To want to hear about those kids/teens who are stoically getting on with lockdown

[DuchessFerrara]

Not taking a pop at young people with SEN or MH issues. It must be heartbreaking to watch them endure the isolation and frustration of lockdown.

I would like to hear about the DC who, like my Yr11, don't feel as though their lives have been decimated. Aren't aggrieved to be making sacrifices for the "oldies". Don't feel their education has been wasted because their exams have been cancelled.

I'd love to hear about those DC who are knuckling down to their studies without too much complaint, are optimistic for the future and are - for the most part - pleasant to be around.

My teens are ok , do their college work at home go out for walks with friends. They are bored want to get back to ordinary lives , so do I . But day to day we plod along . It's difficult but far from disastrous.

It is not a competition.

Some will cope, some will not.

What you seem to be implying is that there is virtue in coping. This type of thinking usually comes from people who are self righteous and cannot empathise past their own experience of life.

What you seem to be implying is that there is virtue in coping. This type of thinking usually comes from people who are self righteous and cannot empathise past their own experience of life.

I don't think it's a virtue but I definitely believe having the ability to cope in adversity is a positive attribute. For some it comes easily, for others it takes courage and determination.

I've not seen anyone on this thread sneer at young people who are struggling so I don't understand why you are throwing insults around.

I don't understand why you are throwing insults around.

Probably an inability to empathise past their own experience 😂

I don't think it's a virtue but I definitely believe having the ability to cope in adversity is a positive attribute

But that is a very lofty opinion to have.

you wouldn't believe what yr13 DC has already had to go through/deal with, and his ability to have got up and carry on had me in awe, (he has and should be supported through MH situations like you would support anybody with physical wounds/disorders/accidents/disability) but according to you because he is now struggling with lock down he is somehow less resilient, not as well with copying with averse, changing circumstances?

I think Eeeemac is right and spot on with this paragraph

What you seem to be implying is that there is virtue in coping. This type of thinking usually comes from people who are self righteous and cannot empathise past their own experience of life

Also it doesn't matter what DC have or haven't been through previously, we all reacted differently to different situations, some may cope with other adverse situations different to this.

but according to you because he is now struggling with lock down he is somehow less resilient, not as well with copying with averse, changing circumstances?

I think you are misinterpreting things.

Mine is fine, the lessons are much better organised this time. He runs every day, and speaks to his mates on line. Misses his grandparents though, but generally OK.

I don't think it's a virtue but I definitely believe having the ability to cope in adversity is a positive attribute

But how do you define “coping”?

Expressing feelings, including negative ones does not mean that someone is not coping. It means they’re expressing how they feel.

My dcs have tears and tantrums during home schooling - I see that as them letting it out and we work through those feelings. I’d rather take that approach than them being quiet and getting on, even if inside they may actually be struggling.

My 2 boys are fine. They are year 11 and year 7. They are a bit bored, but it is minor. Before lockdown, they had a very long commute to school and were exhausted. They miss friends but talk to them online and TBH they are good mates so they are happy to just hang out with each other.

Their school is providing very good remote learning so that helps. With the lack of commute and lack of extracurricular activities, they are getting a good rest and my year 11 has more time and energy to get on with his GCSE work without all the stress.

I'm lucky because they just get on with it. I ask them what/ how they are doing but apart from making lunch I haven't had to do anything. Parents evenings have been fine so they are doing what they say there are and not sciving off.

What is so wrong with seeing something as a virtue or a positive attribute? We do it all the time - sociable, articulate, the ability to do X,
Y or Z... it doesn't mean that it is a failing to lack these particular attributes.

Why is a positive thread about how some children are coping so wrong? When did being positive become so bad?

It's ridiculous.

I can see why there are sensitivities around perceived smugness here. But surely if we want to understand why some children are struggling, there is virtue in trying to understand why others aren't? And I also agree that there are unfortunately all sorts of agendas involved in the way that the MH situation is presented in the media - from people seeking to justify their own opinions, or pursue their own ends, or attack others.

Why is being positive always labelled "smug" though? Many have made it very clear that it is sad to see so many struggling.

It's the same with pretty much any positive thread though, very much "you can't say that, it's so smug and lacking with empathy for those who aren't/can't". I would say that, if there is any lack of empathy, it is equal on both sides.

Whilst my children are coping, I am not. Threads like this where we can't even be pleased that our children are doing OK don't help.

My child isn't being stoical, but she just enjoys the positives of being at home - half an hour extra in bed, no stressy boisterousness, the ability to get on with her work without annoying interruptions from those who just cannot behave. The opportunity to grab her own lunch from the kitchen without a five mile queue! Lessons consisting of a mix of live tuition and set tasks work very well. There was some talk after the first lockdown of examining why for some children NOT being at school worked so well for them - and whether we can learn from that...... Appreciate very much however that she is warm, fed, has all the IT she needs and there is no major anxiety in the house.

My 2 teens are coping well and keeping up with schoolwork and are mostly cheerful. They keep in touch with friends online and get outside for exercise a few times a week.

BUT this is no way for teenagers (or anyone) to live. They have no social lives/no clubs or activities (zoom isn't the same)/ no part time jobs/ no growing independence by going out with friends/ uncertainty about their exams and futures.

This is no way to live. It's like a half life.

I’ve posted on here re positive change but why would I need empathy?

It’s ok to say dc are fine but where it is too much is to imply other people are somehow doing it wrong. I think I’m lucky school had stepped up. I see the change from that. Very hard if people haven’t or other reasons.

That’s to lack of empathy on both sides. I don’t need it. Why would you if it’s all going well

Gotta I agree with you on that

My teen is doing better this time around because she has college work to do, and a focus, although she's struggling academically in some areas.
She didn't cope so well last year in year 11 when exams were cancelled and basically they were released from school with nothing. I got one phonecall from the school to check on 'welfare' and we went to the socially distanced exam results collection. All the too-ing and fro-ing over GCSEs took it's toll as well, not knowing how they would be graded.
Never really been one for going out much, but she is missing the interaction of college and the independence I think, having had a one term taster so to speak.
I'm proud of how she's coped with it, I don't think that makes me smug, I am not dismissive of other people's struggles, I know they're real, I have my own struggles, just different ones.

My 7 yr old DD has been great. I thought she would struggle not being at school and seeing her friends, but she seems so happy. She has only been upset once as she misses her cousins, even though we still see them at least once a week as they live in the next street and are in our bubble.

As I said yr11 DC is quite happy and laid back.

I wouldn't say is any better a dealing with adverse changes though, just his ability to deal with this situation is better.

until the OP was challenged on why she started the thread I didn't think it was a thread to put down those DC that aren't coping so well, but her response was not what I was expecting, hence why I posted a second time.

@MarshaBradyo

That’s to lack of empathy on both sides. I don’t need it. Why would you if it’s all going well

Everyone needs empathy, it's an understanding of how someone is feeling, not limited to bad experiences.

It is an astounding lack of empathy to try and bring someone down or tell them their positivity is wrong.

Anyway, I'm done. It's actually quite upsetting.

I didn't mean that people were being smug (I'm one who posted that my kids are fine), just that where people are really struggling and feeling very sensitive I can see why they might perceive smugness where it doesn't exist.

I don’t think positivity is wrong but I would align empathy with compassion and sympathy.

Anyway if you are having a hard time then that’s not good either. I’m sure people would extend understanding around that.

The big emphasis in the press and most places is about people struggling. That’s because loads of people are, but of course it’s not the only experience.

Those who find themselves with a different experience, can start to wonder if they are odd or missing something that’s going on under the surface. It can get to the point where people think their child OUGHT to be struggling and start HH ting about for signs or even almost encouraging it. That kid of thing can happen if people are unable to talk to others or are isolated and can’t discuss their own experience. I see this thread as an opportunity for those whose children are getting on well at the moment to just talk about that and find out they are not alone.

The thread title is very much about people in that position. It’s not a boast nor a criticism of others, just wanting to talk with others who seem to be having a similar experience. Of course, on an internet discussion, people not in that experience will also join and some people will take offence or see what is said as a criticism of themselves.

It is right not to boast or to imply criticism of others, but there also do need to be places where people who are getting on okay and even doing extremely well can talk about those things safely and honestly, without fear of people who don’t find themselves in the same position shouting them down or complaining that they dare to speak, when there are others not enjoying a positive experience.

Context for discussion is everything I think. In real life, it would be insensitive to go to a WeightWatchers group as a skinny person and talk about how you could eat loads and not gain weight, or never felt hungry. In a group for skinny people, those comments would be fine. In real life, a support group for those who have kids with mental health struggles, would draw in people in similar situations to empathise with each, as would a group for children with high IQs. The person with a child with a very low IQ would be unlikely to go to the group with high IQs and wouldn’t enjoy it if they did..it’s not there to support them.

But online, when people try to discuss/look for support about a particular experience, people with a very different experience always pile in and shout loudly that their experience is different, particularly if it’s worse. On one level you just have to expect it and accept that people do t see or understand context, but it is still quite annoying when everything must be derailed to their agenda, rather than people being allowed to discuss and find support for the area they want to talk about.