MiL overjoyed that we’re expecting a boy

[Circumlocutious]

We already have one DD.

She found out last week that it (looks like) we’re expecting a boy, and revealed to me how delighted she is that they’re now going to have a grandson (from a son...they already have 3 from DH’s sister), that she’s been secretly wishing and praying for a boy, and asking her close friends to do the same (!) And the congratulatory tone to me, as though it’s some kind of achievement on my end...and presumably a failure if it had been a girl.

When we chatted after the 20 week scan with DD, she spent a good time on the phone speaking in a consoling tone about all the virtues and redeeming qualities of girls, as though it’s something that I was feeling bad about (it wasn’t!), instead of her projecting onto me.

Sure, it’s nice that we’ll hopefully have one of each gender (will probably stop at 2), but that’s nothing to do with this fixation on having some kind of male heir

I’m fucked off at this sexism and at the forthcoming, fawning overinvestment in her grandson.

I think some people have given decent reasons as to why, in her mind, life is better as a boy. Just watch out for favouritism and stamp it out.

I also committed the crime of getting pregnant this summer, it was the right time for us. We've got alot of pressure for a girl, we're not finding out to avoid the influx of dresses and sparkle for as long as possible! We really couldn't care less about the gender.

Yeah it’s annoying and has caused weird dynamics in my family as my culture is very much like this (maybe 1 or 2 generations ago it wasn’t unheard of for men to have a 2nd family if he had no boys). But you learn that even if people have discriminatory attitudes, they can still have a loving relationship with their grandkids and treat them equally.

Your 'fucked off at this sexism' but think nothing of joining in the misogynistic MIL bashing that is virulent here.

How often do you publicly bash your FIL?

I am one of two girls - my dad was seriously over the moon when dc1 was a ds - he was very open about hoping for a boy - and a little disappointed when dc2 was a dd (and had to be spoken to about leaving her out). My mum was the opposite - she favours girls - and was visibly disappointed when dc3 was another boy!

It's best to just ignore it, as long as she doesn't treat them differently. I spoke to my dad after he tried to take ds1 off to do something manly and told dd she couldn't come when she tried to go with them - he didn't do it again. He died 5 years ago and it was dd who was most upset - so he did try in the end and they had a good relationship. My mum is closest to my youngest ds - the one she was disappointed about! I think outdated views and hopes about sex/gender are usually quite superficial.

Surely this is a Non issue. I was hoping for a boy and got one, would you feel the same about me?

@SupermarketStress. .

Wait... so you're proposing we have a whole year in this country with no children being born?

Have you thought through how that will work? So we'll have to miss out a year of school, universities will have a whole year where they don't have any new undergraduates... and presumably double the next year as people make up for lost time.

Maybe engage brain before posting.

Yes I'd be miffed. My grandma has 3 granddaughters and one grandson and favours him. When my sister had a girl she didn't say anything. But to me she kept saying 'this has got to be a boy!' Because there are only a few men! 🙄
When I had my little girl she asked me if I was disappointed it wasn't a boy (because she clearly was!)
She isn't religious or anything it's just the way she is!

I think it was possibly a bit extra nice for my MIL that I had a girl because she had two boys herself, but she would have been over the moon with a grandson too. Can't imagine she'd treat another baby differently (should I have another) regardless of their sex. But then she is a lovely person and I wouldn't expect anything less of her!

If my sons decide to have children, I'm going to have to be really careful. I adore my sons & wouldn't want my family any different, but I'll be hoping for granddaughters & I'll be ecstatic if I get one. I'll try so hard to hide it & would never treat any child more favourably than another, but it'll be hard to hide my excitement.

I think everyone probably has a secret preference, to be honest - there will be other future GPs desperately hoping their sons and daughters have baby girls. I think your MIL was a bit insensitive expressing her preference to you as she did but as long as she treats your children the same I’d say it’s not a massive deal. If she continues to mention it and it is annoying you, you could try gently making it clear it annoys you. If that doesn’t work, do it less gently

With my inlaws it was more of a subtle wish for their son to carry on his family name. When dd was born fil was besotted, first female born of his line, he never had a dd so having a granddaughter was a whole new experience for him. Ds came next and mil said she was happy that he would continue the family name. No actual favouritism though, they love both kids.

Wouldn’t worry about it or give it a single extra thought. That’s her, that’s the way she feels. So what?

So long as she’s loving to your dd I can’t why this should bother you. I mean yes it’s daft...but why do you care?
You’re not here to educate and influence your mil are you? Leave her to it.

As long as they treat both of your children the same I would let it go. If any favouritism appears I would address it straight away.

I wouldn’t like it either. I think I’d just shrug it off as it isn’t worth causing problems. I particularly dislike the idea that having boys is important for ‘carrying on the family name’. I never understand why people think it’s so vital to carry on a family name - a family name that (in most cases) already exists in countless other families throughout the world!

Annoying. You could raise him as gender neutral 'they' very strictly just to piss her off. I know it's a nonsense but I am almost petty enough to do it.

@Sceptre86

With my inlaws it was more of a subtle wish for their son to carry on his family name. When dd was born fil was besotted, first female born of his line, he never had a dd so having a granddaughter was a whole new experience for him. Ds came next and mil said she was happy that he would continue the family name. No actual favouritism though, they love both kids.

For some reason this really made me smile. Both of them finding reasons why each of your children were just perfect

Your 'fucked off at this sexism' but think nothing of joining in the misogynistic MIL bashing that is virulent here.

How often do you publicly bash your FIL?

Let's assume that if FIL had said this OP would be equally miffed? Generic MIL bashing is shit, but so is generic MIL defending, since they're all different. (Mine was an ol' cow, but there you go, my DH's MIL is lovely)

She is happy for you. I would leave it at that.

Hi everyone,
Thanks for contributing to the thread - just to flag again that if you repeat a post that is later deleted, you run the risk of having your post removed as well;

Apparently my paternal Grandmother's 'heart sank to her boots' when she heard I was a girl, the second female grandchild.

Thankfully for her my half-brother arrived a few years later  Ignore her the best you can OP.

And as for @SupermarketStress, go give your head a rattle.

We’re the opposite. My Borther has three boys and I have one. There will be jubilation if I manage to knock out a wee lady any time soon. I’d take it with a pinch of salt. We all talk shit sometimes, while trying to convey that we care and are invested. Better that she is excited than doesn’t give a monkeys.

I voted YABU only because many years ago my MIL said similar. However once grandson arrived she didn’t treat them any differently at all. So maybe just don’t let someone else bother you in that way, you can’t control what others say or do, but you can control your own reaction to it.

As other pp as long as she doesn't treat them any differently it might just be an old fashioned thing. Annoying as it is.
Me personally the next time she says something about it that you don't like I would say you maybe disappointed if dc2 is a girl we won't be and I really find it odd you feel that way. She will probably stop saying anything again.
As for @supermarketStress I had a baby recently in the pandemic and I know lots of other people actively trying. I think it's highly amusing it's getting to you.
Wahoo for all the pregnant ladies out there and soon to be 🤰🏼 🤰🏼🤰🏼🤰🏼🤰🏼🤰🏼🤰🏼🤰🏼🤰🏼🤰🏼🤰🏼🤰🏼🤰🏼🤰🏼🤰🏼🤰🏼🤰🏼🤰🏼🤰🏼🤰🏼🤰🏼

Sure, it’s nice that we’ll hopefully have one of each gender (will probably stop at 2)

why on earth would that matter?

and at the forthcoming, fawning overinvestment in her grandson.

I had this with MIL, but the other way around. She was desperate to have a granddaughter (had wanted a daughter but only had DS's). I was extremely concerned she would drop DS and have eyes only for DD. However, it's totally the opposite. She ignores DD and clearly prefers to spend time with DS. She had the "ideal granddaughter" in mind and envisaged dolls, tea parties, quiet craft and pretty dresses. Instead she got a granddaughter who never sits still, spends half her time at the top of a tree or climbing frame and is rarely seen without a sword in her hand...