Go home with an overnight bag. No need to even tell him you are not going back. At the weekend or as soon as suitable get your Dad or similar to drive you back to collect your stuff. Job done. Good bye to him. Happy days.

Cherrysoup · 04/02/2021 23:14

He won’t even notice you’ve gone. Don’t go back.

RootyT00t · 04/02/2021 23:19

Aw, OP.

This is hard reading.

People are doing the tough love but it's needed here. Go.

mashernasher · 04/02/2021 23:20

You're clearly an intelligent woman with a bright future ahead of you. Leave and don't go back. He's a loser. You can do better. MUCH better!

Cocogreen · 04/02/2021 23:26

You deserve much better than this lazy, unmotivated man child. Go home to your family OP!

SunsetSenora · 04/02/2021 23:48

Go home as quickly as you can.

Maverick66 · 05/02/2021 00:18

Speaking as mum of two adult daughters........GO HOME ......and don't look back .Your boyfriend is a total prat.

IDKNABYBIF22 · 05/02/2021 00:25

Hills are that way OP >>. God speed!

Honestly though, you say yourself you are lonely living with him. Lockdown is hard enough without living with someone who makes you feel lonely, go home to your family.

bigbird1969 · 05/02/2021 08:54

Well if you think we are harsh. Speak to your parents about your lovely boyfriend and see what advice you get? Sure it will be harsher than on here. Your bar is set so low I feel sorry for you.

LuaDipa · 05/02/2021 08:56

There is much better out there for you than this. He is happy to live with no routine and no productivity in his life, probably because his parents are there to support him. He has no consideration for you - he comes in and doesn’t even ask if it is ok to put a video game on when you are clearly working. Plus he won’t make any effort with your family. He is not the one for you. Move home and don’t look back.

ThePlantsitter · 05/02/2021 09:11

Are you still there OP? I just wanted to say that middle aged women give this harsh (not really that harsh) advice to younger women because there comes a point in your life at which you suddenly see ALL the societal pressure that traps women into doing and being particular things. As a younger woman of course you see sexism, but suddenly - often after having kids but not exclusively- you realise exactly how much that pressure has affected all your decisions throughout your life.

So the advice you're getting is based on all of us knowing that we might well have made the same decisions as you as young women but we can now see that this decisions weren't really ours at all - not based on what we liked doing or how we liked living - but based on what we thought women should be or had to be like. You don't have to have a boyfriend at all! You are allowed to prioritise yourself and what is important to YOU.

peak2021 · 05/02/2021 09:39

Leave, don't go back as others have said. Please end the relationship and also tell him face to face.

LilMidge01 · 05/02/2021 09:41

The whole 'but I love him' point aside....I don't know him and don't want to judge his whole character of the few things you've mentioned.

But one thing jumps out to me...that you are considering his feelings about decisions and thinking you should involve him before making them....and he is clearly not . This is the biggest red flag to me. Because 'love' aside, what you are describing is a 'relationship'- and it seems that he is not in a relationship with you. You might be exclusively dating and you mgiht indeed love each other...but that isn't enough for a 'relationship' if one of you is oblivious to it. Talk as much as you want to him, but you really can't make someone be an active participant in a relationship if they are mentally checked out of it and making no effort to be a partnership in any way

LilMidge01 · 05/02/2021 09:42

@ThePlantsitter

Are you still there OP? I just wanted to say that middle aged women give this harsh (not really that harsh) advice to younger women because there comes a point in your life at which you suddenly see ALL the societal pressure that traps women into doing and being particular things. As a younger woman of course you see sexism, but suddenly - often after having kids but not exclusively- you realise exactly how much that pressure has affected all your decisions throughout your life.

So the advice you're getting is based on all of us knowing that we might well have made the same decisions as you as young women but we can now see that this decisions weren't really ours at all - not based on what we liked doing or how we liked living - but based on what we thought women should be or had to be like. You don't have to have a boyfriend at all! You are allowed to prioritise yourself and what is important to YOU.

This. A million times.
AlexaShutUp · 05/02/2021 09:46

OP, go home and don't come back. There is nothing in this relationship for you. You deserve so much better.Flowers

Original poster
PurpleRays · 05/02/2021 13:13

@ThePlantsitter

Are you still there OP? I just wanted to say that middle aged women give this harsh (not really that harsh) advice to younger women because there comes a point in your life at which you suddenly see ALL the societal pressure that traps women into doing and being particular things. As a younger woman of course you see sexism, but suddenly - often after having kids but not exclusively- you realise exactly how much that pressure has affected all your decisions throughout your life.

So the advice you're getting is based on all of us knowing that we might well have made the same decisions as you as young women but we can now see that this decisions weren't really ours at all - not based on what we liked doing or how we liked living - but based on what we thought women should be or had to be like. You don't have to have a boyfriend at all! You are allowed to prioritise yourself and what is important to YOU.

Apologises for not getting back to everyone. I have been reading every message.

I've spoke to him. I know some were saying just to leave, but circumstances changed for me meaning I can't just head home. I imagine I'll be going in the next week.

He seems to really want to change, particularly with the sleeping and chores. For what it's worth, I know he's being serious.

I said regardless, I would still be going home as I need my own space for at least a few weeks to make headway with my degree. I have major deadlines looming and I can't achieve them in this mindset.

Again, thank you to everyone for pitching in. Some of these comments left me in tears.

OP posts:
readsalotgirl63 · 05/02/2021 13:59

Good to hear from you. Please focus on what YOU need to be doing at this moment - and that is undoubtedly your studies. Don't look back 20 years and wish you'd done better and know( or even suspect) it was because you were distracted by someone else. If he is serious about changing and genuinely cares for you he would be doing everything possible to support you and showing far more consideration for you than seems to be the case.

@ThePlantsitter expressed far more eloquently than I could precisely what all of us who are older on this thread are saying. Women (and especially young women ) often feel they are not entitled to be selfish and think of themselves before other people. This is your time to be selfish. Go home , work hard, be successful and the very best of luck.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/02/2021 15:11

If he’s so keen to change what’s stopping him at the moment? You need to look at his actions instead of getting sucked in by his words.

He’s an adult, he knows it’s his equal job to pitch in around the house, be awake a decent amount and have interests outside of his gaming. He’s made an active choice every single day that he’s opted out of all that.

Please don’t fall into the age old trap of trying to change him. He’s got agency in his life the same way you do. He’s not a victim of anything but his own lack of motivation but you’re potentially a victim of your hopes over reality.

bourbonne · 05/02/2021 15:14

You can't "know" he's being serious unless he actually changes his ways. Actions speak louder than words. We're all a tangled mess of motivations, desires, habits and weaknesses. His good intentions aren't what's important here.

rawalpindithelabrador · 05/02/2021 15:31

He's lost his domestic servant with sex on top and paying bills so he's all about 'change'. This type of person almost NEVER does. They pay the woman lip service to keep her sweet and then slip back to what they really are. Hopefully you'll wake up before you waste your 20s with a person like this or worse, have kids with him.

What should have had you in tears was his actions over the past 4 months, when he should have been doing his best to prove to you what he's made of, the honeymoon period of living together, not strangers on the internet pointing out what they've seen dozens of times in their lives - a woman wasting time with an adult man who believes lifework is woman's work.

My daughter's teenage boyfriend is more mature than this guy.

user1471543094 · 05/02/2021 15:37

I cannot say I'm at all surprised that he has promised he will change.

I will however be amazed if he actually does.

Crumpetloverrr · 05/02/2021 15:40

So he’s going to change in the three weeks you are away? I wouldn’t bank on it.

rawalpindithelabrador · 05/02/2021 15:51

@Crumpetloverrr

So he’s going to change in the three weeks you are away? I wouldn’t bank on it.
Or he'll change for a few months and then gradually backslide. People like this keep their relationships going with this cycle and the other half thinking they'll actually change for good. It almost never happens.
Santaiscovidfree · 05/02/2021 15:52

I have had this exact problem(about a year so far) and conversation this week op. Promises of change and bucking up ideas etc.
From my 17 year old ds...
From a so called partner? Think not.
You sell yourself very short op.
Very short..