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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for wanting to move 1.5 hours back to my parents home for a month, leaving my boyfriend?

170 replies

PurpleRays · 04/02/2021 17:38

To preface, I want to stay together. I love my partner, but things have been difficult for me recently as I lost my grandmother and have been unable to see my family. We moved in together in October and it was a fairly last minute decision. We share a room, and our flatmate shares the other room. My boyfriend pays no rent as his parents own the place, and we are all a few months away from graduating.

I'm going home for a few days at the end of Feb (for a funeral), though if I'm honest, I want to go home for much longer. I've failed to set my own routine that works with my boyfriends since living here. He goes to bed at 5am, wakes at 3pm and goes straight on the xbox. We've been on two walks together, despite me practically begging. Things were fine the first couple of months, but now I feel lonely and fairly unloved. He prioritises playing video games, and can go days without doing any University work. Just now, I had to come to bed to work because he immediately came in at 4pm and put his video games on.

I'm tired with the way chores are weighed out too. I always bring up to him how I feel tasks aren't done equally, and he always shuts down and refuses to talk to me. The bins are currently overflowing because I haven't went out my way to empty them. I know it's just little things, but I've began this discussion several times and it goes... nowhere.

I want to go home for 3 weeks and just rest. I want to work to my own schedule and regain my sense of 'self' again. I know he will shut down when I suggest it, so I'm posting here to see if I'm just being unreasonable before I mention to him. I know we're a couple and we need to make decisions like this together, but I'd appreciate any advice here.

OP posts:

Toddlerteaplease · 04/02/2021 18:45

Yep. He's a man child. Get rid.

Blackdog19 · 04/02/2021 18:47

Don’t stay with him. If he’s like this a year in, it will get worse. Don’t waste what should be a great time of your life on him.

user1471543094 · 04/02/2021 18:48

My first boyfriend hit me.
So when my second didn't do that I thought he was great! For far too long I ignored all the other manchild red flags which eroded my self esteem just as much.
Eventually dumped that loser and had some valuable years on my own establishing my own worth. I so, so wish I had Mumsnet for those first relationships. They wouldn't have lasted as long.

What is there to discuss with him? You know how it will go. He'll ignore you again. Or will make an attempt for a short period, just long enough to make you hang in there another while.
No effort to see your parents? Why?? Why would you accept this to be ok?? That's so disrespectful.
He is just not that into you.

CandyLeBonBon · 04/02/2021 18:49

God my 15 year old is more of an adult than this useless waste of skin and oxygen!

Life is too short to waste on this man child. Cut loose and enjoy the freedom!

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/02/2021 18:49

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

Try telling him you need to leave now so you can self isolate/get there before any further travel restrictions are introduced - whilst he's playing CoD or whatever it is he's so fascinated by.

Bet he doesn't even hear you - or notice as you go past with your bag.

Actually, that's a really good idea. I'd skimmed over the funeral being at the end of Feb, that must feel like a long time away, when you've realised you want to leave.

Pack. Leave. Focus on your final year. Attend the funeral. Stay with your parents.

YouWontBelieveYourEyes · 04/02/2021 18:51

The previous toxic relationship is relevant because it means you don’t have your bar set high enough. Because he isn’t as bad you think that your current relationship is ok and you shouldn’t expect more, where as actually you should be setting your bar much much higher. It’s like how on here there are threads from women clearly in abusive relationships who say ‘but he doesn’t hit me’, as a measure of how good a relationship they have.

Also don’t stay with him because you’re waiting for him to change, that’s another big mistake. Google the sunk cost fallacy for relationships. He is perfectly happy with you doing the chores.

How he is now could well be the rest of your life and I wonder why you want that for yourself.

Quartz2208 · 04/02/2021 18:52

There are so many red flags here - he has barely met your parents but you have his many times.

He is living rent free - but assume you are paying.

He does no Uni work and games all time

Is a lazy manchild living off his parents really where you see your future - you know its not

CallistoSol · 04/02/2021 18:54

Please don't put up with this kind of shit. Really, you're young, so easy to go and not look back. Don't settle, ever, not this twat, or any other that has zero respect for you. Just go, take all your important stuff with you and get some space to see how awful this person is.

ktp100 · 04/02/2021 18:55

How does he treat you if you do something he's told you he doesn't like, OP?

Or do you stop doing something if he says anything?

You sound awfully accommodating and he sounds stubborn & selfish.

Going home for a month or so is a great idea, especially as you are all mourning your Grandmother and as you will be able to prioritise your studies better from there.

After a few weeks with Mum & Dad I'm sure you'll be in a better position to make decisions about how best to move forwards longer term.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 04/02/2021 19:00

He's an awful boyfriend. He's lazy and expects you to do all the womens work by the sounds of it. Why would you be willing to accept so little OP.
Not bothering with your family is another shitty thing to do. God, he's bloody awful,

Whatsnewpussyhat · 04/02/2021 19:03

You will be graduating soon. Go find a fun, exciting life away from this man.

He won't do a thing if he doesn't have to. Probably expect the bank of mum and dad to fund him.

Getting up at 3pm, playing games until bed at 5am. What are YOU there for? Someone for him to have sex with? Housekeeper?
He won't change.

YoniAndGuy · 04/02/2021 19:04

Listen to what's being posted here.

You are wasting precious time with a man who you'll look back and bitterly regret staying with.

All the things you mention aren't small, because they all point to a man who doesn't give much of a shit about anyone but himself.

You aren't a couple.

You are being trained to look after a lazy manchild.

That's not a partnership.

Retrogal · 04/02/2021 19:07

When our sons are teenagers, I think we have a responsibility to make them pull their weight at home - a bit of cleaning, a bit of cooking, a few chores so it becomes the norm for them. We have a responsibility to the future partners of our sons that they share the load and are considerate of others. Otherwise you end up with a situation like this. Poor girl. It then comes down to you to have difficult conversations to make him pull his weight because he's just not used to doing it.

ScrapThatThen · 04/02/2021 19:09

He is not a catch, it shouldn't be this hard work. Imagine a future where he is still like this but you also have kids and are doing all the shit work and probably all the breadwinning.

Nanny0gg · 04/02/2021 19:12

@Retrogal

And also so they want to do it. Because they want to be in a partnership with someone. Because that's what makes the point of a relationship

Lightwindows · 04/02/2021 19:15

You don't need his agreement to go and stay with your mum and dad, I would just go back home and have a long think about what you get from this guy. I don't think you should be living together TBH , he doesn't sound mature enough to be living with his girlfriend. Don't let this guy drag you down, you are young and don't need to waste years of your life on someone who is basically a leech, on you and his parents. Good relationships bring out the best on each partner IMO, doesn't sound like you get the best from him.

CecilyP · 04/02/2021 19:17

He goes to bed at 5am, wakes at 3pm and goes straight on the xbox. We've been on two walks together, despite me practically begging. Things were fine the first couple of months, but now I feel lonely and fairly unloved. He prioritises playing video games, and can go days without doing any University work.

It doesn’t sound as if you have any sort of life together. The early days of a relationship should be fun - even within the restrictions of Covid.

I know he will shut down when I suggest it, so I'm posting here to see if I'm just being unreasonable before I mention to him. I know we're a couple and we need to make decisions like this together, but I'd appreciate any advice here.

Im sure the decision for him to sleep from 5 am to 3 pm wasn’t one you made together. Just tell him. Even if you don’t want to break up just yet, you need to go if only to complete your uni work.

YouWontBelieveYourEyes · 04/02/2021 19:18

I would love to know what it is you love about him, does he make your heart sing?

Pinkfreesias · 04/02/2021 19:22

From what you say, he's not capable of holding an adult conversation, can't look after himself and doesn't seem at all committed to doing well in his degree so he can have a secure future. He's still behaving like a 16 year old and treats you like his mam in effect, cleaning up after him, nagging him and so on.

Please don't jeopardise your degree and your whole future on this overgrown teenager. Go home, get some routine and rest, focus on your work and find a grown up partner whenever you're ready.

C152 · 04/02/2021 19:28

@Respectabitch

God, go. And don't come back.

I know you said you don't want to split up, but unless you're willing to have a fairly casual relationship where you never live together, this relationship is going nowhere. Your boyfriend is a lazy manchild.

Look after yourself and go home. You can do better.

This!

unlikelytobe · 04/02/2021 19:43

some of the comments posted are too harsh

Nope. Just a massive heads up from women with a lifetime's experience trying to save you some pain. Stop pandering to him.

fishonabicycle · 04/02/2021 19:45

Leave and don't come back. He sounds bloody awful.

Scout2016 · 04/02/2021 19:48

So far it's just a year wasted relationship wise, sounds like you've been cracking on with life and studies otherwise, as best you can with Covid. You graduate soon and will start a new chapter of your life. At risk of sounding corny! It's a great time to move onwards and upwards, don't go having him dragging you down. You can't change him but so what? You can do better for yourself, it's his loss. Go home, rest, recalibrate and take stock of what you want to do.

rawalpindithelabrador · 04/02/2021 19:55

I said YABU. Because you're wasting your time on this bloke. You can't love someone else until you love yourself, and when you love yourself you will NEVER put up with any of this behaviour from an adult, just never.

Someone on here put it best, 'Would you trade a diamond the size of your fist for 50 quid and some NEXT vouchers?' No, then why are you doing it now? Why are you showing him love and expressing love when he's not giving you but a sliver or two?

You're falling for the fallacy of sunken costs and the classic, toxic and negative behaviour of having finished a terrible relationship and then having got into another one and stayed with it because it's not as bad as the previous dickhead - instead of having taken time out to have some counselling and self-work to avoid this trap.

He will NOT change, at least not for you.

He's NOT a partner, he's a shitty excuse for a boyfriend.

You deserve more. Get away from him and don't go back. You have no ties to this selfish, immature, loser manchild. Keep it that way.

SarahBellam · 04/02/2021 19:56

I’m sorry about your grandmother 💐

I’d suggest packing as much as you can. You can originally suggest to him that you’re going for a month and you have good reason to want to be with your family. but think carefully about staying for for the semester. It’s your final semester and arguably the most important one of your university life - you will be writing your dissertation apart from anything else. You may really benefit from having time to focus on your work without the distraction you have - they sound draining and exhausting. Perhaps a bit of distance will give both of you the chance to think about your priorities.

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