I've had nothing to do for nearly a decade.

[grannyinapram]

I am a SAHM and have been for 8 years now. I quit college when I was pregnant and haven't had a thing to do or a place to be since.
I don't have any hobbies and I couldn't even if I wanted to because DH works so much.
I often say to him that he's lucky that he has time to himself on his way to work (he can work anywhere from Cornwall to Scotland) so he has hours to himself at a time. He works away a lot too, so he has nights, sometimes a week to himself to do whatever he wants and to be Bob, not daddy, not husband, not even employee, but Bob.
I haven't been myself for years.
I don't actually recognise myself at all. I have 4 beautiful but young children. I'm breastfeeding, someone is always picking me, touching me, burping on me, farting on me, showing me bogeys or blood, sick, snot, fucking poo.
I used to be a nice, normal girl and now I'm just an angry mom who shouts too much and swears even more.
Every image I had of myself as a parent has been shoved out the window. I can just about feed them all.

DH says I can go for walks, to the cinema, anywhere I want with anyone I want but I have no friends because I was a teen mom and nobody wanted to hang around with a baby (after the initial intrigue) so I have 0 friends left.
I didn't really click with anyone at the school gates and the one mom I liked moved. one i hated also moved
I haven't got time for hobbies because of the kids.

most importantly DH said I can go out for a bus ride (I was moaning because he was moaning about having to take the bus for work and I was jealous of the time he would spend alone) and i realised that I have had nowhere to go AT ALL for almost a whole decade now and it hurts. I can actually feel pain thinking about it.
And I've been crying on and off ever since that conversation. It feels as though I've just opened my eyes and realised how incredibly lonely I am.

My family don't want me around too much because I bring the noise and chaos of 2 children a toddler and a baby.
As I said, I have no friends.
DH is always at work or if he is home its a mad rush to get things done while he is back.
I have no time to myself.

I feel like a hollow shell, but I also feel like I'm crumbling. like every time I have to break up a fight a little piece of me is being chipped away.

I had a breakdown and have every other weekly home visits from a nurse. She is lovely but she can't give me what I really need, which is somewhere to be, like a job or university course. She can't get me friends. She can't stop me crying all day long.
My children were talking about me crying again today, amongst themselves. I don't know what to do, I feel so trapped. I am inadequate as a mother at the moment. With homeschooling and no break at all from even just the older ones I am actually cracking. I can't even feel parts of my body sometimes I actually feel numb and hopeless.

I know that I can't afford childcare until my youngest is in reception, that is 3 and a half years away. I can't have had nothing to do for 13/ 14 years. I won't make it.

i actually was referred to a therapist back in June but never heard back, I asked my nurse the other week and she said she doesn't think I need it
I'm cured

4 young kids is hard work. In all honesty, even if they were in childcare for you to do college or have a job it would still be hard work..And lockdown is tough for everyone. But things will improve, you will get more time to yourself and it's never too late to do something new.

dh knows all this i tell him all the time but he's never been the MUM, so I'm not sure he totally gets it
just as I don't get how hard working is- I've never done that. he's never done this.
its nice to know other people feel lonely too, I was just reading the wedding Guest list thread and we would have the same problem!

Have you ever thought about what you would actually like to do??Make a goal and aim for that, start small and build up.

Where are you based? Someone on her might be local and up for walk. I'm West Yorkshire if that's any use??

Presumably you didn't feel like this when you had your last baby, or you wouldn't have had another one.
Remember covid is temporary. Your children are young. This too will pass and you'll get more of a life. It sounds incredibly difficult but there is an end point. You just have to grit your teeth and get there. It seems forever whilst you are going through it, but you'll look back and see it as only a short period of time. You really will. Talk to the doctor again and insist you get more help in the meantime.
I feel so sorry for people with young children at the moment.

I could have written this. Although I only have 3 dc and only been sahm for 3 years now so I don't know how you're doing it. I left my job because we couldn't afford childcare anymore - was previously done by a family member who no longer can (and yes I know they are my DHs kids to and childcare should be split, it still more than cancels out one wage and depletes the family pot to the point where it costs us money to have both of us working). Im so lonely. I miss being me. I miss having something to get dressed for, wear makeup for or do my hair for. I miss having adult conversations, or having the satisfaction of a job done. I miss being mentally stimulated and engaged in something. I've no advice for you, just didn't want to read and run. And to tell you to be kind to yourself. I definitely feel like a shit mum, who shouts too much, who looses her rag to much. Youre right, lockdown definitely hasn't helped.

Does DH understand how you feel, OP?

And what is this thing from 10 years ago doing, raising its head? Have you had any support with that? From DH? From anybody?

And lastly, although perhaps it should be firstly, why is your house in the future more important than your wellbeing now? You're living in advancing misery so that you'll have a different roof over your head in a few years, but you already have a roof over your head. Life is now. I can understand that you don't want to blow a load of cash on treats, but is your wellbeing a treat? Do you really want to buy your lovely spangly new house using your depression as currency?

There is surely a balance to be found?

Please please chase up the therapy, I am similar, had an experience when I was a teen. I refused to face it until something triggered it to resurface. I think you'll begin to feel better if you really get to the root of what's bothering you. All the best.

Sending you some love the early years are hard, a pandemic is even harder. You sound like a really lovely mummy, I'm sorry that it's hard, I've only got one toddler and it's hard. But hoping you find some good advice here. xxxx

Contact the nurse and tell her how awful you feel. Ask for the therapist referral

Ask your DH to take the kids out for a couple of hours Saturday and Sunday to give you breathing space

Take the pram and baby out for an hours walk daily

Contact your local sure start and ask for support

If you have the mental space look into studying online.

When you were at school which subjects did you like? What sort of person are you? Social? Introvert? Sporty? Academic?

I feel like I’ve written this! But with 3 kids. Gave up working 8 year ago too and now feel like I have nothing. I had an eye appointment the other day and she asked me what do I do? Do I work or have any hobbies? I was actually embarrassed that I just answered no nothing.
Sorry not much help at all! I just understand.

Gosh you poor thing- you sound low. I totally know what you mean. I had 3 close together and it was hell at times and that was without covid.
This year has meant no baby or toddler groups. Those alone kept me sane with toddlers and babies. They meant I had snippets of adult converation and a chance to make friends.
You are amazing for the job you are doing - this year is so so tough for mums in particular.
But... things will improve and you will get some of yourself back. You have a few years to go, but once the youngest starts pre school you gradually will start to get more time to breathe. You have more children to go through school so many more changes to meet a mum or two you click with there (when social distancing is over!!)
Could you visit family with less children at the weekend and your DH have a couple? Just to give you some adult conversation? Do you have any siblings?
Do you know what I feel like sometimes? A mummy sack of skin on the floor with all the life force sucked out of me by my children. They drain me every day!

You are probably already aware but - if you live in England - you can claim for 30 hours free childcare for 3-4 year olds. Would this help with the toddler? At the very least, it’s a year less that you need to wait for some childcare for the youngest

Can't you also get 15 hours nursery for 2 year olds now in certain circumstances?

Tell the nurse, in the nicest possible way, that you feel very strongly you need to be assessed for therapy because this isn't going away. If she won't budge and you can find the money, search Counselling Directory and BACP for local counsellors working online and read their pages to get a sense of which one you'd feel most comfortable with. Doesn't have to be a long term commitment, either - just once a week for 6 or 12 weeks to get to the bottom of what's still hurting you.

Big hugs.

Can I throw a few suggestions into the pot.

Sometimes in medicine it all gets very compartmentalised and I don’t think the psychiatric side of things links up very well with the gynaecological side of things and it doesn’t serve women very well. With such young children, it might be worth exploring your problems from a hormonal and gynaecological perspective. Perinatal mood disorders are very, very poorly understood and my suspicion is that you might be receiving the wrong kind of help. You’re going to have to push hard to be taken seriously though and you might need help from your dh to advocate. Just for starters have a listen to this interview

In terms of hobbies/socialising something that might suit your circumstances very well is photography. It’s something you can do with your kids, on your phone and at the moment many clubs have moved online. They tend to be something that you dip into depending on what you’re particularly interested in. It might be easier to carve out an hour now and then for a zoom meeting than go in person, and easier too to make yourself do it. It’s low pressure but there’s always a challenge to be had.

Please look into counselling. There are online options if that would work for you. I can honestly say that it was a lifeline for me. I laughed at the idea that you were “cured” not just because you are so obviously suffering, but because counselling doesn’t need to have an end goal. I found a counsellor who used Carl Rogers approach and gained some much insight and self awareness and the hour a week I spent talking was a fantastic investment in my family’s welfare.

Being a sahm is incredibly difficult and it’s very hard to find a safe place to talk about that because it’s an emotive issue for working mums too.

Please ignore any of the above if it feels too much. Online we tend to throw advice around but if we were talking in real life it would be mainly hugs and tissues!

I was just wondering if your school aged children could go into school? That would give some immediate respite. You could ask the health visitor if it's possible to talk to the school for you, or just contact the head teacher directly.

You deserve to be cared for. What's happening now is more important than saving for a house.

Do reach out and ask a again for therapy, it has helped me so very much at times. Sending love.

Something practical for you OP. There is free nursery provision from age 2 where the family or child are needing support. Your HV or CPN might be the ones to push for that. Even a couple of mornings with one less littly might give you breathing space.

I get the loneliness and losing yourself being a sahm. And that feeling lost/not even knowing where to go or what to do. I moved to a new area with a baby and it was tough. I think that you do need to have a schedule. You need to draw up a timetable, with your husband's support and then get him to encourage you to stick to it. A schedule and routine is very important when you're depressed as it leaves less time for procrastination. Schedule yourself some down time, even if it's only a bath, a short walk, or watching a favourite TV show. Also aim to meet up with someone else on your own at a weekend. I'm sure that you do have friends. But if you still need company, can you message any of the mums from preschool/school? Could you enquire about online support groups or even use your local Facebook groups to make friends. I admitted that I was due to have a second baby, was new to the area and asked if there were any other women about to have a second around the same time. The response was fantastic and a group of 8-10 of us would meet up regularly. I appreciate that this isn't possible right now, but you could still meet up with one other person. Could you ask the nurse or health visitor if they know if anyone in the same boat and ask them to pass your number on?

Other things that help.
: Uplifting back ground music
:: Write a list of chores and tick them off each day so that you can see what you are actually achieving
: Fresh air
: Planning activities in advance
Having some long term goals (even if 3-4 years down the line). Perhaps plan a course that you would like to do (either for career or just for fun). Perhaps teach yourself a new skill (art/cake making or anything etc via YouTube).
Try to catch yourself mentally beating yourself up. You wouldn't let someone else talk to you like that, so don't do it to yourself. What you say to yourself directly affects how you feel. Depression isn't just something that you have to put up with. There are things that you can do to help improve your mood. It's not easy, but it can be done. The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr Burns is great. It's used by the NHS/priory etc and is a self help book with exercises in it to work through.
Accept that having children/not least 4 is incredibly tough. Having young children and a baby during lockdown must be beyond tough. You are quite understandably depressed. You won't be the only one. I bet there are several other mums that live on your street feeling exactly the same. You only need one person to meet up with once or twice a week to feel a huge difference. Lockdown will end and it will become easier to get out a bit more and try and find someone in a similar boat to go out with for a walk and a coffee.

OP if I have understood your post correctly you are still quite young, not even 30? I know it seems very far away right now but one day you'll have all your kids in school, and even if that won't give you the entire day back, you will have so much more time to yourself, and you will be able to realise those plans you have sooner than you know.

Having really young children takes up ALL your time, I totally understand what you mean about being 'an angry mum who shouts too much'. It sounds like you desperately need something of your own to do, or experience, just to give you a mental break from it all.

I would try to find some like minded parents, that can be a life saver. If the school gates haven't delivered in that respect, perhaps some other childrens' activity might? If you sign your kids up to do a sport or hobby that you yourself really enjoyed, you might find that the other parents there will make good company too. I would also keep an open mind and maybe give the school gate crowd another chance, perhaps there is one or two nice ones there after all.

Also, cover obviously doesn't help. Please try to be kind to yourself during this awful time, I don't think many of us are feeling like we are great parents to our children/generally happy and fulfilled right now. It will get better

cover = covid. Apologies

I read your post and thought a few things.

I felt really sorry for you. I used to feel like that. Suffocated. The most horrendous years of my life.

I also thought how selfless you seem. Your kids think you are amazing, no matter what you think.

Mine grew up in the blink of a eye. They are taller than me now, most of the time they are off being teenagers in the house and I can watch the news with a coffee (in the living room now, not the kitchen!). I sometimes wonder where it all went, but I didnt enjoy it, and I only had two.

It doesn't feel like it but you are doing better than you think. I'm a SAHM with 4 children under 11 (previously ill with m.e. so didn't barely worked in my 20s). It is exhausting juggling everything with no support during lockdown. We have Wednesdays off school work as we just can't manage a full week. My mum helps by reading a story over zoom to a toddler or helps the 6 year old with maths. Have you anyone in the family who could do that at the moment? It doesn't always work ie they run off but gives me a moment to get a drink or put the washing on. I asked rest of family and was surprised how many said they could do a whatsapp call but then in surviving life here I haven't managed to set it up! Also, the children are so fed up now they don't really want to talk online to family they've not seen for a year. Hang on in there. So many people are feeling what you are feeling. Are you getting disturbed sleep with the baby as well? Please speak to your doctor about the thoughts which are worrying you before you slip back to where you were six months ago. You are amazing getting through the days on your own. My husband is sometimes working 2 hours away back at 8.30pm and the days are endless. I'm only getting through this because he is around more than normal to help out due to working from home. We have a non-negotiable understanding that he spends time with the children and does house work at the weekends whilst I read in bed in the mornings (trying not to feel guilty!).

FWIW OP, I returned to education in my late 30s when all my kids were eventually in school. I didn't even have 2 gcses to rub together. That WILL be an option for you.
I suggest writing everything down when you are feeling lucid and articulate, as you are now. It can be easy to lose the ability to articulate what is going on in your head when it comes time to actually talk to someone.
Even go back through you posts and cut out and paste together the bits that you would say to your DH or your GP or your nurse.
You could then have that to hand over to whomever you are talking to. Re the nurse declaring that you don't need help, 1) it isn't their place to diagnose you or make that assumption, 2) it is easy to present yourself as better than you actually are/hide what you are really feeling, 3)they need to take you seriously.
Medication could absolutely help you. Yes, it can take time to find the one that works but it is worth pursuing this option with the support of your GP. & with meds & any treatment, it can feel like it's getting worse before it gets better.
It will get better. Even keep your sights on the nearer future rather than the rest of your entire life. Look at short-term goals - & I don't mean to sound trite, I have been very mentally ill myself & it is awful - but think that you CAN get a part-time job sometime in the next few years, you CAN do a course (part-time & manageable) at college, you CAN do the things that you have planned.
But in the very short term you need the right support ASAP.

OP forgot to say, Google Winnicott's good enough mother and look at what he had to say on the matter. You can let go of a lot of self-criticism when you understand that concept.