Husband resents me for debt

[wishes1111]

Hello

I'll try and explain as briefly as possible.

I was raised by my grandparents and lost them both within 3 years or each other to cancer (in their 60s). I've also had 6 miscarriages during and since.

I have been on antidepressants since age 14 and have a history of anxiety too.

My coping mechanism was to spend, I took loans out, ordered clothes, things I didn't need and racked up nearly £8000 in debt, exchanging my utter sadness and despair for temporary happiness.

After 2 years of paying the minimum payments, I realised I couldn't hide it anymore, interest was rising and I was struggling to cope and was losing the battle of keeping my head above water.

I earn £24,000 a year, my husband earns £40,000.

I admitted it all during a breakdown, he was angry and sad that I'd done this and especially since I'd hid it from him. I fully understood this and took responsibility for my actions. I entered a payment plan with stepchange and have kept up with payments over the past couple of years and it's slowly but surely reducing. I'm paying this myself, as well as £550 for my half of rent and £30 for my phone. The rest, I use for birthday presents, diesel, car insurance and tax and I'm left with little per month. I've also cleared my overdraft in this time.

I have taken no further loans out since entering my plan with stepchange.

My problem is, my Husband resents me for this. He is a saver, he won't spend unless he has to and he saves what he can (which is a good thing). I've tried my hardest to turn my life around and take responsibility.

He said he will resent me until it's all paid off which will be another couple of years. Some days he is lovely, others it's like he's punishing me for my mistakes. Digs here and there, cold towards me, brings up what I did.

I can't even explain how much I regret doing this but I can't live like this. If I have £10 left for the last week of the month and I need to get something such as tampons or some lunch stuff for work , he tells me to sort it out myself. I understand I'm not his responsibility but this is wearing me down.

He has more than enough in savings to clear my debt. I don't expect him to do that but know in a heartbeat I would do it for him if I knew it was weighing on his shoulders, adding anxiety to his life and and he'd made an effort to change.

I feel I can't go on this way, but when he's in a nice mood I love him so much, when he's in his resentful mood he makes me feel low and like he'll never move past it.

I'm waffling, I don't expect people to think he's in the wrong, I get it.

I guess I'm just hoping for a hand hold whilst suffering my latest miscarriage, dealing with a resentful husband and trying my hardest to not fall back into a deep depression x

Arsehole. If he couldn't accept it then he should have left. He is using this as an excuse to emotionally hurt you for years? Really? You didn't take out debt in his name and you've been paying it off yourself, AND kept up with the plan and no new debts. I understand him being angry at the time but after a significant amount of time it's pathetic.

I can understand it being an issue in that, you can't get a mortgage now etc etc if that was the case, but then he should have left. You can't be treated like shit forever for this mistake.

He sounds like an absolute arse. Getting into debt wasn't some moral failing, you were using it to self-medicate your way through your grief and your MH issues. Yes of course, keeping the debt hidden from him was wrong but you owned up and took control. His reactions are revolting. He'll continue to resent you? He refuses to give you money for tampons? And now you're suffering another miscarriage?

I'm so dreadfully sad for you. You deserve better than this emotional ruin of a man.

OP I really feel for you. You made a mistake, owned up and have taken greats steps to make it right. You say some days he is ok, some days he is downright nasty. That needs to stop. You are not a disobedient child to punish. He can be disappointed but he either accepts it or leaves you. His behaviour is unacceptable and anyone saying different is lacking in empathy and intelligence. Have a frank conversation with him - what else does he want you to do? Does he want to help rectify the situation?

WELL DONE you for sorting it out.

I recently went through my debts with DP and he was so kind. Not judgemental. Helpful, helping me budget and re finance. Even taking on some of it so I can avoid paying interest. I would hope we can all have similarly kind partners.

I would say exactly the same if the sexes were reversed. I suspect in part because I understand the shame running up debt can make you feel (PPs proving the point)

@user234987653

He is very much in the wrong, he is using this as a stick to beat you with. This is emotional abuse.

You did NOT borrow the debt money from HIM.
HE is the victim of NOTHING here.
He has no legal responsibility here.
He has no right to pass judgement in repeated comments, that's abusive.

This.

I can understand his initial upset.
I really can.
But this is not right.

Stop trying for a baby with a man who is holding so much resentment against you.

You should not be bringing a baby into such a toxic environment.

I think that you should look at suggesting ye separate.

There is nothing to be gained by you putting yourself through this for another couple of years.

He hasn't your back and he isn't prepared to help you in any way, but is quite happy to be a nasty prick until YOU pay off YOUR debt.

He is NOT a man to be having children with.

He has shown you who he is.
Even when you pay off your debt, he will not move on.

Also I don't think it sounds like you can afford a child at the moment, so I really think you need to be practical and put it on hold until you are in a stable secure place in your life.

I'm so sorry that life has been so hard for you.

I'm a firm believer that if personal debt is ract up and it's not due to circumstances such as covering shortfalls in family income then it is 100% your responsibility to pay it back but...

In everything else finance related if your married you should be a partnership. You say your half of the rent but he earns 2/3 of the family income, does he pay all the bills?

I truly mean this to be as delicate as possible but have you discussed how finances will work once you have a baby? Is he expecting you to cover your debt and half the Bill's whilst on maternity leave? will you have to pay for all of the nursery?

I can see his point of view here but he sounds like he's being quite unkind about it, which is unnecessary when you're doing your best.
If you're paying half the rent and he's paying all the other bills and living expenses then he already is helping you to pay the debt. You couldn't live for free while you paid them off in any other circumstances. It might be less obvious than if you put the money in a shared account then paid your bills and debts out of it but it's still happening.
Tbh I wouldn't be giving you extra money to buy lunch out either. You shouldn't be hungry but equally you don't have spare cash to buy lunch out and it's much cheaper to take food from home.
It's possible that you've given him a real fright by racking up so much debt in secret. If he bails you out and you don't have any hardship in paying back all the money you've borrowed he might feel you would be more likely to do it again.

Putting the debt aside, are you actually paying a 50% share of the rent when you earn £16,000 less than your husband? That seems unfair.

Your joint income is £64,000 and he earns just over 60% of it. It would be fairer to split the rent 60/40 which would leave you with more at the end of the month for essentials.

You’re doing a great job clearing the debt. Do you have a plan to start saving a certain amount once you’re debt free? You need to have a plan in place to stop getting back into the same situation again.

As for him resenting you until the day you’ve cleared it, I hope he has a lovely view from his well-paid high horse. He should be supporting you emotionally, not making you feel worse than you already do.

You messed up, you owned up to it and you’re sorting it. He now needs to get over it and stop dragging you down even more.

Why are you splitting rent 50/50 when he earns a lot more than you?

You earn £24,000 and he earns £40,000 but you say you pay half of the rent. If you pay half that means that his expendable income is far greater than yours. In my view a good marriage is where you pay your rent, utilities etc proportionate to your income and not half and half so that one person has more money. Him resenting you to the point where he won't even buy you tampons is pretty disgusting behaviour. I understand him being unhappy that you kept your debt from him but punishing you on a regular basis when he has the means to help you makes him an awful husband. It sounds like you are paying back too much to the payment plan. I hope you haven't included his earnings in your debt management plan as you are not benefitting from him being a higher earner. I would suggest that you contact them and explain your financial situation and look to get your payments lowered so that you are able to manage the basics on a monthly basis. In the mean time consider your future with this man.Ask yourself, does a man who loves you behave this way?

And.. Imagine if this was a man and his wife had found out he'd racked up mountains of debts behind her back and she posted on here.. We'd all be saying LTB!

I can understand why he resents it as it must impact on your standard of living as a couple.

He will resent (aka punish) you until it's all paid off?
I'd say fuck off, who wants to live like that for two or so more years? Dump his sorry ass and find someone who understands that sometimes people screw up and will support you in fixing it.
And good luck x

I was going to say what LadyRoughDiamond said

What was he like before he found out about this OP?

I don't think he is in the wrong here. If i discovered my husband wracked up thousands of pounds in debt I would be devastated. Not only would I be upset with the hiding it for years, but it would tangibly effect the future your husband had imagined. Now it isn't as easy for you guys to buy a house, go on holidays etc as this debt is hanging over you.
How long has it been since you told him and started a debt program?

Personally I would struggle to jump at paying off my spouses debt if it was a situation like this. If he pays it off and you haven't dealt with not using spending as an emotional crutch then you are back to square one again.

How much are you paying each month?

This isn't a particularly high debt to take home ratio and your bills are very low. It really shouldn't take years of living on nothing to clear this.

He had the right to be angry initially but now he is just abusing you and using your past to control and humiliate you. A loving husband would forgive you. A loving husband would pay off the debt because he could see how hard this has been for you. A loving husband wouldn't abuse you emotionally in this way.

Bide your time. Pay off the debt and then divorce. Do not have children that will tie you to him. He needs out of your life.

I think he’s being quite extreme here. £8000 isn’t a huge amount debt for a £65k income household even if it is just your debt. If you were missing payments etc I could understand him being furious but it sounds like you’re sorting it out yourself.

@Pebbledashery

And.. Imagine if this was a man and his wife had found out he'd racked up mountains of debts behind her back and she posted on here.. We'd all be saying LTB!

While he earned less but still paid half the bills? Why would anyone say LTB?

I'd have been out the door the second he pulled the 50/50 stunt when you're married and he out earns you by £16000/annum. Would never have a child with him, either, not a chance. He'll be the type to expect the 50/50 when you're on mat leave starving. I'd rather live in a house share than with a mean-spirited person like this. You don't have to put up with it. He'll only get worse if you have kids with him.

You did something wrong. You know that, you’ve now spoken to your husband, and you are making changes. I don’t think he’s wrong to feel angry, but constantly bashing you with it doesn’t help. Either he forgives and helps (and that doesn’t mean necessarily using savings, but giving you the support to get through this) or he leaves. Hanging around and resenting you is horrid and pointless.

In what way has it hurt him?

You didn't spend his money? And you still pull your weight financially?

Isn't marriage supposed to be a partnership? He should not be holding this against you like this. It's not like you're not now actively trying to sort it out.
He should pay more than 50% of the rent if he earns more than you.
He has a right to be pissed off but to be such a long term cunt to you is not fair and I'm surprised you have any love left for him op.

And.. Imagine if this was a man and his wife had found out he'd racked up mountains of debts behind her back and she posted on here.. We'd all be saying LTB!

I wouldn't. Certainly not for £8000 of debt for which they'd organised a debt repayment plan.

I'm very much a saver and whilst much better now when we were first together DH was not good with money, when he moved in he had a defaulted credit card only £1200 because he'd lost his job, was paid very late for several self employed contracts and buried his head. It has ruined his credit score. I immediately paid it off and set up a payment plan for him to pay me back rather than the debt agency, I wasn't about to completely bail him out, but I see no need for him to continue to have long term adverse consequences. He'd learned from it. He still likes to spend more than I do, but we have a financial set up now that suits us both and is fair.
I do understand your husband's perspective, for me it would've been the lying and secrecy that upset me most, whereas DH was upfront said I've made some bad choices my credit is shot to pieces and I need to rebuild it. However same as with an affair you either choose to move past it and can't hold it against the other person forever, or you leave. You can't stay and user it as a weapon to beat them with.

Interesting to see both perspectives on this.

I feel that if the debt's in your name and you are repaying it then he's being unreasonable. You made a mistake, admitted it and you are resolving it. If he can't get past it then he needs to leave, not make your life a misery while you do penance to him.

How has it affected him? Are you saving for a mortgage? I would be very upset if it affected future plans to buy together because your credit rating was affected. But he needs to decide if he can get over it or not. And he should be paying more towards the bills etc.

I can understand why he's angry & sad. I would feel the same, like I'd been lied to & as if my partner had neither valued or trusted me enough to try to help them until it got desperate. It would be this, as much as the debt itself, that would upset me. I saw my father do similar to my mother, & she had to deal with the consequences. And then he did it again, & she remortgaged the house without him so he couldn't put us at risk of homelessness any more. He is renting, & still has massive credit card debts 12 years later. She is mortgage free now.