I've had nothing to do for nearly a decade.

[grannyinapram]

I am a SAHM and have been for 8 years now. I quit college when I was pregnant and haven't had a thing to do or a place to be since.
I don't have any hobbies and I couldn't even if I wanted to because DH works so much.
I often say to him that he's lucky that he has time to himself on his way to work (he can work anywhere from Cornwall to Scotland) so he has hours to himself at a time. He works away a lot too, so he has nights, sometimes a week to himself to do whatever he wants and to be Bob, not daddy, not husband, not even employee, but Bob.
I haven't been myself for years.
I don't actually recognise myself at all. I have 4 beautiful but young children. I'm breastfeeding, someone is always picking me, touching me, burping on me, farting on me, showing me bogeys or blood, sick, snot, fucking poo.
I used to be a nice, normal girl and now I'm just an angry mom who shouts too much and swears even more.
Every image I had of myself as a parent has been shoved out the window. I can just about feed them all.

DH says I can go for walks, to the cinema, anywhere I want with anyone I want but I have no friends because I was a teen mom and nobody wanted to hang around with a baby (after the initial intrigue) so I have 0 friends left.
I didn't really click with anyone at the school gates and the one mom I liked moved. one i hated also moved
I haven't got time for hobbies because of the kids.

most importantly DH said I can go out for a bus ride (I was moaning because he was moaning about having to take the bus for work and I was jealous of the time he would spend alone) and i realised that I have had nowhere to go AT ALL for almost a whole decade now and it hurts. I can actually feel pain thinking about it.
And I've been crying on and off ever since that conversation. It feels as though I've just opened my eyes and realised how incredibly lonely I am.

My family don't want me around too much because I bring the noise and chaos of 2 children a toddler and a baby.
As I said, I have no friends.
DH is always at work or if he is home its a mad rush to get things done while he is back.
I have no time to myself.

I feel like a hollow shell, but I also feel like I'm crumbling. like every time I have to break up a fight a little piece of me is being chipped away.

I had a breakdown and have every other weekly home visits from a nurse. She is lovely but she can't give me what I really need, which is somewhere to be, like a job or university course. She can't get me friends. She can't stop me crying all day long.
My children were talking about me crying again today, amongst themselves. I don't know what to do, I feel so trapped. I am inadequate as a mother at the moment. With homeschooling and no break at all from even just the older ones I am actually cracking. I can't even feel parts of my body sometimes I actually feel numb and hopeless.

I know that I can't afford childcare until my youngest is in reception, that is 3 and a half years away. I can't have had nothing to do for 13/ 14 years. I won't make it.

What do you wnat to do? Do you qualify for free courses, as you might depending on income status?

What would you like to study? You can study part time while you have the kids.

Friends, honestly join an exercise club (after covid) one even a week eg martial arts or a running club or something. It will help your head and you will meet ppl. Dp can have the kids for a couple of hours.

My mom studied part time for her degree while having 4 kids so it can be done if you wnat to.

If your husband works all over the country is it possible for you to relocate to a different cheaper area for housing perhaps looking at a shared ownership house to give you the room you need. Moving to a new area means that you will come into contact with new people and new opportunities. Have you learnt to drive? If not focus on that - as that will bring you a huge amount of freedom to get out from under. If the reason for staying in a location is just because of parents that don’t help or your partners favourite pub or mates then you really do have to put your foot down. You absolutely need to make yourself a priority as only then will you have the headspace to deal with being a mum. You OP are a goddess it’s just that you’ve been knocked off your plinth . So make up on and start climbing back on it. Love and admiration to you x

I recognise what’s going are feeling.

Things do move on.

I think you need a new horizon - reception for your youngest is as good a date as any. This will be the date you start to become more you.

Who will you be at that point, well

A very resilient and capable mum for sure!

If you want to work at that point what would you like to do?
Do a bit of research - what jobs are around - what floats your boat?
Out of the house for example or wfh?
Customer facing for variety or a team member for belonging with other adults or a roving role with a car?
A substantial role which will mean reliable childcare is needed or something to dip in and out of in term time only?

Your children with their strong foundation will adapt.

You will find your time. When DH is around take an hour to go out alone, cycle, walk whatever but refresh your head. Take a lie in morning.

Fo you want to do a short course to stimulate your vmbrain and think of something else? Other than home and kids?

I don’t want to sound like I’m advertising but I suffer anxiety and being intellectually busy helps.. pm me as I assess short courses and they are free and you get a certificate.. maybe you can find something that you can see yourself doing in a few years... and 4 children is a lot of caring on your own all day, read about burden of caring

With all due respect what made you have four children?

How the hell is that any use to the OP? What's she meant to say? 'Oh right I'll wind back time and only have 2" or "OK I'll find a convenient bush to leave a couple of them under"?

Fucksake there are some insensitive buggers on here.

OP -

Hopefully the older children can return to school soon . Will the toddler qualify for any free nursery hours? It should be easier to get out or visit family with just baby . I know you probably don’t feel like exercise but can you put baby in a chair and do an online class with the others. I have discovered podcasts in lockdown and so many things on there to listen to . Sit the children in front of the TV for a while . They will be fine. I found that my old school has a Facebook page and I have connected with some old friends on there . I am a messy housewife so also joined a decluttering group . Good to see people in the same boat ! When your husband is home get out for a walk with a family member if no friends available. You need a break. My local college has a crèche . Could you start researching courses for September. Good luck . It must be so hard but it will get better .

You sound lovely but so overwhelmed. I know you said your family aren't really interested in spending time with you and your dcs, but have you in any way told them what you are going through? If you have parents close by would they look after the dcs even for a couple of hours a week so you could get out of the house on your own?

Hi OP, parenting 4 young children in a flat (do you have a garden?)whilst effectively single parenting during a pandemic is next level parenting in my opinion. You’re doing brilliantly and please collect your superhero outfit from me - but it’s all taking its toll. You are doing at least three jobs alone and you’re in danger of breaking under the strain, many people would have done so already.

Please consider getting some emotional support, be that an on-line group or therapy. I’m not sure how the nurse assessed that you didn’t need the latter. As pp have said, release a bit of your savings if you have to. If finding an hour a week where you can talk to someone by phone or video isn’t possible (are there times when the children are all asleep?) then some therapists will do email or even text therapy. Use BACP, UKCP or Counselling Directory and take a look at some profiles. If you are doing remote therapy, it doesn’t matter if the therapist lives some distance from you. This is your mental health. Don’t let anyone say it’s not important. Your capacity to be a happy and fulfilled human being is vital to you and your kids.

@Silvercatowner

With all due respect what made you have four children?

How the hell is that any use to the OP? What's she meant to say? 'Oh right I'll wind back time and only have 2" or "OK I'll find a convenient bush to leave a couple of them under"?

Fucksake there are some insensitive buggers on here.

OP -

It’s a fair question, especially given the OP’s fraught state of mind and that the family are renting a flat and clearly not well-off — it makes a difference to potential advice if she’s had repeated contraception failures, or her DH has persuaded or coerced her into more children than she wanted, or she’s actually been sabotaging her own ambitions by repeatedly having another child because she’s afraid of embracing a new life.

I don't think asking why OP and her DH chose to have 4 children in a short time is rude or insensitive, it's trying to understand the motivation. To me, 4 children would be too much to cope with, 1 can feel suffocating at times!! OP and DH must have really really wanted to have a large family, knowing the restrictions this would put on OP's own life due to her DH's career, and that was the choice they made. So, if it was a happy planned choice then maybe OP can make peace with her choices and feel more positive about it than she does now. What changed OP?

Op, I could have written most of this myself. I feel very similar. Was a teen mom and have mainly been a SAHM since. My eldest has additional needs too. I love my kids but my food they are hard work and I feel like I have no purpose and worthless tbh. I don’t really have any advice other than you sound like you are doing a fab job despite the struggles.

Does your husband help out a lot when he’s home? I know we are in lockdown at the minute. But could you leave the children with him and go shopping or something once lockdown is over (I’m not talking food shopping, maybe some proper retail thereby!). I know you say you are breast feeding so that will make it harder.

I feel like I have no fun. We haven’t had a holiday in years. I’m just a ‘mum’ who does the same thing every single day over and over again!

We don’t have much family around either. Well they are around but they aren’t very supportive.

I don’t really have much to say! But it will get better op! Maybe speak to a professional or perhaps some counselling 💗

I’ve been where you are, I had 5 babies in 5 years, moved away from family (who I wasn’t close to anyway tbf) to be with exh. I had no friends and no hobbies, loved my kids but was bored and stressed, and not the mum I imagined. It will get better, and it will go quicker than you think.

I actually got divorced and we split custody which was the best thing I ever done, but that’s a different story! I went back to college and got a job, 7 years on I have a successful business, a new husband and another 3 kids so sort of back to square one but I have my business and my DH is a different kettle of fish to the first one. Kids are in a strict routine so I get plenty of me time (naps and early bedtimes).

Breastfeeding is bloody hard, my 5th baby I fed til she was 3 and I would t do it again tbh. Do t feel bad for stopping if you think it would make life easier.

Hi, so sorry you are feeling low, lockdown can’t be helping either with every where closed. I remember the days of young children and endless cycle of feeding, changing Etc I had to get out each day just for my own sanity even if it was just for a walk. You say you have no time hobbies and just being you. Could you try learning a new skill which could be done at home while the kids are sleeping or watching tv ? Baking bread, loom knitting? Going on you tube and doing an exercise class? Your older kids could join in just having something different to do might help. X

And he’s unless there’s a reason not to then make use of family. I never had that support before but dhs family are really supportive and have my little ones 9-6 two days a week so I can work but also even when I’m not working so I can have a break.

Please get that therapist referal; there are deeper issues here that I suspect have something to do with your own environment growing up. Loving families do not exclude members because they have noisy children in tow, they welcome, accept and enjoy them. Would you put conditions on how your own children try to connect with you one day? You say that you are a SAHM but haven't had anything to do for 8 years. You are a mother. Do you recognise the enormous value in that? Do you also recognise that because society does not value (or support) mothering (because it does not earn the £££'s) that you have the choice to refuse to buy into that narrative and be proud of what you are doing. This urge to 'get away' is a flight response from feeling trapped; it is not going to address the underlying issues. You have far more worth than you seem to realise and you owe it to yourself and those closest to you, to discover that. I hope you can get some support in place soon.

Like everyone I guess who is a Sahp, but your stress is quadrupled. I know it’s difficult, but try thinking glass half full instead of glass half empty. You’re lucky you can be a SAHM, because the alternative, with four DCs, would definitely send you crazy. Your DP sounds like he’s doing the best he can. And I think lockdown is magnifying your unhappiness. There’s not a lot we can advise you to do atm, but more options once lockdown is done. The good thing is you say you have a plan. Focus on that. Even if 3 years away, research and get your ducks in a row for how the plan is going to work. Try and get time to yourself, even if it’s just shutting yourself away in your bedroom for an hour whilst your DP takes charge. Once lockdown is over, engage with other parents in your local area via Facebook or toddler groups. There are options, but sometimes you have to work that little bit harder to see them.

How the hell is that any use to the OP? What's she meant to say? 'Oh right I'll wind back time and only have 2" or "OK I'll find a convenient bush to leave a couple of them under"?
But that's the fire if the issue. Most parents stop at 2 or 3 children even when broody so that they don't end up in OPs situation.

Being trapped for 8 years is what comes of choosing to have 4 children. You can't take out the consequences of some decisions.

Saying that, as it's been suggested, it just a case of waiting and good planning. OP is young and still has so many options for her future. Which is why having children young and close in age can be a very good decision too.

In the meantime, it's inevitable that things are going to be very tough, especially under the current conditions. I hope you can soon make friends as ultimately, this would make such a huge difference, especially if they could have similar circumstances to you so you could share your frustrations, but also plans for the future.

Stop having kids, stick them in childcare and get your fucking life back woman! You'll feel like a new person once you're out of the misery that is being a SAHP.
Hire a cleaner, your husband is away a lot, there must be some perks, good salary?? You're better than a skivvy, you're a real human fgs!

It doesn't make sense for your husband to work like a dog in a job where you're still struggling for money. He should be reassessing the level of time and effort he gives to his job, so he can be at home more. Otherwise it's the worst possible outcome, where he's away all the time as many high earners are but you're not getting any of the financial benefits that high-earner spouses get for all the time spent parenting alone.

Me again where abouts are you OP? As my local area has set up zoom meetings for mums to meet up and chat with other mums like they would at playgroups etc May be you could look into seeing if this is something your local council is doing, the early years team will possible know. Sadly I can’t see playgroups opening up anytime soon after lock down, ours as been shut since March last year. Mostly due to the lockdown, then restrictions on numbers who could attend and lastly as it was run by childminders they were not allowed to take there mindees to groups where the public were going.

Do you drive? If not can you try to learn? That will give you some freedom. Can you register dc with a council run nursery?

I don't understand why you would keep having children, in what you call a tiny flat? And I say that as someone with 4 children!
You must be so young.

Where abouts are you? Are there any facebook groups for the local area where you could see if any other mums fancy a walk or meet at the park - obviously if/when rules allow x

And also you sound like an amazing mum! Be kind to yourself x