MiL overjoyed that we’re expecting a boy

[Circumlocutious]

We already have one DD.

She found out last week that it (looks like) we’re expecting a boy, and revealed to me how delighted she is that they’re now going to have a grandson (from a son...they already have 3 from DH’s sister), that she’s been secretly wishing and praying for a boy, and asking her close friends to do the same (!) And the congratulatory tone to me, as though it’s some kind of achievement on my end...and presumably a failure if it had been a girl.

When we chatted after the 20 week scan with DD, she spent a good time on the phone speaking in a consoling tone about all the virtues and redeeming qualities of girls, as though it’s something that I was feeling bad about (it wasn’t!), instead of her projecting onto me.

Sure, it’s nice that we’ll hopefully have one of each gender (will probably stop at 2), but that’s nothing to do with this fixation on having some kind of male heir

I’m fucked off at this sexism and at the forthcoming, fawning overinvestment in her grandson.

After having all sons her self my ex mil.was over the moon when we had a girl, knitted her beautiful little outfits. Then we had a son after 18 mo the and she barely glanced at him. On D's 2nd birthday she knitted him a jumper with postman pat and cat on which he loved but sent dd 4, yes 4 knitted jumpers including a my little pony one with a pastel coloured mane. I told DH either he talks to her or I do. He refused so I told her not to treat children unequally again. She carried on doing it time and again. I cut her contact with DC as it was becoming obvious to ds his Nanny loved his sister far more than him. Divorced and now remarried new mil treays ally children equally as it should be.

My MIL was the same about our third child. Although it was the opposite way round as she was desperate for us too have a girl but we had a boy. She couldn’t even bring herself too congratulate us and dh pulling her up on it caused a family argument. I have still never totally forgiven her for but it but the reality is she is the loser in it all. My sons have virtually no interest in her own as she has shown little in them. The girls are just little dolls she can cling onto which is not healthy of normal.

I wouldn't get too worked up about her comments. It's a bit misguided, especially to go on about it to people, but I can see that she is pleased for her little boy to have a little boy of his own and that he will enjoy doing "boyish" things with his boy. All the more so as you already have a daughter to do "girly" things with.

She loved her own little boy and is probably thinking how nice it will be to have a mini version of him around again. Just the same as I was thrilled to have a daughter and see if she turned out like me (she didn't!).

We have two girls and we wouldn't swap them for anything, but there is a tiny tinge of sadness that DH and I will never have the experience of parenting a son. I don't know anything about boys! Whatever people say, you are lucky to have one of each.

But it's such a dated view

I'm a woman and we've double barrelled our names and our children's names. So I've carried on the family name

I agree its outdated though when will the double barrels stop. In future times if a spouse has a double barrel name too and they insist on the 4 surnames on and on.
I don't know the answer.

It is the opposite in my family( paternal side), girls are the be all and end all. Boys out number girls 6:1. My brother and sister had 8 Sons between them and not a single Daughter. On my Mums side it is all girls and rarely a boy. We were all treated the same apart from me as i was my maternal Papa's favourite, he took me everywhere with him and spoiled me rotten. I think it was because i was premature and very very poorly, he sat outside SCBU all day every day for 2 and a half months. The nurses used to let him in for a few seconds in the morning and again at night. Other than that it didn't matter wether we were girls or boys.

I am Chinese so in my families home country it’s an issue that has caused the ending of pregnancies of baby girls in astronomical numbers and the abandonment in the past of girl babies under the one child policy.

My Father was incredibly unusual and had a preference for his daughters. I know having favourites is bad but as an adult and as culturally it is so highly unusual for us I have pondered the question in depth. I think it’s because he had a little sister that died when he was about 7. Towards the end of his life he talked about her a lot.

Just take no notice of her.

Apparently my grandad was like this when my younger brother was born- delighted to have someone to carry on the family name.

The irony is that I’ve kept my name, and DS has a hyphenated surname. DB has decided he doesn’t want children.

I don’t think that having a boy gives certainty ‘carrying on the family name’ in the way it did a few generations ago. I have male friends who have taken the wives surnames on marriage. Maybe you could point that out to MIL.

@Emeraldshamrock my son has a hyphenated surname, which we chose to do because it felt right for our marriage and family. I fully expect him to make the decision which best suits any future relationship, too. Obviously having multiple hyphenated surnames is ridiculous but I don’t think that’s what will happen in reality- his spouse might keep their name, take his, he might take theirs, they might keep part of his name but not the other, or make up something entirely different.

The view 'it's a generation thing' is probably viable if the grandparent is 80 + but not really if they are younger... most grandparents to be rte going to be 50-60, not elderly!!!

When I was born my grandfather asked if my parents were disappointed that I was a girl (they weren't)..but that was over 50 years ago! I'm going to be a grandparent for the first time in 10 weeks time..I'm in my 50s, and find it quite strange that I might be excused a preference due to my age!
I'm just hoping my dd2 has a gentle labour and a hopefully healthy baby who we will all adore! DH is the same.

Of course what your MIL is doing is wrong, but it does make a pleasant change from the frequent gender disappointment threads on here from women who are pregnant with boys.

That's the old school mentality which no matter how much you try to change, you never ever will be able too.

But also maybe point out to her to just contain her excitement until the baby is born.
I was told by 2 different doctors we were having a boy in my second pregnancy. I found out for practical reasons and fortunately we decided not to tell anyone. Only when I gave birth, we had a baby girl. The surgeon who did my c section was more surprised than we were.

@Confusedcabbage

OP I would say something to her next time she makes a comment like that again. Nip it in the bud otherwise it's going to keep happening including to your child

You could ask her to take the course Chromosomes 101 as should anyone who thinks that it's the woman's 'fault'.

I mean, it is old fashioned and frustrating but I guess it's that thing of 'carrying on the family name'.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if this little boy were given his mother's family name? That would soon wipe the smile off her face!

My MiL too 'hoped' our child would be a boy. He was. When she addresses him, she refuses to acknowledge my contribution to his name (I retained mine and we double-barrelled).

Makes me smile - must really get up her hooter. I don't mention my FiL in this context because he genuinely couldn't give a stuff and doesn't engage in the same silly passive aggression. More power to him.

I think women of that generation have a stronger attachment to their sons, for whatever reason. My MIL wanted my first baby to be a boy, I said I thought it was a girl. When I had a girl she said “you win”. Not like I guessed right, but that I got what I wanted and she didn’t. I view it as part of her obsession with her sons and dreams of having more boys in her life that are “hers”

I had my DS before my brothers DS and although my old fashioned parents were extremely thrilled that their surname would continue as my brother is the only one that could do this, they still love my DS as he is the first GC. They experienced everything with my DS first. Of course they love DN equally but my DS is in a different compartment to them as he was the first. It's frustrating I understand but I'm guessing they just want the surname to continue. I know if I have DD before my brother as a second baby, my DD would also be equally loved and maybe loved more as she would be the only girl. Every family is different of course but to me, it seems sometimes boys are favoured due to carrying the surname only other than that love is the same if not more to a gc that isn't boy or doesn't carry the family surname like my DS. We could also argue that the first gc are loved more as well as I'm the daughter and my parents have limitless access to DS so does my in laws. But my brothers wife on the other hand, she doesn't let my parents see my DN as much so my parents haven't really bonded with him.

@StillMedusa, really?? I'm nearly 50 and my kids are still in primary school - I'm bloody hoping they won't make me a GM when I'm in my 60s! Surely it's not usual for grandparents to be in their 50s anymore? Not where I live it certainly isn't!

Of course you aren't being unreasonable. I'm amazed that anyone could think you are!

This would annoy me, and if she looked like keeping it up then I'd almost certainly pull her up on it.

I have three DDs. I got no adverse comments at all from either side of the family, but did from a lady who used to help run the mother and tots group in our village. She declared "what a shame" when during my third pregnancy I made the mistake of saying that I was expecting a third daughter. I asked her loudly and pointedly why it was a shame and she scuttled off with a very red face. She generally avoided me after that, which didn't bother me at all. She was known for making such crass comments, so it meant that she knew not to make any more to me after DD3's birth. She knew I wouldn't stand for it

We had this, a grandparent who said "what a shame" when told it was a girl. My instinctive reaction was "well I don't think it's a shame and she's my baby". That and other minor but frequent criticisms of my beautiful, healthy, friendly and well behaved toddler just make me see that person as an irrelevance in her life. I certainly am not going to encourage a good relationship between them. So in the end it's their loss. You can either love and cherish my daughter, or you won't be seeing her.

TheRuleofStix I was 26 having my dd and she will be 27 when the baby is born.. pretty average for my age group (post Uni..marry settle down child within about 5 years) I know people are starting families a bit later these days but most of my colleagues who are my age are becoming grandparents in their 50-60s...which is useful as we are still fit enough to help out and most of us are going part time in our jobs to enable that :)

@StillMedusa interesting - I don’t know what the average age is now but most of my friends become mums in their mid 30s with parents in their late 60s. I totally agree with the advantage of being younger - no judgment from me. I got married at 26 and started trying almost straight away, sadly it didn’t happen.

Became mums!

This is so old-fashioned, isn't it? YANBU and very best wishes.

[quote TheRuleofStix]@StillMedusa, really?? I'm nearly 50 and my kids are still in primary school - I'm bloody hoping they won't make me a GM when I'm in my 60s! Surely it's not usual for grandparents to be in their 50s anymore? Not where I live it certainly isn't![/quote]
It pretty much is. Parents had kids in their 20s with adult children in their 30s making them grandparents. I had my son when I was 21 and it would have been entirely usual to have been a granny in my early 50s.

I'm bloody hoping they won't make me a GM when I'm in my 60s! Surely it's not usual for grandparents to be in their 50s anymore? Not where I live it
It depends in some places you'd be a great granny at 60.
I noticed long generations in NI granny at 40's great granny 60's and great great granny at 80s it was lovely for many family the flip side by 35 most have their life back ❤

My MIL had 3 daughters and then a son ( MYHUBBY)....When our son was born she said ^Well done Nicola, you got it right first time. In my 24 year old naivety, I didn't understand what she meant, so asked my hubby later. OMG! So sexist and I was shocked! They were old fashioned and I am glad I had no idea when I was pregnant she felt that way! Our county didn't do gender scans in 1996.