AIBU for wanting to move 1.5 hours back to my parents home for a month, leaving my boyfriend?

[PurpleRays]

To preface, I want to stay together. I love my partner, but things have been difficult for me recently as I lost my grandmother and have been unable to see my family. We moved in together in October and it was a fairly last minute decision. We share a room, and our flatmate shares the other room. My boyfriend pays no rent as his parents own the place, and we are all a few months away from graduating.

I'm going home for a few days at the end of Feb (for a funeral), though if I'm honest, I want to go home for much longer. I've failed to set my own routine that works with my boyfriends since living here. He goes to bed at 5am, wakes at 3pm and goes straight on the xbox. We've been on two walks together, despite me practically begging. Things were fine the first couple of months, but now I feel lonely and fairly unloved. He prioritises playing video games, and can go days without doing any University work. Just now, I had to come to bed to work because he immediately came in at 4pm and put his video games on.

I'm tired with the way chores are weighed out too. I always bring up to him how I feel tasks aren't done equally, and he always shuts down and refuses to talk to me. The bins are currently overflowing because I haven't went out my way to empty them. I know it's just little things, but I've began this discussion several times and it goes... nowhere.

I want to go home for 3 weeks and just rest. I want to work to my own schedule and regain my sense of 'self' again. I know he will shut down when I suggest it, so I'm posting here to see if I'm just being unreasonable before I mention to him. I know we're a couple and we need to make decisions like this together, but I'd appreciate any advice here.

Oh god, I remember being young and dating guys who were like this. They don't change! At least the ones I knew didn't.

Don't waste your university years and early 20's on him. You won't even remember his face by the time you're my age (31). Honestly, you'll think back to this behaviour and think how mad you were for even considering putting up with it. He's only saying he'll change because he doesn't want to deal with a breakup and lose someone who cleans/cooks/has sex with him.

Don't bother, honestly. Especially given the way he can't be bothered with your parents! I remember chatting to my Dad about a boyfriend who did this year's later, and I was so shocked to realise how upset he'd actually been. He felt like not only was he and my mum being disrespected, but me too. Because we were!

Go home and don't look back! Spend some time single, look after you, and when you meet someone else you'll know the signs to watch out for and find your voice early!

*were not was. It's been a long day! 😂

With the greatest of love OP, all the PP are correct - you aren't right for each other. He isn't being considerate of you when he games all day and night, he isn't being considerate of you when he tries to tell you not to go home to your parents and he isn't going to become more considerate of you or your feelings because that's just not who he is. You deserve better

Your not a couple as such. You are just supplying a service.

He’ll change for a couple of weeks then it will slip back, it always does.

OP you're banging your head against a brick wall if you think having a 'discussion' is going to change anything :( honestly go back to your parents, get your head sorted out. There is no future for you with this guy. You're worth more and you deserve an ADULT boyfriend. You'll find someone who will appreciate you.

It's they way he is OP, he'll never change. Ask him why you weren't worth making an effort for before you brought it up.
I hope your time away gives you time to really think about what he brings to your life and you realise it's absolutely nothing but upset and stress.

The most we can hope for is that when he continues to treat her badly, use her and probably have her paying for him in the future, at some point she may recall all the poster's advising her to have some self respect and to value herself more than her waster boyfriend does.

Hopefully the penny will drop before she gets pregnant and has her life choices compromised hugely.

She sounds like a lovely girl, if very naive.

Her parents must be privately in the horrors at their precious daughter accepting being treated so poorly by such a selfish juvenile man child.

I think the situation where 'couples have to make decisions together ' is more for people who have been together long term and have a child together .

You are obviously fairly young (you say your BF is at uni, not sure if you are) ; you moved in together a couple of months back as a last minute decision . It's not working for you . You don't owe him anything.

Head back home , spend time with your family , think about what you want in life , I wouldn't go back to him though .

Neither of you sound particularly fit for a proper relationship.

So run away home, and you will get over it.

My dd's boyfriend is 18. He's at college studying to be an automechanic. She's starting uni in August in the same town and will be living in the halls. He's been working since he was 15, as has she, saving money to buy the upgrades he wanted on his phone, trainers, to top up driving lessons, insurance on his dad's car, etc. So has she. They've had their own bank accounts since they were 16 and topped up their driving lessons they got as birthday gifts to pass their tests and help pay their insurance and petrol. My daughter got caring qualifications alongside her studies in secondary school and has a part-time job in a care home and will work alongside her uni course to supplement the allowance we'll give her as she wants to save and build up her work experience to make her more employable.

He's in a flat share with two other blokes, they take turns cooking, doing all the chores, ordering in the shopping and he still works shifts at Spar. He games for fun but not all night and not do work because it's just a bit of fun.

When he's here he is courteous and respectful, as she is when she's at his family's home, if we cook dinner, he thanks us, tucks in and then they get up and clear up and do the washing up. If she goes to his, he asks his flatmates first and they do their share of the work.

They were supposed to go on holiday over Easter, all paid for by them together.

Don't get me wrong, both families do what they can to help them, but they work and provide their own top ups and upgrades. They even discussed contraception together (she decided to go for the implant and it's working) as they would like a life together as a married couple one day but don't want to have children until they are married and have qualifications and jobs and hopefully own a home together.

Contrast that with your 'man'.

Because you deserve more.

He seems to really want to change, particularly with the sleeping and chores. For what it's worth, I know he's being serious

Then you will SEE the change. Do not compromise at 21.

@billy1966

The most we can hope for is that when he continues to treat her badly, use her and probably have her paying for him in the future, at some point she may recall all the poster's advising her to have some self respect and to value herself more than her waster boyfriend does.

Hopefully the penny will drop before she gets pregnant and has her life choices compromised hugely.

She sounds like a lovely girl, if very naive.

Her parents must be privately in the horrors at their precious daughter accepting being treated so poorly by such a selfish juvenile man child.

Whilst I appreciate your help, the way you're talking is fairly distasteful.

I have self respect. I asked for advice on a situation in which I stated in another comment that I chose not to disclose any 'good' parts of my boyfriend as they weren't relevant to my initial post.

Using third person pronouns to announce to the group that I lack self respect and am accepting being treated poorly is upsetting to say the least. I haven't expressed acceptance of being treated poorly, in fact, it's quite the opposite with my proposal of moving back home.

I'm sure you meant well, no hard feelings.

Thanks everyone for helping me out. I feel so loved! As it stands, I am moving back next week for at least a few weeks. The discussion, whilst many are doubtful, helped to some degree.

I'm not going to give up on him. I'm going to work on myself and only then do I feel I can make informed decisions. I will check back in a month or so.

I wish I could reply to every message. Some of you have been beyond caring. It means the world

Don't worry OP. Most women have tried to be the Arsehole Whisperer at some point or another. I was a fixer of men for years.

Women are trained to fix men, forgive men, train men and blame themselves and their partners' mothers when it invariably doesn't work.

Life is much better when you find a man who is already cleaning, being awake in the daytime, and meets your needs.

I live with someone I love dearly. He would prioritise gaming over education, has to be forced in walks, forced to do his education, moans and strops or just tries to ignore it.

He's 7.

Run for the hills OP. Your one might be lovely eventually but when you are old and fat and married with 2 dcs like me you will look back and regret wasting your youth on him.

Go find unsuitable one night stands, random relationships and mad nights out.

You deserve more.

This doesn’t sound like a fulfilling relationship...

Enjoy being at home and prioritise yourself and your studies.

OP, I love your outlook on life and the way you write is so considerate humble. Be kind to yourself

Sorry about your grandmother, OP. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now and I think it’s very admirable you have recognised your priorities and have a clear action plan.

Relationships are tricky things at times, and it’s difficult to see a man clearly for who he is when you’re under so much pressure from other life stressors and - not to sound patronising here - you’re so young!

I could have written your post when I was your age, 13 years ago. I shackled myself to a man - several men - who had anxiety, depression, alcoholism, gaming addiction, you name it - while I ran around trying to make life easier for him. It never worked and I always ended up miserable and frustrated.

OP I’m so glad you’re reading all the posts - even the blunt ones are so kindly meant - don’t waste your time on a man who doesn’t prioritise you!

If it’s helps, I’m now in a relationship with a lovely guy who has his priorities straight and I feel truly cherished. Never for a moment have I felt disregarded by him or boring to him. We have fun, even in lockdown, and if he’s grumpy or short then he’s quick to apologise and never shuts down communication, because why jeopardise such a great connection? That’s what I’d like you to aim for. Enjoy your time away; I’m sure it’ll do you the world of good.

Three words: raise - your - bar. He won't change, they never do. Are you willing to accept a relationship like this for what should be the best years of your life?

@nomorecrumbs

Sorry about your grandmother, OP. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now and I think it’s very admirable you have recognised your priorities and have a clear action plan.

Relationships are tricky things at times, and it’s difficult to see a man clearly for who he is when you’re under so much pressure from other life stressors and - not to sound patronising here - you’re so young!

I could have written your post when I was your age, 13 years ago. I shackled myself to a man - several men - who had anxiety, depression, alcoholism, gaming addiction, you name it - while I ran around trying to make life easier for him. It never worked and I always ended up miserable and frustrated.

OP I’m so glad you’re reading all the posts - even the blunt ones are so kindly meant - don’t waste your time on a man who doesn’t prioritise you!

If it’s helps, I’m now in a relationship with a lovely guy who has his priorities straight and I feel truly cherished. Never for a moment have I felt disregarded by him or boring to him. We have fun, even in lockdown, and if he’s grumpy or short then he’s quick to apologise and never shuts down communication, because why jeopardise such a great connection? That’s what I’d like you to aim for. Enjoy your time away; I’m sure it’ll do you the world of good.

I'm still in your previous state.

Thank you for giving me hope x

OP,
Come back in a month on two's time and write that you have kicked his butt to touch and @billy1966 was completely wrong, and a PITA.

Prove me wrong and tell me you have asserted yourself and are being respected and valued.

Believe me pet, I will be so thrilled for you. As will hundreds of posters on MN that just want women to love, value, assert, and protect themselves.

You have hopefully a long happy life ahead of you...we all just want it to be with a great man who values you.👍

Focus on your degree.
Get your degree.👍

I was going to update this when I returned from my time at home, but I'm so close to tears I couldn't help myself.

I haven't went home yet. I felt (wrongly) guilty for leaving him for 3 weeks that I decided to stay for another few days. I'm now leaving in a few days for 2 weeks.

I feel like a total mug. I spent over an hour this morning making him a valentine's card, only for him to roll out of bed at 3am, open the card, say thanks and leave me in the living room alone. I could burst into tears right now that he didn't even get me a piece of paper.

I get that we shouldn't be joined at the hip, but really? It's our anniversary tomorrow and I feel so angry that I decided to stay here for a few more days.

I'm scared to admit that I feel things are crumbling. We had a long sit down discussion about how I felt re his sleeping habits, the chores, my self esteem etc. and he changed his habits for all of 3 days before leaving it up to me again. Great.

I think you moved in too soon. After you've been to your parents could you live separately but still see each other, that way you can focus on your work and you won't notice what time he goes to bed. And tell him you will only talk about living together when he has held down a job for at least 2 years.

Just pack up your shit now and leave without a backwards glance.

What would you suggest to a friend if they confided in you that their relationship was like this?