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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not accept these demands?

359 replies

UnicornAndSparkles · 31/01/2021 15:19

AIBU?

MiL and FiL have offered to form a childcare bubble with us, so long as they have had both covid jabs, in order to look after DD aged 3 when I go into hospital to have her sibling in a few months time. A very kind offer.

But today we've woken up to a string of requests of how they intend to do this. 1) they cannot stay in our spare room as the (standard sized) double bed is too small for both of them and will need to use our own bedroom along with the spare so they each have a bed. MiL is approx a size 10 and FiL is underweight so they're not big people needing a lot of sleeping space, i would think. We have a house with only 1 spare (guest) room. Why can't they share? I'd really rather not have one of them sleep in my bed, not least at it'll mean DH (6ft 2, large build) sleeping on the sofa if he returns from hospital late evening/during the night. Plus it would be an upheaval to have to wash and dry 2 sets of bedding (spare and our room) when I've just come out of hospital after having a baby. 2) alternatively they will have DD at their house but will not be able to take her to preschool on the 3 days a week she normally attends as its "too far to drive" (30 min drive from their house, 2 min from ours). We are reluctant to change her routine as she is about to have a huge upheaval with an new baby, and she loves and feels secure at preschool. Plus its open 7.30am to 6.30pm so would give MiL and FiL a days break from parenting her, if I were to be in hospital on a preschool day. Plus we have a cat that we would ask them to feed, enroute to preschool 2x a day, but they wouldn't be able to if they were at their house and unwilling to make the journey to and from preschool 3) they would like us to ensure there are meals prepared for them in the fridge to simply heat up. Obviously we will do our best to ensure everything they need is there but I can't help thinking meals in the fridge is a bit excessive?! I've no idea when I will go into labour so am unable to prepare things "just incase". Can't they cook or get a takeaway? Obviously I will leave meals prepared for DD as we have a supply of those always in the freezer, but to do the same for my inlaws is surely a bit much, considering we will need as much freezer space for our own batch cooked meals so that I dont have to cook every night when I've just given birth?!

Is this unreasonable?! Or am I being unreasonable?!

Our alternative is my parents, who are desperate to help out, but won't have had a second covid jab by due date and I'm reluctant to put them at unnecessary risk. MiL and FiL have their second jab booked 3 weeks before due date, so the risk to them from DD and us will be minimal. Our next alternative is me having the baby in hospital alone and DH staying at home to look after DD. Which sounds less hassle than having my PiL atm!

OP posts:
CharityDingle · 31/01/2021 17:08

No, that is far too much hassle and they are not worth it. Not sure your partner will be spending much time in the hospital given the current climate so I would figure something out on that basis, and not with the in laws involved.

HalfSiblingsMadeContact · 31/01/2021 17:08

Threads like these give me flashbacks to when my second was born. All parents overseas, in same city. MiL was asked to liaise with DM so they could visit consecutively (MiL second). DH suggested he would book accommodation locally that they could use - more than once, and was encouraged to go ahead each time he mentioned it.

Outcome? MIL arrived before DS; her sister - who she could also have stayed with for a bit - collected her from the airport but brought her straight over to us because she was staying. DH thought it was fine because we had an air mattress in the spare bedroom (which was also our study), and a sofa bed in the lounge, so "plenty of room" for both MiL and DM to stay at the same time. While I was in with DS, DM tried to prep extra veg into the freezer for me to have for later. MiL happily used it all, as if she was the only one with arthritic hands...

DH STILL doesn't understand how badly he messed up.

1starwars2 · 31/01/2021 17:10

Let them take DD to theirs. Forget preschool and you can focus on having a baby.
Get someone else to feed the cat, if necessary, but your DH may not be out of the house so long that it's an issue.

CoffeeNeeded2019 · 31/01/2021 17:10

I would consider asking nursery / preschool if DD could attend adhoc days if she’s not due to be in when you are in hospital. Lots of places are able to accommodate that (if you can stretch to paying for a few extra days)

If she’s been there long enough for you to know the staff there I’d also consider asking one of them if they’d be able to babysit either in the evening or on their day off maybe? They’ll all be qualified and likely first aid trained too (and probably less hassle than the in laws)

If that doesn’t work out I’d buy am really good air bed for your husband and grit my teeth (but definitely ask them to strip their beds, or better still, bring their own bedding)

Maybe compromise on the meals, batch cook something they’ll eat and freeze it so there’s one meal there, then apologise that you went into labour / hospital before you managed to do more but to feel free to help themselves to the fridge!

Good luck, hopefully it won’t be too long and you’ll be home and able to focus on being a family of 4

MaelyssQ · 31/01/2021 17:11

With luck you'll be in and out of hospital the same day, so no need for all this drama. Say thanks but you'll manage without them. You don't need to be organising ready made meals and as for them demanding the use of your bedroom as well as the guest room - no way.

category12 · 31/01/2021 17:12

I wouldn't be comfortable with sending dd away in case it made her feel pushed out by the new baby's arrival.

NoSquirrels · 31/01/2021 17:12

I’d say “OK, thank you - sounds as if it will be best if you have DD at your house then as I don’t think it’s going to be possible to do all the extra cooking/cleaning/bedroom changing.”

If you go into labour earlier than booked C-section they’ll need to come and collect DD, I don’t see that’s an issue.

Whilst keeping her in nursery might be nice it won’t be a big deal for her to miss it for a few days.

Then I’d ask my parents to be on standby to feed the cat.

Crucially I wouldn’t worry too much right now. Plenty can change- vaccine schedule, tiers & restrictions etc.

I would absolutely NOT entertain any extra food provision or whatever- you don’t need to provide DD’s meals either! They’re grandparents, they can feed a 3-year-old!

Thislittlefinger123 · 31/01/2021 17:13

They sound like selfish idiots! They're not helping if that help comes with a list of demands which create work for you. I'd be quite blunt and tell them that. If you've got a couple of months to go I'd just have your parents. Cases will be down by then hopefully.

Seth41 · 31/01/2021 17:14

On another thread you post

* MiL isn't in a position to help her; she lives too far away, doesn't drive and is 80yo. FiL also 80 but does drive. He's fitter and healthier than MiL, who suffers with arthritis, but neither are young*

So your in laws are not exactly spring chickens! and not in best of health.

I’d do what I can personally to prep for them

Thislittlefinger123 · 31/01/2021 17:14

And by "you" I mean you and DH. It's no good saying well DH can run around after them, he's meant to be running around after you!

Seth41 · 31/01/2021 17:15

Moving from your home to care for a toddler

When you’re 80 years old and not in great health

That’s a big deal

PolarnOPirate · 31/01/2021 17:15

Have you replied yet? Just say

"OK, no worries! We'll make other arrangements. Love Unicorn'

Indecisive12 · 31/01/2021 17:16

It sounds to me like they don’t want to stay at yours which is why they have completely unreasonable demands for if they do.

But I don’t blame them for wanting to stay at their own home with your DC and missing 1 day of pre school for the excitement of staying at grandparents because a new baby is born isn’t going to be the end of the world. I remember feeling an awful guilt at the prospect but DC loved it. So I’d go for that option and just set a feeding timer for the cats. Probability is your DH isn’t going to be at the hospital for more than 12 hours since 2nd labours rend to be quicker, if midwifery led with no complications you’ll be out not long after having baby and if you do need to go to the postnatal ward they have visiting times only.

StatisticallyChallenged · 31/01/2021 17:17

@BeaSmithers

Exactly how long are you expecting to be in hospital for? Pretty certain they send you home the same day (or the next day). What makes you so special?
It's sensible to plan to be in for a few days especially if anticipating a c section. Timings meant I needed 2 nights childcare for my planned, textbook c section with my second. The OP is hardly considering herself "special"
ChikiTIKI · 31/01/2021 17:17

You can have a planned c section before 39 weeks if you have steroid injections to develop the baby's lungs first. This might be the best option for planning and avoiding an emergency c section.

With planned c sections hospitals usually send you home 24h later unless there are complications.

I had a traumatic first birth and had elective c section for second one at start of pandemic last year. That's a shame your husband isn't allowed to leave then return. How will you get out of the hospital? As in, who will carry the baby and bags?

Oooohbehave · 31/01/2021 17:18

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

if they don't share a bed (or room) at home, perfectly reasonable that they don't want to when staying at yours to do you a favour.
A favour that’s a massive hinderance is no longer a favour IMO
Purplecatshopaholic · 31/01/2021 17:19

They are not exactly ‘helping’ are they. No way would I be organising separate bedrooms for one thing. As others have said, let them take dd to theirs and get someone else to feed the cat. A few days off preschool won’t hurt, and you can relax and concentrate on you.

Nogoodusername · 31/01/2021 17:21

Your parents in law are insane. I can’t believe what I just read! Even aside from the bedrooms nonsense, they cook for themselves at home, why do they need you to leave meals for them to warm up at yours?! Nooooo. Do they need to come together - can’t one of them come and therefore only one bedroom needed. With those demands, I would take up the option of them having DD at theirs, she’s unlikely to Miss too much pre school as she doesn’t go daily. It would be a definite no to their ‘offer’ though, whatever you do as back up

saraclara · 31/01/2021 17:23

No no no.

You need your bed to be fresh (or at least only slept in by your partner) when you come home. And..well everything they're asking is ridiculous. Everything.

By then the rates will be well down, and your DPs will have had their first jab. The risk to them will be minimal. Let them do it.

lyralalala · 31/01/2021 17:25

@BeaSmithers

Exactly how long are you expecting to be in hospital for? Pretty certain they send you home the same day (or the next day). What makes you so special?
Do you get a kick out of being so rude to people?

Read the OP’s posts and you’ll see exactly why she’s expecting to be in hospital for more than a few hours

RandomDent · 31/01/2021 17:25

They’ll be no help anyway. Book a date for your section. Fingers crossed you won’t go into labour earlier. Can husband do nursery run that day and see you in between? This is what happened with our second child.

MzHz · 31/01/2021 17:31

“Thanks but no thanks Inlaws, It’s too much inconvenience”

No further explanation, no counter, no negation.

Put your parents on standby. Dd will have a great time if she’s stayed with them and loves it. You can make it like an adventure then DH can decide what he wants to do to be with you etc.

I’d never ask the in-laws for anything from that point on

girlofnow · 31/01/2021 17:34

Just what you need, a load of extra stress to deal with. Some people...

Hotzenplotz · 31/01/2021 17:34

Tell 'em to get in the bin, the cheeky sods.

YoniAndGuy · 31/01/2021 17:35

No

No

No

No.

Just send back a very short message saying it is not going to work for you both so plase don't worry.