I've had nothing to do for nearly a decade.

[grannyinapram]

I am a SAHM and have been for 8 years now. I quit college when I was pregnant and haven't had a thing to do or a place to be since.
I don't have any hobbies and I couldn't even if I wanted to because DH works so much.
I often say to him that he's lucky that he has time to himself on his way to work (he can work anywhere from Cornwall to Scotland) so he has hours to himself at a time. He works away a lot too, so he has nights, sometimes a week to himself to do whatever he wants and to be Bob, not daddy, not husband, not even employee, but Bob.
I haven't been myself for years.
I don't actually recognise myself at all. I have 4 beautiful but young children. I'm breastfeeding, someone is always picking me, touching me, burping on me, farting on me, showing me bogeys or blood, sick, snot, fucking poo.
I used to be a nice, normal girl and now I'm just an angry mom who shouts too much and swears even more.
Every image I had of myself as a parent has been shoved out the window. I can just about feed them all.

DH says I can go for walks, to the cinema, anywhere I want with anyone I want but I have no friends because I was a teen mom and nobody wanted to hang around with a baby (after the initial intrigue) so I have 0 friends left.
I didn't really click with anyone at the school gates and the one mom I liked moved. one i hated also moved
I haven't got time for hobbies because of the kids.

most importantly DH said I can go out for a bus ride (I was moaning because he was moaning about having to take the bus for work and I was jealous of the time he would spend alone) and i realised that I have had nowhere to go AT ALL for almost a whole decade now and it hurts. I can actually feel pain thinking about it.
And I've been crying on and off ever since that conversation. It feels as though I've just opened my eyes and realised how incredibly lonely I am.

My family don't want me around too much because I bring the noise and chaos of 2 children a toddler and a baby.
As I said, I have no friends.
DH is always at work or if he is home its a mad rush to get things done while he is back.
I have no time to myself.

I feel like a hollow shell, but I also feel like I'm crumbling. like every time I have to break up a fight a little piece of me is being chipped away.

I had a breakdown and have every other weekly home visits from a nurse. She is lovely but she can't give me what I really need, which is somewhere to be, like a job or university course. She can't get me friends. She can't stop me crying all day long.
My children were talking about me crying again today, amongst themselves. I don't know what to do, I feel so trapped. I am inadequate as a mother at the moment. With homeschooling and no break at all from even just the older ones I am actually cracking. I can't even feel parts of my body sometimes I actually feel numb and hopeless.

I know that I can't afford childcare until my youngest is in reception, that is 3 and a half years away. I can't have had nothing to do for 13/ 14 years. I won't make it.

Please speak to your doctor. You sound like a great wife and mother. Sending you lots of hugs

You need to talk to your husband. He needs to be doing a lot more.

Oh, I have been getting dressed, even got make up to put on, kept the house pretty tidy and have been tidying every night ready for morning but nothing is happening.

I am and I have but there is nothing they can actually do to help me.
I've tried a few medicines but all side effects have been too harsh to make it worth while. I know its trial and error but dh took 8 (I think) weeks off for the trial and he can't have anymore time off for me to mess about with medicine
thank you for replying though
I'm definitely using mumsnet for adult talk.

"I" can't afford childcare ?

They are his children. He should pay for them!

Presumably you (plural, as a couple) have a savings account? Use that to pay for childcare for a few months while you get yourself together and start applying for jobs.

Then when you get a job if/when your wages don't cover childcare, it doesn't matter because his wages are family money just like yours will be.

I'm a better mother for working. There's no shame in it.

oh yes, he does, when he's home he does washing, cleaning, the kids, the baby. He really does. But at the end of the day he has to go, he can't cut his hours because its based on a group of people and its not like an office job. If you have a day off they won't put you in next week so 🤷

Its probably lockdown aswell but Damn

Things were looking really good in January of 2020. But now I literally am putting off sleep because I can't be bothered to wake up.

I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how hard that must be, I guess you are 20s or early 30s? Would your husband be willing to work closer to home to be around more to support you? I can imagine you must be beyond exhausted with 4 children. When they are all in bed, is there something you are interested in that you could do just for you. E.G.an app that you can learn a new language or new skills from, although I understand you may be so exhausted you just want to watch TV or sleep. If your husband is on a good salary (if he isn't that he should be able to find a job in the nearest city to you instead of spending long periods away from the family) can you hire some help such as an au pair/nanny/housekeeper. You definitely need support, will your parents or husbands parents help out to give you a break?

can't you go to family for a cuppy without taking the children? That would be a start

I too am concerned about you OP, sounds like you're in a spiral of downward thoughts and feelings and you need more support. Anyone in your shoes would be overwhelmed and fearful of breaking and I'm rooting for you and your kids here. Your husband is dismissing your needs because it suits him to and it's not just unfair, it's dangerous. You can't carry on like this, please try to live in each day as it comes for the time being and remind yourself frequently that you'll get through this particularly intense time to something easier and better. I know it's very difficult to see that now but things will improve more as restrictions ease in the next couple of months and when you finally get a bit of (relative) breathing space you can start to make a proper plan to gradually open up some proper time and space for you. But in the meantime there'll be mums here who can make more solid suggestions than me and perhaps help you make some practical choices. I'm really getting the sense that you feel like you've lost yourself, and while the pressures and demands on you are very real, you're still in there but swamped, so it's hard for you to get in touch with you in your own right. You will though, there will be more options in the future. Just keep your head down for a bit longer while you weather the storm. You're doing so much better than you realise.

Please ask for some help either from your GP or through your local NHS Trust. I'm in Wigan and we have Think Wellbeing. They can refer you to an online programme that may be of help in your area.

You sound like a lovely mum that is doing her best. I know you must feel trapped now but it won't always be like this. Bloody lockdown will pass and you will be able to get out more and soon the children will all be in school/nursery (will you get the 15 free hours at nursery).

In terms of meeting people, do you have anything you would like to do as a hobby? I know your time is limited, especially with homeschooling but hopefully that will ease soon and its nice to have a distraction. I'm into sewing and there is a massive sewing community on social media. Not for everyone I know but its a very therapeutic hobby and I love making my own clothes that actually fit!

From what you have said, your husband needs to be more supportive. Have you ever told him just how low you are feeling?

Is there any way to get them into a private nursery or childminder twice a week, and then do a part time vocational course? Something like HR were there are jobs to be had and lots of variety in the type of work. You sound like a great mum, and this won’t be forever.

We do have savings, allocated for a house. which we should have had in March last year but the stupid bloody banks effectively cancelled our mortgage so we had to pull out. We have to save double now what we had and its getting there.

He works like a dog and comes home to a depressed bitch. ill literally moan about anything. I even moan that he's not happy he has to go to work even though he's knackered and

it could be worse. I don't know anyone who's died from covid, he still has a job, we still have our home etc
but I'm not grateful because I can't get past the misty foggy mood I'm in. I feel almost like I'm stoned, just going slow, not in sync with reality

OP "Things were looking really good in January of 2020. But now I literally am putting off sleep because I can't be bothered to wake up."

This sounds more like lockdown? Did anything else change in that time period? I realise normal family life goes on, of course! So I'm wondering what that might be.

You sound really low and tired out. I really get what you are saying, you are very clear. I think it’s hard when you are in a bad place to be positive. Your children are very young and they are hard work at that age. As they get a bit older it may be easier to get back to the things that are ‘you’ like college. It can be easy to think that everyone else has a big bunch of friends but if you look on here there are regular threads about ‘I have no friends’. Try with the doctor again. Take care.

OP you sound like you're doing your very best and I'm sure you're a lovely mum. Raising children for 8 years isn't nothing, it is literally the toughest job in the world. I agree your DH needs to step up. Presumably you didn't bring the children into the world by divine conception, they're his responsibility too and your wellbeing HAS to be higher up the priority list. You cannot go on like this, the alternative to him helping you more is you having another breakdown which would be worse for him in the short and long run.

Sending

OP, above you mentioned a university course - what sort of thing were you thinking? Doing a course as a mature student is a great way to meet new people and to broaden your horizons, maybe you could start planning for next September?

Also as a pp said, social media is social interaction. THIS is (low effort) social interaction right now. Maybe follow a community page, or a group page or an online book group? These things make me feel more connected when I have little time for real life interaction (COVID apart) and also find real life interaction makes me a bit anxious

I think you need a plan to focus on. In a few years you'll have so much more freedom to do whatever you want. Decide whether that's a uni course, a particular job or vocational qualification, and find out exactly what it will take to get there. You'll feel more in control.

local nursery to us have ridiculous rates (sorry I know it costs what it costs) but it would cost us approx what our rent costs for 2 days.

its just not feasible when we are trying to save for a house to get out of this flat.
We were there, we had it and then a pandemic (of all things) came up and pulled the rug from under our feet. I've been honestly falling ever since.

DH is actually so wonderful.
He really is and he is working so hard and saving so much but we are still in a tiny Only Fools and Horses flat and next year we won't be millionaires with 4 children

I just can't believe all this time has passed. We have said no to holidays and other luxuries for years and years to save for a house and its not paying off. I'm in exactly the same position I was 8 years ago when I had first baby. Infact I was in a nicer area then (but smaller flat), so I'm actually worse off.
plus I'm moaning about it

another big thing is something really crappy happened when I was a teen and I can't stop thinking about it for a second and its coming up to 10 years when it happened and I can't believe its been 10 years and it still feels raw and fresh.

thank you everyone for replying though, I could be messaging dh at work with this but I thought upset would be better and I've run out of tea

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I remember feeling like overwhelmed when I only had one. You definitely need extra help. You have a 24/7 job here, you currently have zero down time, does your DH understand that?

There are loads of free university courses that you can try. They will give you a flavour of different subjects and you do them online, from home.

Try www.futurelearn.com/

You sound like you’re doing an amazing job, but it sounds so tough for you. Your husband has to do much more - can he look at changing jobs?

You sound so unwell my love

I think you need to go back to the GP and revisit medication as a matter of urgency. The dissociation you are describing I'd really worrying. For your sake and your kids' sake your husband needs to start taking this seriously and make getting you on a path to wellness his number one priority.

I'm so sorry you're in this dark place and I hope you find your way out xx

I do have a plan and its pretty concrete and I'm really excited but I can't start until baby is 4 (or at least 3 and in nursery or reception.
The idea of waiting so many more years.

Dh has said that he will take the time off if I feel like I'm slipping but last time I went to hospital and he had to stay off work it cost us thousands in earning and spending (i was having to pay for taxis from the hospital to home for visits and back again, it was ridiculous amounts)
I don't want to cost us so much money again, plus he could lose his job if he has any more time off. We pushed his job to the absolute limit last time and that wasn't even long ago. it was about 6 months ago. we are only just recovering financially. It almost certainly cost dh a promotion

OP ask your health visitor if she can refer you for some counselling to talk through the historic issues you've just mentioned. Stuff can keep us stuck inside ourselves until it's been aired and examined with someone who understands what you're feeling/thinking. Sounds like you'd benefit from a space to talk about what's haunting you with someone trustworthy.

I actually feel a lot better getting this out
thanks everyone, truly

I feel for you,that all sounds very hard at the best of times.Being in lockdown ,juggling 4 children on your own with homeschooling thrown in is really tough.Are you able to talk to your partner and let him know how bad you are feeling?I know when he is home you say all the time is taken up with getting stuff done but perhaps some of that could be left and you could take a couple of hours for yourself at least to start with.Use that time to go out for a walk on your own or meet up with a family member if they are close by?Is there any family you could form a childcare bubble with to get a bit of support as essentially you are a single parent for a lot of the time.I think when your life revolves round children day in day out it becomes harder and harder to allow your own needs to be important.So you need to force yourself to make it important enough to take that time when your partner is home.Could you join any local social media groups and ask if there are any other mums who might be interested in meeting for a walk occasionally.I know where I live there have been lots of posts like this as many are feeling isolated.Its great that you have reached out on here for support .We are all here for you