Husband resents me for debt

[wishes1111]

Hello

I'll try and explain as briefly as possible.

I was raised by my grandparents and lost them both within 3 years or each other to cancer (in their 60s). I've also had 6 miscarriages during and since.

I have been on antidepressants since age 14 and have a history of anxiety too.

My coping mechanism was to spend, I took loans out, ordered clothes, things I didn't need and racked up nearly £8000 in debt, exchanging my utter sadness and despair for temporary happiness.

After 2 years of paying the minimum payments, I realised I couldn't hide it anymore, interest was rising and I was struggling to cope and was losing the battle of keeping my head above water.

I earn £24,000 a year, my husband earns £40,000.

I admitted it all during a breakdown, he was angry and sad that I'd done this and especially since I'd hid it from him. I fully understood this and took responsibility for my actions. I entered a payment plan with stepchange and have kept up with payments over the past couple of years and it's slowly but surely reducing. I'm paying this myself, as well as £550 for my half of rent and £30 for my phone. The rest, I use for birthday presents, diesel, car insurance and tax and I'm left with little per month. I've also cleared my overdraft in this time.

I have taken no further loans out since entering my plan with stepchange.

My problem is, my Husband resents me for this. He is a saver, he won't spend unless he has to and he saves what he can (which is a good thing). I've tried my hardest to turn my life around and take responsibility.

He said he will resent me until it's all paid off which will be another couple of years. Some days he is lovely, others it's like he's punishing me for my mistakes. Digs here and there, cold towards me, brings up what I did.

I can't even explain how much I regret doing this but I can't live like this. If I have £10 left for the last week of the month and I need to get something such as tampons or some lunch stuff for work , he tells me to sort it out myself. I understand I'm not his responsibility but this is wearing me down.

He has more than enough in savings to clear my debt. I don't expect him to do that but know in a heartbeat I would do it for him if I knew it was weighing on his shoulders, adding anxiety to his life and and he'd made an effort to change.

I feel I can't go on this way, but when he's in a nice mood I love him so much, when he's in his resentful mood he makes me feel low and like he'll never move past it.

I'm waffling, I don't expect people to think he's in the wrong, I get it.

I guess I'm just hoping for a hand hold whilst suffering my latest miscarriage, dealing with a resentful husband and trying my hardest to not fall back into a deep depression x

Also, Loads of people get into debt! It's not peculiar to you so it doesn't need this level of punishment. What a twat

It’s probably more that you lied to him than got yourself in debt. That’s something that affects both of you and you didn’t tell him. That’s got to sting.

Over and done with now, you’ve surly learnt your lesson and I assume you won’t be doing anything like that again so the only way for you is upwards! That’s a good thing, your getting there.

Once the debt is paid you can work on your next goal, which is do you want to stay with your partner or not?

@Pebbledashery

And.. Imagine if this was a man and his wife had found out he'd racked up mountains of debts behind her back and she posted on here.. We'd all be saying LTB!

Not for this amount of debt. 20k with missed payments then yes but not 8k when it’s an uneven contribution to bills.

There’s a lot of angry women on Mumsnet who are very quick to suggest the woman LTB for even the most minor offence IMO.

Well done, OP. You've made a mistake, owned up and are in the process of rectifying it, all while dealing with considerable emotional upheaval.

I would struggle in your shoes too. Yes, your husband is entitled to his disappointment but his behaviour is a poor show. It reads to me as though what you actually want from him is not his money but some simple kindness and recognition that you're turning things around. I think that's a fair thing to expect from your "team mate".

OP im so sorry that you are having to think about this whilst dealing with another miscarriage. It is raising alarm bells for me though, what have you discussed finance wise with your husband when it comes to a baby? How would you pay off your debt if you were on maternity leave if this is your husbands attitude now? How would you pay half towards nursery bills when you go back to work? I understand his feelings of betrayal about the lie but if this all came out 2 years ago and he's still behaving like this im puzzled to why he's planning on children with you if he resents you so much still and am worried he doesnt realise he will be taking on more financial burden when the baby arrives than normal because of the debt. He's resenting you over needing tampons, thats awful. What have you discussed?

Can't believe how many have honed in on this, which actually isn't 'mountains of debt', when he out earns her and yet still doing 50/50 on all the rent and bills. What a dick! And the resenting for years and years. You don't have to live like this.

@MrsBobDylan

I would leave him. DH and I would use savings to bail the other out of debt, however it was acquired.

He is repeatedly punishing you for something you have owned and are sorting out. Once the debt is paid he will find something else to punish you for and keep you strung along by occasionally showing the 'not real' lovely man side which he puts on to reel you in.

Totally agree, leave him and take your debts with you! When a man accrues a load of deby the advice is often LTB , I can guarantee that were the roles reversed you would still be angry with him.

He is very much in the wrong, he is using this as a stick to beat you with. This is emotional abuse.

You did NOT borrow the debt money from HIM.
HE is the victim of NOTHING here.
He has no legal responsibility here.
He has no right to pass judgement in repeated comments, that's abusive.

This

As with any similar situation that people may consider relationship dealbreakers, you either forgive someone or you decide it's too big a deal to forgive and end the relationship. But continuing the relationship and continuing to emotionally beat someone is pathetic behaviour that helps no one.

He had two options when he discovered your lie. Forgive and forget (which includes acknowledging the positive steps you are taking to sort this) or to leave.

What he is doing is a halfway house. And it's good for nothing.

I cN see his point of view even though I'm sorry for your losses. My ex of 20 years was ways in serious debt and it ended our marriage. I am the one with mental health problems not him. Him paying off his debts all that time meant he could never contribute to the household, there were no holidays and I could never afford anything for myself as I had the mortgage and bills to pay for. He was always saying it didn't affect me but it did. After 20 years of this I divorced him. Just could not cope any more. Since the divorce he has racked up 50k more debt and wants to come back but there is no way. Debt grinds everyone down. You need therapy to find coping mechanisms so this doesn't happen again.

Sorry I am just still shocked that he refuses to help you with food or tampons. I really am in disbelief. I cannot believe you want a baby with this man. Have you actually considered what's going to happen when you have a baby and can't work/maternity? When your income decreases it seems like he will still expect you to pay half of everything plus your debt repayments.

His behaviour is really concerning. Not sure why you're paying 50/50 anyway when you earn so much less than him. My DP and I split 60/40!

I guarantee that in two years he WILL find something else to resent you for. Because he's enjoying it.

What's the plan for finances if you do conceive?

You're doing brilliantly OP. You've taken no more loans and are paying off what you owe. I wonder if your OH is behaving in this mean way because he's actually terrified that you will get into more debt and he feels that if he is mean to you that his behaviour will put you off making the same mistakes again?

@Indecisive12 I agree.. But if the roles were reversed that's what the majority of angry MN users would be saying.
Op's debt doesn't directly affect her husband but I suppose he is probably irked she hid it from him.. I'd be furious if that was my partner who hid his debt from him.. Op doesn't deserve his treatment but I can understand why he's annoyed.

Again, he had every right to be upset when he first found out but his current behaviour is downright unpleasant.

I'd go as far as to suggest that he is himself an ongoing source of your anxiety and depression!

I hope you have help, counselling etc that you can access to explore how you really feel about him and the situaton.

As other have said, get the debt paid off, do not have kids and see how you feel when you have properly explored how his behaviour makes you feel with a counsellor.

@HurricaneBitch

* You did NOT borrow the debt money from HIM. HE is the victim of NOTHING here. He has no legal responsibility here. He has no right to pass judgement in repeated comments, that's abusive.*

This in droves.

This too.

He should not use this as a stick to beat you with.

I can't believe he's not really supporting you.

I think you have a dh problem and not a debt problem now.

He doesn’t sound very nice from what you’ve written.

You addressed the debt and are paying it off. Being in debt doesn’t make you a terrible person, it’s just money at the end of the day. Well done for getting help.

@user234987653

He is very much in the wrong, he is using this as a stick to beat you with. This is emotional abuse.

You did NOT borrow the debt money from HIM.
HE is the victim of NOTHING here.
He has no legal responsibility here.
He has no right to pass judgement in repeated comments, that's abusive.

This absolutely.^ You need to continue to get help for your depression but you also need to see a marriage counselor or a divorce lawyer. His abusive attitude is fueling your depression and he is a poor husband if he has sentenced you to a period of "punishment by resentment and mental cruelty" until you have paid off your debt. FYI: When you debt is paid, he will continue to be mentally cruel to you and justify it by saying "If you hadn't incurred all that debt we would have a house by now."

Be kind to yourself. It’s £8,000 which with your plan now in place you will clear quickly. Then you can start saving/building yourself back up into a great position. It’s not effecting your husband day to day is it. He needs to be a bit fairer, we aren’t all perfect.

Its emotional and financial abuse now, regardless of how angry he was at finding out. Hes punishing you and you are beginning to believe this is what you deserve. This isnt healthy.

I think he is being very mean spirited here and it is becoming abusive.

You have been through a very hard time with losing your grandparents and the repeated miscarriages. This contributed to your mistakes getting into debt, which you have owned and are taking big steps to rectify.

His anger on first hearing about your debt is understandable. His failure to recognise the clear steps you have been following to sort the issue out plus his promise to resent you for the two years it will take you to clear the debt are mean and nasty.

I'd be tempted to tell him that I didn't wish to stay and be resented for the next two years. What's the betting that even once you have cleared the debt he never lets you forget it and regularly drags it up in conversations?

It's not true that he's the victim of nothing here, he has been deceived over money by his spouse. That would be a big deal to lots of people. I'm not sure its reasonable to expect him to just "get over it" either.

That said, I think his resentment and (quite frankly cruelty) would make me question what sort of future you might have with him OP. It isnt reasonable for him to hold this over you forevermore. And do you really think it's a good idea to have a child with this man? How are you both proposing to manage your finances with a child in the middle. 50:50? But will care be 50:50 too? Or will you lit get left holding the baby and paying for 50% of everything? What about maternity leave, will he support you financially through that?

I know that a divorce is probably not what you want but, in your position, I'd consider it. And Od certainly not bring a child into this relationship unless a lot changed first.

I think you should stop blaming the debt on things that have happened and own it properly. But I also think your DH is being unreasonable and treating you with some cruelty.

Early on in my marriage I found that my husband had been hiding some debt. He hadn’t been spending irresponsibly, he had a couple of years of insecure employment and unemployment just before he met me, he then changed career and was on an entry salary and day to day expenses had just got on top of him. My first reaction was to be angry, about this because he had not told me. I then paid the debt off in full because he is my husband and I don’t want him to be struggling. Fifteen years on and we are fine, we consider all our money shared and have never argued about money.

If you accept your responsibility and have taken steps to ensure it won’t happens again, I think your husband’s attitude of punishing you is mean and not how I could live.

I’m on the fence. The op lied and hid this from him for a long time. I’d be fuming about that. As much as he needs to accept and not comment, I can see why he’d be upset about it

But the op has to pay it off herself. She’s doing this and it seems she’s doing well and that’s great, but he should not be expect to give his savings to her to pay it off for her. And that’s really where she’s going with it.