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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not accept these demands?

359 replies

UnicornAndSparkles · 31/01/2021 15:19

AIBU?

MiL and FiL have offered to form a childcare bubble with us, so long as they have had both covid jabs, in order to look after DD aged 3 when I go into hospital to have her sibling in a few months time. A very kind offer.

But today we've woken up to a string of requests of how they intend to do this. 1) they cannot stay in our spare room as the (standard sized) double bed is too small for both of them and will need to use our own bedroom along with the spare so they each have a bed. MiL is approx a size 10 and FiL is underweight so they're not big people needing a lot of sleeping space, i would think. We have a house with only 1 spare (guest) room. Why can't they share? I'd really rather not have one of them sleep in my bed, not least at it'll mean DH (6ft 2, large build) sleeping on the sofa if he returns from hospital late evening/during the night. Plus it would be an upheaval to have to wash and dry 2 sets of bedding (spare and our room) when I've just come out of hospital after having a baby. 2) alternatively they will have DD at their house but will not be able to take her to preschool on the 3 days a week she normally attends as its "too far to drive" (30 min drive from their house, 2 min from ours). We are reluctant to change her routine as she is about to have a huge upheaval with an new baby, and she loves and feels secure at preschool. Plus its open 7.30am to 6.30pm so would give MiL and FiL a days break from parenting her, if I were to be in hospital on a preschool day. Plus we have a cat that we would ask them to feed, enroute to preschool 2x a day, but they wouldn't be able to if they were at their house and unwilling to make the journey to and from preschool 3) they would like us to ensure there are meals prepared for them in the fridge to simply heat up. Obviously we will do our best to ensure everything they need is there but I can't help thinking meals in the fridge is a bit excessive?! I've no idea when I will go into labour so am unable to prepare things "just incase". Can't they cook or get a takeaway? Obviously I will leave meals prepared for DD as we have a supply of those always in the freezer, but to do the same for my inlaws is surely a bit much, considering we will need as much freezer space for our own batch cooked meals so that I dont have to cook every night when I've just given birth?!

Is this unreasonable?! Or am I being unreasonable?!

Our alternative is my parents, who are desperate to help out, but won't have had a second covid jab by due date and I'm reluctant to put them at unnecessary risk. MiL and FiL have their second jab booked 3 weeks before due date, so the risk to them from DD and us will be minimal. Our next alternative is me having the baby in hospital alone and DH staying at home to look after DD. Which sounds less hassle than having my PiL atm!

OP posts:
RootyT00t · 31/01/2021 17:35

They are being utterly ridiculous, but...

"lus it would be an upheaval to have to wash and dry 2 sets of bedding (spare and our room) when I've just come out of hospital after having a baby."

surely you'd have to do this anyway?

How utterly bizarre they expect DH to sleep on the sofa though.

lazylump72 · 31/01/2021 17:36

They sound utterly batshit to me and I genuinely think they are chucking up all these demands cos they dont really want to help.Though why they cannot be straight about it and say sorry but its just too much for us I have no clue.

Seth41 · 31/01/2021 17:37

are posted missing that the in laws are....

80 YEARS OLD AND THE MOTHER HAS ARTHRITIS

Doilooklikeatourist · 31/01/2021 17:40

Oh FGS !
The in laws are mad
Would a neighbour pop in to babysit DD , or one of the mums ( or staff ) at nursery help out ?
Years ago when I had my second , and both sets of parents lived miles away ( we’d moved for DH job ) one of the helpers at playgroup offered to babysit DS1 , luckily my parents came to stay for a week ... and DS2 was 5 days late !
I know Covid makes things more problematic, but people will help
( and hopefully the second baby will pop out and you’ll be home within hours )

BooBahBoo · 31/01/2021 17:41

They’re taking the piss out of you.

  • they could prepare their own meals and bring them over in a cool box.
  • they could share a bed and “suffer” for two days
  • they could park at yours and walk the 2 minutes with your child if they don’t feel comfortable driving if she was staying at theirs

I’d personally get your parents to help while you’re giving birth. Then, when your husband is inevitably kicked out of the hospital because of Covid rules, he can look after DD until you’re ready to go home. Then DD can go to your mum while he picks you up and helps you to the car. And pick her up again on the way home. That’s what we did when I gave birth over the first lockdown.

Don’t take this ridiculous offer. I guarantee your house won’t be tidy enough for them and she’ll probably go through your drawers and end up rearranging everything. They seem that way inclined and very up their own backsides. Fuck that.

Christmasfairy2020 · 31/01/2021 17:41

Why would your husband stay seriously. Have the baby and send him home your an adult and can manage a baby and surgery as there are staff? Let him.stay for the Cs and then go and care for child and pick you up in few days

Christmasfairy2020 · 31/01/2021 17:42

Does everyone on mumsnet have there partner stay over night at the hospital with them?

lalafafa · 31/01/2021 17:43

what a faff, just let her stay at theirs and done.

pinkyredrose · 31/01/2021 17:43

plus it would be an upheaval to have to wash and dry 2 sets of bedding (spare and our room) when I've just come out of hospital after having a baby

I'm sure your husband can cope.

They're doing you a massive favour ffs make them comfortable. If it's too much hassle for you then I'll bet it's way more hassle for them.. Why can't your DH stay home with DD, then you won't have to disrupt her routine.

QueenOfLabradors · 31/01/2021 17:44

I'm the eldest child in the family. I can just about remember going to stay with Granny Dadsmum and having a lovely time, and when I came back my mum's big bump had become my new little sister. It was amazing. Your dd will be absolutely fine with her granny and grandpa at their home and your own mum and dad or a neighbour will be wonderful about looking after the cat.

KindnessCrusader · 31/01/2021 17:44

I think they don't really want to do it but they think they should offer. It will probably be a relief for them as much as it will be for you to politely decline.

ancientgran · 31/01/2021 17:44

We are all different, for me the welfare of the older child was the thing I needed to feel comfortable about. I have 4, the first 2 were 3 years apart then a 15 year gap for child 3 and then 2 years later for child 4.

For my second I had a home birth as I didn't want to be away from DS1. For my 4th I was getting on a bit so had a hospital birth, DH dropped me off and a friend had DS3, he then spent the day with him and came back just in time for the birth but was only away from DS3 for about 2 hrs.

I might be very different to you though, I didn't particularly want anyone with me, husband or anyone other than the midwife and obviously not everyone feels like that.

I wouldn't want to put up with their demands though and I can imagine the looks on either of my DsIL faces if I said anything like that, not a pretty sight!

Hope you work it out and all goes well.

ancientgran · 31/01/2021 17:46

@pinkyredrose

plus it would be an upheaval to have to wash and dry 2 sets of bedding (spare and our room) when I've just come out of hospital after having a baby

I'm sure your husband can cope.

They're doing you a massive favour ffs make them comfortable. If it's too much hassle for you then I'll bet it's way more hassle for them.. Why can't your DH stay home with DD, then you won't have to disrupt her routine.

I'm sure he can cope but it might be awkward. For all we know they might live in a flat with no washing machine or tumble dryer and two sets of bed linen draped round the flat is a pain.
Yohoheaveho · 31/01/2021 17:48

controlling much!!
that's not an offer to help its a takeover bid!

dontdisturbmenow · 31/01/2021 17:51

They're in their 80s? With health issues? And all that drama because your DH would need to wash one set of bedding and sleep on the sofa for one night? Really?

What is wrong with your DH that he isn't capable of this for his very elderly parents who are prepared to travel and look after your child so he can be with you for the whole time?

RootyT00t · 31/01/2021 17:52

@dontdisturbmenow

They're in their 80s? With health issues? And all that drama because your DH would need to wash one set of bedding and sleep on the sofa for one night? Really?

What is wrong with your DH that he isn't capable of this for his very elderly parents who are prepared to travel and look after your child so he can be with you for the whole time?

thanks for this . interesting there is no mention of this in the OP.

drip drip drip.

Ickiness · 31/01/2021 17:57

You might be in and out of hospital in the same day - why do you need them to be staying at your house??

saraclara · 31/01/2021 17:59

@Ickiness

You might be in and out of hospital in the same day - why do you need them to be staying at your house??
And she might not. It would be madness not to plan for a worst case (or even just 'not best case') scenario when a small child is involved.
Justgivemewine · 31/01/2021 18:01

@Seth41

On another thread you post

* MiL isn't in a position to help her; she lives too far away, doesn't drive and is 80yo. FiL also 80 but does drive. He's fitter and healthier than MiL, who suffers with arthritis, but neither are young*

So your in laws are not exactly spring chickens! and not in best of health.

I’d do what I can personally to prep for them

scrap what I said before,

Massive piece of relevant info missing from the op!

Either prepare for them or do them a favour and turn them down!

Lougle · 31/01/2021 18:05

You know they say that if a builder doesn't want the job, they quote a silly price? Consider this that sort of quote. If they wanted to do it, there's no way they would be making it so difficult.

LizFlowers · 31/01/2021 18:06

@UnicornAndSparkles

Also, they won't eat ready meals or fast food, hence the no take aways. Hugely health conscious.
Can't they prepare their own food as they do at home? Bring some with them if necessary, no doubt they have a freezer.

I'd put a fold up bed next to the bed in the spare room so each can have their own sleeping space.

Coffeepot72 · 31/01/2021 18:06

You know they say that if a builder doesn't want the job, they quote a silly price?

Very good point! I don’t think they want to help.

Merryoldgoat · 31/01/2021 18:11

@Christmasfairy2020

Why would your husband stay seriously. Have the baby and send him home your an adult and can manage a baby and surgery as there are staff? Let him.stay for the Cs and then go and care for child and pick you up in few days
Have you had a baby by CS recently?
Minniem2020 · 31/01/2021 18:12

This is definitely not helpful! When I went into labour my fil spent the morning running around the town trying to find out how to get me to hospital (beast from the east, roads closed and 40 mins away), took my dd(not his gd) to her uncles to be looked after, then came back&sat with us until the ambulance arrived in case he needed to help dp deliver ds. Fed the cat while we away then brought us home from the hospital. Mil brought us meals each day for the next week too.
I'd tell them they can shove their so called help

HTH1 · 31/01/2021 18:13

I would go with your own parents, who are desperate to help and not going to make any crazy demands. They could well have their second jab in time or the situation may be a lot better by then anyway.

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