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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Close family member has ‘moved in’ to my rented room without asking - AIBU to be annoyed?

137 replies

Frustratedflatmate · 31/01/2021 19:14

A very close family member and I both live as lodgers in the same house (we each have separate bedrooms, and our live-in landlord has her own bedroom).

Between lockdowns last year, I moved back to live with my parents. However, I’m still paying rent for my room at the LL’s house, and intend to move back to the LL’s house as soon as I can after this lockdown.

A couple of days ago, close family member informed me he had now moved into my room and was living there as it was a ‘change of scenery’ (he’s unofficially moved in - it’s not a permanent arrangement or anything).

This has really annoyed me, as I see it as an invasion of my private space, so I think it’s really unfair that he’s done it without even asking me first.

Both the close family member and I pay a lot as lodgers and each of us have lovely rooms. We are also very lucky that the LL’s house is spacious, so the LL has lots of living space, as do we.

I asked close family member to move out of my room but obviously I’m not going to know if he has or not whilst I’m not there.

At a bit of a loss about what to do. AIBU and any ideas about how I should approach this please?

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 31/01/2021 21:10

@Frustratedflatmate

I really would prefer not to get LL involved at all as she’s lovely, we’re living in her house and this shouldn’t be made to be her problem.

of course it's her bloody problem.. she's still taking the Rent from you.. get her to sort it out .. Stop paying rent until she does sort it out FFS

RedLlama · 31/01/2021 21:14

@Besiegedbykillersquirrels

Ask your mum to tell him off.
Haha yes!
SchadenfreudePersonified · 31/01/2021 21:14

Lodgers have very little home security BlueThistles Landlady can evict them at very short notice and doesn't have to give a reason. This is why the OP doesn't want to rock the boat too much.

Having said that, good tenants that you are comfortable with aren't easy to get and the LL may consider it worth allowing a lock to keep OP. I imagine she has a certain duty of care for OP and her property. (Guessing here - I know sod-all about tenancy law)

AmandaHugenkiss · 31/01/2021 21:20

Put a lock on your door.

CheesyWeez · 31/01/2021 21:25

Find your own place OP and just move. You like this house but there will other ones to rent that are nice and DON'T HAVE THIS ANNOYING LODGER IN THEM. This would spoil my enjoyment of a nice place anyway.
Good point by a PP about the other lodger being possibly asymptomatic for COVID. Is it far away? You could go and remove your bedding as suggested by a PP so that he doesn't breathe his germs on it while you're away.
Is he doing it to be nasty, or because he's lazy, or just thinks that you will be genuinely pleased for him that he was able to enjoy your room while you were away? If the latter then explain that you don't want him using your personal space and treading on your toes. If the former, move out and let him get on with it.

Hollywolly1 · 31/01/2021 21:26

Or maybe the siblings doing this to keep you away from your home house,maybe they are trying to lure you back to the rented place

veeeeh · 31/01/2021 21:29

Oh go to bed. This is ridiculous.

Sinful8 · 31/01/2021 21:31

@gamerchick

You can get door knobs with a key lock in the middle. It doesn't have to be a padlock. Not sure why this isn't an option. There should be locks on the door anyway.
You won't find many lodger landlords willing to let you put a lock on. You can later argue you're a Tennant not a lodger
hockeysticks89 · 31/01/2021 21:31

Go over with an echo show (Alexa with a screen). Set it up so you can 'drop in' whenever you want via the Alexa app. Do so, regularly. Sorted!

TatianaBis · 31/01/2021 21:54

@Frustratedflatmate

Thanks to everyone who has posted.

I find it really hard to be assertive with close family member. Any advice please?

If I had a pound for every woman on here who says “I find it hard to be assertive” I’d be a rich woman.

If you find something hard you need to practice it repeatedly until you improve.

Start here.

AnnaMagdalena · 31/01/2021 21:55

Since when did being nice deserve vitriol?

OP is evidently a nice person who doesn't care for confrontation. I hate it, and I would go out of my way to avoid it.

It's also very easy to advise other people to "lose their shit" and "tell X to fuck off". In real life, people tend to look askance at that kind of behaviour.

OP, you are quite right that you have no way of knowing which bedroom your family member is using , whatever he says. If I were you, I would have a very gentle word with the LL and say that you and Family Member have a slightly difficult relationship and you don't want to upset the apple-cart - but could she please ask him to stick to his own room, as that's what he is renting from her?

I am a LL and have had a variety of lodgers, too. On the whole, if everyone is reasonable, everyone is reasonably happy. Things only really go tits up when people start asserting their rights and causing unnecessary drama. I think you could go some way to sorting this out without having to do anything you're uncomfortable with, OP.

BluebellsGreenbells · 31/01/2021 21:57

If you have above LL and they are reasonable, they also are invested in keeping nice tenants. They won’t want to find empty rooms in the current situation.

They need to speak to your relative and be assertive on your behalf, because you aren’t there!

It’s weird then being in there! My children don’t go in each other’s room unless invited as they deserve privacy. I am giving them those boundaries.

Chatterpie · 31/01/2021 21:58

@Haffiana

So, you haven't actually visited your room since he moved in? You are living with parents, right?

I absolutely BET that this is your cousin and you both pay a pittance to stay with his parents, your Aunt and Uncle.

Hence why you can't do anything about it.

What on earth are you talking about? Have you mistaken op for someone else?
AnyFucker · 31/01/2021 22:02

The above makes no more or less sense than what the op has said, tbh

NotStayingIn · 31/01/2021 22:03

I find it a little bit odd that you and a family member both live as lodgers in someone else's house. But I appreciate maybe this is totally normal!

I personally would never have done this. I would have moved into separate houses, because I really value my own space, and family members can get a bit too close for comfort. Oh wait, that's exactly what happened. :-)

It sounds like you fixed the problem, but maybe when the time is right live separately?

ZenNudist · 31/01/2021 22:11

A different view point: how is this a problem? You obviously want to keep the room. You aren't using it. Family member can benefit with no skin off your nose. Just ask them to strip and change the bed Hoover and tidy up before you get back. By way of thanks they can shop for and make you dinner.

I just think if you let it go with a laugh and a "You owe me" you will feel better about the situation. No point getting girded up about it.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/01/2021 22:22

Since when did being nice deserve vitriol?

OP is evidently a nice person who doesn't care for confrontation. I hate it, and I would go out of my way to avoid it.

You avoid confrontation to the point where you allow your privacy to be completely invaded, and to also be completely taken advantage of? Are you actually an adult with any sense of boundaries whatsoever?

It's one thing to be nice, it's another thing entirely to be a doormat.

Haffdonga · 31/01/2021 22:25

I just want to know why you can't just say brother .
Is close male family member really that much less identifying?

changingmine · 31/01/2021 22:41

OP I would find this hard too. You are allowed to come on here to vent despite the armies of bad-tempered posters insisting you take their advice or shut up. People who have grown up with the luxury of having their needs fulfilled have no idea how difficult it is to break out of being bullied, silenced and manipulated.

Did he tell you in a phone call or a text? I would find it easier to respond by text.

changingmine · 31/01/2021 22:44

@Aquamarine1029

Since when did being nice deserve vitriol?

OP is evidently a nice person who doesn't care for confrontation. I hate it, and I would go out of my way to avoid it.

You avoid confrontation to the point where you allow your privacy to be completely invaded, and to also be completely taken advantage of? Are you actually an adult with any sense of boundaries whatsoever?

It's one thing to be nice, it's another thing entirely to be a doormat.

No need to be outright nasty. Maybe just accept you don't understand - and be glad you feel able to be assertive. It can be extremely difficult if you have been raised with your needs ignored.
Bulldoglady · 31/01/2021 22:48

@Maryann1975

How long have you not been living there? Surely you would save more money if you had given notice, moved out of your rented accommodation and lived with family? How much more do you need to save to be able to buy?
She is saving for rental deposit Hmm
Bulldoglady · 31/01/2021 22:48

@NotStayingIn

I find it a little bit odd that you and a family member both live as lodgers in someone else's house. But I appreciate maybe this is totally normal!

I personally would never have done this. I would have moved into separate houses, because I really value my own space, and family members can get a bit too close for comfort. Oh wait, that's exactly what happened. :-)

It sounds like you fixed the problem, but maybe when the time is right live separately?

Might be to avoid LL applying for an hmo
BluebellsGreenbells · 31/01/2021 22:52

You aren't using it. Family member can benefit with no skin off your nose

Talk about doormat! Happy for someone to snoop through your belongings because they are a slob and can’t be bothered to clean their own sheets or own room?

Imagine coming home to fine some stinky bloke in your bed uninvited!!

Smacks male privilege

AnnaMagdalena · 31/01/2021 22:53

@Aquamarine1029

Since when did being nice deserve vitriol?

OP is evidently a nice person who doesn't care for confrontation. I hate it, and I would go out of my way to avoid it.

You avoid confrontation to the point where you allow your privacy to be completely invaded, and to also be completely taken advantage of? Are you actually an adult with any sense of boundaries whatsoever?

It's one thing to be nice, it's another thing entirely to be a doormat.

I don't think that avoiding confrontation is necessarily the same as being a doormat, Aquamarine.

I just think that, on the whole, it is normally possible to resolve things in a way that suits everyone pretty well just by being reasonable.

It's possible to have boundaries without going in all guns blazing (in this case demanding locks; threatening to stop paying the rent; sitting on the bed and refusing to move; telling the family member to get the fuck out of the room).

Sometimes you need help with maintaining boundaries, especially if you are dealing with a bully - which is why I suggested the OP have a gentle word with her LL (who also sounds like a nice person, and who would probably be glad to stage a small intervention which nipped the problem in the bud without the need for shouting and drama).

BlackCatShadow · 01/02/2021 00:31

I sort of agree with the others.

  1. It's not a small thing for someone to move into your room. I assume you have belongings there. Anyone would be upset at this.

  2. You have stated that you are paying a lot in rent. It is absolutely your LL's responsibility to manage this situation and why on Earth do you think you'll get evicted for complaining about this?

I hope your relative sticks to their word, but I would suggest locks on the door to your LL. Remember you are paying rent. They are not doing you a massive favour here.

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