MiL overjoyed that we’re expecting a boy

[Circumlocutious]

We already have one DD.

She found out last week that it (looks like) we’re expecting a boy, and revealed to me how delighted she is that they’re now going to have a grandson (from a son...they already have 3 from DH’s sister), that she’s been secretly wishing and praying for a boy, and asking her close friends to do the same (!) And the congratulatory tone to me, as though it’s some kind of achievement on my end...and presumably a failure if it had been a girl.

When we chatted after the 20 week scan with DD, she spent a good time on the phone speaking in a consoling tone about all the virtues and redeeming qualities of girls, as though it’s something that I was feeling bad about (it wasn’t!), instead of her projecting onto me.

Sure, it’s nice that we’ll hopefully have one of each gender (will probably stop at 2), but that’s nothing to do with this fixation on having some kind of male heir

I’m fucked off at this sexism and at the forthcoming, fawning overinvestment in her grandson.

I'm hear you OP. Mum is hoping our LO is a boy and it's really stressing me out. It's our first child and I was told I might not be able to have children so the negativity isn't welcomed. Mum already has other grandchildren (girls). DH uncle also hoping for a boy to carry on the family name, this is the first grandchild. MIL is the only person who is just excited regardless (FIL has died). My dad doesn't mind. My mum has in the past used the following phrase after someone has experienced a miscarriage "oh, they probably can't carry boys/girls" it's a horrific attitude and definitely puts "blame" on the mother for somehow "failing". Makes me squirm.

Congrats OP. My MIL was really hoping we had a boy too, DH has an unusual surname that my late FIL wanted to continue, a traditional view I know, DH was his only son, we had two boys, wouldn’t change it for the world. But any baby in our family girl or boy has been equally cherished by MIL.

My DS2 grandmother was gutted when we told her it was a second boy. She still goes on about us having another because we need a girl. Last time DH told her to fuck up as he has constantly told her we are more than happy with our two boys. She has now started it on SIL who is pregnant with 2nd (IVF) baby. Some people are just prats lol

Wow. I'm shocked that a third of people think you're being unreasonable!

People fawn over girls or boys depending on their individual biases, but it’s not malicious. I’d just ignore her unless it becomes proper favouritism.

@TheAvenger

Sure, it’s nice that we’ll hopefully have one of each gender (will probably stop at 2)

why on earth would that matter?

Well, I do think that there are some differences between men and women, that they go through different lived experiences in our society, and that that shapes our opportunities for parenting. The commonalities that I would share with my daughter - our experiences of gender socialisation and resultant expectations (and discrimination), some of the physical realities of being a woman and the way they influence our careers and relationships - that’s very different to raising a boy. But with boys there are other opportunities too, to influence their upbringing in a positive, less misogynistic way than I see around me.

——

I guess I return to this point of social disappointment being largely directed/ foisted at a woman regarding the gender of their child.

@PurBal

I'm hear you OP. Mum is hoping our LO is a boy and it's really stressing me out. It's our first child and I was told I might not be able to have children so the negativity isn't welcomed. Mum already has other grandchildren (girls). DH uncle also hoping for a boy to carry on the family name, this is the first grandchild. MIL is the only person who is just excited regardless (FIL has died). My dad doesn't mind. My mum has in the past used the following phrase after someone has experienced a miscarriage "oh, they probably can't carry boys/girls" it's a horrific attitude and definitely puts "blame" on the mother for somehow "failing". Makes me squirm.

That’s so frustrating. It’s the stress that you go through - I know what you mean. Someone could just say ‘well get over it, why do you care what they think?’, but these are still loved ones and family member putting emotional pressure on a woman that she literally has no control over. If you have a preference keep it to yourself.

Boy preference was a thing with my dad and MIL (in their 80s) I grew up thinking boys were preferred and only came across people saying girls were preferred on mumsnet in the last 8 years really. Wasn't aware of it before then

Why are ther3 so many deleted messages? Odd

Anyway my FIL, came to the hospital after the birth of my daughter, and said I’d had the wrong one.

I asked what he’d said, as my husband and his wife tried to shush him.
I should have had a boy he said.

Never liked him, either PIL really

I really won't worry about it. My m'n'law had three boys and so when I had girl/boy twins she gravitated towards my son but over time her relationship with my daughter developed and was very special to both of them. Its likely your m'n'law is stuck on carrying on the family name or something - and likely she doesn't have much to focus on! It will be a thing of the past in a few years. You've pointed out she already has 3 grandson and it seems to be special with her son having a son so there has to be something behind that.

I have two Dds. We aren’t having any more.
We were at a family event and I was holding my sister’s baby boy. FIL came up behind me and said “I want one of those. You haven’t given me one of those.”
I laughed and said “You’d better let MIL know you want to start again. I’m not sure how keen she’ll be.” He did shut up and wander off.

But it does my head in. He goes on and on about having boys. He and MIL had three girls before DH and it’s quite openly said they kept going until he got his boy. I’ve never asked SILs how they feel about this.

I have had to be quite firm in the past when he’s said things in front of my DDs about boys being better. I’ve always loudly said things like “My girls are perfect as they are and we don’t need any more.”
DH did want a boy but he adores the girls and says he cannot imagine them being any different. He doesn’t want any more so the attitude hasn’t carried on down. Which is a relief.

This is at totally at odds with what I see IRL. Literally everyone I know whose had a baby in the last few years (lots as I have young kids) has been hoping for girls and is happy to admit it. The fathers want the mums to be happy so also favour a girl despite the fact that they don’t really care either way). Are you sure it’s not some weird reverse psychology where MIL thinks you would favour another girl and is trying to be overly positive about a son? I think in the U.K. currently there’s far more negative feeling about having and raising boys, whatever the reasons may be. I’d really just ignore your MIL or reiterate that your child’s genitals don’t matter either way.

It's good she is being positive.

Also forgot to add the main point, was that I know many more grandmas who hoped for little girls than boys, so your MIL is bucking the trend I think.

My MIL who had sons herself all but ignores my DS, and favours DD. Very odd. It may just be their ages but it’s left me wondering if she always secretly wanted a DD.

Come on.....don’t most of us want the one of each scenario, even if we don’t outwardly display it? I had a girl first and was praying my second was a boy. But if it was the other way, boy first, I would have been praying for a girl. Your mil may have been a bit OTT, but I really wouldn’t give this much headspace at all. Just enjoy your pregnancy, and don’t invite drama where none exists.

I was delighted when my DIL told me she was having a girl. My son guessed I’d be over the moon having had only boys myself.
As your mil is so happy about it I can’t see the problem tbh.
Now if you were having a girl/boy and she voiced her displeasure I would be right behind you.
Congratulations btw.

My mil stated that if I had a boy - my husband would return to me from the arms of the other woman. Yeah, but he wouldn't if it was a girl then

Its old fashioned way of thinking, but try to ignore it

Come on.....don’t most of us want the one of each scenario

I don't and I do not understand why it is important. I really don't get it!

My Mil and fil come from a culture that's very into boys and they were the same which I found really upsetting. In our instance, we'd had a girl first, and then when we found out that our next child was a boy, my dh thought it would be a good idea (against my better judgement) to pretend that we were having another girl. Anyway, the result was my mil crying because it was another girl ("...well at least she's healthy" she kept sobbing to us) and my FIL saying "huh...I knew it would be another girl. I knew you wouldn't know how to make a boy." And then when we told them it was actually a boy they both cried tears of actual happiness. I don't think I'll ever forgive them for that reaction, particularly when they knew we'd struggled through IVF to have our children, and neither of us cared about the sex of our children. Also, I keep thinking, if my ds had been a girl then how would they have treated her. I've already noticed a slight difference in how my mil treats our dd compared to my ds and I don't like it at all.

It’s an outdated attitude, but I wouldn’t worry too much about it unless there are problems with her favouring your son later on.

My mum was the other way round. I have two boys and when I had my second she said; “Well it’s a shame it’s a boy but at least he doesn’t have anything wrong with him.” 😮.
My boys are lovely in general however they do playfight etc like all siblings. She constantly says things like “well if you had two girls, like I did, you wouldn’t have any of these issues!”

She's excited and engaged with your pregnancy and her future grandchild. There is nothing to be gained from being fucked off at the situation. As long as she treats both of your DC equally once DS arrives then I think you can let this one go.

then when we found out that our next child was a boy, my dh thought it would be a good idea (against my better judgement) to pretend that we were having another girl.

This is incredibly weird. Were you testing them? Of course their reaction was going to be more extreme after that.

@PeggyHill

It's amazing how many older people think this way (I know not all of them do, before anyone jumps on me).

My DH's grandmother told me when I was pregnant with our first that she was hoping and praying for a boy. Well... we had a girl. Grandmother said it was such a pity and that a boy would have been better.

I was hugely offended at first but then I realised that she was speaking from experience- she is of a different time and was stuck at home raising her younger siblings whilst they got to have childhoods and an education. Her brothers had a grand old time and then webt on to their university courses and jobs, whilst she was left at home until a returned soldier agreed to marry her. He treated her like shit. So although what she said was horribly sexist, it didn't actually come from a bad place. She was genuinely sad that my DD might suffer the same childhood that she did.

It's either this, or your MIL is just a misogynist. You'd know better than us.

That's a really insightful comment, thanks.

And thank goodness things have moved on. Still a long way to go though, I didn't realise how much till I became a mum myself.

Makes a nice change tbh.......no one seems to want boys these days.

Unless she's horrible to your dd I'd let her enjoy her excitement and get over yourself.