MiL overjoyed that we’re expecting a boy

[Circumlocutious]

We already have one DD.

She found out last week that it (looks like) we’re expecting a boy, and revealed to me how delighted she is that they’re now going to have a grandson (from a son...they already have 3 from DH’s sister), that she’s been secretly wishing and praying for a boy, and asking her close friends to do the same (!) And the congratulatory tone to me, as though it’s some kind of achievement on my end...and presumably a failure if it had been a girl.

When we chatted after the 20 week scan with DD, she spent a good time on the phone speaking in a consoling tone about all the virtues and redeeming qualities of girls, as though it’s something that I was feeling bad about (it wasn’t!), instead of her projecting onto me.

Sure, it’s nice that we’ll hopefully have one of each gender (will probably stop at 2), but that’s nothing to do with this fixation on having some kind of male heir

I’m fucked off at this sexism and at the forthcoming, fawning overinvestment in her grandson.

@IvysPoison

My Mil and fil come from a culture that's very into boys and they were the same which I found really upsetting. In our instance, we'd had a girl first, and then when we found out that our next child was a boy, my dh thought it would be a good idea (against my better judgement) to pretend that we were having another girl. Anyway, the result was my mil crying because it was another girl ("...well at least she's healthy" she kept sobbing to us) and my FIL saying "huh...I knew it would be another girl. I knew you wouldn't know how to make a boy." And then when we told them it was actually a boy they both cried tears of actual happiness. I don't think I'll ever forgive them for that reaction, particularly when they knew we'd struggled through IVF to have our children, and neither of us cared about the sex of our children. Also, I keep thinking, if my ds had been a girl then how would they have treated her. I've already noticed a slight difference in how my mil treats our dd compared to my ds and I don't like it at all.

Why on earth did you lie? As a PP asked, was it a test? You set them up to fail if so.

My paternal grandparents were apparently like this.

Referred to my brother as their 'One and only'. Gave him money and basically part funded his gap year traveling which they didn't do with me or my 2 female cousins.
I think I was too young to notice and we weren't close as we all lived a good distance away it severely pissed off my mum and still does.

They died when I was 16 and 18 and never really knew them as we didn't visit a lot but it was definitely something that was more my mums issue than stoking any extra rivalry between my brother and I.

@PinkPiranha11

My mum was the other way round. I have two boys and when I had my second she said; “Well it’s a shame it’s a boy but at least he doesn’t have anything wrong with him.” 😮. My boys are lovely in general however they do playfight etc like all siblings. She constantly says things like “well if you had two girls, like I did, you wouldn’t have any of these issues!”

Yes, there are a lot of families where girls are more desired because they are considered 'easier'. The incessant gender disappointment threads on here are always disappointment that the child is a boy. That is no better than OP's MIL's prejudice.

If she treats her grandchildren all the same, I don't see any problem. For some people carrying a surame it's important to them. We all have different things that are important to us. That's her thing, let her be happy and don't overthink it.

YABU. I have a personal vendetta against the ‘why don’t you have any sons ’ - maybe because I come from a patriarchal culture and people were always asking my mother that. Even as we got older and my academic + career performance consistently outshone the males...same story for my female cousins

Agree with previous posters that this is a very unusual attitude these days - "gender disappointment" (one of my most hated phrases and definitely a modern invention - the phrase not the phenomena) is 99% about having a boy. If you have only boys the head tilts and sympathetic noises are constant. So just be grateful you have a DD and don't have to deal with that bullshit on a weekly basis .

A bit extreme for you to have that reaction, she is only saying her preference, not that she would treat them any different otherwise.

She is from a different time...do you have no understanding of their generation at all?

@JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson I was just about to make a similar comment. As the mother of two grown up sons (who gave us no bother growing up, thankfully) I often think that I am “missing out” on something when I read threads here about people’s delight at having daughters. Then I just remember all the other threads where women have gone “no contact” with their mothers and remember that it actually makes no difference the gender of your child. Your relationship with them is what matters.
OP, the important thing is that your mother-in-law loves both of her grandchildren equally.

@GarlicMonkey

If my sons decide to have children, I'm going to have to be really careful. I adore my sons & wouldn't want my family any different, but I'll be hoping for granddaughters & I'll be ecstatic if I get one. I'll try so hard to hide it & would never treat any child more favourably than another, but it'll be hard to hide my excitement.

My MIL had two sons, unfortunately she also had two daughters who died shortly after birth for different reasons. She was desperate for my DC2 and DC3 to be a girl. This was in a nice way though, and not in any way worrying that she would treat a boy differently.

@TheRuleofStix

Agree with previous posters that this is a very unusual attitude these days - "gender disappointment" (one of my most hated phrases and definitely a modern invention - the phrase not the phenomena) is 99% about having a boy. If you have only boys the head tilts and sympathetic noises are constant. So just be grateful you have a DD and don't have to deal with that bullshit on a weekly basis .

@TheRuleofStix oh yes, myself and my other friends who have only boys call it “the look”.... basically a slightly pitying, slightly smug glance and a gleam in the eye that says “thank fuck that isn’t me”. It’s annoying and upsetting.

@Whitecup4

A bit extreme for you to have that reaction, she is only saying her preference, not that she would treat them any different otherwise.

She is from a different time...do you have no understanding of their generation at all?

Of course I do. It involves misogynistic cultural attitudes that are still contemporary and have a hold over current generations.

Very interesting that so many posters have the opposite experience... That's still twisted too, to have strangers invested in and 'judging' your roll of the dice with pregnancy.

@PinkPiranha11, yep have had it constantly since DS2 was born. And am constantly challenging the gender stereotypes that I have to listen to on a daily basis (I'm a teacher), and the parents of one boy and one girl who think that because they one of each they can extrapolate every behaviour of their children to something that applies to the whole male species and the whole female species without any understanding of the role that nurture plays in enforcing this crap .

OP, do we share a MIL?!

She is so over the top in her preference for a boy and it drives me insane. I can't understand it and I feel really offended on behalf of my DD.

I'm pregnant again and the 'oh I really hope it's a boy' comments are getting tiring. At least we can't meet face to face and I can be 'busy' when my DH face times her.

It's not a cultural preference for her and the fact she had two sons and avoided having a daughter seems to be her life's greatest achievement!

@Circumlocutious, I've had total strangers sympathise with me in parks when the boys were younger. I'm not very polite in return. My boys are utterly bloody amazing and this shit brings out the lioness in me.

What @PeggyHill said really resonated with me. I’m fairly ancient so the woman I’m referring to is from another era altogether.

A GM told me that her own DM (my GGM) would be upset when anyone she knew had a girl. Not because she didn’t like girls - my own DM adored her and always said she was lovely - but because she foresaw them having a much harder life than a boy.

She had 10 children and wasn’t even poor by the standards of the day, and had a very good husband.
My own GM (who had 5 children) once told me she’d asked this GGM how on earth she’d managed without a pram.
‘I used my arms.’
With 10 of them! Imagine!

Plus, she sometimes used to keep my GM (her eldest) home from school on washday, to help her, but my GM told me she had to hide until her DF had gone to work, since he didn’t approve at all of her missing school.

Sorry is YANBU!!!! My rushed self typing

My DF was desperate for a grandson and he got one! However, I have no doubt that if my DS had been a girl he would have been equally delighted.

My DU was always desperate for a granddaughter and had 3 grandsons that he loves beyond measure.

When pregnant with dd I wandered into a church fete and some elderly women there asked what I was having. When I said girl they said oh that's lucky, sons don't stay in touch when they get married. They wished they'd had girls.

My MIL was desperate for our baby to be a girl. She had lost a girl to still birth, then had 3 boys. At that point the DGC had all been boys too. Told her at our 20 week scan it was a boy, her comment “ oh no, another one with a spout”. I let it roll off my back, I was just happy with a healthy baby.

She was smitten the first time she saw him

YANBU. I hate it when other people let it be known what gender they wish your child to have.

Your MIL is foolish to be so bothered about, presumably, the grandchild carrying the surname forwards. I mean, what does it actually matter.

It's also very unkind towards their other grandsons, as though they aren't as important?

I'm due a baby next month and my parents are rooting for a girl. They have a stupid preference towards little girls which really upset me when I had twin boys a few years ago. I had to tell my mum early on not to talk about gender as I find it inappropriate and unkind and similar to favouritism which she always says is a bad thing (yet exhibits herself).

Anyway. Don't listen to them, their viewpoint on it is completely irrelevant.

She is petty though there is something about carrying on the family name that makes people bonkers.
My Dbro has 2 DD'S they'll marry and probably change surnames Dad was delighted Dsis gave her DS her birth surname.

Tell her you're thinking of giving this one your family surname

@Emeraldshamrock

She is petty though there is something about carrying on the family name that makes people bonkers. My Dbro has 2 DD'S they'll marry and probably change surnames Dad was delighted Dsis gave her DS her birth surname.

My dad is an only child and I'm one of two girls. He was very moved when I told him that DH and I were double-barrelling our names on marriage and giving both to our children. His father died when he was very young so he had been the only male in the family with his name for 60+ years when DS was born.

I don't think that's bonkers.

@Emeraldshamrock

She is petty though there is something about carrying on the family name that makes people bonkers. My Dbro has 2 DD'S they'll marry and probably change surnames Dad was delighted Dsis gave her DS her birth surname.

But it's such a dated view.

I'm a woman and we've double barrelled our names and our children's names. So I've carried on the family name.

As has my sister who married another woman and they chose our family name for their kids. As have my brothers who have had sons.

Guess my parents have really "lucked out" although thankfully they couldn't care less about whether anyone carries it over or not.