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Original poster

MiL overjoyed that we’re expecting a boy

158 replies

Circumlocutious · 03/02/2021 04:22

We already have one DD.

She found out last week that it (looks like) we’re expecting a boy, and revealed to me how delighted she is that they’re now going to have a grandson (from a son...they already have 3 from DH’s sister), that she’s been secretly wishing and praying for a boy, and asking her close friends to do the same (!) And the congratulatory tone to me, as though it’s some kind of achievement on my end...and presumably a failure if it had been a girl.

When we chatted after the 20 week scan with DD, she spent a good time on the phone speaking in a consoling tone about all the virtues and redeeming qualities of girls, as though it’s something that I was feeling bad about (it wasn’t!), instead of her projecting onto me.

Sure, it’s nice that we’ll hopefully have one of each gender (will probably stop at 2), but that’s nothing to do with this fixation on having some kind of male heir Hmm

I’m fucked off at this sexism and at the forthcoming, fawning overinvestment in her grandson.

OP posts:
Matildalamp · 04/02/2021 17:44

Somebody please tell me what SupermarketStress said Grin

IvysPoison · 04/02/2021 17:47

@JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson

She's excited and engaged with your pregnancy and her future grandchild. There is nothing to be gained from being fucked off at the situation. As long as she treats both of your DC equally once DS arrives then I think you can let this one go.

then when we found out that our next child was a boy, my dh thought it would be a good idea (against my better judgement) to pretend that we were having another girl.

This is incredibly weird. Were you testing them? Of course their reaction was going to be more extreme after that.

Firstly, I specifically said that my dh did it against my better judgement so it was nothing to do with me.

Secondly, no it wasn't a test. It was just my dh being silly and thinking it would be funny.

Thirdly, regardless of the situation (because they didn't realise it was him being silly) their first reaction was one of disappointment because our child was a girl. That reaction doesn't change just because my dh behaved like a complete knob. They cried because they thought I was having anothet girl.

IvysPoison · 04/02/2021 17:48

@ThanksItHasPockets I didn't lie. My dh was being silly and thought it was funny. I didn't say anything at all because I wasn't involved in the phone call Confused

MagratsDanglyCharms · 04/02/2021 17:54

I'd be SO tempted to tell them his surname will be your maiden name just to see their faces (assuming that its the family name issue that is driving this!) :D But I'm a little tinker like that! hehehe... congratulations! :)

MachineBee · 04/02/2021 18:04

I had DDs in the 80s and used to get fed of the air of superiority or pity from some mothers of sons at the school gate because I didn’t have any boys. I hated the general throwaway comments many made about girls ‘being difficult’.

I’m so pleased this attitude has largely disappeared, at least from younger generations- I have a DGD now and my DDs express disbelief at what I experienced when they were young.

33goingon64 · 04/02/2021 18:04

If the sex didn't matter to me then I wouldn't have found out the sex in the first place and I certainly wouldn't have told anyone.

EmilySpinach · 04/02/2021 18:06

@MachineBee

I had DDs in the 80s and used to get fed of the air of superiority or pity from some mothers of sons at the school gate because I didn’t have any boys. I hated the general throwaway comments many made about girls ‘being difficult’.

I’m so pleased this attitude has largely disappeared, at least from younger generations- I have a DGD now and my DDs express disbelief at what I experienced when they were young.

As PP have said, it hasn’t disappeared really. It’s simply been swapped so that the pity is now directed at mums of boys. That’s no improvement.
MsHedgehog · 04/02/2021 18:12

Yeah that is annoying. My MIL went on and on about how nice it is that our firstborn will be a boy... Like what?! Why does it matter?!

She's a retired GP, but her sexist attitudes still come through.

Hamster0001 · 04/02/2021 18:12

My mil had 3 boys and when I was pregnant with my first she wanted me to have a girl. We found out on the 20 week scan I was expecting a girl. We told her I was having a boy and she was really disappointed. She literally went silent and asked if they'd made a mistake. It really peed me off. Then we told her we were having a girl and she was so happy.
That was 6 years ago and it still makes me mad that she wasn't happy with a grandson.
So I sympathise with you massively.

Theoldwrinkley · 04/02/2021 18:32

The lot of the sex of a baby has to be taken in the context of the time. But it can be very annoying. My brother (only Male out of 4 cousins) was left significantly more (double) in the will of grandmother, because he was a boy. He was also provided with funding for private education etc. Acceptable to a degree in those days (before sexual equality laws etc) but aggravating even so.

DagenhamRoundhouse · 04/02/2021 18:49

My MIL used to often say she was so glad she'd had two boys. I never really understood why. I think it was a kind of veiled insult but she was a woman herself so why?

Flatoutonsofa · 04/02/2021 18:50

It's really silly but MILs often say silly things. My MIL is an absolute expert in saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Ignore her. Unless of course she starts ignoring your DD, in which case she'll need a good talking to.

grubblyplank · 04/02/2021 19:05

My FIL did this after my second DD - some bull about continuing the family name Hmm

Gilly12345 · 04/02/2021 20:07

If I were you I would just tell her that you are just happy to be having another child, the sex of the baby is irrelevant and as long as the baby is healthy and loved then that is all that matters.

niugboo · 04/02/2021 20:11

She by any chance a mum of boys? My MIL is and she’s exactly like this. Toxic jealousy because she doesn’t have a daughter.

welliguessitwouldbenice · 04/02/2021 20:19

Better having gender disappointment from grandparents than parents, the latter of which you depressingly often here. And usually in favour if girls

Celestine70 · 04/02/2021 20:19

Tell her the boy will be taking your maiden name 😏

angelfacecuti75 · 04/02/2021 20:42

I think she probably had a son , and is excited to have a grandson because she had a boy herself and she identifies that experience maybe? If she hadn't been nice to your dd* or favours the boy as he grows up that's different, but perhaps she is just excited , told you she secretly wanted a grandson all along and this "confession" has sparked doubt in you as to whether she doesn't want a granddaughter and whether she will love it as much as grandson/is sexist but just identified with having a boy more because she has one. She probably did want a grandson . But she has expressed excitement and I think that's a good thing rather than bad , as it means you'll have a bit of support for yourself , so don't worry maybe . You could always do some digging to see what she really meant though .

TurquoiseDragon · 04/02/2021 20:52

@StillMedusa

The view 'it's a generation thing' is probably viable if the grandparent is 80 + but not really if they are younger... most grandparents to be rte going to be 50-60, not elderly!!!

When I was born my grandfather asked if my parents were disappointed that I was a girl (they weren't)..but that was over 50 years ago! I'm going to be a grandparent for the first time in 10 weeks time..I'm in my 50s, and find it quite strange that I might be excused a preference due to my age!
I'm just hoping my dd2 has a gentle labour and a hopefully healthy baby who we will all adore! DH is the same.

I'm 52. My DC are 20 and 17. They know I don't want to be a grandmother before I'm 60.

And I know many women in my position. Most of us had children a little later and don't want to be grandparents so soon.

Sunrainsnow · 04/02/2021 21:01

It is funny. When my DSis was pregnant with twins she was really hoping for girls. She found out at her scan that they were girls and obviously happy. My DMum told her older next door neighbour. Her immediate response was is she going to have another to try for a boy. She was still pregnant FFS and no. I also was hoping for girls and was lucky enough to have them. I wonder what my DMums next door neighbour thinks to my parents having 2 daughters and 4 granddaughters no boys 😯😂.

I have a friend who really wanted a girl but now has 4 lovely boys. I think she has learnt to except it.

I definitely think it's a weird old fashioned idea that everyone wants boys. I think a lot of people have a preference but it goes either way.

Angrywife · 04/02/2021 21:46

My in laws were the same but wanted a girl.
They have treated my second son with barely disguised contempt since he was born hence why we are very very low contact now. No-one treats my kids like that.

StrandedStarfish · 04/02/2021 23:33

[quote ErrorDetected]@SupermarketStress you do know midwives can’t just be redeployed as ICU nurses, don’t you? They have a specific skill set. There are already fewer births predicted than an average year, so the Op will be fine.

Congrats on the baby OP. My in-laws were just the same about our boys. It’s depressing.[/quote]
Can I ask where you are getting your figures from as we are now on week 44 of the pandemic, and our units number of births / expected births is up by 15%.

pinkstripeycat · 05/02/2021 08:56

You are BU using the word gender. Gender is a choice. Sex is boy or girl

Angrywife · 05/02/2021 09:21

@pinkstripeycat

You are BU using the word gender. Gender is a choice. Sex is boy or girl
Oh get over yourself
YoniAndGuy · 05/02/2021 13:19

@Angrywife the poster above is 100% right and the difference MATTERS