Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not accept these demands?

359 replies

UnicornAndSparkles · 31/01/2021 15:19

AIBU?

MiL and FiL have offered to form a childcare bubble with us, so long as they have had both covid jabs, in order to look after DD aged 3 when I go into hospital to have her sibling in a few months time. A very kind offer.

But today we've woken up to a string of requests of how they intend to do this. 1) they cannot stay in our spare room as the (standard sized) double bed is too small for both of them and will need to use our own bedroom along with the spare so they each have a bed. MiL is approx a size 10 and FiL is underweight so they're not big people needing a lot of sleeping space, i would think. We have a house with only 1 spare (guest) room. Why can't they share? I'd really rather not have one of them sleep in my bed, not least at it'll mean DH (6ft 2, large build) sleeping on the sofa if he returns from hospital late evening/during the night. Plus it would be an upheaval to have to wash and dry 2 sets of bedding (spare and our room) when I've just come out of hospital after having a baby. 2) alternatively they will have DD at their house but will not be able to take her to preschool on the 3 days a week she normally attends as its "too far to drive" (30 min drive from their house, 2 min from ours). We are reluctant to change her routine as she is about to have a huge upheaval with an new baby, and she loves and feels secure at preschool. Plus its open 7.30am to 6.30pm so would give MiL and FiL a days break from parenting her, if I were to be in hospital on a preschool day. Plus we have a cat that we would ask them to feed, enroute to preschool 2x a day, but they wouldn't be able to if they were at their house and unwilling to make the journey to and from preschool 3) they would like us to ensure there are meals prepared for them in the fridge to simply heat up. Obviously we will do our best to ensure everything they need is there but I can't help thinking meals in the fridge is a bit excessive?! I've no idea when I will go into labour so am unable to prepare things "just incase". Can't they cook or get a takeaway? Obviously I will leave meals prepared for DD as we have a supply of those always in the freezer, but to do the same for my inlaws is surely a bit much, considering we will need as much freezer space for our own batch cooked meals so that I dont have to cook every night when I've just given birth?!

Is this unreasonable?! Or am I being unreasonable?!

Our alternative is my parents, who are desperate to help out, but won't have had a second covid jab by due date and I'm reluctant to put them at unnecessary risk. MiL and FiL have their second jab booked 3 weeks before due date, so the risk to them from DD and us will be minimal. Our next alternative is me having the baby in hospital alone and DH staying at home to look after DD. Which sounds less hassle than having my PiL atm!

OP posts:
Indecisive12 · 31/01/2021 18:18

@Seth41

are posted missing that the in laws are....

80 YEARS OLD AND THE MOTHER HAS ARTHRITIS

Nah, you are missing the point that they’re IN LAWS and therefore their every move will be unreasonable despite being 80 with arthritis and it not being that difficult for OP’s DH to wash one set of sheets or for their DC to miss one day of pre-school.
Happygogoat · 31/01/2021 18:19

F*ck them, frankly. Absolutely ridiculous to require to sleep in your bed when you a) have a guest room and b) will rightly want to crawl in to it when you get back without changing sheets and nonsense. That would be it for me let alone the meals and other stuff! Bring their own bloody freezer meals?! Like you say - if you have freezer batch cooking on the go they should be leaving it there deliberately in order to save you time down the line when hello you have a newborn.

Totally disrespectful of them to not respect your wishes and want to maintain DDs routine with the upheaval coming her way for the sake of a drive that length.

This isn't helpful at all and YANBU. Thanks but no thanks. I'm sure your parents would be fine by then, honest. X

Original poster
UnicornAndSparkles · 31/01/2021 18:21

@Seth41 the in laws in their 80s that i discuss on a different post are my husbands mum and step-dad, I'm not talking about them here. I would never ask a person in their 80s to help. The inlaws i am talking in this thread (husbands bio dad and step mum) about are both in their 60s with no health issues, both drive and will have had the jabs due to their work, albeit they are due to retire next month, who have recently moved closer to us so are in a position to offer assistance when they wouldn't have before. My parents, who in reluctant to accept help from, are high risk in their 70s and will have only had one of the two jabs.

Thank you all for the comments, really helpful. I think we'll just have to see how things pan out nearer the time. I find all these demands so stressful! More so than just having the baby alone, staying in as long as needs be and then going home to husband and DD.

OP posts:
islockdownoveryet · 31/01/2021 18:23

I’d ask your parents , yeah I get the risk but if you are both limiting social meeting around your due date which I get is still a risk the risk will be lower .
I think there demands are excessive and they have over thought things . It may only be 1 night but I get you don’t know that .

Passmethefrazzles · 31/01/2021 18:23

Right, listen up. I don’t often feel moved to comment but...
I’m not coming at this from a mum point of view but from a granny point of view. Yes, I remember my lovely Mum’s help when no2 came along. She had no demands at all and that’s how it should be. When our DGC no2 arrived, DH and I were exactly the sam as Mum: “what do you need us to do?”. That is the right and the only way to offer help, if the help is a genuine offer, coming from a good place. If I was in your situation now, I would be saying thanks but no thanks. This is NOT a kind offer, it’s a list of demands. Bloody hell I know people who would just love to be grandparents and not just to be able to say to friends “oh yes of course we’re stepping up to help”.
I actually feel quite angry with your PIL. Think I’ll go and have a stiff G&T.

MiddleClassProblem · 31/01/2021 18:24

Your MIL was around 20 years older than FIL? Baller

minipie · 31/01/2021 18:24

It sounds like they’re not keen on leaving their home

I would send DD to them and let her miss pre school. It’s a holiday at Granny and Grandpa’s, she won’t expect to go to pre school.

DH or auto feeder feeds the cat.

I think their demands are ridiculous BUT I also think you’re being ridiculous not to want to send DD to them, which will mean they are much more comfortable while looking after her.

WinterRobin · 31/01/2021 18:24

Your in-laws are in their eighties and so is your own mother according to your other thread. Seriously, you should be making it as easy as possible for them to help you. Your child’s pre school being 30 mins away means you expect them to drive for two hours to get her there if she stays with them! You are very fortunate that they are offering to help when they are in their eighties. In fact, if I was you I’d look into other options for childcare.

Gwegowygwiggs · 31/01/2021 18:31

Omg the cheek of it 🤣🤣🤣 your in laws sound like an absolute bloody nightmare. “Have meals prepared for us that we can heat up” - can’t they just cook like they would if they were at their own bloody house?

I understand your parents won’t have had the second jab, but truthfully I’d still take that option over the in-laws. For context, I am actually also due 3 weeks before my mum has her second jab, and she is having 21month old DS when I have this baby. We haven’t really even discussed the logistics, she’s just said that whenever I go into labour, she will come and get him and take him for as long as she needs to. She has everything set up there anyway as she has him 1 day a week and overnight, so doesn’t require much prep. But if she has him on a nursery day, she will take him and pick him up. Because that’s what parents do. They are totally unreasonable and their total lack of flexibility alone would make me want to stick my finger up and say just forget it, my parents can gladly do it instead.

Thanks but no thanks

Original poster
UnicornAndSparkles · 31/01/2021 18:36

@MiddleClassProblem haha that made me laugh. Not quite 20 years between them, but close enough. She has aged exceptionally well and looks about 60.

OP posts:
toocold54 · 31/01/2021 18:40

This is obviously madness. If it was me I’d have DH with me for the actual birth and then go home and be with DD.
I would ask if he can go back and forth, because then DD can stay at theirs but he can take her to pre-school and can pick up any bits you might need to.

MaelyssQ · 31/01/2021 18:47

Oh I hadn't realised these in-laws are in their 80's Shock
That makes a massive difference. I wouldn't expect them to offer any childcare whatsoever.

My grandparents were in their 80's when mine were babies and there is no way I would have expected any practical help from them. Granny knitted adorable hats, cardigans and booties for each baby and I have kept them all Smile

Eddielzzard · 31/01/2021 18:55

The inlaws are in their 60s... I would politely decline their offer, which isn't a very generous offer at all. I think I would ask your parents if they're happy to help, even though it's not ideal.

FlatCheese · 31/01/2021 19:00

If they're putting conditions on this already then is it likely they'll either add more closer to the time or just decided that they can't do it at all? Especially if you can't pin down the timing exactly. Are they likely to call your DH and say they've had enough and he has to come home and look after DD?

I'd go with your parents if you think they'll be more reliable and less stressful. Yes, it might be that you're in and out in a couple of hours and perfectly fine, but you'd be irresponsible not to make plans for your DD that might involve overnights and unpredictability, so you're doing the right thing to put something in place.

Porridgeoat · 31/01/2021 19:03

Cant you just drop your child with one of the grandparents or a friend on route to the hospital

Mumsnext1979 · 31/01/2021 19:05

Could you approach the nursery and see if any of the staff there fancy being your childcare bubble? They could stay in your spare room? Obviously they will require paying but at least they’ll be known and will take your child to nursery etc?

BBCONEANDTWO · 31/01/2021 19:08

Probably your own mum and dad will at least have had their first jab by the time you go into labour.

Regarding your in laws no way you should put up with their demands. Taking your bed, expecting meals ready for them. you'll manage fine without them. Just tell them you want to do this on your own and they can see their new grandchild when things settle down and you're more organised.

What a right cheeky bugger.

birdglasspen · 31/01/2021 19:27

Can your DH point out to them that it would be nice of they made your life easier during this time, not harder? Surely you want your bed ready for when you need it coming from hospital. Is there a spare single mattress anywhere one can have! We bought one from Ikea as I kicked DH out of bed during final weeks of pregnancy, still use it now in DC room if they are having a bad night! I assume they cook I their own house why not at yours! Tell then to prepare some frozen meals, bring them in a cool box and they will last a few days if need be! Good luck!

GreySkyClouds · 31/01/2021 19:27

@MiddleClassProblem

Your MIL was around 20 years older than FIL? Baller
LOL
Sometimesonly · 31/01/2021 19:29

If you have a planned c-section then the easiest option might be finding someone else to look after dd (or she may be at nursery) and then have DH come back home.

hellotesting123123 · 31/01/2021 19:32

They're insane! No no no.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 31/01/2021 19:41

@SmurfetteBlue

I would consider a home birth. They are barmy and having them in your bubble will stress you out. If it's already stressing you out before baby has arrived, then just imagine how much worse it will be when you are due to give birth.
Home births are not recommended for somebody who had a section last time.

Still think it would be easiest to drop the DC off on the way to the hospital, then Dad picks her up afterwards, giving a maximum of a day/night with them - but only if the other set of GPs aren't physically able to babysit.

Lilymossflower · 31/01/2021 19:45

Absolutely bloody ridiculous of them.

If your parents want to , then let them

Sillysandy · 31/01/2021 19:48

Sorry but I think YABU. They are probably worried about looking after your daughter if they haven't had a good night's sleep. My mum would be the same, she offers to help but gets very anxious and worn out easily so the rare occasion she has, I would always have food and everything ready for her so she just has to mind my dd.

In your situation I would let my dd go to theirs and ask your own mother to come in and feed the cat.

Jijithecat · 31/01/2021 19:49

Could you hire a doula so that DH can stay with your child?

Swipe left for the next trending thread