I've had nothing to do for nearly a decade.

[grannyinapram]

I am a SAHM and have been for 8 years now. I quit college when I was pregnant and haven't had a thing to do or a place to be since.
I don't have any hobbies and I couldn't even if I wanted to because DH works so much.
I often say to him that he's lucky that he has time to himself on his way to work (he can work anywhere from Cornwall to Scotland) so he has hours to himself at a time. He works away a lot too, so he has nights, sometimes a week to himself to do whatever he wants and to be Bob, not daddy, not husband, not even employee, but Bob.
I haven't been myself for years.
I don't actually recognise myself at all. I have 4 beautiful but young children. I'm breastfeeding, someone is always picking me, touching me, burping on me, farting on me, showing me bogeys or blood, sick, snot, fucking poo.
I used to be a nice, normal girl and now I'm just an angry mom who shouts too much and swears even more.
Every image I had of myself as a parent has been shoved out the window. I can just about feed them all.

DH says I can go for walks, to the cinema, anywhere I want with anyone I want but I have no friends because I was a teen mom and nobody wanted to hang around with a baby (after the initial intrigue) so I have 0 friends left.
I didn't really click with anyone at the school gates and the one mom I liked moved. one i hated also moved
I haven't got time for hobbies because of the kids.

most importantly DH said I can go out for a bus ride (I was moaning because he was moaning about having to take the bus for work and I was jealous of the time he would spend alone) and i realised that I have had nowhere to go AT ALL for almost a whole decade now and it hurts. I can actually feel pain thinking about it.
And I've been crying on and off ever since that conversation. It feels as though I've just opened my eyes and realised how incredibly lonely I am.

My family don't want me around too much because I bring the noise and chaos of 2 children a toddler and a baby.
As I said, I have no friends.
DH is always at work or if he is home its a mad rush to get things done while he is back.
I have no time to myself.

I feel like a hollow shell, but I also feel like I'm crumbling. like every time I have to break up a fight a little piece of me is being chipped away.

I had a breakdown and have every other weekly home visits from a nurse. She is lovely but she can't give me what I really need, which is somewhere to be, like a job or university course. She can't get me friends. She can't stop me crying all day long.
My children were talking about me crying again today, amongst themselves. I don't know what to do, I feel so trapped. I am inadequate as a mother at the moment. With homeschooling and no break at all from even just the older ones I am actually cracking. I can't even feel parts of my body sometimes I actually feel numb and hopeless.

I know that I can't afford childcare until my youngest is in reception, that is 3 and a half years away. I can't have had nothing to do for 13/ 14 years. I won't make it.

What about an open University course or learning a language you've always liked, writing down your memorys might help you as will keeping a diary, giving yourself a target to hit that week maybe a from a skill or anything and build it up 10days so things don't seem endless and time moves faster than you think soon your house will be full of stroppy teens and you'll wonder what happened,

This will pass.
I was you, many years ago, and not in a pandemic..but had 4 kids five and under and felt like all I was was a bottom wiper and general slave..my dh was away in the Forces and when home worked long shifts and it sucked my soul away.
I can't pretend I ever got a high flying career... I did start a second degree but had to withdraw when DH was posted to Irac...BUT the children grew..went to school... I volunteered at a local special school and have now been a TA there for 16 years! I took up a hobby to keep me sane and to meet people.
You need support now.. I have HUGE respect for homeschooling parents because it sucks. But it will pass and you are young enough for form a plan, whether it's work, or a hobby..for the future. Hang IN there!

Hi OP, I'm sorry you're struggling so much. I think anyone would be in your situation. A few things I'd try:

1. Birth control to ensure no more children.
2. Going on a local app to meet other mothers with children nearby. I am in the U.S. so I'm not sure what's used in the UK, but here there are Facebook groups, Meetup.com, the Peanut app, Nextdoor.com etc. that are all organizing socially distanced outdoor meetups and park trips etc. for mothers with children. This would give you a chance to do two important things. First, meet other parents and have some adult chat, and second, if you work at it, potentially find someone locally you can swap childcare with for free to occasionally get a break (i know it's not allowed in lockdown but I see many doing it, and it sounds like you truly aren't coping).

Trust me, there are many young mothers in your position who'd love a friend, too.

You need to take some of those savings and all get yourselves on a holiday op. I would have unraveled a long time ago with 4 young children in a flat. There are times you have to spend money to keep your sanity. This is that time.

I really feel for you OP. You are not alone in finding lockdown hard but your particular circumstances seem really tough.

I was one of four children, we lived in a flat and can only imagine how hard it was for my mum to keep us entertained, fed, clean, happy and all the rest.

There is no shame in asking for help again. If it means using some savings to facilitate it, please do. Your children want a happy mum more than they’ll ever want a new home. Trust me. Please don’t take this the wrong way but you said you cry often in front of them, this must be really unsettling for your older children. You owe it to yourself and then to ask both your GP and your DH to help with a sustainable solution. If that means the deposit has to go on hold, so be it. You’ll find a way to earn back the money when you are healthier. You’re health is your wealth and currently you are struggling with yours. This should be a family priority.

Tell your GP what you’ve told us about how you’re feeling. I agree that EMDR is fantastic for trauma.

@grannyinapram

I too think you need to explore find out all the different kinds of therapies out there op.
You be surprised by the many different types of therapies and the theories behind them too,especially as you sound like you have a curious emotionally intelligent /educational mind.

I think Hypnotherapy and CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy could be beneficial for you op.
as Hypnotherapy is effective on semi conscious dream state mind,which is more conducive,receptive to the positive changes you like to make in your life.

@grannyinapram
I don't know if you can do either a self referal or have to be referal via a health visitor etc.
But you could find out this through ringing up your local doctors surgery to find out.

CBT Therapy is a way of changing negative thought/behavioural patterns, that are no good for you,
so it helps you to establish more positive assertive ways to be able to move on forward in your life !

Helps you to get out being stuck in a rut feeling !
Like being being stuck, in quigmire, you know the feeling of stumbling, being stuck in quick sand and you are struggling to get out of it.!
And seeming like the more you you struggle,the deeper you feeling stuck in the it,quicksand !

@grannyinapram

I have also found out that there is a particular type of Yoga,that is beneficial that is effective for releasing Trauma from the body.
(you can find out about all kinds of therapies online by going onto Google.

(Mediation is beneficial for releasing stress and and effective for enhancing thinking more clearly with clarity too.
(it only takes 10 -15 mins to be beneficial effects in this way,and its free too,
I know you have obviously got very limited time for yourself ,but I can think it would be good for you too.
look up on the internet ,for good meditations sounds to do this !

@Porridgeoat

Contact the nurse and tell her how awful you feel. Ask for the therapist referral

Ask your DH to take the kids out for a couple of hours Saturday and Sunday to give you breathing space

Take the pram and baby out for an hours walk daily

Contact your local sure start and ask for support

If you have the mental space look into studying online.

When you were at school which subjects did you like? What sort of person are you? Social? Introvert? Sporty? Academic?

You need to be ok to look after 4 children, I think pushing for therapy and finding your own interests or hobby is important. You are allowed a life outside being a mum it is important too. Take care

You are burnt out and stressed. You don’t need medicine. You need support and time off! Every Saturday he has the kids all day and you go see family on your own without the kids. I know you said you’re BF but how old is baby? Time to stop? You can’t and shouldn’t have to sacrifice yourself for children. Are you on the pill? No more kids! 4 is enough now. Keep talking here. We can help you sort yourself out. You can PM me. I was in a similar position to you. I now do online exercise classes. Can you get up and have an hour of yoga before the kids are awake. What about moving somewhere cheaper so you can afford childcare

Also, every evening once kids are in bed I do free online courses/webinars. There are loads out there right now. What areas are you interested in? I’ll find some links for you

OP you write very eloquently and evocatively, have you thought of taking up writing as a hobby or indeed a profession?

I'm reading Betty Friedan's The Feminist Mystique at the moment. It was written in 1963 about how 1950s American housewives were so unhappy, having been mis sold the idea of being housewives and having children.

Your post sounded exactly like the things they were saying. It isn't enough for most women to be devoted solely to the family and to lose themselves. You need your own identity.

The sad thing is your husband doesn't seem supportive in recognising this. Perhaps because he is used to the status quo. But I don't think this feeling will go away for you unless you make some changes.

Can you get child care? Carve out some time for yourself even if just for a hobby if not a job?

You sound overwhelmed and perhaps have post natal depression. Or normal depression.
My advice :

1. Get rock solid contraception or your DP/DH sterilized (vasectomy)
2. Call school. Speak to the FSA family support and see if you can get your older 2 back into school on a vulnerable child space as with a toddler and baby at home, it's not like you can help them or they have a quiet place to do school work.
3. See if you can access nursery for the toddler under funded hours place.

This will give you a bit more breathing room.

When DP is home after work and weekends, leave all the kids with him (and milk expressed for the baby) and go for a walk every night.
Go on your local FB group and find someone to walk with in the evening or go alone daytime weekends when he's home.
You'll get time alone, and exercise which helps with depression and he'll experience parenting alone.

Sorry life is overwhelming now. Your kids will quickly get more independent though.

Hey,

You’ve had some great advice from others so far. I don’t have much useful advice to add, however I did want to point out that you are really not alone.
Young kids and the loss of identity is hard, but pretty normal. I have young children and am breastfeeding the youngest (so really empathise with the constant touching!), and actually it’s not at all fun, it’s monotonous, relentless and hard work. But, I really do want to say this to you:

You sound wonderful. You’re incredibly articulate, you clearly have ambition, sounds like your husband is pretty decent and you have four beautiful healthy children. I have no experience of depression so apologies is this comes across as flippant or patronising (it really isn’t intended to be so), but you are extremely fortunate and many many women would be envious of what you have. Please try to appreciate the day to day because not everyone has a loving partner, kids, a safe home, youth etc.
In terms of the hobbies and identity thing, yes I think working will be important to you and I’m really pleased you have goals. They sound a little far away but that’s fantastic that you have a clear idea of what you do want and actually with what’s going on in the world, short dated plans are likely to be pushed out so maybe you’re onto something by planning a bit further ahead?! I’m struggling to define my own goals and aims so I think it’s fantastic you have that plan in mind. And it’s brilliant that you will be able to purchase a home hopefully as soon as things become more stable. I’m not entirely convinced everyone needs hobbies however. I think mumsnetting, Pinterest boards for future (mostly pipe dream) house decor, reading and Netflix are about the extent of how I use my non-existent ‘free’ time right now, but in all honesty if I had genuine hours to myself I’d probably just do more of this stuff, or go for walks or a run or something. I don’t feel the need to have lots of social activities or true hobbies and I’m pretty certain lots of us feel this way. So don’t beat yourself up too much about that aspect or compare yourself to others that have genuine passions and serious hobbies. Good for them, but I still reckon that’s a vast number of us that aren’t all that bothered.
And on that note, if you are seeking out like minded people as are craving friendship, then this thread has hopefully highlighted that there are people in similar situations, having similar thoughts out there.

Take it day by day and look at the small steps to aim for. The older children will hopefully be back to school soon, the pandemic will ease, in a year or so your toddler will be old enough for nursery and the baby toddling. Once they are all over 3 it will get much easier and then carrying on getting easier.

I struggled with four young children and had no friends as we’d moved area. Now the youngest is 11 and I’ve been building a career. My eldest two are adults and are able to take me out and my grown dd has been my company during the lockdowns. It does get better.

OP you are depressed and need help. You can call 0300 012 0012 and get some counselling but you may need to persevere trying different treatments

Your husband needs to book some annual leave and give you a break, space, companionship etc

It's tough when kids are young in any case and things will improve when they are older

Oh dear you poor thing. Everyone is offering lots of kind words and helpful suggestions, which I won’t duplicate. I just wondered if you are taking steps to make sure you won’t get pregnant again?

You are clearly depressed and you need help. You must not feel that you've achieved nothing. I know your first baby was unplanned but surely you planned the others and you've built an amazing family. Four children was always going to be hard, and I'm sure you knew that. The issue now is that you are overwhelmed because you are depressed.

Ask your GP for help again. Is there anyone you can ask for help who is not your DH? I know people are suggesting your DH takes time off but given that's your only income, I see that as a very risky move. You could end up with no income and 6 people to house and feed.

Try antidepressants again. You need help now to get you through this patch.

You have had constructive advice, an avalanche of it. But your post really touched me and I didnt want to run.

I am honestly in awe of you keeping the show on the road at all with 4 kids under 8, in a flat, homeschooling in a lockdown. With a husband that works long hours with days and even weeks away.

The putting on hold of the new house (flat?) purchase sounds like it was a blow. But with a husband that works away from Cornwall to scotland and family that are a bit distant and no current social circle could you reassess your search area and find somewhere bigger you could afford? It is perhaps too much stress and too difficult in a lockdown but at least revisiting plans and priorities seems worthwhile. May be easier before you have 4x school places to find too..

On hobbies you are so articulate here have you thought about creative writing groups? Not at all my area but I get the impression they can be very flexible in terms of posting material, critiquing others’ work even if you (obviously!) can’t make regular meeting, even online. Testing means to make online connections now may help you figure out what in real life options to explore once you have more childcare support.

Get your nurse to contact your older children's school and get them back in as vulnerable children. Try and find a pre-school that takes children from aged 2, and get your youngest on the waiting list. They are priced differently to childcare nurseries and you might find two mornings a week term time in your budget, especially if you start saving now.

Lots of good advice here.

Someone has mentioned IAPT but would just like to add that you can self-refer online so no need to fight with GP/nurse to get a referral. I referred myself for anxiety which wasn't overwhelming me but that I wanted to get on top of and it's been really good. Even if it isn't enough for you it might be a foot in the door to other options.

Hi op
A solidarity post here, I hear you although I have one toddler and another baby on the way.
I honestly think lock down has contributed to how many of us are feeling, it's been going on for so long my poor toddler yesterday refused to go for a walk, to me that speaks volumes.
My husband is fantastic and works long hours, I truely envy him leaving for work.
However, this year I finish a degree I have been working on in the evenings with the open university and it feels amazing.
I was a very well respected and educated women in a managerial role, fell pregnant and suffered from ptsd and health anxiety which prevented me returning to work. We went from two very good salaries to one decent wage and me putting a claim in for universal credit. I've never felt stress like it.
My point is our plan, which I remind myself of when I feel low. My toddler gets his funded hours (please still exist come Sept) and will go to nursey three mornings, me and the baby will hopefully have some classes to join, once baby is two my return to work begins and when I replay this in my head my mood lifts dramatically.

My point, you are not alone. Having children is wonderful but can also be wonderfully isolating and none of us predicted a pandemic to contend with also. We are thankfully, half way through. Sending you a big hug.

It sounds like you are doing amazingly in a really hard situation. My DH works away a lot, it's bloody hard with one, let alone four- it's no wonder you are finding it challenging.

I think there are several things, the first is that although you have tried and it can be really frustrating trying to access support, I would keep trying for your trauma, for you. Although DH works hard, it doesn't seem to be paying off as a family, you are keeping things running when he is away, but struggling on through in a home that's too small. If he is away so much, doesn't he get decent pay to make up for it? He needs to help sort the housing situation, for everyone's sake. Do you get access to money to buy stuff for you now and then as well?

In honesty it probably won't substantially change until he works closer to home and isn't away as much, is that something he will even consider or explore?