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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for wanting to move 1.5 hours back to my parents home for a month, leaving my boyfriend?

170 replies

PurpleRays · 04/02/2021 17:38

To preface, I want to stay together. I love my partner, but things have been difficult for me recently as I lost my grandmother and have been unable to see my family. We moved in together in October and it was a fairly last minute decision. We share a room, and our flatmate shares the other room. My boyfriend pays no rent as his parents own the place, and we are all a few months away from graduating.

I'm going home for a few days at the end of Feb (for a funeral), though if I'm honest, I want to go home for much longer. I've failed to set my own routine that works with my boyfriends since living here. He goes to bed at 5am, wakes at 3pm and goes straight on the xbox. We've been on two walks together, despite me practically begging. Things were fine the first couple of months, but now I feel lonely and fairly unloved. He prioritises playing video games, and can go days without doing any University work. Just now, I had to come to bed to work because he immediately came in at 4pm and put his video games on.

I'm tired with the way chores are weighed out too. I always bring up to him how I feel tasks aren't done equally, and he always shuts down and refuses to talk to me. The bins are currently overflowing because I haven't went out my way to empty them. I know it's just little things, but I've began this discussion several times and it goes... nowhere.

I want to go home for 3 weeks and just rest. I want to work to my own schedule and regain my sense of 'self' again. I know he will shut down when I suggest it, so I'm posting here to see if I'm just being unreasonable before I mention to him. I know we're a couple and we need to make decisions like this together, but I'd appreciate any advice here.

OP posts:
Santaiscovidfree · 04/02/2021 19:59

At your own admission you live with a boy..
Ltb.
Leave the boy.

CaptainSirTomMooreismyhero · 04/02/2021 20:00

To preface, I want to stay together.
Why? What are you getting out of this relationship? I'd go home and never go back to him.

Tumblebugsjump · 04/02/2021 20:02

Definitely go! That sounds incredibly depressing, and your boyfriend sounds extremely selfish. Read what you have written, what are you staying for? You're not even awake at the same time of day. Please put yourself first and go and stay with your family.

TillyTopper · 04/02/2021 20:05

Gosh being in the same room as someone with that sleep pattern seems intolerably unless you are completely have with it too. It would drive me bonkers. Personally I wouldn't bring it up with him - why bother? Just go home and kind of... fail to go back :)

DimidDavilby · 04/02/2021 20:10

You don't need to "make decisions like that" together. You've been dating a year with someone who sounds like they have very little respect for you. Do not give your independence up so easily to play at marriage with some chump.

sbhydrogen · 04/02/2021 20:12

Extremely blunt, yes, but not harsh. Unfortunately, lots of us have been in similar situations in our lives, so we're just trying to relay how it went for us. I had a relationship a bit like how yours sounds. I was so in love with him and I was totally heartbroken when we split (in 2010!), but I've since had an incredible relationship with someone who really pulls their weight and is willing to put effort in with my family and friends. I'm much happier now :)

bourbonne · 04/02/2021 20:13

You don't need to make any decisions "together as a couple" with your university boyfriend. You don't have any shared assets, responsibilities or children. Love shouldn't mean dreary obligation at your age. You're not married to this young man - thankfully.

Scout2016 · 04/02/2021 20:14

Plus, OP, I'm sure you know on some level that a partner who would just shut down when you suggest seeing your family, who you haven't been able to see and especially following a bereavement, is not a keeper.
And if you had any intention of being together long term (which I really hope you don't) then three apart weeks is naff all.

Beautiful3 · 04/02/2021 20:15

He sounds dreadful, like going out with a teenager?! Urgh. Leave and go home. I'm sorry for your loss.

billy1966 · 04/02/2021 20:16

Selfish
Lazy
Doesn't pull his weight.
No interest in spending time with you.
No interest in your family.

Your last relation was poor and because your bar and self esteem are poor you have made the same mistake with this idiot.

If you are not really careful you are on route for a tough, long life of dissatisfaction.

You love him? Exactly why.

Go home and maybe have a look at the online programme Freedom which so many reccomend on here as being very helpful to develop boundaries.

You deserve so much better than this waster.
Flowers

TheTeenageYears · 04/02/2021 20:20

Your BF is not mature enough to be in a live in relationship. Go home, do your thing, have a really long think about what you want longer term. If the relationship goes by the wayside in the meantime you have your answer really.

Beforethetakingoftoastandtea · 04/02/2021 20:23

Go and dont come back.

Vet some counselling. Ask the uni for some. Discuss why you want to be in a relationship with someone you have to ask to make an effort not only with your parent but also with you. Can you imagine him behaving like this if you went on to have a family?! Because this is what you judge him on, his actions. Not what you think he might become.

Create a list of things you want to do and achieve in your 20’s. Don't let this boring, childless man hold you back.

UnusuallyUsual · 04/02/2021 20:24

^My boyfriend pays no rent as his parents own the place^
Are you paying rent or or you expected to do the chores for living there for nothing. Either way this is not an equal loving relationship. Have my first ever LTB Flowers

Still1nLove · 04/02/2021 20:31

He is a lazy man child, he won’t change, run for the hills, you deserve better.

Take it from someone who has been in a 20 year relationship with a lazy man child. My story is:

  • when we have a baby he’ll change
  • when we move to a bigger house he’ll change
  • when I stop nagging he’ll change
  • when we have another baby he’ll change
  • when I threaten to leave him he’ll change
  • he’s back after being separated for 3 years, he says he loves me and he’s changed
  • 12 months later, he hasn’t changed!!
  • I’m filing for divorce

When someone show you who they are, pay attention, men rarely change

yearinyearout · 04/02/2021 21:07

Tbh I'd leave him and not go back, he sounds like he has the mentality of a 14 year old.

MixedUpFiles · 04/02/2021 21:15

My former university boyfriend/XH is not a bad man. He is intelligent and loves his now wife and children.

You just can’t skip ahead to living together and being super serious with someone who is still in the shifted sleep/slob phase of young adulthood that some men go through. You can’t drag him out of it or rush him through it. Some men never leave it. You can’t gamble your future on it.

harknesswitch · 04/02/2021 21:21

You can't spend that much time with him if he's going to bed at 5am and sleeping until late afternoon. What is the point of the relationship?

Take your stuff and go home. Find someone who will love, respect you and want to build a life with you

bourbonne · 04/02/2021 21:25

Or someone you can just enjoy the company of, for now. Whatever happened to the good old-fashioned notion of a lover? Someone who won't tell you what to do or make you believe you are bound to them in some contractual way, when you are just a young girl trying to finish her studies. I know fun is hard to come by these days, but lockdown won't last forever.

notalwaysalondoner · 04/02/2021 21:36

Even if you had a perfect relationship, at your age it is perfectly normal to still prioritise family and personal needs over being together 24/7. I met my DH at university aged 18 eleven years ago and in that time we’ve spent lots of time apart, including university holidays of 8 weeks long, going travelling separately, I’ve worked abroad for a few months here and there etc. We have an amazing relationship. I think it’s important to be independent to an extent, especially if you meet so young as you still need to develop as individuals as well as a couple.

But your boyfriend sounds a waste of space, if I were you I’d consider seriously not going back. As a minimum take all the time you need at home and do not feel guilt tripped into staying or rushing back sooner than you want.

readsalotgirl63 · 04/02/2021 21:43

My father loathed my boyfriend and made little secret of it which made me reluctant to leave as I didn't want to admit dad was right but I wish I'd listened. My mother concealed her dislike better but I wished afterwards that she had intervened earlier. I promised myself I would be more proactive with my own did if she was ever in a similar situation.
I suspect your parents are not comfortable and know all is not well.
Please go home. As others have said this is a decision for you alone. Please believe you do deserve better and don't settle for this excuse for a partnership. He may well become a fab young man but he is a long way from mature enough for any kind of relationship. I would be heartbroken if you were my dd.

1Morewineplease · 04/02/2021 22:06

Just go home and leave him be. You deserve much more than this.

Justanothernameonthepage · 04/02/2021 22:10

I heard the phrase 'bangmaid' and that seems to see how he treats you. He doesn't want a relationship, he wants someone to do the boring jobs who will then give him affection when he wants it. You tried talking, asking and he doesn't care enough to even try. Just pack and go and enjoy not having to consider his needs.

whittingtonmum · 04/02/2021 22:12

Go. It's a no brainer. Once you've had that rest you will be able to see it all more clearly.

nitsandwormsdodger · 04/02/2021 22:21

What does he do for you that's nice , helpful and considerate without you having to ask ?

Merryoldgoat · 04/02/2021 22:22

Posts like this always confuse me.

There’s always a ‘but I really love him’ end but I can never work out why.

The bloke clearly has zero regard for his girlfriend, never responds to requests for more reasonable behaviour and is a shit communicator, yet a seemly nice and normal young woman is clinging to him under some bizarre spell.

OP. He may well love you. You may well love him (Christ knows why) but that’s kind of irrelevant. He doesn’t want to make any sacrifice for you. He won’t engage with your family. He doesn’t share chores. Unless you want to be a complete skivvy then leave and don’t look back.