Husband resents me for debt

[wishes1111]

Hello

I'll try and explain as briefly as possible.

I was raised by my grandparents and lost them both within 3 years or each other to cancer (in their 60s). I've also had 6 miscarriages during and since.

I have been on antidepressants since age 14 and have a history of anxiety too.

My coping mechanism was to spend, I took loans out, ordered clothes, things I didn't need and racked up nearly £8000 in debt, exchanging my utter sadness and despair for temporary happiness.

After 2 years of paying the minimum payments, I realised I couldn't hide it anymore, interest was rising and I was struggling to cope and was losing the battle of keeping my head above water.

I earn £24,000 a year, my husband earns £40,000.

I admitted it all during a breakdown, he was angry and sad that I'd done this and especially since I'd hid it from him. I fully understood this and took responsibility for my actions. I entered a payment plan with stepchange and have kept up with payments over the past couple of years and it's slowly but surely reducing. I'm paying this myself, as well as £550 for my half of rent and £30 for my phone. The rest, I use for birthday presents, diesel, car insurance and tax and I'm left with little per month. I've also cleared my overdraft in this time.

I have taken no further loans out since entering my plan with stepchange.

My problem is, my Husband resents me for this. He is a saver, he won't spend unless he has to and he saves what he can (which is a good thing). I've tried my hardest to turn my life around and take responsibility.

He said he will resent me until it's all paid off which will be another couple of years. Some days he is lovely, others it's like he's punishing me for my mistakes. Digs here and there, cold towards me, brings up what I did.

I can't even explain how much I regret doing this but I can't live like this. If I have £10 left for the last week of the month and I need to get something such as tampons or some lunch stuff for work , he tells me to sort it out myself. I understand I'm not his responsibility but this is wearing me down.

He has more than enough in savings to clear my debt. I don't expect him to do that but know in a heartbeat I would do it for him if I knew it was weighing on his shoulders, adding anxiety to his life and and he'd made an effort to change.

I feel I can't go on this way, but when he's in a nice mood I love him so much, when he's in his resentful mood he makes me feel low and like he'll never move past it.

I'm waffling, I don't expect people to think he's in the wrong, I get it.

I guess I'm just hoping for a hand hold whilst suffering my latest miscarriage, dealing with a resentful husband and trying my hardest to not fall back into a deep depression x

I think he’s entirely within his right to resent you. You’re lucky he’s stayed with you tbh. I don’t think many women on here would stay with their husbands if the roles were reversed.

@Idontknowausername thank you for your input. I would have stood by him 100%. I know what depression does to people and how many different coping mechanisms there are. I just hope in time we heal.

It sounds like you've been through an incredibly hard time. I'm so sorry about your grandparents and the recurrent miscarriages.

I can understand why he was shocked and upset by the debt when he found out, but it sounds like you're dealing with it and making good progress.

If you were relapsing then perhaps his current behaviour could be more understandable but he sounds like he's being very cruel. Especially the unwillingness to help out when you need essential items like tampons.

Have you told him how he is making you feel?

He is very much in the wrong, he is using this as a stick to beat you with. This is emotional abuse.

You did NOT borrow the debt money from HIM.
HE is the victim of NOTHING here.
He has no legal responsibility here.
He has no right to pass judgement in repeated comments, that's abusive.

I think your dh is being tight

He SHOULD help you with your debt and then work on saving together

I can understand him resenting you, I would too if it were reversed, but a significant part because of the utter deceit.

Having said that, you are married and need to fade it together and not make it toxic to your relationship. I would want an absolute promise of no more debt and cut U.K. any credit cards. If you did it again then that's the marriage over.

Talk to him because it isn't healthy living like this

Thank you everyone.

I have had no finances, loans etc since I admitted it to him and started my plan with Stepchange. I would never do it again.

I have spoken to him and he said he will resent me until the day I've cleared it so I guess I'm in this for the long run.

He is very much in the wrong, he is using this as a stick to beat you with. This is emotional abuse.

^^couldn't agree more. Your making steps to rectify things. He needs to accept it has happened and move forward together. You're meant to be a team

I think it’s very easy to say you’d stand by him when you’re the one who has caused the issue

He should not take it out on you. And if he’s accepted it he’s accepted it, but you need to take responsibility and pay it yourself. As much as you say you don’t want him to, in reality that’s what you’re alluding you would want.

I can see his point of view though because you have robbed him of something - you have robbed him of the person he thought you were and the opportunity to do things with that money like holidays.

You both need to talk.

I would leave him. DH and I would use savings to bail the other out of debt, however it was acquired.

He is repeatedly punishing you for something you have owned and are sorting out. Once the debt is paid he will find something else to punish you for and keep you strung along by occasionally showing the 'not real' lovely man side which he puts on to reel you in.

What help are you getting for your depression? If you’ve been on ADs for many years and still turned to debt and spending as a crutch they’re not working. Have you seen a therapist about your grief?

Why are you splitting your housing costs 50/50 when he earns so much more than you do? You don’t mention food or bills, does he cover those?

I’d be beyond livid if my husband racked up a load of debt behind my back so you can’t expect him to be okay with it. You also can’t expect him to pay your debts, as easy as it is to say you’d do it in his shoes. He may think if he does that you’ll take out more loans and start the whole thing again. But it sounds like an unhappy dysfunctional marriage right now. You definitely need more help with your mental health and you should both probably get some marriage counselling. Are you in touch with any miscarriage charities who can support you right now with what you’re going through? Are you under a recurrent miscarriage clinic?

• You did NOT borrow the debt money from HIM. HE is the victim of NOTHING here. He has no legal responsibility here. He has no right to pass judgement in repeated comments, that's abusive.*

This in droves.

My DH admitted losing 20K, some of which had come from increasing our offset mortgage. I cannot begin to tell you how betrayed I felt, that he would do this with money that would be better spent for the family. It actually affected me physically, several years later I still resent it, but have come to terms with it.
I don't know how recently your confession to him was but he will need time to be able to come to terms with what you have done. I understand the conditions which led you to do this and do sympathise, but he is seeing this in the cold lighting day, not with the emotional turmoil you have.

I’m going to go against the grain here OP. You’ve acknowledged that you did wrong and you have taken positive steps to put things right. The fact that he is able to keep this up and is actually planning to continue with this behaviour is a bit of a red flag to me. Do you think that there’s a possibility that he likes having you on the back foot? And with that in mind, do you think that, once everything is paid off, he could look for something else to punish you for or, indeed, choose to simply not get over this? Only you know your relationship, but I’d be concerned that there is a power dynamic at play here that isn’t strictly healthy.

I'm sorry for what you're going through OP, but I would be annoyed and resentful too. I wouldn't give my DH my savings to pay off his debt either. You're partners, but you're also both grown independent adults that should be able to resolve your own problems.

He actually is the victim of trusting his wife and being wrong. I agree he needs to stop banging on about it now he knows what happened and deciding to stay with her. But it’s bollocks to say he doesn’t deserve any sympathy or understanding for finding out his wife was up to her eyeballs in debt and had an out of control spending habit she was hiding from him. As if any of you would be okay with finding out your spouse had behaved the same way.

I completely understand OP. I did this too (no partner), I was lucky a rise in income and windfall helped me pay it off all at once otherwise I would have been screwed. It's hard having spending as a coping mechanism because it does temporarily make you feel better, but other people don't understand that in the moment it genuinely does help and see it as an excuse to just buy things.

He has every right to be annoyed of course because you hid it and he perhaps could have supported you. Once he has accepted it and chosen to stay with you on the basis of you paying it back though - which you are - he does not have every right to make sly digs, change his attitude towards it based on how he is feeling that day or as your HUSBAND not help you with things you desperately need like tampons and food, ffs, especially when you are trying to work on this and your mental health.

And yes he needs to pay more on rent since he earns more than you

It shouldn’t be split 50/50.

It should be split in a more even manner

I'm sorry for this, OP. Of course you shouldn't have done it, but there was a context. You were and are suffering.

I don't blame your husband for being upset but I'm concerned that he doesn't help out with food or tampons? Are you able to eat in those times? Assuming you do have food and it's just a case of not buying luxuries, would he be amenable to couples counselling? I can see why he's angry but if you love each other it still may be possible to come through this together.

If he's actually stopping you from eating properly or something like that, that's another issue entirely.

Actually I think he is in the wrong (and I came on thinking the opposite). You made a mistake but you have admitted it and taking steps to address it and actually doing great with it. You spent due to depression and that's not unusual. It's not like you blew 50k on parties and gambling after repeatedly promising to change. I get that it must have been a shock to him and the deceit must be hard to get over but it's out in the open now and sounds like it has been for some time.

So he has decided to forgive you, but actually he hasn't, has he? If he is constantly making digs and being cold then he is punishing you for it every day. He has no empathy or compassion. He either needs to decide he can't handle it and leave, or forgive and forget, at this stage.

I also think it says a lot about someone if they are happy to sit back and watch their partner suffer. Yes he is probably justified in not sharing finances, but that doesnt stop him being able to treat you or help you out when you need it, especially when you are trying so hard to help yourself. Again, it would be different if you were blowing your vast wage on luxuries then wanting him to sub you at the end of the month but you're not; you're trying your best. He earns double what you do and has savings but he wouldn't buy you tampons at the end of the month? To me that's just cruel.

I think you're being hard on yourself and because of that, you're putting up with him treating you poorly because you feel like you deserve it.

Also it sounds like although he earns double what you do, you pay half the rent and bills- is this right? Again in my opinion that's not fair, in a loving relationship the higher earner wants what's fair to both rather than the lower earner missing out just to pay an equal amount. A lot of people split rent and bills either proportionately to their earnings or so that it works out that they have equal spending money at the end of the month . If he is expecting you to pay a much higher proportion of your salary than he does, so that its equal, even though he earns loads more and you have debt, then I think, for me, there is something wrong in your relationship and he doesnt see it as a partnership and he sees his money as more important than your relationship

If you want to save your marriage, I would ask him to go to marriage counseling. Racking up that kind of debt is a betrayal that rivals infidelity, except at least with infidelity the problem itself doesn’t linger. You betrayed his trust. He needs to work past that. If he can’t, he needs to walk away. It’s not healthy for either of you to stay in a relationship if he can’t forgive you.

Actually, sorry, I missed that you pay half the rent despite earning much less than he does. That's a problem. Coupled with the food and tampons...well, obviously you shouldn't have got into debt, but I'm not convinced this is a healthy, caring relationship outside of that.

I feel bad for you OP. You've been through an inordinate amount of traumatic experiences and hope you're getting the right support there.
That being said, you hid your debt from him.. He's got every right to feel resentful and it isn't his responsibility to bail you out of the financial mess.. Even if he has savings to clear it. I understand your viewpoint that you would help him in a heart beat.. But it's not him in the situation, it's you. I think just have an honest conversation about it and that you realise that you were wrong to hide the debt from him and can understand his resentment, but you need his support now more than ever and you want things to be better. I hope it works out for you.

He shouldn't be continuing to sulk. Bu I absolutely don't think he should have paid your debts off and he has every right to be pissed off. Excuses aside, you did this, it's your mess to clean up.

So many times we see this on here the other way around and everyone says "why did you pay off his debts?!"

You've affected his life, if he wants to do anything fun with you he'll have to pay, because now you cant afford it, you cant afford to save or contribute to anything big. What happens if the boiler breaks, theres a flood, any big expense, you have nothing to contribute. No big holidays, you can't afford it. Every decision now has to take into account your debt. So yeah I'd be pissed off, but if he's chosen to stay he needs to stop sulking.