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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Close family member has ‘moved in’ to my rented room without asking - AIBU to be annoyed?

137 replies

Frustratedflatmate · 31/01/2021 19:14

A very close family member and I both live as lodgers in the same house (we each have separate bedrooms, and our live-in landlord has her own bedroom).

Between lockdowns last year, I moved back to live with my parents. However, I’m still paying rent for my room at the LL’s house, and intend to move back to the LL’s house as soon as I can after this lockdown.

A couple of days ago, close family member informed me he had now moved into my room and was living there as it was a ‘change of scenery’ (he’s unofficially moved in - it’s not a permanent arrangement or anything).

This has really annoyed me, as I see it as an invasion of my private space, so I think it’s really unfair that he’s done it without even asking me first.

Both the close family member and I pay a lot as lodgers and each of us have lovely rooms. We are also very lucky that the LL’s house is spacious, so the LL has lots of living space, as do we.

I asked close family member to move out of my room but obviously I’m not going to know if he has or not whilst I’m not there.

At a bit of a loss about what to do. AIBU and any ideas about how I should approach this please?

OP posts:

Littleposh · 01/02/2021 02:08

do something, or stop whining about it. No one on here can fix it for you!!

Perching · 01/02/2021 02:20

Tell him he’s like a dog marking his territory, your bedroom is just another lamppost. It’s not on. You should not need to move back to claim your space, you already pay for it! If this is a long term problem, move into another property. He sounds immature and you sound very wet! What’s the family dynamic here? Your answer as to how to deal with him in life in general may lie there.

melj1213 · 01/02/2021 02:23

Tbh I want to know why the LL hasn't noticed the OPs relative has been staying in the "wrong" room before now.

If I was a live in LL to two tenants, I would be expecting them to respect each others spaces and not be going in the other's room without express permission, whether they were family or two strangers, and if one lodger was away for an extended period of time then I would definitely notice if their room was being used (lights/noise/sound of doors opening and closing etc).

Surely the LL will have noticed your family member using your room OP? Perhaps they think that as you are family you have given him permission to do so and therefore are unaware you dont want him in your room. If they knew that he did not have your blessing to use your room the LL may be more than happy and willing to tell him to stay out of the room he is not paying for. I would definitely be bringing it up to them and letting them know that you have told your relative not to use your room.

"Hello LL, I have received a message from saying that he has been using my room while I am not there. I have asked him not to do this and would appreciate it if you could ensure he does not enter my room whilst I am not there. Thanks, OP"

alexdgr8 · 01/02/2021 02:29

OP, does this person push you around generally.
is it wise to stay in the same house as him.
why can't you say brother or whatever he is.
you sound almost frightened to reveal the relationship.
is there anything sinister in it.
could you get your parents to tell him to keep out of your room.
why hasn't the LL noticed. are you sure they will not help you.

zymummy · 01/02/2021 02:31

Just out of curiosity, if you've been staying at your parents for lockdown etc, then why on Earth are you even wasting money paying for this room? Like is there something special about this room that we are yet to hear about?

DuaneAgain · 01/02/2021 02:34

He needs a taste of his own medicine.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/02/2021 02:36

@AnnaMagdalena

Since when did being nice deserve vitriol?

OP is evidently a nice person who doesn't care for confrontation. I hate it, and I would go out of my way to avoid it.

It's also very easy to advise other people to "lose their shit" and "tell X to fuck off". In real life, people tend to look askance at that kind of behaviour.

OP, you are quite right that you have no way of knowing which bedroom your family member is using , whatever he says. If I were you, I would have a very gentle word with the LL and say that you and Family Member have a slightly difficult relationship and you don't want to upset the apple-cart - but could she please ask him to stick to his own room, as that's what he is renting from her?

I am a LL and have had a variety of lodgers, too. On the whole, if everyone is reasonable, everyone is reasonably happy. Things only really go tits up when people start asserting their rights and causing unnecessary drama. I think you could go some way to sorting this out without having to do anything you're uncomfortable with, OP.

I would do as advised here and have a gentle word with the LL.

You are actually the model lodger, really aren’t you? Paying rent but never there so she’s going to want to keep you. I also don’t understand why you kept the place on but aren’t living there. You’re saving up to but a place but have moved home so have no need of lodgings right now. Had you left, you would have saved even more. You already would have the benefit of not living with your smelly brother permanently.

starrynight21 · 01/02/2021 02:46

Surely your LL knows he is there ? It's a room in her house, she'd have to be blind not to know he is living there. I'd just ring and ask if I could place a lock on the door , then ring a locksmith and get the job done.

TartanLassie · 01/02/2021 02:55

Hmmmm this is difficult one OP. I'm a LL with 2 lodgers. Never had siblings, if one sibling had moved out and the other used the room would assume that the other sibling was aware.

However if I the "missing" sibling then complained about the other sibling being in their room, I'd be nightly pissed off. Last thing I'd want would be family conflict in my home. I'd expect them to sort it, I'm not their mum!

Saying that you could offer to pay to get a lock on your door and give the LL the other key.

If it couldn't be resolved amicably I'd probably ask you both to leave. No one needs someone else's family drama in their life and home!!

And please ignore the posters telling just go ahead and put a lock on your door. That would mightily piss LL off!

That saying though, I do have locks n my lodgers' rooms although no lodgers have used them.

Difficult situation and a bit freaky tbh. Why would your bother want to sleep in your bed??

Good luck getting a satisfactory solution.

Iflyaway · 01/02/2021 03:44

I really would prefer not to get LL involved at all as she’s lovely, we’re living in her house and this shouldn’t be made to be her problem.

I don't understand. Surely she knows who has moved into her house/your room? Why on earth would she not have got in contact with you about this - o.k. if it's family I get it can be more awkward.....

Sounds weird that someone else has just moved into your room. Though, in these weird pandemic times, anything is possible. i.e. a break-up in a relationship, needing a roof etc.

Hope it gets sorted.

Anyway, the bottom line for me is if I am paying rent to someone, it's my right to be able to lock up the space I am renting.

1forAll74 · 01/02/2021 03:48

Has your close family member had trouble paying for His room, and knows you are still paying for your room, so has this been a reason for his change of room., Its all very odd otherwise.

nettie434 · 01/02/2021 04:16

Completely agree with melj1213 that the landlady probably assumes that you are fine about your relative using your room. I think you should ask her about fitting a lock and explain that you are happy to pay for the cost. That will make it clear that it is not ok to use your room uninvited. When you were both at home, I don't expect your relative slept in your bedroom so why should he think it is ok to do it in the landlady's house?

MichelleScarn · 01/02/2021 07:19

I wonder if it's thats hes using one room as a bedroom other as a sitting room so bonus space for him! Agree with pp who advise ll prob thinks you know about this, so that would likely equate to you being responsible for any damage that occurs in your room by you or him.

RootyT00t · 01/02/2021 07:44

@Iflyaway

I really would prefer not to get LL involved at all as she’s lovely, we’re living in her house and this shouldn’t be made to be her problem.

I don't understand. Surely she knows who has moved into her house/your room? Why on earth would she not have got in contact with you about this - o.k. if it's family I get it can be more awkward.....

Sounds weird that someone else has just moved into your room. Though, in these weird pandemic times, anything is possible. i.e. a break-up in a relationship, needing a roof etc.

Hope it gets sorted.

Anyway, the bottom line for me is if I am paying rent to someone, it's my right to be able to lock up the space I am renting.

He already lived there.hs just moved rooms

Flapjak · 01/02/2021 07:51

Is it your brother? How close a family relationship. Its a bit wierd for someone to do that unless you have that sort of relationship and a huge invasion of privqcy. Just tell him to get out and that he is being òut of order

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 01/02/2021 08:08

It's your (older) sister isn't it?

LakieLady · 01/02/2021 08:15

@Frustratedflatmate

Thanks to everyone who has posted.

I find it really hard to be assertive with close family member. Any advice please?

Just email or text them telling them to get the fuck out of your room, that you are paying for, and stay out.

And tell them to pay for a deep clean too, to eradicate all trace of the cheeky fucker's presence.

sapnupuas · 01/02/2021 08:15

Why would your lovely, easygoing landlady kick you out for bringing an issue to her attention? 🤔

HerMammy · 01/02/2021 08:21

Why are you both ‘paying a lot’ to be lodgers? You’d have been better off just renting a flat together surely?
If you’re living elsewhere hand your notice to LL

DaylightSunlight · 01/02/2021 08:39

Is this person be paying your rent as well?

DaylightSunlight · 01/02/2021 08:40

Goodness! Is this person paying your rent as well?

Have no idea how "be" got in there.

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/02/2021 09:31

Why don’t you move back now

Lockdown lifting may be ages

It’s your home so go home

VinterKvinna · 01/02/2021 09:43

Either move back or move out

TatianaBis · 01/02/2021 09:50

@AnnaMagdalena

OP is evidently a nice person who doesn't care for confrontation. I hate it, and I would go out of my way to avoid it.

Nice has got nothing to do with it, you can be nice and firm at the same time.

Sometimes confrontation is necessary and it is a character weakness not to be able to deal with it.

Thepilotlightsgoneout · 01/02/2021 10:10

What’s stopping you moving back?

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