Teacher's comment to DC

[Imgonnadance]

My 6 year old is still attending school and today he innocently asked another child in his bubble why he doesn’t live with his dad. The teacher heard this and scolded him saying you mustn't ask that as it is rude.
I think she is being ridiculous and at age 6 these are innocent questions that children ask. If the boy had been left to answer he probably would have answered like a 6 year old and said his parents don't live together and that would have been the end of it. Instead she's made it a taboo subject for the other boy and confused my child as he didnt understand why the question would be rude.

So AIBU to think this was a bad way to handle this conversation? Should she not at least have explained why she thought it was a rude question? Do you think it is a rude question from a 6 year old?

It could have been a great opportunity to discuss with a bunch is six year olds that families come in different shapes and sizes.

Because of course the other child wouldn't be at all uncomfortable with having his family circumstances turned into a learning opportunity for the whole class.

Because of course the other child wouldn't be at all uncomfortable with having his family circumstances turned into a learning opportunity for the whole class.

Exactly.

“Some families have two dads”... but not Bob, his dad died.

“Some families have just one parent”... like Bob, his dad died.

It wasn’t the time or the place. The 6 year old just needed to be told to stop.

Just to say, as a teacher (in a previous school I worked in) I had similar situations in my class before and was always told (ordered?) by Senior Leadership 'If any child asks about X situation, just shut it down. No dialogue or discussion." So the teacher may not have had a choice...

The teacher may also have panicked about the discussions getting out of control. It's hard when you don't know the full context. Child A might ask Child B why their dad doesn't live at home, Child B might be fine answering or they might not, but Child C (who is sitting nearby) might chime in about their own family situation which involves safeguarding issues etc. Although I don't agree that just saying 'It's rude' is the best reaction, sometimes in the real world, it's just easier to shut these things down in the moment.

You couldn’t be more wrong...I know all too well how to run a busy classroom, which is why I know if a teacher/ta overheard a conversation like that, and felt that intervention was needed, then a conversation would happen. Also, given schools are ‘closed’ at the moment, there are less children and more time for conversations like this, especially if it would impact on the well-being of either child. You’re implying the conversation would take a whole lesson, whereas the point could be made promptly and then move on.
Conversations like this happen all the time in primary schools, the key is knowing when to let children find their own way and when to step in and support.

Not read all the responses your son sounds fab, their are plenty of people out their that dont like their dad, just read the boards on here- teacher sounds emotionally constipated tbf.

@UserEleventyNine

It could have been a great opportunity to discuss with a bunch is six year olds that families come in different shapes and sizes.

Because of course the other child wouldn't be at all uncomfortable with having his family circumstances turned into a learning opportunity for the whole class.

Agree

@AStudyinPink

Because of course the other child wouldn't be at all uncomfortable with having his family circumstances turned into a learning opportunity for the whole class.

Exactly.

“Some families have two dads”... but not Bob, his dad died.

“Some families have just one parent”... like Bob, his dad died.

It wasn’t the time or the place. The 6 year old just needed to be told to stop.

Really is that how you expect your child’s teacher to behave? Is that how you explain things to your child?

This was a missed learning opportunity for the whole class - including the other boy. The teacher could have enveloped OP child’s question with a much bigger question of ‘what does a family look like^? They could have discussed two mums, two dads, grandparents living in the home, just mum in the home, just dad in the home and also living at some one else’s home ( foster kids)

I taught kids for ten years. Often lessons can go off on a tangent because of one very interesting question that would benefit the whole class. The discussion didn’t have to centre on the other boy but as a group they could have discussed how different families look as a whole.

Really is that how you expect your child’s teacher to behave? Is that how you explain things to your child?

Yes.

It’s not a missed opportunity

Do it another time when the boy isn’t part of the discussion

This was a missed learning opportunity for the whole class - including the other boy. The teacher could have enveloped OP child’s question with a much bigger question of ‘what does a family look like^? They could have discussed two mums, two dads, grandparents living in the home, just mum in the home, just dad in the home and also living at some one else’s home ( foster kids)

People have already explained why, depending on the situation, this might not have been appropriate and at worst would have hurt the other child. If something serious has happened in his family and he is already feeling vulnerable, it’s not a “learning opportunity”, it is a moment to safeguard that child and move on.

Like with all AIBUs like this, you weren’t there.
You assume that your child ‘innocently asked’ why the other child didn’t have a dad. You say that the teacher ‘scolded him’. You only have your child’s side of what happened.
Perhaps your child asked it in a rude tone of voice. Six year olds are not known for their extreme tact.
Just because the child is regularly picked up by their dad, doesn’t mean everything is rosy. I know kids that are really struggling with relationship breakdowns. If a child asked them why they didn’t live with their dad, I would shut the conversation down for that child’s sake.

I don't think the child was being rude. I think the teacher was right in stopping the question so the boy didn't feel he had to answer but it could have been done very differently. Also if the teacher had been kinder about it, maybe the boy would have felt safe enough to say, its OK miss I don't mind answering. By the teacher acting like this she scared and confused the child asking the question and also probably made the boy being asked feel as though there was something wrong and "rude" with the way his family is.

If I was in her shoes I would have just explained that not all children live with their mums and dad's. That maybe the fact that his dad doesn't live with him might be upsetting for him or maybe he has died. It's something we don't ask as we don't know what kind of feelings it will bring up and we don't want to upset anyone.

For a child though, it's not rude. It is a learning opportunity and the teacher maybe should have used it as such.

This was a missed learning opportunity for the whole class - including the other boy. The teacher could have enveloped OP child’s question with a much bigger question of ‘what does a family look like^? They could have discussed two mums, two dads, grandparents living in the home, just mum in the home, just dad in the home and also living at some one else’s home ( foster kids)

Jesus wept.
Then we’d have that child’s mum on here.
My child’s upsetting life experiences were used as a teaching opportunity - AIBU to complain about the teacher?
She would not be being unreasonable.

For a child though, it's not rude. It is a learning opportunity and the teacher maybe should have used it as such.

The question is rude. The only excuse is that the child didn’t know (because he’s young). Now he knows.

It was a rude question. Surely you just tell your child “it is rude to ask people personal questions” and move on. It would have been easier if the teacher had said that straight off, but it’s not worth making a fuss over.

@AStudyinPink

For a child though, it's not rude. It is a learning opportunity and the teacher maybe should have used it as such.

The question is rude. The only excuse is that the child didn’t know (because he’s young). Now he knows.

Yeah now he know never to never ask a question in school

@Nuffaluff

This was a missed learning opportunity for the whole class - including the other boy. The teacher could have enveloped OP child’s question with a much bigger question of ‘what does a family look like^? They could have discussed two mums, two dads, grandparents living in the home, just mum in the home, just dad in the home and also living at some one else’s home ( foster kids)

Jesus wept.
Then we’d have that child’s mum on here.
My child’s upsetting life experiences were used as a teaching opportunity - AIBU to complain about the teacher?
She would not be being unreasonable.

This is what is wrong with the British culture. Emotionally stunted adults raising emotionally stunted children.

How the hell are we supposed to teach emotional intelligence when kids are told to not ask questions because it’s ‘considered’ rude by adult expectations.

Teacher sounds crap.

@Imgonnadance

He obviously has asked me why it was rude and I struggled to answer to be honest. I dont think it is a rude question for a child to ask. I told him his friend may feel sad that he doesn’t live with his dad and that may be why the teacher said it is a rude question but other than that I didnt know what to say as I dont agree with the teacher

Just say it's rude to ask personal questions. What's so hard about that? 🤷🏽‍♀️

[quote Wenolikeexplodeythings]@SarahAndQuack

I'm not advocating banning the questions or discussions. I'm saying they should happen in people's own homes, or group discussions in school were no one is being put on the spot or singled out. It's the asking the child, "why dont you live with your dad" that isnt ok.

There should be family topics were it is talked about as a class, there should be giving talks if children want to, were it again can be discussed as a class. Every family should be having these discussions at home. Even single parent families have kids who dont understand why another kid would feel sad if they has to answer that question because they themselves have never felt sad.

But as some people on this thread have shown, the idea of single parent families doeant even exist on their radar so they've never mentioned it to their kids. Those kids will be the ones who put that child on the spot. It should be dealt with way before it gets to that point.

All kids should feel safe in saying "I live with my mum/grandparents/dad" and not feel ashamed and not have to worry about hands going up too ask were the missing family member is, because their peers should have been taught already that it's just family.[/quote]
This not just with bells on, with bloody car horns on.

I think you’re being really quite insensitive OP if you’re now insinuating a six year old will be freely happy to discuss his parents’ being divorced.

It just is what it is, teach your boy that some live with mummy, some with daddy, some with mummy and daddy, some with two mummies, two daddies, some with Nana, some live with Aunties, Uncles, temporary grown ups who look after them until a new family can be found but that you shouldn’t ask why.

Even six year olds can grasp that some questions are personal and can make people upset and embarrassed. If he has questions he can ask you!

Yeah now he know never to never ask a question in school confused

No he doesn’t. He knows some questions are personal, and personal questions are rude. He’s 6, not 2. He can work out what “personal” means or he can ask. If this makes him stop and think, “Do I have a right to know this?” rather than asking the potentially hurtful question of a peer, then good.

How the hell are we supposed to teach emotional intelligence when kids are told to not ask questions because it’s ‘considered’ rude by adult expectations.

That’s how we teach it. They need to learn that asking whatever you like because you want to know isn’t emotionally intelligent, it’s insensitive and self-centred.

This was a missed learning opportunity for the whole class - including the other boy. The teacher could have enveloped OP child’s question with a much bigger question of ‘what does a family look like^? They could have discussed two mums, two dads, grandparents living in the home, just mum in the home, just dad in the home and also living at some one else’s home ( foster kids)

Surely this needs to be carefully planned though, not an ad hoc conversation. I am a TA so I also know what it is really like in a classroom (I think it was you that said they worked in a school so knew what it was like in a busy classroom) and we have had this conversation in response to something that happened at school. But we did it several weeks later, after we’d thought it through, decided whether it was something we needed to address, considered all the children and their situations to ensure we didn’t inadvertently say something upsetting for one of them, and planned for what we wanted the children to take home from it. It’s too sensitive to just randomly do as an off the hoof conversation, dragging in the whole class after a comment from one child.

I also second the poster who said we don’t know exactly how things played out. We don’t know exactly what the OP’s son said, so we don’t know if it came across as hurtful or innocent or anything else. We don’t know exactly what the teacher said. He reported it as being told off but children have different perceptions of that. I asked a child the other day not to react with very vocal disappointment when a particular child ended up on his team in football. I spoke to him quietly, on his own away from the rest much later on, I didn’t get cross, I even told him I wasn’t cross with him but I needed him to think about how he would feel if someone reacted like that if he got chosen. He said he’d feel sad, so I said we should try and make sure that we don’t make someone else feel sad. He told his Mum he’d been in trouble.

So unless we know exactly how the conversation went it’s hard to comment. If they were in the middle of playtime and the teacher heard and said “DO NOT ask that, how dare you?” Then she is very unreasonable. If it was the middle of maths and she said “It’s a bit rude to be talking about that in the middle of maths” then there’s no problem.

-This is what is wrong with the British culture. Emotionally stunted adults raising emotionally stunted children.

How the hell are we supposed to teach emotional intelligence when kids are told to not ask questions because it’s ‘considered’ rude by adult expectations.

Teacher sounds crap.-

You really think six year olds want to talk about why their parents aren’t together? Asking about another child’s family set up hardly is going to enrich the mind of OP’s son. It’s about teaching children decorum and some chuffing respect for their friend’s privacy. Might seem unnecessary at six, it won’t at sixteen when he gets the reputation of always sticking his oar in where it’s not wanted.

Or do you pour information about your personal life to all who ask you?

OP, if you weren't there, how can you be so sure it was asked innocently? Maybe he did ask in a rude way, like he was making fun, or in a context where it seemed rude. The teacher was there, and she was in a better position to judge.

I love that an out of context quote from a teacher, that no one knows that background to, can lead to 8 pages of debate and the teacher being labelled as crap.

Maybe the teacher was trying to protect the child in question. None of you know the circumstances.