Husband resents me for debt

[wishes1111]

Hello

I'll try and explain as briefly as possible.

I was raised by my grandparents and lost them both within 3 years or each other to cancer (in their 60s). I've also had 6 miscarriages during and since.

I have been on antidepressants since age 14 and have a history of anxiety too.

My coping mechanism was to spend, I took loans out, ordered clothes, things I didn't need and racked up nearly £8000 in debt, exchanging my utter sadness and despair for temporary happiness.

After 2 years of paying the minimum payments, I realised I couldn't hide it anymore, interest was rising and I was struggling to cope and was losing the battle of keeping my head above water.

I earn £24,000 a year, my husband earns £40,000.

I admitted it all during a breakdown, he was angry and sad that I'd done this and especially since I'd hid it from him. I fully understood this and took responsibility for my actions. I entered a payment plan with stepchange and have kept up with payments over the past couple of years and it's slowly but surely reducing. I'm paying this myself, as well as £550 for my half of rent and £30 for my phone. The rest, I use for birthday presents, diesel, car insurance and tax and I'm left with little per month. I've also cleared my overdraft in this time.

I have taken no further loans out since entering my plan with stepchange.

My problem is, my Husband resents me for this. He is a saver, he won't spend unless he has to and he saves what he can (which is a good thing). I've tried my hardest to turn my life around and take responsibility.

He said he will resent me until it's all paid off which will be another couple of years. Some days he is lovely, others it's like he's punishing me for my mistakes. Digs here and there, cold towards me, brings up what I did.

I can't even explain how much I regret doing this but I can't live like this. If I have £10 left for the last week of the month and I need to get something such as tampons or some lunch stuff for work , he tells me to sort it out myself. I understand I'm not his responsibility but this is wearing me down.

He has more than enough in savings to clear my debt. I don't expect him to do that but know in a heartbeat I would do it for him if I knew it was weighing on his shoulders, adding anxiety to his life and and he'd made an effort to change.

I feel I can't go on this way, but when he's in a nice mood I love him so much, when he's in his resentful mood he makes me feel low and like he'll never move past it.

I'm waffling, I don't expect people to think he's in the wrong, I get it.

I guess I'm just hoping for a hand hold whilst suffering my latest miscarriage, dealing with a resentful husband and trying my hardest to not fall back into a deep depression x

OP I've been on the other side of this. Secret debt and lies. It destroys your trust in someone; however, your DH has a choice, he either accepts you made a mistake, you apologised and you work as a team to clear this debt or he walks away. (Terrible idea to have one party in a debt management plan and one with savings. It will impact on your credit rating which will have implications for mortgages later on).

He can't stay and beat you over the head with this, cause that will ultimately destroy you. I second marriage counselling. You need to work out if you can stay together and move on from this.

I would also look at ways to increase your income. Second job etc. You need more financial security.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

He had two options when he discovered your lie. Forgive and forget (which includes acknowledging the positive steps you are taking to sort this) or to leave.

What he is doing is a halfway house. And it's good for nothing.

Third option be supportive and go through finances together, acknowledge it is wrong to go pay 50:50 since he earns more and suggest this is readjusted so she can pay her debt off quicker. Offer support and make OP feel she can talk to him in future rather than secretly accumulating debt? That’s what my DH would have done.

I think he's right not to use his savings to clear your debt. He doesn't know that you wouldn't do it again and it's not fair to him to expect it. I have to admit I would also resent my partner if they got into debt secretly, but can understand how it's horrible for you now that you are trying to clear it.

Divorce him. Take half of his savings and pay you debts with it and then find a nicer man to marry.

He should be paying more of the rent and should not be giving you a hard time over the debt. However, he should not pay it off for you.

I think I would put the ttc on hold for now. I think you sound as if you need a break, and also, I would not want to be pregnant to a man who can act so vindictively towards you.

Stop and take time.

Yes you did something awful, but to choose to stay with you then make your life hell - especially when you are so obviously miserable - is also an awful thing to do.

If you've made changes, regret what you did and are paying it back then I don't see what point there is in his attitude. What does he expect? You can't change the past. He's just making the relationship more unstable. I can understand his initial anger and resentment but he needs to get over it to move forward.

I'm sorry you're going through this and you sound like you've had some hard times.

@ErickBroch

Sorry I am just still shocked that he refuses to help you with food or tampons. I really am in disbelief. I cannot believe you want a baby with this man. Have you actually considered what's going to happen when you have a baby and can't work/maternity? When your income decreases it seems like he will still expect you to pay half of everything plus your debt repayments.

His behaviour is really concerning. Not sure why you're paying 50/50 anyway when you earn so much less than him. My DP and I split 60/40!

I agree with many of the posters on the thread but this post mentions having a baby. I would definitely put that on hold until you're sure that your husband isn't going to lord this debt over you even when it's been paid off.

He absolutely shouldn't be doing that. It is a debt that you're paying off, you took appropriate steps to do that and your husband should be supporting you. Either that or your marriage vows don't mean a thing.

I worry for you that you will feel 'less than', forever, if you stay with this man. If it were me and I actually could think of a factor that would make me want to stay (I really can't), I'd tell him that he treats me as a wife or no longer has one. You don't deserve this.

About your finances. If you genuinely don't have enough money for tampons or food you're either not sticking to your budget or things gave changed and you need to reduce your payments to Stepchange by doing another review.

I can understand why your husband is disappointed/upset/concerned about your financial situation but he shouldn't be punishing you about it. You've action to address this and he should be supporting you.

Well he’s a fine one to bitch n you about debt while he’s busy financially fucking you over too. He earns nearly twice what you do yet expects you to pay 50% of rent/bills? He’s a piece of work if ever there was one. he’s a nasty little parasite himself. It’s easy to save your money when you’re financially fucking over your wife, innit mate?

OP your H is an emotionally and financially abusive piece of crap.

Building up debt in secret would be a deal breaker for me.

But I wouldn't have forgiven you. I would have left. I think your husband either needs to forgive you or do likewise.

Op has there been any implications for him in this? Were you trying to buy a house or save for something?

Also it seems you only told him when you couldn’t keep up with the payments any more, and then you got help from step change, did he support you on this?

Oh op. I could have posted something very similar. Got into debt, so ashamed I didn't tell my then partner now husband for years partly because I thought it was my problem to sort out. When I did tell him he was so angry we nearly split up over it. Most of his anger was because he felt I didn't trust him. However once he'd decided he wanted us to stay together, he did everything he could to support me in fixing the problem and sat down with me to work out the best way to do that. Since then the only time he has ever mentioned it was to say how he was proud of me for getting debt free. Only you can say whether your husband is generally kind and supportive. If he isn't, then I would be considering my options. To me the most important things I look for in a partner are kindness, and honesty. Good luck and well done for taking even the first steps in getting out of debt

50% of the bills is not right, you need to "renegotiate" this with dh. Or better said "d"h. Bills should be split according to income, will you still be paying 50% when you are on maternity leave?

I would seriously consider what you are getting from this relationship. Little digs and so on, don't sound too great. Why does he get to be resentful? What has your debt cost him? Tbh he sounds awful.

Pay off your debts and then leave the man

Someone who repeatedly brings something up that has made your life so painful is a prick

How dare he abuse you like that

I would dump him now but since he likes to use his power over you, turn it on it's head pay off all your debts ASAP and leave him

What a bully

I’m a saver like your “D”H and whilst I’d be pissed off if my partner racked up debt, I wouldn’t beat them over the head with it. You’re doing everything you can to rectify this. You’re not asking him to pay it off and he’s losing none of his money whatsoever. In fact, he’s profiting from you by splitting costs 50/50! LOL at the person who suggested divorcing him and using the settlement to pay it off

Can you tell us more about not being able to afford food and tampons, his response and the outcome? I mean, are you actually having to go without eating and using toilet paper when you have your period, and he doesn't care?

That is NOT how you treat someone you love.
If you were my partner, I would pay it off.
Either he can let it go or he can't. If he can't and he's planning on treating you like shit then he should feel free to pack a bag and fuck off.

And before you accept that he's a knob and divorce him, taking half of his money, absolutely don't have any kids with the twat.
Imagine your teenage daughter going without tampons at dad's house because she didn't prioritise her finances?
Eugh.

I'd have been out the door the second he pulled the 50/50 stunt when you're married and he out earns you by £16000/annum. Would never have a child with him, either, not a chance. He'll be the type to expect the 50/50 when you're on mat leave starving. I'd rather live in a house share than with a mean-spirited person like this. You don't have to put up with it. He'll only get worse if you have kids with him.

This!!! £8k is not really a lot of debt, it's a car loan at worst. OK so hiding it was wrong, but owning it and sorting it speaks volumes.

Are you 50/50 on all the bills or just the rent? If its all bills then he's a momumental arse hole. If you were paying proportionate ratios you could pay the debt of quicker.

@wishes1111

Thank you everyone.

I have had no finances, loans etc since I admitted it to him and started my plan with Stepchange. I would never do it again.

I have spoken to him and he said he will resent me until the day I've cleared it so I guess I'm in this for the long run.

Well he is an arsehole then.

You have admitted you have a problem and you are fixing it.

To be honest, why are you with him?

TBH i would be tempted to go to a solicitor. (Might even see if it is regarded in law as joint debt) and then take your share of the matrimonial split and go start a new life. Eventually hopefully with someone who does not punish you relentlessly.

I'd never think that regularly, but he is emotionally abusive and manipulating you.

You deceived him and lied to him and failed to be open with him over a number of years. You have lost his trust. You may have damaged his credit score if you are financially connected. You aren't the person he thought he'd married.

He now needs to decide to either accept you are sorry and are clearing your debts, and forgive you or leave you. It isn't fair of him to make you pay for the 'crime' forever. However, I do think you need to pay the debt back yourself and not expect him to use his savings to do so. This will show you have learnt from the mistake. It would be too easy to do again if you got bailed out.

Do you need to have additional treatment or therapies for depression because you say your coping mechanism was to spend money but you obviously weren't coping?

What has your husband been like through the miscarriages? He must have suffered too and it must be hard to feel you are in a loving marriage and been through a lot together only to find that so much has been hidden from you.
Maybe some relationship therapy might be in order?

I mean op pays half rent and her £30 phone bill plus her debt. He pays everything else.

So half rent and full council tax, gas, electric, water, food, tv, internet, car, fuel etc etc

I’d be pissed. Her secret debts mean if they buy they will need a lot bigger deposit due to the black mark on her credit file or will have to wait years longer until it all drops off her credit file and that’s without the fact she’s unable to help save towards a deposit.

i'm in agreement with most others here. i think your dh is fucking you over.

i wouldn't be happy to find out that my dh hid debt from me. or had debt to be honest. but i wouldn't hold it over him like a stick to beat him with.

he's going to be unhappy with you until you pay it off? that's awful.

for what its worth i had around £15k debt (loans to study, credit cards) when dh and i were first married. he offered to pay them off for me. but i sorted it myself. eventually. its something i'm not proud of but i was/am to a certain extent the same - an emotional spender.

dh never held it against me though. he acknowledged it, he was angry for a bit because i hadn't told him about it. and offered to help. but i asked him to help me work out how to pay it off. not pay it off for me.

from your post you've gt this all figured out. you're working towards plan of being debt free and your dh should acknowledge this.