Husband resents me for debt

[wishes1111]

Hello

I'll try and explain as briefly as possible.

I was raised by my grandparents and lost them both within 3 years or each other to cancer (in their 60s). I've also had 6 miscarriages during and since.

I have been on antidepressants since age 14 and have a history of anxiety too.

My coping mechanism was to spend, I took loans out, ordered clothes, things I didn't need and racked up nearly £8000 in debt, exchanging my utter sadness and despair for temporary happiness.

After 2 years of paying the minimum payments, I realised I couldn't hide it anymore, interest was rising and I was struggling to cope and was losing the battle of keeping my head above water.

I earn £24,000 a year, my husband earns £40,000.

I admitted it all during a breakdown, he was angry and sad that I'd done this and especially since I'd hid it from him. I fully understood this and took responsibility for my actions. I entered a payment plan with stepchange and have kept up with payments over the past couple of years and it's slowly but surely reducing. I'm paying this myself, as well as £550 for my half of rent and £30 for my phone. The rest, I use for birthday presents, diesel, car insurance and tax and I'm left with little per month. I've also cleared my overdraft in this time.

I have taken no further loans out since entering my plan with stepchange.

My problem is, my Husband resents me for this. He is a saver, he won't spend unless he has to and he saves what he can (which is a good thing). I've tried my hardest to turn my life around and take responsibility.

He said he will resent me until it's all paid off which will be another couple of years. Some days he is lovely, others it's like he's punishing me for my mistakes. Digs here and there, cold towards me, brings up what I did.

I can't even explain how much I regret doing this but I can't live like this. If I have £10 left for the last week of the month and I need to get something such as tampons or some lunch stuff for work , he tells me to sort it out myself. I understand I'm not his responsibility but this is wearing me down.

He has more than enough in savings to clear my debt. I don't expect him to do that but know in a heartbeat I would do it for him if I knew it was weighing on his shoulders, adding anxiety to his life and and he'd made an effort to change.

I feel I can't go on this way, but when he's in a nice mood I love him so much, when he's in his resentful mood he makes me feel low and like he'll never move past it.

I'm waffling, I don't expect people to think he's in the wrong, I get it.

I guess I'm just hoping for a hand hold whilst suffering my latest miscarriage, dealing with a resentful husband and trying my hardest to not fall back into a deep depression x

OP if you’re earning 24k per year and he’s earning 40k per year and your outgoings are £1100

You should be paying £412.50

He should be paying £687.50

There, that took me 2 seconds to work out. I’m sure if he’s earning 40k er year he’s capable of that basic level of maths.

OP you should calculate his debt to you, all the money he’s been fucking you over by. I bet it would go a long way to paying off your debts, then he won’t have to resent you for so long.

Don’t be under any illusions though, a man like this will find something else to belittle you for when the debt is paid off.

@Godimabitch

He shouldn't be continuing to sulk. Bu I absolutely don't think he should have paid your debts off and he has every right to be pissed off. Excuses aside, you did this, it's your mess to clean up.

So many times we see this on here the other way around and everyone says "why did you pay off his debts?!"

You've affected his life, if he wants to do anything fun with you he'll have to pay, because now you cant afford it, you cant afford to save or contribute to anything big. What happens if the boiler breaks, theres a flood, any big expense, you have nothing to contribute. No big holidays, you can't afford it. Every decision now has to take into account your debt. So yeah I'd be pissed off, but if he's chosen to stay he needs to stop sulking.

Yes I agree with this. He has been lied to and is massively affected by your actions, so yes he is a victim to some extent and I can see why he’s lashing out. That said he has to either accept it or leave, but he might not have come to terms with that yet in his head. I left an ex fiancé over similar. We just lived in different ways, he ran up debt, I was cautious. We just weren’t on the same page.

I'm paying this myself, as well as £550 for my half of rent and £30 for my phone. The rest, I use for birthday presents, diesel, car insurance and tax and I'm left with little per month. I've also cleared my overdraft in this time.

OP I get the issue other PPs have raised about the rent split, but you don't mention bills, food etc. Does he pay for those? If so, his contribution to the household would be much more in line with the difference in earnings. Is he wanting you to contribute more to those things, or is he happy to do it even when you're out of debt?

The thing is, no-one who's ever enjoyed spending will understand the mindset of a compulsive saver, and vice versa. Maybe he has a horror of debt, and is worrying that although it's not his, there is debt within the household. Why didn't you tell him about your spending?

Have you talked together about why you didn't? About why he can be so different sometimes, about why it bothers him?

If he will engage with it, a clear the air discussion could resolve a lot of what's going on in his head.

I don't get a sense of how long it has been since he found out about your debt. It must have been a big shock and it takes time to forgive and trust someone again. He might need to time to see you are serious about paying this off and taking responsibility for your spending and mental health issues. It is fair to give him that time, if that is what he needs. If my partner had racked up thousands in debt I would feel so betrayed. It would be a hard thing to come back from.

That said, it is also fair to say that you are not there to be constantly kicked at for your past mistake either. So give it time but you are also within your right to at some point say enough is enough and that if he is going to stay with you then he needs to put it behind him.

I think from what you have said so far that you just need to give him a bit more time. That much debt is a big deal even if there are understandable mental health issues at play.

Don't have a child with him. I'd be tempted to leave. No way he should beat you over the head with this when you're sorting it out.

I'll be honest I haven't read lol the pp so not sure if anyone else has already suggested this. Do you think any of the resentment could be because you hid it for so long and he feels a trust abs betrayal issue?

I agree he isn't a victim and you've taking and dealing with all responsibilities however from personal experience I was so hurt and disappointed when I found out an ex had been hiding such debt from me.

He’s been fucking you over to the tune of £137.50 per month. What a prince.

He could have paid off your debt and cleared yur credit rating more quickly. You could have 'paid him back' - though I don't get that, withing a marriage - without you both having to worry about it.

Or he could have left you to pay it off, knowing that you would be far ess likely to get back into debt after that struggle. And then he could have stopped using it as a stick to beat you.

Or he could have left you to it, ended your marriage.

But he chose the nastiest halfway house of all of those.

BEFORE you get pregnant you MUST have a discussion about what happens when you are on maternity leave; who will pay childcare bills etc etc etc.

He sound like the kind of man who would think that such thngs were The Mother's problem!

Oh my gosh I’m so sorry for what’s happened to you. That being said I don’t agree with your husband resenting you but I agree that it’s your debt alone not his. I’d be annoyed if my partner hid debt from me and then as a higher earner wanted me to pay it off. You made the debt so you pay it.

He said he will resent me until it's all paid off which will be another couple of years. Some days he is lovely, others it's like he's punishing me for my mistakes. Digs here and there, cold towards me, brings up what I did

He’s punishing you. He’s even told he intends to continue punishing you until he sees fit. That’s not resentment, that’s a cold and calculated decision. If you hadn’t got into this debt- his official reason to treat you this way- I wouldn’t be surprised if he found other “reasons” to punish you. It’s emotionally abusive behaviour.

In reality, how much more can I do? I made a terrible mistake out of utter devastation and bad mental health. I'm trying my hardest to rectify this

This paragraph stood out to me op. You ran up debt, you didn't commit a murder. He is using this as a stick to beat you with.
My DH has gone through similar with me twice. Both times he was upset, both times he paid off the debt ( the 2nd time was partly due to him having caring commitments, so me covering more household expenses than I could actually afford). You know how often he throws it in my face ? Never.
Because I was unwell at the time.

Wow, only read the first comment but that is fucking harsh!!
I don’t see why he resents you tbh, me and my partner have different attitudes to money at times and he spends when I wouldn’t, personally.
You need to discuss this, he needs to let it go. Have an open, honest conversation and explain you don’t expect him to pay it off or anything but his resentment and comments are really getting you down. Once he realises its effecting you to the point of wanting to end the relationship, I’m sure he will realise he has to let it go.

@LadyRoughDiamond

I’m going to go against the grain here OP. You’ve acknowledged that you did wrong and you have taken positive steps to put things right. The fact that he is able to keep this up and is actually planning to continue with this behaviour is a bit of a red flag to me. Do you think that there’s a possibility that he likes having you on the back foot? And with that in mind, do you think that, once everything is paid off, he could look for something else to punish you for or, indeed, choose to simply not get over this? Only you know your relationship, but I’d be concerned that there is a power dynamic at play here that isn’t strictly healthy.

Absolutely this. If things are going to work out long term he has to let this go. It’s not fair to punish you for years over it, and I think it’s a warning that when this is done there will be something else.

Honestly your husband doesn’t sound like a nice person. I can understand his initial frustration/anger but that he won’t forgive you until the debt is paid off is horrible behaviour. It’s like a massive ongoing sulk which is emotionally manipulative. From what you have said you are dealing with your spending issues and you are effectively doing it alone and you should be really proud of yourself for achieving what you have.

He isn't being logical. Assuming he has the money he should buy the debt from you. You still need to keep paying it off, with interest to him.
At the moment you are throwing the interest away.

I disagree with everyone who says he has a right to resent you, OP.
Yes, if you were continuing to rack up debt after promising not to, he could have a case for resentment, but since you have worked hard to get back on your feet he has no right to remain resentful.
You need to tell him to start appreciating what you have done to reverse your situation, and stop punishing you, especially given your current situation. He’s supposed to support you, that’s his job as a husband.
He’s also financially abusing you by making you pay half the mortgage when he earns more than you, and by leaving you short for essentials. In your situation all bills should be pooled and each of you should pay the same percentage of your respective take-home pay to cover these (including tampons!)
You do need to sort it out with him. Good luck and 💐

@Whatisthisfuckery

OP if you’re earning 24k per year and he’s earning 40k per year and your outgoings are £1100

You should be paying £412.50

He should be paying £687.50

There, that took me 2 seconds to work out. I’m sure if he’s earning 40k er year he’s capable of that basic level of maths.

OP you should calculate his debt to you, all the money he’s been fucking you over by. I bet it would go a long way to paying off your debts, then he won’t have to resent you for so long.

Don’t be under any illusions though, a man like this will find something else to belittle you for when the debt is paid off.

How do you know their outgoings are 1,100? OP didn't say that but she did confirm they split bills 60/40 so when she said her "half" I think it was just a figure of speech and not literal since they do split bills proportionally.

@Idontknowausername
I think he’s entirely within his right to resent you. You’re lucky he’s stayed with you tbh. I don’t think many women on here would stay with their husbands if the roles were reversed

What a nasty nasty comment, did you not read the reasoning behind it? It’s sad that the op felt she was unable to open up about how she was feeling, and when she did she wasn’t supported, and still isn’t.

@Idontknowausername there was a post on here recently about how nasty people are getting, seems you are leading the way. If you can’t support the op then just don’t say anything

@wishes1111 this is emotional abuse, yes he maybe upset, but he seems to have no empathy about why it’s happened, or be providing you with any support. He if he like this now, can you really cope with it for another two years until the debts cleared? Then what he suddenly is nice again? I think it’s very telling that you haven’t felt able to tell him how you have been feeling and got yourself into this mess instead. Have you thought about why you couldn’t tell him how you felt? And why is he resenting you? You are paying your debts off, still contributing to the household ( and is that proportionate to your earnings, it wouldn’t be fair if he earns so much more but you pay half)

Counselling may help both of you, but personally I wouldn’t be happy being with someone who resents me, it’s no way to live

He said he will resent me until it's all paid off which will be another couple of years. Some days he is lovely, others it's like he's punishing me for my mistakes. Digs here and there, cold towards me, brings up what I did.

This isn't on.

He is allowed not to forgive you, allowed to remain angry and resentful and allowed not to be able to move on. BUT, if that is how it is for him, he needs to find his balls and leave. Go. End it. He cannot expect to stay with you and punish you. Either he can get past it and behave reasonably toward you or he cannot. Sustained emotional abuse is not acceptable because the victim behaved terribly in the past.

You say your DP keeps bringing up the debt. Do you ever bring it up? Eg spontaneously mentioning you feel crap about it, or telling him you've paid off another chunk, or being proactive about working out when you'll get the defaults off your credit record? Maybe he needs to hear that stuff come from you, and that's why he brings it up?
What, so unless OP demonstrates sufficient unhappiness and worry she doesn't deserve kindness? That's no way to run a marriage. That's a horrible approach to take to a relationship.

I guarantee that in two years he WILL find something else to resent you for. Because he's enjoying it. What's the plan for finances if you do conceive?

Completely agree with this. I'm a saver, my initial reaction was that I would resent it and feel it a breach of trust but you are paying more than your fair share of all the bills and the repayment plan - how is this negatively affecting him?

Add in health issues with the depression and recurrent miscarriage and that starts to sound like a bit of an arse frankly.

What has he done to support you and help you (emotionally and practically I mean, financial help in your relationship plainly goes in the other direction)?

For goodness sake. He is miserable and tight, he should help you he is only making the debt more expensive for you. I also think your credit rating effects his ( assuming you are married). I’d threaten to leave him because you are being punished twice!!! You already have to pay the debt through a scheme because you recognised your couldn’t it’s pain it financially and for your pride!

Obviously if this was a pattern then I would side with your partner. But you made a mistake and he needs to get over it! God forbid he makes any!

Re my post above, if not clear- first bolded quote is from OP's first post, second bolded quote is from another poster further down the thread.

I'd be annoyed too if my partner racked up 8k worth of debt behind my back and spent on stuff they didn't need. But it's done now. Are bills split in a fair way. And where is your money going.

Pay off your debts then leave.

£8K is not massive for your household income. At least some of what you spent would have been on items you needed, not just impulse fripperies. Plus you had a major mental illness at the time - you have had help, not slipped up and instead of being supportive he is whinging at you.

I promise you the household outgoings are not split accurately 60:40. And neither is he going to suddenly flick a switch in his brain and start respecting you once the debt is paid off.

If he'll see you go without a tampon now, what will he be like when you have a baby and are on mat leave, or there are childcare expenses?

Pay off your debt, leave and take his pension with you.

My God op. This man is punishing you as if you committed some heinous crime. I don't think he loves you. You were doing through hell and made a mistake. A mistake that you are rectifying and haven't done again. If your husband can't forgive you this then you deserve more. And if he Can't help you, then you don't deserve him. He is a really horrible man, and the punishment he is handing out is far worse than what you have done. Please believe that this is not ok at all!!