Teacher's comment to DC

[Imgonnadance]

My 6 year old is still attending school and today he innocently asked another child in his bubble why he doesn’t live with his dad. The teacher heard this and scolded him saying you mustn't ask that as it is rude.
I think she is being ridiculous and at age 6 these are innocent questions that children ask. If the boy had been left to answer he probably would have answered like a 6 year old and said his parents don't live together and that would have been the end of it. Instead she's made it a taboo subject for the other boy and confused my child as he didnt understand why the question would be rude.

So AIBU to think this was a bad way to handle this conversation? Should she not at least have explained why she thought it was a rude question? Do you think it is a rude question from a 6 year old?

I think it is your job to explain to your ds that it’s not appropriate to ask questions like that. Six is definitely old enough to know there are things you ask and things you don’t. I hope you took the time to talk to your ds about why the teacher said that.

I think you're very mistaken in thinking 6 year olds can't be rude to other children. They are quite astute. My reception age son was badly bullied, in reception, in a supposedly lovely school, by year 1 children.
'You dont have a dad' is a major one. They also care about labels and money. The privileged ones can be very mean.

It was an innocent question and the teacher appears to have handled it strangley. I taught infants for 16yrs and if have used it for a discussion on how people might feel by certain questions, and also how all families are different.
I Did wonder if maybe the child he asked had had recent upset ie separation of parents /death of dad /dad in prison, and teacher was being over protective.

I have no idea how the OP knows how the question was asked if she hasn't heard it from the teacher too. Maybe it was rude. Maybe he asked more than once, or interrupted or goodness knows what.
The assumption is that he asked 'innocently' but a six year old probably didn't use that word so you can't be sure. They can cover their embarrassment though, so could well have reframed the event.
The man dropping this child at school may not be his father.
I am also really surprised a 6 year old wouldn't already know it is rude to ask such a personal question.

No it’s not a rude question and the teacher handled it poorly and made your son feel like he’d done something bad and probably made him feel bad about himself, those saying she told had told him “it’s not of your business” - utterly pathetic- who would say that to a six year old child?! She could have explained to him, like any normal adult would have done - especially someone whose meant to be a professional that the other boy perhaps didn’t want to talk about that as it’s a private matter etc or something like that - and that’s only if she’s aware of something - if she’s not then the other boy may have just been quite happy to answer the question. Some of the replies on here are ridiculous! I also like you feel she should have handled it a lot better. She’s made an innocent chat between 2 children into something bad and made your son feel guilty and he’s got no idea what’s he done wrong and the answer is he hasn’t done anything wrong!

You weren’t there at the time. You don’t know how the teacher spoke to your child, so saying he was scolded isn’t fair.
Also, it isn’t a polite question. Children need to be told when they say something impolite.

It is rude and really none of his business! Im guessing in your ds world his mummy and daddy lives all happily together and he doesn't know any different. In that sense you could understand why he asked. BUT it is still not a question to go around asking people.
The teacher definitely does know more and that's why she jumped in from sparing the other child from upset.
Instead of being upset at the teacher, use this to teach your child that there are some sensitive questions and things that really are not any of his business.

So, how do you know this happened this way? A one sided story from your 6 year old? I find it strange you think the teacher could have taken your child aside and explained why later on, the teacher doesn't owe your child an explanation (as per your earlier comment). Just explain that families come in all shapes and sizes at home, this is on you, and not a teacher to explain.

@Imgonnadance

My 6 year old is still attending school and today he innocently asked another child in his bubble why he doesn’t live with his dad. The teacher heard this and scolded him saying you mustn't ask that as it is rude. I think she is being ridiculous and at age 6 these are innocent questions that children ask. If the boy had been left to answer he probably would have answered like a 6 year old and said his parents don't live together and that would have been the end of it. Instead she's made it a taboo subject for the other boy and confused my child as he didnt understand why the question would be rude.

So AIBU to think this was a bad way to handle this conversation? Should she not at least have explained why she thought it was a rude question? Do you think it is a rude question from a 6 year old?

Not unreasonable at all. Probably the teacher piling in because of possible (perceived) repercussions if she didn't

@DipSwimSwoosh

I have no idea how the OP knows how the question was asked if she hasn't heard it from the teacher too. Maybe it was rude. Maybe he asked more than once, or interrupted or goodness knows what. The assumption is that he asked 'innocently' but a six year old probably didn't use that word so you can't be sure. They can cover their embarrassment though, so could well have reframed the event. The man dropping this child at school may not be his father. I am also really surprised a 6 year old wouldn't already know it is rude to ask such a personal question.

Children do ask odd, direct questions like that, which adults view as rude because they would be thought of as rude if they - the adult - asked it. ASD people can be like this too and look how they are are harangued for being non-neurotypical

@Imgonnadance

Or maybe the boy who talks about his dad and gets dropped to school by him would have been fine with the question but the teacher has her own personal feelings about the subject and reacted that way?

What a reach. You’re presuming you know about this child’s background, and that he would have been perfectly happy explaining you have no idea, unfortunately. I would have said to your DS that people’s families look very different and that we don’t tend to ask people why. I think the fact that you’re basically saying “there’s no trauma there and so it must be the teacher projecting” is weird.

It's a bit of an odd question from a six year old as you've obviously brought him up to think that living with 2 parents is the norm. Very much not the case in many classes.

So instead of being PO about what the teacher may or may not have said, start to look at the messages you are giving in the home.

Teacher said not to ask that question; your son has asked you why- as a parent you can explain why.

It wasn’t the right time for the teacher to explain to a 6 year old about it, epically in front of other children.

That child could be living in a refuge for all we know.

@StepOutOfLine

I don’t think it’s an odd question, as someone who’s still with my children’s dad I don’t think I would bring up that subject to a 6 year old without having a reason to.

That isn't what the child is learning, though. He hasn't learnt that asking the question might hurt his schoolmates feelings. He's simply learnt that it's taboo to ask. Which makes it appear, to both boys, that not living with one's father is itself a bit problematic and not something that you talk about in polite society.

In which case it’s easy for the mum to explain that asking personal questions is rude because it risks hurting someone’s feelings, and that wouldn’t be kind. Keep it age-appropriate but definitely teach them “not your business”, because it’s important.

Explain to your kid that it's a personal questions and the teacher was trying to help the other child who might not have wanted to talk about it. The teacher probably knows the reason behind the answer to this question and simply reacted quickly to protect the other child.

MN - where children are expected to be live by adult standards

OP he wasn’t rude. He was just inquisitive which most six year olds are.

It could have been a great opportunity to discuss with a bunch is six year olds that families come in different shapes and sizes. No child especially a six year old should be shamed for asking a question in school.

The teacher inadvertently gave OP child the first grain in to believing that mum + dad in same house = Good. Mum + Dad not in house = Bad.

Society needs to move away from that.

MN - where children are expected to be live by adult standards confused

No, where children are being taught adult standards, in a gradual and age-appropriate way.

No child especially a six year old should be shamed for asking a question in school.

This is a certain route to raising young adults who don’t know what good manners look like. You have to start when they are young or it doesn’t work. And that’s not ‘shaming’, it’s just correcting.

I think rude was a poor choice of a word. Maybe a personal question would be better. Its so common for children to be in single parent families so it does seem an overeaction from the teacher - but my first thought was its likely this child has a very sad or complicated reason why he is only with one parent and maybe the teacher was trying to stop the child feeling the need to answer.

The question can be rude without the child being rude. Your son's intentions were innocent as he didn't realise the question might cause distress. But you have to learn, as you grow up, what is and is not socially appropriate. Better to learn at six, an age where innocence is expected, than never be told and grow up into a boorish, nosy adult.

Children unintentionally do rude and offensive things all the time. The trick is to avoid the knee jerk reaction to take offense and scold and instead gently explain that you know they meant no harm, but in the future they shouldn't do x for y reason. A teacher should be well versed in this, so I think this teacher behaved inappropriately toward your son.

If your son is upset, it might help for you to explain this all to him, why his question could hurt his classmate's feelings, and explain that sometimes adults react badly to things that children do without meaning to harm anyone. Ideally the teacher would apologize but she probably won't. Then move on so your son won't dwell on this.

It is rude, your son obviously didn't mean it to be or realise but it doesn't change that it's a rude question. The teacher is right to say that and it should be you explaining to your child families come in shapes and sizes. You shouldn't have struggled to explain to your child why it's rude and instead just explained the boy in question may not have wanted to answer the question as it's a delicate subject and to ask in front of people so to speak was rude.
It's not down to the teacher or child to explain the different types of families, you are a parent, this is something you can explain.

The teacher could have been more tactful but your response and your droning on and on and on still thinking she was wrong is ridiculous.

Get over it, OP. And teach your son not to ask personal questions.

It's a non issue.

My mum died when my youngest brother was 5 so if asked that question would have had to answer that his mum was dead. That was obviously a painful subject.

Unless you know for sure that the answer would have been innocuous and not upsetting to the child asked it may be that the teacher was trying to prevent another child being sad.