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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for wanting to move 1.5 hours back to my parents home for a month, leaving my boyfriend?

170 replies

PurpleRays · 04/02/2021 17:38

To preface, I want to stay together. I love my partner, but things have been difficult for me recently as I lost my grandmother and have been unable to see my family. We moved in together in October and it was a fairly last minute decision. We share a room, and our flatmate shares the other room. My boyfriend pays no rent as his parents own the place, and we are all a few months away from graduating.

I'm going home for a few days at the end of Feb (for a funeral), though if I'm honest, I want to go home for much longer. I've failed to set my own routine that works with my boyfriends since living here. He goes to bed at 5am, wakes at 3pm and goes straight on the xbox. We've been on two walks together, despite me practically begging. Things were fine the first couple of months, but now I feel lonely and fairly unloved. He prioritises playing video games, and can go days without doing any University work. Just now, I had to come to bed to work because he immediately came in at 4pm and put his video games on.

I'm tired with the way chores are weighed out too. I always bring up to him how I feel tasks aren't done equally, and he always shuts down and refuses to talk to me. The bins are currently overflowing because I haven't went out my way to empty them. I know it's just little things, but I've began this discussion several times and it goes... nowhere.

I want to go home for 3 weeks and just rest. I want to work to my own schedule and regain my sense of 'self' again. I know he will shut down when I suggest it, so I'm posting here to see if I'm just being unreasonable before I mention to him. I know we're a couple and we need to make decisions like this together, but I'd appreciate any advice here.

OP posts:

lazyarse123 · 04/02/2021 18:02

@Respectabitch

God, go. And don't come back.

I know you said you don't want to split up, but unless you're willing to have a fairly casual relationship where you never live together, this relationship is going nowhere. Your boyfriend is a lazy manchild.

Look after yourself and go home. You can do better.

Exactly this.

HollowTalk · 04/02/2021 18:10

Why on earth wouldn't you want to split up? Maybe it was good at the time, but this spoilt, lazy, entitled man has shown his true colours now. Get out asap and stay out.

Greenevalley · 04/02/2021 18:15

His parents own the place!
Entitled, spoilt manchild indeed..

GingerFigs · 04/02/2021 18:19

Echo what everyone else said. Do not waste your young life with him. He won't change.

And you don't need to have a discussion (that he will close down) about you going to your parents. If you want to go then go. Your life. Your decision. If he's controlling about this then you need to run. Fast.

readsalotgirl63 · 04/02/2021 18:19

As others have said please go home. Your final year at university is mentally tough and you need to focus all your energy on yourself, yor work and your future. If the people around you are not supporting you 100% then please, please don't stay with them or have them around you.

Just out of curiosity what do your family think of your boyfriend ?
Frankly I wouldn't waste time on discussion with him - pack your bags and go home NOW.

I was you about 35 years ago and my only regret is that I didnt dump him faster. My dd is now almost your age and I would be horrified if she were being treated like this or enabling such awful behaviour.

readsalotgirl63 · 04/02/2021 18:22

I should add that once I did dump him and spent a couple of years living by myself I then met now dh - who has never done anything but be my biggest cheerleader.

RootyT00t · 04/02/2021 18:22

Go. If you aren't ready to leave then you need to seriously use that month to think about whether you want to go back to this.

user234987653 · 04/02/2021 18:24

He is not necessarily a bad guy, he is clearly not ready to be a grown up though.

You obviously need more than he can offer you.

Believe me when I say, you don't want to be stuck with the job of raising your boyfriend the rest of the way to adulthood.

1, It will leave you frustrated, mentally drained, physically exhausted and thoroughly pissed off.
2, You will end up feeling like this mum...not sexy.
3, He will see you as his mum and rebel against you, making it a never-ending thankless task and probably making his behaviour worse.
4, He might not ever change because he might actually be a complete arsehole already.
5, If you do turn him into what you want and need, he will pretty much immediately leave you for someone else who will end up reaping the rewards of your hard work because children leave their mums once the hard work of raising them is finishred. He will probably cheating you with her first too.

Not worth it my young friend.
Go home to your family and leave him to look after and finish raising himself.

Fatladyslim · 04/02/2021 18:25

I voted yabu because you plan to go back

DelphiniumBlue · 04/02/2021 18:26

I don't get why you hink this is a decision you need to make together. If he doesn't "agree" that you can or should go to your parents when you want to, what will you do then?
Do what you want. Don't expect him to change. You've already mentioned how annoyed you are by his behaviour, and he hasn't altered it.
I'm not surprised that a young man who is not even old enough to have graduated, and is living in the dream in a flat paid for by his parents with a girlfriend providing services on tap, is still playing Xbox or whatever silly games on line with his friends at silly o'clock. That's what boys of that age do. Then their mums have a go at them and tell them off, and then they pick up their clothes off the floor and maybe do a few desultory tasks about the house. Then they order another pizza and back to their game. He is not a grown-up yet. I couldn't bear to share a room with one of them, and you don't have to either.
At work, my colleagues and I have a bit of a laugh moaning about whatever gross thing our student sons have done.. most of them are absolutely grim at that age. They are mostly not fit to have a girlfriend. Leave him or don't, just go home for a bit and see how you feel,focus on you. This doesn't need to be a drama.

Original poster

PurpleRays · 04/02/2021 18:26

@readsalotgirl63

Just out of curiosity what do your family think of your boyfriend ?
Frankly I wouldn't waste time on discussion with him - pack your bags and go home NOW.

Thanks to everyone for their input. I didn't expect it to get this many responses.

Regarding my parents... they like him, but my mum has met him for all of 2 minutes (yup, probably about 120 seconds) since we started dating a year ago.

During lockdown, I went to his home about 4 times (safely, and within guidelines I should add), and even went on a stay cation with his family for a few days. I have asked my boyfriend several times to make an effort with my parents and he always blames covid. I then have to remind him that I've met his parents at least 30 times by now. My parents are incredibly kind and wouldn't speak bad of him, but my dad seems to be getting frustrated that he doesn't even know the boy I live with.

God, I really hate to talk bad of him and I do feel some of the comments posted are too harsh but I think getting home and having a clear mindset is needed.

OP posts:

VinylDetective · 04/02/2021 18:27

Whoever advised you to go and not return is spot on. He’s behaving like a 12 year old. Walk away.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/02/2021 18:33

God, I really hate to talk bad of him

But he has lots of bad points. So get them out here.

some of the comments posted are too harsh

Only because you don't want to hear them - not because they aren't true.

altiara · 04/02/2021 18:33

It’s not a great idea to share a room while you’re at university, how do you study?

I’d definitely go home and not make him part of the decision making process, it’s your decision. Don’t let anyone walk all over you. If he wanted to change he would have

Travis1 · 04/02/2021 18:33

You’ve only been together a year and it’s like this?! Oh no honey no. Get out now before you end up saddled with this man child and an actual child tied to him forevermore

nimbuscloud · 04/02/2021 18:34

God, I really hate to talk bad of him and I do feel some of the comments posted are too harsh

Too harsh ? You’re joking.
Take a good clear look at your life. You are not on his list of priorities.

bigbird1969 · 04/02/2021 18:37

I said YABU due to the fact you plan to return to this man after a break at home. You are in another toxic relationship. Maybe get yourself some support to unpick why your dating this type before doing any more dating.

LongJohnLewis · 04/02/2021 18:37

Go home. Take all your stuff with you just in case.
You say you love him. I’ve been there...How much do you love yourself? Do you think your life might be better if you loved yourself a bit more?
I

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 04/02/2021 18:38

I don't think he's necessarily a bad guy, I think he's a slob and a man child. That's fine, he's still young, still at uni, if you're going to be a slob and a man child that's the time to do it.

What's unrealistic is you expecting him to to change or even worse, you changing your own hopes, dreams and expectations to fit around the crumbs he's willing to throw you.

Go home. You don't need his permission, just do it. Then you can assess whether you still want to go out with him but - and I cannot stress this enough - do not move back in with him. He's not ready for that kind of relationship. Doesn't make him evil, but if you put up with it, it does make you daft.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/02/2021 18:38

"I had an incredibly toxic relationship in the past and felt like all my above points were minute in comparison, but upon reflection, these are things I know I can't handle for a prolonged period of time."

This is extremely relevant. To be blunt, you are setting the bar for 'acceptable behaviour from current boyfriend' far too low. Maybe you used to set it higher and your ex broke it, maybe you got into that toxic relationship because you set your bar too low even then. Doesn't matter which it is, you simply do not value yourself enough if you consider your current issues with your current boyfriend to be minute. They're not, they're huge.

Pack up your stuff and go back to your family home. If you think escape will be easier if he doesn't know you won't be back - don't tell him. (I'd usually advocate for honesty, but for some occasions - maybe not.)

He knows you're going for the funeral, be vague about how long you're staying. Maybe your mum 'needs a bit of support'. Maybe you want to 'grieve together'. If he comments on how much stuff you're taking, you're 'not sure what you'll need so you're making sure whatever you need, you'll have it to hand'. Maybe you 'want stuff so you can retreat to your room and get some work done while you're there'. Maybe 'you don't think you need some of it so you're taking it back there to leave behind and free up some space here'. Have the phrases ready. Although, he frankly doesn't sound interested enough to quiz you too closely .

And as already suggested maybe look at the Freedom Programme. It may help you find out why you've found yourself in bad relationships, and prevent you from getting into another. ((hug))

TSBelliot · 04/02/2021 18:39

No one has been harsh. You already fit round his schedule, see his family and think you have to run your decision past him. He is toxic and you don’t have any barriers to protect you. Your esteem is really low and can’t grow with this man.

Your partner thinks you are the best, puts you first, cares for your family and listens rather than tells. There is no point to them otherwise.

TSBelliot · 04/02/2021 18:40

And I don’t mean to sound harsh but go home and heal and def do the freedom programme.

MintyMabel · 04/02/2021 18:43

I think I'll raise the discussion tonight, and see where it goes

Because all of a sudden he will decide he isn’t being a lazy twat?

Just leave. Otherwise you’re back here in 5 years time wondering why your husband doesn’t do any of the chores or take care of your child and people will suggest a spa day as a solution.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 04/02/2021 18:44

Try telling him you need to leave now so you can self isolate/get there before any further travel restrictions are introduced - whilst he's playing CoD or whatever it is he's so fascinated by.

Bet he doesn't even hear you - or notice as you go past with your bag.

Ellie56 · 04/02/2021 18:44

You might think you're a couple but he doesn't. He is just a selfish knob who does what he wants when he wants, without any consideration at all for you. This is not a relationship in any sense of the word.

Just because you've got rid of a Level 10 shit doesn't mean you have to put up with the Level 8 shit that comes along afterwards.

You deserve better than this. Go home and don't come back.

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