I've had nothing to do for nearly a decade.

[grannyinapram]

I am a SAHM and have been for 8 years now. I quit college when I was pregnant and haven't had a thing to do or a place to be since.
I don't have any hobbies and I couldn't even if I wanted to because DH works so much.
I often say to him that he's lucky that he has time to himself on his way to work (he can work anywhere from Cornwall to Scotland) so he has hours to himself at a time. He works away a lot too, so he has nights, sometimes a week to himself to do whatever he wants and to be Bob, not daddy, not husband, not even employee, but Bob.
I haven't been myself for years.
I don't actually recognise myself at all. I have 4 beautiful but young children. I'm breastfeeding, someone is always picking me, touching me, burping on me, farting on me, showing me bogeys or blood, sick, snot, fucking poo.
I used to be a nice, normal girl and now I'm just an angry mom who shouts too much and swears even more.
Every image I had of myself as a parent has been shoved out the window. I can just about feed them all.

DH says I can go for walks, to the cinema, anywhere I want with anyone I want but I have no friends because I was a teen mom and nobody wanted to hang around with a baby (after the initial intrigue) so I have 0 friends left.
I didn't really click with anyone at the school gates and the one mom I liked moved. one i hated also moved
I haven't got time for hobbies because of the kids.

most importantly DH said I can go out for a bus ride (I was moaning because he was moaning about having to take the bus for work and I was jealous of the time he would spend alone) and i realised that I have had nowhere to go AT ALL for almost a whole decade now and it hurts. I can actually feel pain thinking about it.
And I've been crying on and off ever since that conversation. It feels as though I've just opened my eyes and realised how incredibly lonely I am.

My family don't want me around too much because I bring the noise and chaos of 2 children a toddler and a baby.
As I said, I have no friends.
DH is always at work or if he is home its a mad rush to get things done while he is back.
I have no time to myself.

I feel like a hollow shell, but I also feel like I'm crumbling. like every time I have to break up a fight a little piece of me is being chipped away.

I had a breakdown and have every other weekly home visits from a nurse. She is lovely but she can't give me what I really need, which is somewhere to be, like a job or university course. She can't get me friends. She can't stop me crying all day long.
My children were talking about me crying again today, amongst themselves. I don't know what to do, I feel so trapped. I am inadequate as a mother at the moment. With homeschooling and no break at all from even just the older ones I am actually cracking. I can't even feel parts of my body sometimes I actually feel numb and hopeless.

I know that I can't afford childcare until my youngest is in reception, that is 3 and a half years away. I can't have had nothing to do for 13/ 14 years. I won't make it.

Hey op. Re your past trauma, or whatever it was, check out EMDR therapy.
Please get help. I'm struggling with 2 kids in lockdown,4 must be so hard.
Tell your DH how you're feeling again. You need a break.

I just want to send a big, gentle hug (((()))), you’ve been given some great advice but I wanted to echo what others have said - you sound like a lovely person and you have four little people who love you unconditionally, your dh sounds supportive too. I have four children with just over six years between them - it was very, very hard work when they were small. The pandemic makes everything worse - I liked visiting baby groups and doing baby gym and classes etc, I can’t imagine being stuck in a flat with four small children (((())).

I am a few years ahead of you, and my children are now my best friends - they are between 9 and 16 and we are a brilliant team, there’s always something to do or something going on, life is fun with them. I also have four siblings and when my mum died just before Christmas we all supported each other (they all live overseas so not much practical help with the kids !!), being a big family is fab.

But right now, you need to seek medical help, I hope this pandemic is getting better and that things will open up - that you can have more social contacts even just at playgroups and things. Although I worked, it only really paid the childcare fees but once they went to school I was rich lol, I appreciate work is hard with small children though - it’s a juggle.

My friends were mainly ‘online’ baby friends for sometime, because social contact was easiest online I had no energy to go out in the evenings etc - there’s no shame in that.

Anyway, I’m rambling with no brilliant advice but you are not alone and it WILL get better. Just take one day at a time and don’t beat yourself up - your job is the most important and the hardest in the whole world (((()))).

OP do you fancy a pen pal , I would love to write to you and get some letters from you too :)

I worry about why you had a 3rd and 4th child, as it doesn't sound as if you've been happy being a SAHM for a while. Have you finished having children and have good contraception in place? Sorry, you don't have to answer that, but I just want to flag that it doesn't sound as if your MH could cope with another. I know that 3 years seems ages, but once you have one or two in school and free nursery places, childcare costs for the younger two will be less, and you could afford to go back to work.
Yes to asking your GP for help and taking a whole day to yourself every weekend where you leave the DC with their dad and you visit your family alone. Once shops and cafes open you can take a book and get away for some quiet time. It can and will get better OP. Hang in there. 💐

With all due respect what made you have four children? That's a lot for anyone especially as your quite young so assuming you had them close together. Were you feeling this way when you had them?

Def speak to the Dr.

But also, even if you can't right this minute you could start planning, the hope for the future could be motivation enough to get you through, and also mean that if there are any things you can prep in advance you can start chipping away.
You can look at preschool instead of nursery when the baby is 2.5 and all the dc will be much bigger then so.you could start with Uni.

What is it you were doing at college? What interests you?

If it is any comfort, my mum lived your twenties too. And within a few years got her independence back and studied and worked and was very clear that it was her time and we all did everything we could support her. I couldn't be proud ofer of the sacrifices she made for us in her twenties or of the busy career and hobbies she has developed since. "This too shall pass" is the phrase I hung onto in hard patches. Hang on in there. And seek help. Don't see that as a failure. If you are really struggling let school know. My children's school were clear that they would make space if either a parents or child's mental health was crumbling.

(as in, once the littlest one started school then she she was able to make the steps for her)

What about studying in the evening when children go to bed? I have three boys youngest is one and am doing a masters degree in the evenings. It's tough but it can be done. I also had to take a student loan to do it as nursery fees for us are £2k a month on average so money is quite thin on the ground.
Sadly all those saying free nursery at 2 - unlikely if your DH is earning. You will get 15 hours at 3 though or 30 (but you both have to be working to qualify for this)

You sound stuck in a rut. Can you speak to gp about your feelings as I think the slump of this pandemic doesn’t help.
Have you thought about getting some work through an agency.. even if to begin with its remote.. you can then build up some skills, it may involves some video meetings and give you the boost you need (even if it pays for the kids nursery for a morning) you can usually also pick your hours so it gives you some flexibility.. xxx

This used to be my life! It'd be much harder now in lockdown though. I agree with PPs who said it gets better. It really does. My advice is, when your DH is home, go out by yourself. Even if you've got nothing to do, just walk somewhere. Being out on your own clears your mind. It's impossible to think straight around small children all the time.

I do know others beaten down with ''Too many children''....
But...You have them now.

I remember my stepmom weeping and wailing

''I feel like a bird in a gilded Ca-ha-ha-aaaagggggeeeeeeeeeeee.. I wish I was deaaadddd''

It was scary to hear as a child... we'd sit in the front room and bromate at each other as mum {My stepmum} wailed for hours.

Dad would say ''Oh Love! For God's sake! It's been five bloody
HOURS!!''

In retrospect, I think mum was seriously depressed.

She too had been emotionally abused by her own mother.

I think ''Having kids'' can be an end in itself...But it is expensive.

Four kids must be grim.
We three fought like crazy, so four must be ghastly.

Mum too felt like she had very few friends, and was tied to the home answering the phone for Dad's business...and looking after us.

Re loneliness...It is SO common.

It really is the ''Taboo'' word...but I too have ached with loneliness...that real 'connection' one has with others, rather than superficial chit chat.

I'm sure it will get better...but time to yourself, a free person with no buggy and ''MUUUM! AAARGH! '' demands.... is something everyone needs.

Re housing..renting is crap. Running to stand still. {Been there}..

You are not alone !

I know exactly how you feel.

I've cried a lot reading this thread and realising a lot of stuff I've tried to ignore about how I feel for a long time.

Small children are hard. Pandemics are hard. Losing your identity as an adult because you are caring for small children all.the.time. is hard. Dealing with all of that mostly on your own when you are supposed to be in a relationship with someone but they are rarely physically there is hard. It's hard. It's really fucking hard and anyone who says it isn't and you just need to pull yourself together/ be more organised/ get some exercise can frankly piss off.

I want to crawl under my duvet and sleep for a year. I love my children but I'm finding being a 'good' mother very very hard at the moment.

Edit : ''Bromate??''.....It should be ''Grimace''...Bloody spellcheck.

Hi OP. I've been a SAHM for years and can relate to your loneliness to some extent. Not quite as bad but I have quite a few friends from before kids but we don't live near them so it's all online and everyone is busy...

One thing I noticed is that you have four kids including a breastfeeding baby along with a plan to get into the work force when the baby turns 4. And you only started feeling like this a year ago. So I'm wondering if this is much more to do with hormones or covid than your SAHM situation? Were the four kids planned and wanted by you both? Or has one/both of you sort of fallen into this situation/been pressured into it? I'm not sure it makes much difference to how you get out of the place you're in, except that it might make a difference to how much you can/should be able to rely on your DH to sacrifice.

You seem reluctant to have your DH pick up any of the slack that you need because of his job - but you have had a breakdown. That's a bit worse than losing a job. I think you both need to prioritise your recovery a bit more. Consider, for instance, the cost of splitting up and running two households with you unable to do as much childcare on a long term basis with the cost of DH finding a more family-compatible job. Not to mention how much your happiness and enjoyment of the one life you have should be worth to you as a family.

I could have wrote your post op.
I'm just wondering where in the world you are?
If your anywhere near me maybe could form a support bubble and help each other?
( un mumsnetty hug )

I sympathise.

Do you have any time at all to do anything, like take an online course? Not great for making friends but just thinking about you doing something that you will feel some accomplishment and get you in a better position for the job market?

Keep being on Mumsnet. There are loads of women here in a similar position.

@Ilovegreentomatoes

With all due respect what made you have four children? That's a lot for anyone especially as your quite young so assuming you had them close together. Were you feeling this way when you had them?

This was my immediate thought... Four is a huge amount to wrangle.

Dad was one of seven, and said ''If anyone needed contraception, it was our parents''...They too lived in a two roomed rented flat... Nine people!

It was hell. A lot of his siblings emigrated to NZ and Aus....Probably for the blessed space after sharing a bed like sardines as children.

Can your husband take some annual leave, say maybe one day a week for a period of time, to give you some space away from the kids and to do something for you?

What happened 10 years ago? Sometimes children are a trigger for traumatic memories in our past.

Hi,
Just read the first page. Mums that don’t have partners that work away from home don’t really understand. My DH worked away from home for at least 16 days a month but occasionally went for a month or six weeks then a fortnight off. It is really hard. I also have four now grown up children. My life was built around other mums. Some were RAF wives, fishermen’s wives or oil rig workers so we helped and supported each other. We did lots of things together and were lucky to live with a beautiful beach. When DHs father died we had to move and I found that hard as the school mums all had family around and their DH were home every night but mine wasn’t. The fourth child was born here and I had gone to college so I juggled studying and four kids, two teens a five year old and bf baby. It was really hard work.
My family were a bit more spread out than yours but yes you do lose that life, your life, for a while. There will be a time when you can be yourself. You will get time to yourself. It is very difficult at the moment especially if you are trying to home school. Could the two older ones go to school for a couple of days a week( if you are happy with that) ?
Could one of the family come to you and give you support or could they take the toddler for a couple of hours. When we moved here I had no family as MIL needed support herself as she had a long term illness. When DD was five my mum, who was 300miles away, left and took my sisters to her own country and I didn’t see them for 8 years. Dad had died.

There are some charities that offer support would you be willing to ask for help. My friend is working for one and they are going into some families to support. Lots of emotions when you have had a baby especially when breastfeeding. I took a multi vit too as I think you can get run down quickly with four or more children. Try and get out for a walk if you can it will help with a change of scene. Ask the GP or HV for help if you need it. I am sorry the meds haven’t worked out. A small dose sometimes helps or you could look at homeopathy which might be better for you.
💐I hope you feel better soon it is just a rough patch.

@grannyinapram

Please talk to your GP for a referral to IAPT. It's a psychological service for people with eminently treatable low mood or anxiety, which is so many people right now! You are not alone.

They'll assess you (ask you what's going on, what you days are like), they WILL assess you for suicide risk or harm to yourself because they must, but please answer truthfully. I have worked in mental health for years and never seen someone carted off to hospital for their answers (no hospital beds anyway?) and never seen anyone's children taken away for this either (social services already jammed packed?!). It is just to see what support you need.

Then most likely you'll be offered 12 weeks of once a week over the phone / online support in CBT as a first line treatment, and it is incredibly effective.

I should also say that you should mention the young baby as they bump perinatal women up the list.

12 weeks and you will likely feel a marked improvement. Please give your GP a call and ask for a referral. EVERYONE is doing it!

xx

I'm so sorry to read of your life as it is now. I know it seems easy to say "This too shall pass", but at the time it seems so dark and hopeless and unchanging. Betty Friedan wrote "The Feminine Mystique" back in the 60s, on this very subject. Try reading it - even after more than half a century, you will find that it resonates. Keep talking on here - so many of us know exactly what you are speaking of. All the best.x