I've had nothing to do for nearly a decade.

[grannyinapram]

I am a SAHM and have been for 8 years now. I quit college when I was pregnant and haven't had a thing to do or a place to be since.
I don't have any hobbies and I couldn't even if I wanted to because DH works so much.
I often say to him that he's lucky that he has time to himself on his way to work (he can work anywhere from Cornwall to Scotland) so he has hours to himself at a time. He works away a lot too, so he has nights, sometimes a week to himself to do whatever he wants and to be Bob, not daddy, not husband, not even employee, but Bob.
I haven't been myself for years.
I don't actually recognise myself at all. I have 4 beautiful but young children. I'm breastfeeding, someone is always picking me, touching me, burping on me, farting on me, showing me bogeys or blood, sick, snot, fucking poo.
I used to be a nice, normal girl and now I'm just an angry mom who shouts too much and swears even more.
Every image I had of myself as a parent has been shoved out the window. I can just about feed them all.

DH says I can go for walks, to the cinema, anywhere I want with anyone I want but I have no friends because I was a teen mom and nobody wanted to hang around with a baby (after the initial intrigue) so I have 0 friends left.
I didn't really click with anyone at the school gates and the one mom I liked moved. one i hated also moved
I haven't got time for hobbies because of the kids.

most importantly DH said I can go out for a bus ride (I was moaning because he was moaning about having to take the bus for work and I was jealous of the time he would spend alone) and i realised that I have had nowhere to go AT ALL for almost a whole decade now and it hurts. I can actually feel pain thinking about it.
And I've been crying on and off ever since that conversation. It feels as though I've just opened my eyes and realised how incredibly lonely I am.

My family don't want me around too much because I bring the noise and chaos of 2 children a toddler and a baby.
As I said, I have no friends.
DH is always at work or if he is home its a mad rush to get things done while he is back.
I have no time to myself.

I feel like a hollow shell, but I also feel like I'm crumbling. like every time I have to break up a fight a little piece of me is being chipped away.

I had a breakdown and have every other weekly home visits from a nurse. She is lovely but she can't give me what I really need, which is somewhere to be, like a job or university course. She can't get me friends. She can't stop me crying all day long.
My children were talking about me crying again today, amongst themselves. I don't know what to do, I feel so trapped. I am inadequate as a mother at the moment. With homeschooling and no break at all from even just the older ones I am actually cracking. I can't even feel parts of my body sometimes I actually feel numb and hopeless.

I know that I can't afford childcare until my youngest is in reception, that is 3 and a half years away. I can't have had nothing to do for 13/ 14 years. I won't make it.

I think some people are just determined to paint the OPs husband as the bad guy here, he sounds like he is trying his best, working hard to support 6 people (6!), doing stuff at home too and then by the OPS admission, having a wife who is really struggling, is very emotional, gives him a hard time, etc. I don't think it sounds like he is is the problem at all and it's not going to make her feel or be better to portray him as such.

OP hats off to you, you have raised 4 tiny humans that’s an achievement. I’m always amazed by SAHMs as I know I couldn’t do it and mine went to nursery at 8 months so I could work part time. Where are you in the world? I’m in the north east and there’s a few Facebook groups where you can post your area and find a walking buddy to meet with the pram for a socially distanced walk- could a family member have the older ones so you could do something like this? What is your long term plan? Although you can’t do anything big now could you do a few free online courses in preparation for this? My husband (in non covid times) worked in Europe 2 weeks of the month so
I get that it puts a different dynamic on things But when he is home he puts a lot into easing my burden so he takes the kids so I can go out and about, he does the house work and laundry (and pays for a cleaner every other week for when he is away). Turning a crap thing upside down he lost this job in the first lockdown due to not being able to travel/company financial difficulties and it has ended up being a blessing as he is now home every evening and has found a job locally which although is less money what we have gained from routine and the load not travelling has lifted.
With regards to your nurse and therapy are you being 100% honest with them? She says your better and so not chasing the therapy but is this because the picture you are painting is that things are better? Be completely honest although it’s hard you will get the correct help
If people know what’s going on. I say this as someone who had severe PND and managed to put on a good front to the people I thought I should.
Easy for me to say but this too shall pass. It’s going to be a slog for another couple of years (not helped by covid) but that gives you time to plan. Plan the courses, plan the job, plan the routine for 4 in school/childcare and be kind to yourself.

Although your mood is obviously not healthy, I think your actual life isn’t unusual for a sahm of 4!
I felt a lot like you once. I had my 3 pretty young, we lived in a cramped flat in London and my husband worked until 10 every evening and went away a lot. I dropped out of university and I honestly felt like like all I had done for years was get pregnant, breastfeed, make meals, go to the park, do crafts etc etc. I also felt like I didn’t have anywhere to go or anything to properly do for years and years. So I empathise a lot. I also didn’t have her many friends as mine were still going out, getting careers, and I found a lot of the mums a bit standoffish and obsessed only with with their NCT chums.
Your time will come. Mine are all (or were!) at school and we finally got enough money to move to a house in a more ritual village. It was easier to make friends. Before covid I spent my time getting coffee with friends, going running, having slightly calmer evenings with the kids and doing day trips in the holidays with other mums and children.

Give it time, maybe don’t have any more children (!) and do nice things for yourself in the evening. During my lonely time I made it worse my sitting on my phone all evening. Watch tv, read books, have a bath etc

@justasmalltownmum

You need to talk to your husband. He needs to be doing a lot more.

Such as what? He's working full time, travelling around as a part of that job, not as a jolly, the OP says in later posts how good he is.

@theleafandnotthetree

I think some people are just determined to paint the OPs husband as the bad guy here, he sounds like he is trying his best, working hard to support 6 people (6!), doing stuff at home too and then by the OPS admission, having a wife who is really struggling, is very emotional, gives him a hard time, etc. I don't think it sounds like he is is the problem at all and it's not going to make her feel or be better to portray him as such.

Well said, too often on this site fathers are painted as the evil one for not being able to do 30 hours a day at work then take over when they're home.

OP, there has been a lot of overwhelming advice on here. I really do feel for you . I have been where you are (but with only one child at a time) in a flat in a foreign country, no family help, and a DH who worked v long hours. This is what I did:

(1) DH absolutely MUST take over on a Sat or a Sun and you need to get out. I went to a book club ( gets the mind working) and went for long walks every weekend.
(2) Assuming your DH gets paid more than average for working away. Get a cleaner when lockdown is over if you can. I insisted on this.
(3) Try to make mom friends and exchange babysitting services. Obv it was easier for me with only one and the other in school. Still, I don't think you should rule this out post lockdown. Kids are easier to mind when together.

This sounds so hard.

I don't know what to say... You must be absolutely shattered.

Are there any fb groups you can join with common interests? Any hobby you could learn that just takes an hour a day?

Please feel free to message me if you just fancy inane chat! I'm good at that 💐

Sorry my post reads like I think people should not have given advice. Did not meant that. I just meant the next step may be overwhelming , but you should begin by making DH take over one day a week.

@BeakyWinder

I don't think asking why OP and her DH chose to have 4 children in a short time is rude or insensitive, it's trying to understand the motivation. To me, 4 children would be too much to cope with, 1 can feel suffocating at times!! OP and DH must have really really wanted to have a large family, knowing the restrictions this would put on OP's own life due to her DH's career, and that was the choice they made. So, if it was a happy planned choice then maybe OP can make peace with her choices and feel more positive about it than she does now. What changed OP?

It is a good question

It will remind OP why she wanted to, or show up if it's been a lack of planning and then either of those can be the basis for what comes next.

Or if it's been a balm for trauma. A painful thing to look at it but it will be cathartic.

Revisit the financial plan at the time etc

Ask if there's PND involved.

Re the loneliness - it could be the OP misses herself.

I notice OP says when her partner comes home, there's "all the rushing about" and I wonder what that is.

Where abouts do you live OP? Like which region? There are some apps like Mush, Peanut that can help you start getting to know other mums and if the conversation doesn't flow naturally, no awkwardness of real life scenarios.

I've made some pretty decent IRL friends off there at a time I felt severely lonely x

I think many people having a go at OP having 4 children are being a bit unkind and unhelpful.

I only have young two children and I feel very much the same feelings she describes. I didn't choose to have two pre-schoolers in a pandemic. The OP couldn't have predicted when she conceived no4 that she would she would be stuck in a small flat, homeschooling older children, and looking after a toddler with no playgroups etc to go to.

The OP says they were supposed to be buying a house but are currently stuck due to these unforeseen circumstances. There's no playgroups running, older children at home etc. It sounds like this low mood is a reasonably recent thing, again probably heightened by the pandemic.

Don't kick someone when they are already down by pointing out how they could have done something 'better' when they have absolutely no way to go back and change it.

What use is making the OP kick herself for the amount of children she has to this situation? It's not helpful at all.

@BeakyWinder

I don't think asking why OP and her DH chose to have 4 children in a short time is rude or insensitive, it's trying to understand the motivation. To me, 4 children would be too much to cope with, 1 can feel suffocating at times!! OP and DH must have really really wanted to have a large family, knowing the restrictions this would put on OP's own life due to her DH's career, and that was the choice they made. So, if it was a happy planned choice then maybe OP can make peace with her choices and feel more positive about it than she does now. What changed OP?

I also agree it's a good question. There are so many threads on MN where the OP has made choices (as opposed to unexpected things happening) which have led to them being trapped in the situation they are in. Having 4 young children was always going to be incredibly hard, even before you add in all the other factors (stuck in a rual location with no public transport unable to drive is the other situation comes up a lot as well)

I do think it's worth OP reminding herself why she made the decision to have 4 children (assuming the youngest aren't multiples). How did she expect her life to go at this point? If she had more children because she loved being a SAHM and having children around her - what's changed? Is it lockdown impact? Of course it's equally valid to have changed her mind about what she wants to do with her life. But working out what that is, and how she can start to get there are the first steps.

@yvanka

I think you need a plan to focus on. In a few years you'll have so much more freedom to do whatever you want. Decide whether that's a uni course, a particular job or vocational qualification, and find out exactly what it will take to get there. You'll feel more in control.

This is what I would have said. I am getting through lockdown by planning a holiday for 2022. I may never go on it, but it gives me a sense of 'after'. Plan what you're going to do in the future, which will come and will be much better.

Even 10 minutes a day or 30 mins a week of planning will really add up. It sounds like you're still quite young so you will be able to get started on this in your late 20s or early 30s and that's plenty young enough for most things.

Wish I could give you advice but never had kids so I can only imagine how overwhelmed you must feel. For some perspective you haven't been doing "nothing" for the past decade, you have been looking after your kids.

I presume the eldest is about 10ish now? Perhaps you could get them to help you with chores/babysitting the younger ones, just so you could have some time to yourself? Even if it's just sitting on the internet, browsing with a cuppa for an hour. x

Are you married?

I’m if not, you’re in a ridiculously vulnerable position and really need to prioritise getting yourself sorted.